Processing Simon's Birth

I'm still trying to process Simon's birth emotionally. It was so far from what I wanted it to be and how I thought it would go that I'm having trouble reconciling feelings of hurt and anger that hit me at unpredictable times. For the most part, I love having a baby. I enjoy the snuggles and the sweet Spirit that accompanies them. I like breastfeeding and rocking them. I like that when they're sad, a lot of times just holding them is all they need. I appreciate that as the mom, I'm usually their favorite human. But this newborn phase has been different in that I'm dealing with pent up feelings surrounding Simon's birth.

Lately I just keep thinking of things that I should have said to the doctors and nurses to advocate for myself and have a birth that at least resembled the birth I wanted to have. Then I'm filled with anger and despair because based on my experience, I'm not convinced anyone would have listened anyway. And I feel defensive and think about how it's really unfair and unrealistic for me to have to be advocating for myself when I was trying to birth a baby which is such an all-consuming process.

Mostly I'm upset that I didn't get to spend the first few hours of Simon's life skin-to-skin with him, soaking up the snuggles. And a secondary frustration is that I don't have any pictures of when I first met him. Our plan was that my sister, Hailey, was going to take pictures of Simon's birth, but when we ended up going to the hospital, she stayed at our apartment with Will until my mother-in-law could get there. There were plenty of people just standing around in the birth room, but none of them took a picture of Ty and I with our brand new baby. My mom, the only person who did take a picture, was anxiously engaged in the birth and couldn't get a picture for a few minutes.

I oscillate between overwhelming anger and profound sadness that leaves me in tears at random and inconvenient times. Thinking about the way my baby was whisked away before we could really enjoy physical connection and bonding makes my heart ache. And the fact that when he was brought back from being suctioned and evaluated, he was wrapped up and no longer available for skin-to-skin makes me angry. I did spend more time doing skin-to-skin later, but it wasn't the same as it would have been right away. I know that from past experience, and I feel robbed. It brings up the constant feeling I had throughout my hospital stay of being disregarded in my wishes and intuition as a mother which was a complete 180 from my experiences with The Birth Center, feeling constantly supported and validated as a human being and mother.

"Love at first sight. I've been looking through birth photos today,
and I just had to share this beauty from when #babywilliamclark
 was only minutes old. I can hardly believe that my heart can open
up to another baby as much as it did for Will, but I know it will.
I already love this new baby so much, and I can't wait to
 have another moment like this."

I came across this Instagram post the other day. Often when I'm nursing Simon, Will climbs into my lap, and we look through pictures from when he was a baby or through past Instagram posts. This post was so full of hope for Simon's birth. Of course it resulted in tears from me and questions from my toddler. Things didn't go the way I hoped.

It's hard to communicate all this when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't mean to minimize the miracles of Simon's birth- there were many. I'm not taking his health for granted. I'm disappointed that his birth and first day of life weren't as peaceful and empowering and beautiful as they could have been, and I know that from experience. I'm grateful once again for the wisdom and understanding of my midwives, one of which said, “Just because having a healthy baby is the most important thing doesn't mean it's the only important thing.” That wisdom has really helped me to have the permission I needed to feel such a wide range of emotions without comparing myself to others or minimizing my experience.

Eve, the midwife who stayed with us through Simon's birth, has been so helpful as I've processed my experience and grieved the loss of the birth I hoped for as well as the loss of the precious first few hours of Simon's life. I'm also grateful for an understanding mom who not only understands and loves me, but also loves and understands birth. I really appreciate friends and family who have let me talk through my experience without judgement as well. I love Simon. I'm so grateful that he arrived safely. I'm glad I have such a strong support system and outstanding postpartum care. I'm going to continue having to process and reconcile experiences with Simon's birth, but I'm grateful to not be doing it alone.

From Only to Oldest

It’s been an amazing month with adding Simon to our family and the adjustment that has entailed. The person who has been affected most directly is obviously Will. For Tyler and I, the adjustment has been pretty smooth. We feel like we have more of a clue as to how to be parents this time around than we did with Will, and that’s been empowering. Of course, having a newborn is always exhausting, but it hasn’t rocked our world the way it did with Will. This could be because Simon is more easy-going than Will, but whatever the reason, adding Simon to our world has been pretty great.

