Beatrice's Birth

At 10 am on January 15th, I decided I would use my breast pump for fifteen minutes to see if any contractions started up. I had had contractions the night before while I was on a walk, but they weren't very strong and stopped when I got home. The 15th was my due date, so I decided to go for it with the pump. At 10:30, my water broke with a gush, soaking my pants. I was having contractions every 4 minutes or so, but they weren't very strong. I called my mom and checked in with the midwife. My mom headed up to our house. Ty and the boys set up the birth pool, and I did some laundry. 

When my mom arrived at our house, we went on a walk to the park. I did some curb walking, and the boys played. My contractions continued, but they didn't seem to be getting much stronger. We got back to our house, and I spent a lot of time on my exercise ball. We called the midwife around 4, mostly because I wanted to listen to the baby's heart rate. Simon had issues with his heart rate in labor, so as soon as we heard her strong heart, I felt reassured. My dad and Hailey got to our house around this time too. My dad was the kid doula, responsible for keeping the boys busy, and Hailey was the photographer. 

We had already filled up the birth pool, and the boys got in for a swim. My contractions had still been steady, but there hadn't been a shift yet, so I figured we had some time. We ordered pizza for dinner. The boys were as rambunctious as ever, and I knew I wouldn't be able to fully relax and give birth until they were in bed. They started a movie with my dad after dinner, and I asked for a vaginal exam. I was dilated to a three after 7 ½ hours of labor, but my cervix was really thin which was encouraging. I wasn't too concerned since I know from past experience that things can change on a dime in labor. Simon's labor was so fast, that I had told my mom that I was hoping for an 8-10 hour labor in order to have a little more time to cope when things were intense. I also only ever went into labor after 2 hours of sleep, so I had prayed that I would be able to get a good night's sleep before the birth which I had the night before. My prayers were being answered. 

While we waited to put Will and Simon to bed, we turned the lights down, and I used the breast pump again, and then Ty and I slow danced for a while. Big hip movements can help the baby have more space to move down, so that was the goal. My contractions started to pick up, and I knew we'd have a baby before morning. I told the boys good night, and Ty put them to bed. Things shifted immediately and got way more intense. I got into the pool and so appreciated the relief the water provided. I knew I was in transition, getting a little longer to catch my breath, joking with my mom and sister between surges, but the contractions were really strong. Ty came out of the boys' room around 8 and came and rubbed my back straight down my spine through each contraction. It was exactly what I needed. I'm so grateful he's my partner. 

The contractions were getting more and more intense, but the sensations were totally different from my last two births. At one point, I decided just to push to see if that gave me some relief. It did! I was surprised because the urge was so different. I pushed through four or five contractions before I could feel her head coming. Ty helped me stand up (part of our plan), and I reached down and felt our baby's head and my mom's hands. It was such a beautiful, encouraging moment. I pushed with the next contraction, and her head was born with her body quick to follow. I lifted her up to my chest and sat down with relief in the tub. It was 9:42 pm, an eleven hour labor.

She was covered in vernix and didn't cry or try to open her eyes. She wasn't putting forth much respiratory effort, so the midwife gave her a few breaths and got her breathing without even taking her out of the tub. I got to snuggle her for a few minutes before we needed to cut her cord and get the placenta delivered since I was bleeding a bit. Ty did some skin to skin while my mom listened to the baby's heart and lungs, and the midwife, Brianna, helped me birth the placenta. The baby needed some help, and I was so grateful that my mom and husband were the ones who could help her. My placenta was super chunky and healthy, but it looked like there were some membranes that were tearing, so Brianna clamped them, and we moved to my bed. We decided her name was Beatrice, and she latched and nursed right away. It was so wonderful to soak her up. The birth was everything I hoped it would be. 

