Still an Individual

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about individuality. I’ve always been someone who resists being defined by others. I like to be my own person, and I try really hard not to let others’ choices and perceptions of me dictate who I am or how I live. But things shift when you get married and subsequently have a baby. In both instances, it’s easy to allow yourself to be absorbed by your spouse and/or child. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of the example of someone I love and admire. He is such a kind and thoughtful man, but he has consistently allowed himself to be absorbed by his wife. Instead of cultivating his own individuality, he has been consumed by her needs and desires. His devotion to his wife was beautiful, but when she died, I have never seen anyone more lost. It seemed like he had no concept of himself without her. Marriage involves “becoming one” with your partner which is something that personally brings me great joy. I know it is important to be unified, and I would feel like I had lost half of myself if I lost Ty, but I would still have myself, and I see tremendous value in that.

Sometimes, I find bits of myself slipping away as I get older. It’s great when I find myself letting go of selfishness and insecurity, but sometimes I find myself reminding myself that in conjunction with being a wife and mother and sister and daughter, I am still an individual. I love to read and take baths in silence. I enjoy writing to process my thoughts and feelings more deeply. I am passionate and can be loud. These are some of the things that make me who I am, and I don’t have to watch them disappear because it’s hard to make time to be a separate individual and they aren’t interests and characteristics that Ty and I share. While our similarities are what have allowed us to build a strong foundation together, our differences enrich our relationship. Over the course of the last three years, I feel like Ty and I have done a good job of maintaining our individuality while be married, but then Will was born, and as it’s supposed to, everything shifted.

The reality of parenthood is that there is far less time for yourself which is great as it helps you be more aware of the needs of others, but it’s also easy to ignore yourself and your needs. Nothing brings me more joy than being a mother, but there is also nothing that makes it easier to neglect myself. A friend of mine recently posted a picture that read something like, “Self care is not selfish.” I feel so strongly about this. Of course it’s important to prioritize your children’s needs, but it ultimately hurts your whole family if you don’t also address your own needs. I genuinely need alone time in order to maintain my mental health, and it is hard to come by as a parent. Luckily, Ty is amazing, and he is aware of my individual needs and does everything in his power to help me be the best person, spouse, and mother that I can be, but it’s something that takes almost daily effort and mindfulness.

Sometimes as a stay at home mom, I feel like I occupy a separate dimension. This is especially true in the winter. Sometimes I go days without leaving our apartment. It’s such an ordeal to get Will adequately bundled to go out in the snow, and I don’t like being cold, so we end up reading all the same books and singing all the same songs and playing with all the same toys everyday. It gets monotonous, and I don’t think it makes me a bad mom to admit that. I’ve been blessed to make some good friends since we moved to Cottonwood Heights who are in the same stage of life that I am, and that has helped me far more than I even imagined it could. I’ve always been kind of a loner, but I have never realized how much I truly need the friendship of like-minded women in my life. It has honestly made me a better person and by extension a better mom. I’m so grateful for friends and family members and especially a husband who understand my daily life and consistently help me to be better. It’s a beautiful gift.

I’m glad that I am married to a man I share so much with. I love being a mom to a child who consumes so much of my heart and mind. Being part of my family and friend groups lifts my soul and brings me joy. But I am still an individual, and I’m supposed to be.

Separation Anxiety

This is Will's favorite spot.

This summer has been busy and hectic, and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath right before I jump back into school for my final semester. I’ve loved being home with Will all summer. He is so much fun. I love watching him learn and grow. It’s also fun to know that I’m his favorite person. He is a complete Mama’s boy right now which makes sense since I’m with him 99% of his time. He loves to snuggle and talk to me, and he’s gotten to the point where he gets really frustrated if he can’t see me. I love that he’s so snuggly and loves me so much, but it’s been tough to have him be so clingy recently especially since I’m going to be leaving him for a few hours twice a week in order to go to class.

When Ty and I got married, I didn’t think that we’d have kids before I graduated. Then when we knew we were supposed to start having kids, I realized that my timeline was going to be different than I had originally projected (like every other aspect of my life). I’ve been really blessed to be able to finish all but three classes without leaving Will with a babysitter. Now though, I have to take my last 9 credits in person. I’ve been dreading going back to school since Will was born in January.

More than anything else, I have always wanted to be a mom, and now I am. It’s also been a goal for me to get my bachelor’s degree, and I am blessed to be in a situation where I can do both, but it still hurts my heart to know that I’ll be leaving my sweet little boy. I know it isn’t for very long, and I know I’m lucky because I can leave him with his grandmas. I know I’ll never regret finishing college, and I know that 31 afternoons away from my baby (yes, I counted) isn’t going to kill him or destroy our bond. I know that this is a better time to finish my degree than trying to go back to school in a few years when I have more children, but that doesn’t change the fact that I would rather not leave him at all.

Even though I know that it’s normal for Will to be getting clingy and having some separation anxiety at this stage in his life, I think my own separation anxiety might be worse than Will’s. I worry about leaving Will a lot. I know logically that it will be okay, but that doesn’t soothe me. So I’ve decided to let myself feel what I need to feel. Leaving Will is going to be hard for me, and that’s okay. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. I can do anything for four months, and I know I’ll be better for it when this is all over. Now pass me the tissues.

Postpartum Thoughts I Didn't Anticipate

I knew before Will was born that I would have overwhelming emotions during the postpartum period. I knew I would fall in love with our baby and be tired and sore, but I've found myself having some thoughts I did not anticipate. Here are a few.

I miss feeling William moving around and kicking me.

How can I feel so energized after giving birth and also so exhausted?

I'm still starving every two hours.

Going to the bathroom is the absolute worst.

Am I ruining my life and Will’s if I let him sleep on my chest at night?

These diapers don't actually smell bad.

Sneezing and coughing might be as bad as the bathroom.

Thank heaven Ty is happy to get up with Will so I can sleep a little more.

Those are some really stinky toots coming from such a small body that only consumes breast milk.

All I've done today is breastfeed.

Sitz baths are directly from heaven. Also witch hazel.

This tiny human is dictating everything now. I don't even mind.

How many pictures is too many?

Thank goodness Ty has four weeks of paternity leave.

How am I ever going to do this alone?

I can't believe this baby used to be inside my body.

Is it physiologically possible for my breasts to explode?

There's so much room in my bed.

Between breastfeeding and my jelly belly, my body takes on a new shape every few hours.

All my baby carrying muscles are so sore… I didn't even know some of them existed.

Is there anything better than baby smell?

I can sleep and nurse at the same time. Multitasking for the win!

I'm simultaneously more hydrated and more thirsty than I've ever been.

Oh yeah, baby boys can shoot pee at you while you're changing their diaper. I had forgotten that.

Breast milk stains.

I'm a horrible mother; I gave my child a pacifier when he was only a few days old.

Follow up: he's a nursing champ. Take that nipple confusion people.

I'm never going to get anything done again.

When I was pregnant I couldn't sit in the same position for very long because of discomfort, that's still the case but for very different reasons.

My husband is amazing. There's no way I could make this transition without him.

It's fun to have young siblings when you have a baby.

Why am I crying?

I'm taking more pills now than I've ever taken before.