The person who has been most affected has definitely been Will. Going from the center of our world to sharing that space has really rocked his world. Luckily, he hasn’t taken that out on Simon. In fact, he adores Simon. He regularly has meltdown when I won’t let him pick Simon up by himself or hold him every second of every day or wake him up whenever he feels like it.

What Will has struggled with is that I am no longer at his complete disposal all the time. Now that it’s been a month, he’s doing better, but the first two weeks were a serious battle. He was especially jealous when I would nurse Simon. Even though Ty and I were trying to be really intentional about spending one on one time with Will every day, he was still a disaster. He was acting out and being really contrary and having emotional breakdowns at every turn. It was exhausting and frustrating, but my overwhelming feeling was actually sympathy.

Watching Will struggle so much has been the hardest aspect of my postpartum experience this time around. I’ve recovered really well and quickly physically. I haven’t felt depressed or even had the blues. But my heart keeps breaking for Will. It breaks when he asks me if he can nurse or if he can snuggle with me while I’m rocking Simon to sleep. I want to cry when I tell him I’ll help him in a minute and he starts crying and asking for his daddy. It’s been really hard. In a lot of ways, it has felt like having Simon has made me a worse mom to Will.

I know that’s not the reality and that this is a period of adjustment that won’t last forever, but it has been really hard on my mommy heart. In a lot of ways, I miss being Will’s one and only. I miss being able to give all my attention to one little human. I wouldn’t change our life for anything; I love Simon, and I’m so glad he’s here, but I finally understand why people choose to have one child and leave it at that. Both of my boys are important to me and fill my heart-- I just want to be real about the fact that it’s been really hard. I’ve never been so frustrated with Will before, and then I’m angry with myself for being so frustrated with a toddler who is just beginning to learn about emotion regulation and sharing and love and family.

When Simon was born, I thought that I would want to spend the first day just with him and Ty and no one else. I was surprised when, just minutes after Simon’s birth, my thoughts turned to Will. My heart ached for him to be with us. I wanted to snuggle and kiss him and introduce him to his brother. It was almost as hard for me to wait for my mother-in-law to bring Will to the hospital as it was to wait for Simon to be released from the NICU and brought back to me. Each of my boys holds an important place in our family and my heart, and I am so grateful to have them both. I just didn’t realize that my heart was going to feel so bruised while it stretches and grows to find its new normal.

Today, Will wanted to be held all. day. long. It was exhausting. Not only is it physically exhausting to hold a toddler constantly, but it’s emotionally draining to have him pulling on me, asking me to pick him up when I’m trying to keep our household together and take care of an infant on top of addressing Will’s needs. When I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated this afternoon, I turned on some music, and Will and I ended up waltzing around the kitchen and living room. It started as an effort to stop his whining, and it ended with us giggling and then snuggled up in the rocking chair.

It’s hard for me to take the time to sit down and snuggle with Will. So much of my time lately is dominated by snuggling Simon while I nurse him or put him down for a nap, and when I am not doing one of those things, I don’t really want to be sitting and sharing my body with another tiny person, especially because said tiny person seems to be extremely gifted in the department of smashing his body into the most sensitive parts of my body. I’m glad that I can hold him though. I’m grateful that I don’t have to go back to work following Simon’s birth. I am overwhelmed by the complexity of motherhood and the fact that I can be so full of love that my heart aches and simultaneously want to shut myself in the bathroom and never interact with my toddler again.

I guess that’s life though. It’s beautiful and messy and exhausting and fulfilling. I’m glad this is my life. I just think there is power in transparency, and in the interest of being honest, this has been a really hard transition on the Will front. I’m glad it’s getting better, and it feels like I can see the light at the end of a long, emotionally-fraught tunnel because I really love this crazy, wonderful two-year-old, and I really love being a mom.

FAQs at 39 Weeks

How are you?

Tired. Excited. Sick of being pregnant.

Are you dilating at all?

The Birth Center doesn’t do routine cervical checks since it’s not an accurate indication of when the baby will born and can actually hinder the natural process of dilation and effacement, so I have no idea. I’m just letting my body do its thing.