After she finished nursing, I told my mom that I felt like I was bleeding a lot. She and the midwife gave me another shot of pitocin and misoprostol to get my uterus contracting and manage the blood loss. My dad and Ty came in and gave me a blessing in order to help the bleeding stop. I handed Bea off to Ty, and he took her out into the living room. I told everyone I needed to throw up, and Hailey materialized next to me with an emesis bag. The next thing I knew, my mom was telling me that I had passed out. I ended up being treated for shock for the next several hours. I threw up as I came to, but I could tell that Brianna and my mom and the other assistant, Kate, were concerned. We talked about my options, including going to a hospital to get the bleeding under control, a manual removal of the trailing membranes (usually done in a hospital with anesthesia), and trying to void my bladder and see if some more massage of my uterus could remove some more of the clots we were seeing. I really wanted to avoid the hospital. I felt so strongly that I needed to be home when the boys woke up, and after all the trauma of Simon's birth, I couldn't bear the thought of the hospital again. I wanted to try and pee, so I got up with a lot of help and passed out again. 

Honestly, the next bit was a blur. I was out for 45 seconds and came to lying on the bathroom floor. I felt totally out of body and so weak. My ears were ringing, and I was super dizzy. I remember my mom at some point saying that she was texting people asking them to pray. I know Brianna consulted with another midwife about next steps, but those things are super vague and in the periphery of my memory. Brianna told me that I either needed to go to the hospital or that she could manually scrape the inside of my uterus with sterile gauze to remove clots and membranes. I told her to do the manual removal. It was easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I could feel myself retreat into my mind into survival mode, and I screamed and cried as Brianna did the procedure, but I was mostly unaware of anything except for the pain. There was a moment when I thought that I might die and leave my sweet babies with their dad. The whole experience was agonizing, and yet I felt shielded and surrounded by angels, a cohort of my grandmothers, protecting me, guiding the midwife, ministering to all of us in this excruciating moment. When it was over, I opened my eyes and realized that everyone was crying. It was a grueling experience for all of us. 

I stayed lying on the bathroom floor for a long while and had some juice. It was clear that my bleeding had slowed way down. The manual extraction had done its job. Kate and Brianna literally lifted me out of the bathroom and onto my carpet so that I could be more comfortable, but my vitals were still in the toilet. My blood pressure was extremely low, and my pulse was racing. I kept feeling dizzy and like I would pass out again, and the birth workers kept taking turns holding my legs up so that the blood was staying with my vital organs. Again, I felt detached from my body. Even though I knew everyone was worried, I felt safe and protected and surrounded by my angels. 

Brianna consulted with another midwife again since my vitals were not stabilizing even though the bleeding had stopped. The senior midwife told her that if she could get an IV placed and I responded well, we wouldn't have to transfer to the hospital. I desperately wanted to avoid a trip to the hospital and everyone was praying Brianna could get the IV in, no easy task with my blood loss and low blood pressure. As she tried to place the IV, I remember wishing I could pass out again. I was so exhausted and in a lot of pain. She couldn't place the IV in either of my arms, and I remember just silently praying that she would be able to find another vein. I couldn't imagine having to call an ambulance at this point after everything that had happened. Brianna tried one more place, my left wrist, and she was sure she had missed, but my mom and Kate realized that the IV fluids were running, and my body was receiving them faster than they had ever seen. It was a miracle. I stayed lying on the floor and received three bags of fluid. My dad went to In-N-Out to get us some food with my main need being to replenish my salt. Ty brought Bea back to me, and Brianna and Hailey each helped her nurse while I was lying there with the IV. I've never felt so depleted or so relieved. I felt so much better with the IV flowing and the food in my system. My vitals were still not great, so after I ate, Brianna piled some blankets on me and turned the lights off. She encouraged me to do some deep breathing and try to calm my body. 

I told Ty to go downstairs to try to sleep, and my mom came in, holding Bea. We were sitting in silence when I heard Simon trying to open his bedroom door. He ran over to me and snuggled up to me on the floor. I have no idea how my kids were able to stay asleep through everything that happened. It was another blessing, and I'm sure there were angels attending them just as there were with me. I snuggled Simon as best I could, and he was oblivious to the craziness of the situation and oblivious to his baby sister until she made a little grunting nose. He sat up and looked at her and released the most delightful little giggle. A few minutes later, Ty came in and got him and took him back to bed. Ty was so tired, he fell asleep at the foot of Simon's bed and slept there for the next four and a half hours until Will woke up at 6:30. 

Once I was through the three bags of fluid, my vitals were stable enough that I could move onto my bed. I was able to use the bathroom easily and nurse Beatrice again. A little while later, Brianna did the infant exam at the foot of my bed and revealed that Bea was 9 lbs 8 oz and 21 ½ inches long. She is my biggest baby by a full pound and a half an inch. Everything checked out for her, and I was so glad. She had been perfectly content with Ty the whole time the birth center team was attending to me. Truly a tender mercy. I can't imagine how much worse it would've been if I had been hearing her cry in the background. After the infant exam, my mom tucked me in for the night, and I got a glorious three and a half hours of sleep before Will woke up. I'm so grateful Bea slept for that stretch. We all definitely needed some rest. 

Introducing the boys to Bea the next morning was nothing short of magical. They are so in love. She is a content, sweet, sleepy, big baby. Will wants to hold her constantly. Simon likes to hold her for a few seconds at a time, but mostly he wants someone else to hold her while he boops her nose and talks to her. We are all smitten. I'm still tired and recovering from the loss of about 1200-1500 ccs of blood as well as the manual extraction of the membranes. It's been a really difficult first week postpartum. I have been so tired and sore. When the midwife saw my hematocrit, she strongly encouraged me to get a blood transfusion which I did one week after the birth. I felt better almost immediately and am so grateful.  

Ty told me afterwards that through everything, he was blessed with a calm assurance that everything was going to be fine. I'm grateful that was the case. I've learned so much from each of my baby's births, and this was obviously no exception. I could compile a mile long list of tender mercies and miracles from this experience. One of the takeaways for me is that God is so mindful of me and my family. We feel grateful and blessed, and I know Beatrice is going to be such a gift in our family just like our other kids are.

Processing Simon's Birth

I'm still trying to process Simon's birth emotionally. It was so far from what I wanted it to be and how I thought it would go that I'm having trouble reconciling feelings of hurt and anger that hit me at unpredictable times. For the most part, I love having a baby. I enjoy the snuggles and the sweet Spirit that accompanies them. I like breastfeeding and rocking them. I like that when they're sad, a lot of times just holding them is all they need. I appreciate that as the mom, I'm usually their favorite human. But this newborn phase has been different in that I'm dealing with pent up feelings surrounding Simon's birth.

Lately I just keep thinking of things that I should have said to the doctors and nurses to advocate for myself and have a birth that at least resembled the birth I wanted to have. Then I'm filled with anger and despair because based on my experience, I'm not convinced anyone would have listened anyway. And I feel defensive and think about how it's really unfair and unrealistic for me to have to be advocating for myself when I was trying to birth a baby which is such an all-consuming process.

Mostly I'm upset that I didn't get to spend the first few hours of Simon's life skin-to-skin with him, soaking up the snuggles. And a secondary frustration is that I don't have any pictures of when I first met him. Our plan was that my sister, Hailey, was going to take pictures of Simon's birth, but when we ended up going to the hospital, she stayed at our apartment with Will until my mother-in-law could get there. There were plenty of people just standing around in the birth room, but none of them took a picture of Ty and I with our brand new baby. My mom, the only person who did take a picture, was anxiously engaged in the birth and couldn't get a picture for a few minutes.

I oscillate between overwhelming anger and profound sadness that leaves me in tears at random and inconvenient times. Thinking about the way my baby was whisked away before we could really enjoy physical connection and bonding makes my heart ache. And the fact that when he was brought back from being suctioned and evaluated, he was wrapped up and no longer available for skin-to-skin makes me angry. I did spend more time doing skin-to-skin later, but it wasn't the same as it would have been right away. I know that from past experience, and I feel robbed. It brings up the constant feeling I had throughout my hospital stay of being disregarded in my wishes and intuition as a mother which was a complete 180 from my experiences with The Birth Center, feeling constantly supported and validated as a human being and mother.

"Love at first sight. I've been looking through birth photos today,
and I just had to share this beauty from when #babywilliamclark
 was only minutes old. I can hardly believe that my heart can open
up to another baby as much as it did for Will, but I know it will.
I already love this new baby so much, and I can't wait to
 have another moment like this."

I came across this Instagram post the other day. Often when I'm nursing Simon, Will climbs into my lap, and we look through pictures from when he was a baby or through past Instagram posts. This post was so full of hope for Simon's birth. Of course it resulted in tears from me and questions from my toddler. Things didn't go the way I hoped.