Have you had a lot of contractions?
Nope. None. I'm trying not to be discouraged by this, but aside from millions of Braxton Hicks that aren't intense enough to even draw my attention, there have been no contractions to speak of.

When is your due date?

March 18th is my due date. It feels like a million years away.

When will you be induced?

The Birth Center also doesn’t do traditional induction. If I get to almost 42 weeks, I’ll do some natural and homeopathic things to try to bring on labor. If the baby isn’t born, I’ll have to transfer to a hospital for traditional induction.

Were you early or late with Will?

Will was born right on his due date, so I feel like I have no frame of reference for whether this baby will be early or late. It’s more maddening this time around for some reason.

How do you think Will will do when the baby is born?

A couple of months ago, I was terrified of the prospect of WIll’s adjustment to life with a sibling, but I’m actually feeling cautiously optimistic now. He loves babies, and he talks about baby brother all the time. He’s also started asking to hold babies and kiss them, and he loves to get the baby’s diapers out of the dresser for me too. I know it won’t be totally smooth, but I’m feeling positive and hoping we have more happiness than tears.

If you need me, I'll be over here, bouncing on my exercise ball, sipping my red raspberry leaf tea, and praying this baby comes soon.

Snuggles with Will

Snuggling during a movie

The last two months have been kind of rough on the mom front. Will has been clingy and more needy than usual, and I have been more uncomfortable and less patient than usual. Will was going through this awesome phase where he wouldn’t let anyone except for me help him with anything which was less than fantastic since I have a lot of willing helpers in my life who Will would not accept any help from. I’m sure his little self can sense the big changes on the horizon. We talk about baby brother all the time, and he loves to check on him at the Birth Center and feel him move. It’s just been kind of a struggle, and it’s definitely been a long couple of months, but the last two weeks, my sweet, helpful, happy toddler has reappeared!

Will is normally a very active kid. He naturally skips when he’s walking because he’s just a bouncy little person. He loves to give hugs and kisses on his own terms, but he’s not much of a snuggler anymore. He just has too many things to do. The last couple of weeks though, he has asked me on an almost daily basis for “Mama snuggles.” It melts my heart. It doesn’t usually last more than a minute or two, but it has melted my heart every time. He is such a sweetheart, and I love that he wants to connect with me physically. It’s really made me realize that I am going to miss these days of having my attention focused on one little person rather than divided.

I’ve been so busy being tired of being pregnant and excited to meet this next little man that I haven’t taken much time to grieve the changes that are inevitably coming into my world on the Will front. I know that so much joy awaits us, but it also breaks my heart a little bit, and I know that that’s okay. I want to enjoy and soak up this time with Will without wishing it away as much as I really am tired of being pregnant. I have an amazing toddler here already, and I want to love on him as much as possible for as long as he’ll let me.

Yesterday morning, Will woke up at 6 am which is not his norm. He usually goes down at 8 and wakes up between 8:30 and 10 the next morning, so when I went into his room, he was still groggy. He reached up and said, “Rock with Mama? Snuggle? Sing songs?” I started to cry as I tried to find a way for us to snuggle around my rather large belly and rocked him and sang songs with him for 20 minutes or so before he went back to sleep. It was a moment that I really got to cherish despite the fact that I was exhausted and my body is sore thanks to the whole nine-months-pregnant thing.

I don’t want to miss any opportunities for the precious one-on-one time I have left with Will. He’s such a sweet kid, and as excited as I am to see him with his baby brother, I’m going to miss our little love bubble with just the two of us. So if you need me over the next week or so (or until our baby decides to come), I’ll be snuggling my first born.

I Am So Tired

Some fun on Trax. Will was in heaven.

I don’t remember being this uncomfortable at the end of my pregnancy with Will, and I don’t remember it being so hard to get enough sleep. Maybe it was, and my brain is being merciful by not remembering, or maybe this pregnancy has been so different from the last one that I am seeing more and more discrepancies than similarities. My pregnancy pillow is doing nothing to help with the discomfort of trying to sleep, and baby’s most active time is usually from 10 pm to about 2:30 am. It’s distracting above all else, but I know from my experience with Will’s birth that I’ll actually miss feeling the kicks and wiggles of this little guy once he’s born.

I’m looking forward to this baby’s birth. I know that labor is challenging, but I also know that it results in a sweet little baby. I’m so excited to see his face and kiss his head and argue with Tyler about his name. I can’t wait to introduce him to his big brother. I love this baby so much, and Will has been especially interested in all things “baby brother” this week which warms my mommy heart to bursting and results in a cry fest.

I’ve been a basketcase the last few days. It’s like my eyes are always primed and ready to cry at any time. Will does something adorable? Tears. The baby moves in a surprising way? Tears. I’m out of cookies? Tears. I’m tired? Tears. Will takes his first train ride? Tears. My sister gets home from her mission? Tears. It takes Will 45 minutes to eat his little bowl of breakfast? Tears. Driving home in the dark, and Will is singing the Hundred Acre Wood song in the back seat? Tears. It’s just my natural response to everything. The crying response seems more heightened this time around too.

I’m having a hard time with the waiting game this time. When we were waiting for Will’s birth, I was excited, but I wasn’t in a hurry for him to be born. I think there was a little undercurrent of fear in the face of the responsibility of parenthood. But this time, there’s no avoiding that because I’m already a mom, and I know that along with the stress and exhaustion and struggle of parenthood, there is true beauty and grace and so much love that you wonder if you can bear it. I already have that everyday, and I know that my heart will somehow expand to envelope this little person as well. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the opportunity to be a mother to another little human, and I am looking forward to it even though I know that I have many more sleepless nights and a postpartum recovery ahead of me.

Basically, I’m tired and tired of waiting for the baby’s birth even though I know logically that I probably have at least two weeks before this baby makes his debut. In the meantime, I’m trying to soak up as much one on one time with Will as I can and not drive everyone around me to insanity with my illogical concerns and incessant crying.

William Clark: Year 2

William is two! I can’t even believe it. The passage of time seems so crazy when I look at Will. It’s hard to really remember our life without him because it seems like he’s been part of us forever, but I also remember giving birth to him like it was yesterday. I know it’s cliche to feel that way about my little boy, but I do. There are so many aspects of his personality that have existed since he was in the womb. I first felt him move at 13 weeks (which is super early), and I felt him move constantly after that. I used to tell Ty that our baby was a gymnast because he was so active all the time. Now I watch him move, and it’s like he has an invisible pogo stick with him constantly. He is bouncy in all his movement and brings us endless laughter and joy.

There have been some rough stages this year, but it has also brought some incredible development. Will is a chatterbox. He talks nonstop, and he’s pretty easy to understand. Strangers often ask me how old he is and remark on his language skills. He also has continued to develop his very strong will. He has clear ideas about what he wants and how things should be done. It’s cute until it isn’t. ;) He is still a social butterfly and wants to be interacting with people all the time. We have to leave the house every day, or he is cranky.

Luckily for me, Will is still a snuggle bug. He wants “loves” before and after bed and naps and often asks to snuggle at random times throughout the day. He’s affectionate with people he knows well, but he loves to tease by not giving hugs when his aunts and uncles ask for them. He also still loves to read books, and we spend a lot of time reading the same books over and over for about a week before he moves on to new ones. He especially loves anything that has to do with animals, dinosaurs in particular.

Balls are still his favorite toys, and he’s developed a deep love for basketball this winter as we’ve trekked to Molly’s games. He can usually be found with his baby doll named Sarah under one arm and his ball in the other hand. It’s the perfect picture of who he is. He is wild and gentle, active and affectionate, kind and stubborn. I’ve been a little surprised by how rich his personality is at such a young age and how developed his preferences are. He will often tell me exactly where he wants to go and who he wants to play with, and he almost always has an opinion about what clothes to wear.

Swimming is still one of his favorite things, so that’s what we did to celebrate his birthday. We actually had his party a couple of weeks ago when his only first cousins were in town. We had pizza and ice cream and went swimming. He was thrilled with the combination. He got a tricycle that he’s ridden almost constantly since then. He also discovered how to play hide-and-seek the day after his party, and that has quickly become his favorite game to play. He loves to find his own hiding spots, and his silence while hiding is uncanny.