It's hard to communicate all this when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't mean to minimize the miracles of Simon's birth- there were many. I'm not taking his health for granted. I'm disappointed that his birth and first day of life weren't as peaceful and empowering and beautiful as they could have been, and I know that from experience. I'm grateful once again for the wisdom and understanding of my midwives, one of which said, “Just because having a healthy baby is the most important thing doesn't mean it's the only important thing.” That wisdom has really helped me to have the permission I needed to feel such a wide range of emotions without comparing myself to others or minimizing my experience.

Eve, the midwife who stayed with us through Simon's birth, has been so helpful as I've processed my experience and grieved the loss of the birth I hoped for as well as the loss of the precious first few hours of Simon's life. I'm also grateful for an understanding mom who not only understands and loves me, but also loves and understands birth. I really appreciate friends and family who have let me talk through my experience without judgement as well. I love Simon. I'm so grateful that he arrived safely. I'm glad I have such a strong support system and outstanding postpartum care. I'm going to continue having to process and reconcile experiences with Simon's birth, but I'm grateful to not be doing it alone.

From Only to Oldest

It’s been an amazing month with adding Simon to our family and the adjustment that has entailed. The person who has been affected most directly is obviously Will. For Tyler and I, the adjustment has been pretty smooth. We feel like we have more of a clue as to how to be parents this time around than we did with Will, and that’s been empowering. Of course, having a newborn is always exhausting, but it hasn’t rocked our world the way it did with Will. This could be because Simon is more easy-going than Will, but whatever the reason, adding Simon to our world has been pretty great.

The person who has been most affected has definitely been Will. Going from the center of our world to sharing that space has really rocked his world. Luckily, he hasn’t taken that out on Simon. In fact, he adores Simon. He regularly has meltdown when I won’t let him pick Simon up by himself or hold him every second of every day or wake him up whenever he feels like it.

What Will has struggled with is that I am no longer at his complete disposal all the time. Now that it’s been a month, he’s doing better, but the first two weeks were a serious battle. He was especially jealous when I would nurse Simon. Even though Ty and I were trying to be really intentional about spending one on one time with Will every day, he was still a disaster. He was acting out and being really contrary and having emotional breakdowns at every turn. It was exhausting and frustrating, but my overwhelming feeling was actually sympathy.

Watching Will struggle so much has been the hardest aspect of my postpartum experience this time around. I’ve recovered really well and quickly physically. I haven’t felt depressed or even had the blues. But my heart keeps breaking for Will. It breaks when he asks me if he can nurse or if he can snuggle with me while I’m rocking Simon to sleep. I want to cry when I tell him I’ll help him in a minute and he starts crying and asking for his daddy. It’s been really hard. In a lot of ways, it has felt like having Simon has made me a worse mom to Will.

I know that’s not the reality and that this is a period of adjustment that won’t last forever, but it has been really hard on my mommy heart. In a lot of ways, I miss being Will’s one and only. I miss being able to give all my attention to one little human. I wouldn’t change our life for anything; I love Simon, and I’m so glad he’s here, but I finally understand why people choose to have one child and leave it at that. Both of my boys are important to me and fill my heart-- I just want to be real about the fact that it’s been really hard. I’ve never been so frustrated with Will before, and then I’m angry with myself for being so frustrated with a toddler who is just beginning to learn about emotion regulation and sharing and love and family.

When Simon was born, I thought that I would want to spend the first day just with him and Ty and no one else. I was surprised when, just minutes after Simon’s birth, my thoughts turned to Will. My heart ached for him to be with us. I wanted to snuggle and kiss him and introduce him to his brother. It was almost as hard for me to wait for my mother-in-law to bring Will to the hospital as it was to wait for Simon to be released from the NICU and brought back to me. Each of my boys holds an important place in our family and my heart, and I am so grateful to have them both. I just didn’t realize that my heart was going to feel so bruised while it stretches and grows to find its new normal.

Today, Will wanted to be held all. day. long. It was exhausting. Not only is it physically exhausting to hold a toddler constantly, but it’s emotionally draining to have him pulling on me, asking me to pick him up when I’m trying to keep our household together and take care of an infant on top of addressing Will’s needs. When I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated this afternoon, I turned on some music, and Will and I ended up waltzing around the kitchen and living room. It started as an effort to stop his whining, and it ended with us giggling and then snuggled up in the rocking chair.

It’s hard for me to take the time to sit down and snuggle with Will. So much of my time lately is dominated by snuggling Simon while I nurse him or put him down for a nap, and when I am not doing one of those things, I don’t really want to be sitting and sharing my body with another tiny person, especially because said tiny person seems to be extremely gifted in the department of smashing his body into the most sensitive parts of my body. I’m glad that I can hold him though. I’m grateful that I don’t have to go back to work following Simon’s birth. I am overwhelmed by the complexity of motherhood and the fact that I can be so full of love that my heart aches and simultaneously want to shut myself in the bathroom and never interact with my toddler again.

I guess that’s life though. It’s beautiful and messy and exhausting and fulfilling. I’m glad this is my life. I just think there is power in transparency, and in the interest of being honest, this has been a really hard transition on the Will front. I’m glad it’s getting better, and it feels like I can see the light at the end of a long, emotionally-fraught tunnel because I really love this crazy, wonderful two-year-old, and I really love being a mom.

Simon's Birth Story

 

Most people I've talked to in the last little while know that I have been antsy to have my baby for a few weeks. What most people don't know is that I have also had the impression throughout my pregnancy that something intense was going to go down. There was a placental bleed in the first trimester when I thought I was going to miscarry, but even after that resolved, I felt like something was going to go wrong. That's not normal for me. I'm a pretty optimistic person, and I had a normal, low risk pregnancy both times with no red flags. I'm grateful for those impressions so that I was somewhat emotionally prepared for the challenges that came with this birth.

Ty and I planned on a home birth this time, and we were all ready to go. Ty submitted his final project for the semester at 11:59 pm on March 18th (baby's due date), and we went to bed. At 2, I woke up feeling a pretty intense contraction. I didn't want to pay attention too soon, but I couldn't sleep through them, and they were coming every 5-7 minutes. I took a shower and ate a snack, and the contractions stayed consistent. My labor with Will was 18 hours, so I was trying to settle in for the long haul, but things felt so much more intense this time around. I debated about calling my midwife or waiting, and I settled on calling her.

I talked to Eve at 4:30, and then texted my mom and sister to have them head to the house for the birth. Eve got there at 5:15, and Hailey and my mom were about 5 or 10 minutes after that. The first thing Eve did was listen to the baby's heart tones through a few contractions, and it was obvious that there were major decelerations happening at the peak of each contraction. At that point I was dilated to a 6, but baby's heart tones were problematic. We said a prayer together, and Tyler gave me a blessing, and we knew we needed to go to the hospital.

Because we had planned on a home birth, I didn't have a hospital bag packed, so we will threw a few things together and rushed to the hospital which is normally 15 minutes away (it took us 10 to get there). We left Hailey with Will, waiting for Tyler's mom. We got to the hospital at 6:20, and my contractions were consistently getting more intense, and baby's heart rate was still decelerating with each one. Luckily, he was recovering quickly between contractions, but since the most likely problem was a pinching in the cord, he needed to be born. I had progressed to an 8, and at the suggestion of the attending nurse, we decided to break my water.

When the doctor broke my water, there was meconium in it which is another risk factor, and baby really needed to be born now. Unfortunately, the doctors wanted me to labor on my back or side which made the contractions infinitely more painful. I asked if I could move to my hands and knees on the bed, and they didn't really want me to, but I had the strongest impression that I really needed to be on my knees. My mom and Ty and a nurse helped me turn over, and it felt so much better. The contractions were still intense, but I felt like I could cope better. I stayed that way through one contraction, and when the next came, I felt the urge to push, but the Spirit told me to wait. I know that I was only able to progress those last few centimeters because I followed the Spirit and changed positions, and if I had pushed during that contraction, the baby would have been in distress until another contraction had come so I could push him out.