He talks about baby brother and his heartbeat a lot, and he likes to kiss and pet my belly to “be soft.” He loves to “help Mama,” and I’m hoping that that is a positive thing when the baby arrives. One of his favorite things to do is make cookies or dinner, and he is a true Bayles and wants to eat all the cookie dough (and the cookies). He also loves church and gets so excited when he realizes that it’s “nursery day.” He’s become the mascot of our Relief Society since I’m on the activities committee, and he usually has to come with me to planning meetings and to set up and sometimes to activities if Ty is working late. I think he has more friends than anyone I’ve ever known which is a gift that I don’t have and really admire in him.

I’m still honored and humbled by the opportunity I have to be Will’s mom on a daily basis. I hope he always wants to help me and knows how loved he is.

Here's a link to well over 200 photos of Will from the last year. It's been a wonderful adventure so far!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/Qp3lYIJICFkyVJr42

And here is a shorter version in video form:

When I'm Not My Best (As I Haven't Been Lately)

I’ve been battling with myself quite a bit since July. Being somewhat of a perfectionist, I try to be aware of my own personal development as much as I can, and I have not been happy with how I’ve been doing. I found out I was pregnant on July 9th, and I was so excited. I was already pretty sure because even before the positive test, I had felt some fatigue and nausea that reminded me of my pregnancy with Will. About a week after I took the test, I went down. Hard. I threw up so much and had no energy. I would spend most of my day lying on the couch watching Will play or leaning over the toilet trying to reassure my hysterical toddler that his mom was okay. This lasted for two and half months, and it was some of the longest days and weeks of my life.

There were many pajama days

I had the occasional good day, and weekends were better because Ty was home to take care of Will and me, but overall, I was a mess. Amid the vomiting and sleeping, I also learned that I had a placental bleed which is not usually dangerous, but it is something that needs to be monitored, and I needed to be extra careful to take it easy. It wasn’t hard to take it easy since I felt like I could barely walk most of the time, but it was a new sensation to be worried about my baby all the time. My pregnancy with Will was textbook, and on top of that I hardly ever felt nauseous and only threw up a handful of times. Even though I was working and in school for my whole pregnancy with Will, I was usually still able to take a nap if I desperately needed one or to go to bed at 7 to make sure I was getting enough rest. I’ve realized that it’s just harder to take care of yourself while also taking care of a toddler. In the midst of all the temporal chaos, spiritual feasting completely fell by the wayside, and forget any kind of intimacy in my marriage. Days would go by before I would realize that I hadn’t even had a conversation with Tyler beyond telling him how horrible I felt in days.

Making dinner sitting down because I couldn't stand

When I hit 12 weeks, I was sure I would start to feel better. I didn’t. I was still vomiting and still constantly exhausted. My poor toddler was a disaster. He’s a social boy, and not leaving the house for days at a time shut him down. He went home with my mom after she got off of work a couple of times, and he was so happy to be going somewhere and playing with people who could be more engaged. Sometimes I could muster the energy to drive to Pleasant Grove to my parents’ house and lie in the recliner all day while my parents and siblings took care of Will. I knew logically that my body needed rest, but I felt so guilty for the way some of Will’s needs (especially socially) were not being met (specifically by me) because I physically could not do anything to help and support him.

I cried to Tyler that I wasn’t being a good person, and I was an even worse mom. He reassured me that I was doing everything I could, and that it was okay to take care of this baby and myself. Several friends and siblings shared hope with me when I couldn’t see any. I started to feel resentful that being pregnant was making me a bad mom to my child that I already had. I was doing a good thing, and it felt like I was being punished for it. Finally, at 17 weeks, I started to feel like a person again, and the negativity that had clouded my heart and mind for nearly three months started to lift.

My mom's famous recliner for the invalid,
emotionally sick, pregnant, or otherwise ailing

I know that I can’t fully comprehend the reality of living with a chronic illness, but I feel like I have a better ability to empathize with that trial after this experience. Just in the last week, I have finally been able to wake up earlier and read and study my scriptures and conference talks. Tyler and I have had meaningful conversations, and Will and I have made it to the park and on walks and to the store and to football games without me feeling like a dementor was sucking the life out of me. I’m grateful that I’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope it keeps shining. I feel the baby move every day now, and even when I start to feel sick again, that reassures me.