I turned back over to my back at the insistence of the doctors, and when the next contraction came, I pushed three times, and he was born. The cord was wrapped around his head almost like a set of headphones which was why he'd had the decels as he descended. It was so fast and chaotic, but we were all glad that he came quickly and without the need for surgery. It was 7:36 am, barely more than an hour since we had arrived. They set the baby on my chest and worked to get him to cry. He did cry, and I delivered the placenta with no complications and no hemorrhage this time, so that was lovely. Unfortunately, because of the meconium, so he had to go to the NICU for a little while. He was 8 pounds 7 ounces and 21.25 inches long, and his weight was taken after he had pooped a couple of times. He’s almost a full pound heavier and over an inch taller than Will was at birth.

Tyler went with him, and I stayed in labor and delivery with my mom and Hailey and Eve. It was strange not to have my baby or Ty or Will with me. I felt sad without them. Ty and I hadn't agreed on a name, so he was nameless and not with his mama for a couple of hours. We were finally able to visit the NICU after a little while, and baby's respiration was quite good, but there were no doctors or nurses in sight to release him, and I had to get checked in upstairs, so I left my husband and baby again. It was even worse to leave them the second time. Ty finally brought him in when it was 11ish, and I was finally able to breastfeed the baby and talk about names. I'll write another time about the meaning behind his name, but we decided to name him Simon Robert Johns. I love the name and the baby.

We felt good to go at that point, and we wanted a 12 hour discharge, but the pediatrician wouldn't agree to that due to the meconium. We looked over the against medical advice forms, and I really wanted to go home to my own home and bed. The midwives at The Birth Center are always on call, and I felt like we would be in great hands with them. Ty even called our insurance to see if leaving AMA would cause a problem with our claim (it wouldn't). The hospital staff pretty much withdrew care when we mentioned that we might leave earlier than suggested. It was actually nice to have a break from the constant interruptions, but it was also concerning because no one was taking vitals or monitoring anything, and no one ever actually laid out the risks of going home early until Tyler pressed the nurse for an answer. We ultimately decided that I would stay with Simon and my mom would be backup, so Ty could go home and be with Will overnight in order to disrupt his life as little as possible. We felt kind of bullied into staying, and I think we'd have been fine, but Ty is naturally risk averse, and we decided that I might be able to rest better and take better care of Simon without worrying about Will too.

We live so close to the hospital that Ty actually went home and napped for a couple of hours in the afternoon before coming back to the hospital. I was able to nap off and on which was nice, but I think my mom was up for most of 24 hours without rest. She's amazing, and I'm so grateful to have her as part of my birth team and cheerleading section in general. It's been so nice to have her support. So far, Simon has been a much sleepier newborn than his older brother (who seriously never slept), but we still had a tough first night, and I wouldn't have survived without my mom.

Through the night (from about 2 am-4 am), Simon’s respiration rate was high. Because of the meconium in the fluid that puts him at risk for pneumonia if paired with a fever or other symptoms. Simon didn’t have any other symptoms, thank goodness, and by 6 am, his rates were normal and healthy. I wasn’t worried about his respiration through the night because he was crying a lot and was struggling to breastfeed during the times when the nurses were checking his vitals, and that obviously makes the rate higher, but the on call pediatrician didn’t seem to care about circumstances or anything else we had to say. She wanted to keep Simon another 24 hours even though my mom is a birth assistant who has neonatal resuscitation credentials and medical training and was going home with us, and we have access to a midwife who is on call 24/7 who can better support our care since she actually knows us and is willing to come to our house if needed.

As I thought and prayed about it, I felt comfortable with the decision to go home. We had to sign an AMA form, but I was not impressed with the pediatrician. She did not explain any risks we were assuming, nor did she tell us what to look for in Simon as warning signs that we needed to return to the hospital. It was an experience that assured me again that as William and Simon’s parents, Ty and I are the ones who ultimately have the stewardship over their health and well-being. I think it’s too bad that so many doctors are unwilling to really listen to parents or even try to understand their perspective. (I know there are good ones too. I just didn’t happen to come in contact with any through this experience). So we took our baby away from the hospital against medical advice, and I have to say: I feel so much better being at home. Simon is breathing really well. We’ve gotten more rest. Will gets to be with us. And I don’t see any downsides to our decision. I’m so grateful that we have the Spirit to help us make these decisions because otherwise, I think this would have been another depressing day in the hospital rather than a chance to be all together as a family and start recovering from an intense birth.

Overall, our outcomes were good, but this birth was nothing like the home birth I had pictured. It was fast and furious and pure chaos, but Simon has such a sweet and relaxed personality which has made the experience sweeter. The highlight was definitely when Will came to meet his brother. I wasn't sure how much he understood about the baby brother in my belly being an actual human, but as soon as he came in the hospital room, he knew his brother and was enamored with him. He didn't want anyone else to have a turn holding him, and he was so sweet with him. It melted my heart and made the train wreck of the morning worth it.

This was not the birth I wanted or had planned, and that's been hard and emotional, and I'm sad about it which is okay. It doesn't mean I don't love my baby or that I'm not grateful for hospitals and medical professionals, but I'm allowed to be sad, and I am. I'm counting my blessings that Simon is doing well and was born without surgery. I'm humbled that he was released from the NICU relatively quickly. I'm so glad I didn't need an epidural, so I could walk around immediately and feel ready to go right away. Most of all, I'm grateful for constant promptings from the Spirit that brought Simon safely here. My heart is truly overflowing.

What is Sleep?

This is how my mom left us when Will was 5 days old.

I've always been the kind of person who didn't need very much sleep. As a one year old, my mom quit giving me naps because if I took one, I wouldn't go to bed until 11. It's one of those characteristics that I've always had that I thought would be a blessing when the time came for me to have babies because I knew I wouldn't get very much sleep. And it has. I've been grateful that my body does okay without a lot of sleep. What I didn't fully grasp is the complete exhaustion that occurs when you have a baby.

This picture is one of the most genuine ones
I have of those early weeks with Will. Every
time I see it I cringe at the complete exhaustion
evidenced in my face, but this was my reality.

For the first few months of William's life, I didn't ever know what time it was. I slept when I could. While Ty was on paternity leave we kept crazy hours. Often we'd be awake in the middle of the night and sleep through the day. It mostly worked because we could take turns and just do what had to be done in order to get some rest. It got harder after Ty went back to work, and like every other new mom in the world, some nights were harder than others, but this is me. Before I got pregnant, 4 or 5 hours of sleep was enough to sustain me through the day. Pregnancy made it harder because I was so fatigued, but after Will was born I didn't feel like I needed as much sleep.

Then all of a sudden, every couple of weeks, I would just hit the wall and be so exhausted I would feel like I needed to sleep for three days straight just to function. What I learned most acutely was that functioning on few hours of sleep is different than waking up every hour for 10 hours. Never entering REM sleep is no joke. It was brutal, but just when I thought I would die from constant sleep deprivation, Will started sleeping pretty well. After that, he had a sleep regression, and today I've resigned myself to the reality that he is not a good sleeper.

I was always so relieved when I got Will to
sleep. I sent pictures like this to Ty at work a
lot because I knew he could appreciate them.

I don't know why Will doesn't nap or sleep well, but I do know that when people talk about newborns sleeping all the time, it doesn't apply to my baby. From the time he was born to the present, Will consistently has taken naps that only last 30-45 minutes at a time. It's our normal, but it's been hard to get used to. People always tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but when your baby only sleeps for short bursts of time, it's really hard to do that. In fact, trying to sleep while Will slept only made me resentful. I would put him down and by the time I had gone to the bathroom, taken a drink, and settled into bed to try to sleep, he would be awake again.

This summer has marked an interesting change in Will's sleep patterns. He'd be doing okay, and then we'd go to a family reunion and his whole schedule would deteriorate. We'd figure it out when we got home, and then we would have to leave again. One time he got an ear infection. Through the last weeks of summer, he was finally sleeping okay at night, but then I went back to school, and his sleep regressed again.

The sleep battle was never fought alone.

Being the only child right now means he gets a lot of cuddles when Ty and I are around. I think that with us both in school again, Will just misses all the connection. When he wakes up at night, he usually just needs a snuggle. Sometimes he wants to nurse, but a lot of the time I just rub his back or rock him and he settles down. Ty and I have even coslept with him a few times because he sleeps so much better with at least one of us next to him to reassure him when he wakes up.