As I think back over the last three months, I know that I wasn’t a horrible mom. I know that I wasn’t my best, but I did spend a lot of time lying on the couch, but with that came many snuggles with my sweet son and lots of reading time with his favorite books. Even though I couldn’t see my spiritual growth, I was sustained in my calling. I was able to play the piano at church each week and be prepared for our primary program even though I didn’t have the capacity to practice. There were miracles all around me that I am just now seeing, and I am so grateful to have open eyes.

I know that I can be better, but I also know that my effort wasn’t ever wasted. And even my desire to be a better mom was noticed by the Savior, and through the power of the atonement, I was able to nurture and help my son enough. I also know that even though there are other trials that are much harder than mine, that does not minimize my own experience and the challenges I have faced in the last few months. I am so grateful for my life and especially for my health, which I have previously taken for granted over and over again. I have a beautiful life, and I am so excited to have another little human joining our family in March. I know I will be supported and lifted in that endeavor just as I have through this trial.

Finally venturing outside, and look at Will's joy (and my exhaustion)

Missing Bug

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by how much I miss Hailey. Yesterday, out of nowhere, I found myself in tears wishing I could just call her and talk to her. I’m so glad she’s on a mission, and I genuinely love emailing with her and hearing about all the experiences she’s having, but there’s something about not being able to call her and chat that is just hard sometimes. Luckily, Mother’s Day is coming which means we can skype, and I’m so excited to have a real conversation with her.

Hailey is my best friend. Even through the years when we weren’t very nice to each other, we had each other’s backs. She could always make me laugh and show me a new perspective when I was struggling, and I was one of the only people who could get away with telling her when she was being just a touch overdramatic. My appreciation for Hailey really grew when we were in high school together. We are so different, but we were involved in pretty much all the same things and spent more time together than we had since we were toddlers. I really came to appreciate her honesty and her black and white worldview even though I didn’t always agree with her.

Our differences are the most enriching part of our relationship. People who don’t know us super well notice that we’re very different, but they often misplace our differences. I still remember people telling me that I was a people pleaser and that Hailey was blunt and didn’t care about people’s reactions. I laughed out loud. Just because my energy is more still and my resting volume is lower, does not mean that I am a people pleaser. Hailey has always been far more concerned about people pleasing than I have. She is intuitively more empathetic than I am. She forgives with more ease than I do. She is better at making friends and including people in her life. She is one of the most service-oriented people I have ever known. She has so many gifts that I have tried to emulate more in recent years. Sure, she’s also loud and blunt and argumentative and thinks she’s always right, but all of these things complete the picture of my sister and best friend. (But she can’t always be right because I’m always right). ;)

When Hailey decided to come to UVU, I was thrilled. I was so excited just to be living in the same city again. Knowing that I could call her and see her within ten minutes was such a gift. She moved to Orem when I was five months pregnant with Will and Ty was in New York for a job training. She stopped by my apartment to check in on me; we met up on campus; she dragged me into social situations. If she hadn’t been in Orem, I probably would have spent the whole month watching Netflix in my bedroom. Then after Will was born, she continued to serve me. She would come over and just take him on a walk, so I could sleep for a little bit. She would talk to me when I felt like I was going crazy from all the one way conversations I was having with my newborn. She drove Will and me to Riley’s soccer games and the grocery store since I didn’t have a car most days.

I provided my washer and dryer, food, and a sounding board when she came over or we got together, but I know that I was blessed more by her than she was by me. It was sad for me when she moved home and then to California for the summer. I missed her a lot, but I could still call her between her work and adventures to connect when I needed her sunshine, and she called me when she needed me to lift her up. I miss that. I miss the day to day text messages and being able to share hugs and silence together when that’s what was needed.

Now, I send emails and letters and the occasional package, but it's different. I love sharing her mission with her this way, but I also miss the day to day, physical interaction. I watch Will smile and laugh when he sees pictures of grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles, and there is no recognition when he sees Hailey's picture even though she held him more than Ty did some days. I know this will pass. She'll be home in less than a year, and I know she and Will will be best friends again, but I'm allowed to miss her in the meantime. And today, I really miss her.

In Awe

Sometimes I find myself in awe of motherhood all over again. When Will was first born, I found myself constantly taken aback by the miracle of life and babies. There was something just so sacred about seeing such tiny features on a perfect little body. I just didn’t anticipate that after a year, he would still take my breath away in unexpected ways. This morning, I was nursing him, and he looked up at me and smiled between swallows. There’s so much about being a parent that is overwhelming, but nothing is more overwhelming than the love I feel for Will.