I know it's normal for babies to wake up periodically through the night. I just didn't fully comprehend the scope of the amount of energy that goes into taking care of an infant night and day for weeks and months on end. I've spent hours googling how to help my baby sleep better, and basically what I've learned is that some babies just don't sleep very well, and this hopefully won't last forever. We've tried different sleep training methods. We have a solid bedtime routine. We use white noise and a humidifier. While each of these things has helped to varying degrees, Will just isn't a great sleeper, and neither was I. (I even apologized to my mom for that recently).

I love my sweet baby, and I've spent a lot of time holding him so he gets decent sleep. Ty even bought an amazing rocking chair that I've spent countless hours in as I've soothed and fed and read to and sung to our baby. It's pretty comfy for me to sleep in, so it works pretty well in moments of desperation. I just wish someone had honestly told me that on top of adjusting to being a new mom, there's always a possibility that your wonderful, sweet new baby won't sleep well and no amount of sleep training will help. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in this struggle. I know this stage of sleep deprivation won't last forever, so for now I'll just try to remember that and enjoy the extra snuggles.

Mimi holds him for naps a lot when she's around.
I think it's one of the reasons why Will loves her so much.

7 Reasons My Baby Is Actually A Hobbit

I love my baby. He's cute and cuddly, and we spend all day and most of the night together. I've recently noticed though that he has a lot in common with hobbits from The Lord of the Rings. Here are a few examples.

1.He's miniature.

Sure, he's a baby, but it's a similarity nonetheless.

2. When he was born, he had hair all over his body, including his feet.

Hobbits have notoriously hairy feet. William just had the typical peach fuzz, but it still reminded me of a hobbit.

3. Eating is the best part of the day.

A hobbit’s truest love is food.

4. He eats like 9 meals a day.

Remember when Pippin talked about second breakfast, elevensies, afternoon tea, lunch, dinner, supper etc? That is Will's reality.

5. He's a good friend.

When Frodo left the Shire on a dangerous quest, his friends willingly followed. William is a great listener and loves to smile in agreement with me.

6. He's underestimated.

Hobbits are always doing amazing things to shock everyone. William does too. From peeing all over things that are well outside his reach to holding the record for shortest nap ever, William loves to surprise us.

7. He provides a significant amount of comic relief.

The hobbits are always making everyone laugh with their shenanigans. William is the same way. Who knew newborns were so stinking funny?!

DISCLAIMER: I'm incredibly sleep deprived right now.

Postpartum Thoughts I Didn't Anticipate

I knew before Will was born that I would have overwhelming emotions during the postpartum period. I knew I would fall in love with our baby and be tired and sore, but I've found myself having some thoughts I did not anticipate. Here are a few.

I miss feeling William moving around and kicking me.

How can I feel so energized after giving birth and also so exhausted?

I'm still starving every two hours.

Going to the bathroom is the absolute worst.

Am I ruining my life and Will’s if I let him sleep on my chest at night?

These diapers don't actually smell bad.

Sneezing and coughing might be as bad as the bathroom.

Thank heaven Ty is happy to get up with Will so I can sleep a little more.

Those are some really stinky toots coming from such a small body that only consumes breast milk.

All I've done today is breastfeed.

Sitz baths are directly from heaven. Also witch hazel.

This tiny human is dictating everything now. I don't even mind.

How many pictures is too many?

Thank goodness Ty has four weeks of paternity leave.

How am I ever going to do this alone?

I can't believe this baby used to be inside my body.

Is it physiologically possible for my breasts to explode?

There's so much room in my bed.

Between breastfeeding and my jelly belly, my body takes on a new shape every few hours.

All my baby carrying muscles are so sore… I didn't even know some of them existed.

Is there anything better than baby smell?

I can sleep and nurse at the same time. Multitasking for the win!

I'm simultaneously more hydrated and more thirsty than I've ever been.

Oh yeah, baby boys can shoot pee at you while you're changing their diaper. I had forgotten that.

Breast milk stains.

I'm a horrible mother; I gave my child a pacifier when he was only a few days old.

Follow up: he's a nursing champ. Take that nipple confusion people.

I'm never going to get anything done again.

When I was pregnant I couldn't sit in the same position for very long because of discomfort, that's still the case but for very different reasons.

My husband is amazing. There's no way I could make this transition without him.

It's fun to have young siblings when you have a baby.

Why am I crying?

I'm taking more pills now than I've ever taken before.