For some reason, I was caught off guard this morning. Will’s love and affection is so pure and it blows my mind. I am amazed by his love. So often, I fall short as a mother. I lose my patience. I get bored being in the house constantly. I get distracted and am not as attentive as I could be. Will doesn’t mind though. He is forever forgiving. He has taught me so much about what the love of Christ really is. The way he always runs to me to give me a hug even when I’m not the best mom I could be is just one illustration of how incredible the love of a child truly is.

This illustration of love has been one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. Even though I get to experience a small piece of God’s love through the love I feel for my son, I also get to feel it in the love that Will shows me. Will has always been a snuggly baby, but he’s become more and more affectionate as he’s gotten older. He now gives kisses when you ask for them, and anytime Ty and I are kissing or snuggling on the couch, Will runs over to be part of the snuggles. I love it. I hoped that I would have physically affectionate children, and so far, my wish has been granted.

I still find myself feeling completely overwhelmed by the love I feel for the boys in my family. They bring so much joy and love into my life, and I feel so blessed to be experiencing life together. I find myself continually in awe of the beauty of God’s plan of happiness. I’m so grateful to be sealed in the temple and sharing my life with a family on this eternal journey.

Joy In All Its Glory

Then...

Whenever Ty and I go to a wedding and sign a book or write a card, our inscription usually includes this quote: “Joy in all its glory can only be obtained through unselfishness.” The quote originated with Ben Behunin, a potter, writer, and family friend, and it really resonates with me. It’s how Tyler and I have tried to structure our marriage and family. The truth is that Ty is naturally unselfish. I think it’s part of the reason why adjusting to marriage was pretty seamless for us. It’s easy to learn to live with someone who is always considerate of your thoughts and actions.

I was reminded of Ty’s selfless behavior on my birthday yesterday. He surprised me in the morning with the announcement that he wasn’t going to work and that I needed to get ready quickly because we had somewhere to be at 11, and we needed to drop Will off. It’s a big sacrifice for Ty to take work off right now. He has tons of meetings everyday for a big event coming up, and one of the guys on his team has been out of the office for three months recovering from back surgery. I was touched that he had decided to take a vacation day since I had specifically told him not to worry about it and that we could celebrate another day.

It turns out that our appointment at 11 was for a couples massage. This was another testament to Ty’s selflessness. I’ve always wanted to have a professional massage, but Ty had no desire. He really likes his bubble, and aside from me and (most of the time) Will, he doesn’t like to be touched very much. But he knew how much I would love a couples massage, so he booked one. It was amazing, and he enjoyed it even though he was a little apprehensive at first. After spending some time in a sauna following our massage, Ty took me to lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. We share a love a Brazilian food, but we don’t eat it very often due to availability and expense.

After lunch, we went shopping which was really nice to do without Will. As much as we love our little man, shopping is pretty hard with him in tow. I got some shoes and shirts, and Ty found some slacks for work and a nice sweater. I mostly just enjoyed being together. We don’t see each other very much during the week, and Saturdays are filled with homework and family events. Time to talk and enjoy being with Ty was the best gift I could have possibly received, and I’m so grateful that Sherrie (Ty’s mom) was able to watch Will. I didn’t worry about him at all. I just enjoyed the day.

We ended my birthday with a trip to the theater. I know it sounds silly, but not seeing movies in the theater has been one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for us. Ty and I both love movies, and before Will was born, we went to the theater often. We usually took advantage of $5  Tuesdays, but now, Will goes to bed at 8, and he’s at a horrible age for the theater. Finding a babysitter just isn’t worth it to see movies. We enjoy Netflix and Redbox on our projector, but we miss the theater. We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and we both loved it. Harry Potter and all things wizarding will always be dear to my heart.

And now.

We were going to get dinner after the movie, but we were still full from lunch, and we’d reached our limit of Will-free time. He’d been at his Grandma and Grandpa’s house for eight hours, and we missed him a lot. He was so excited to see us. He’s at such a fun stage. He is so chatty and busy all the time, and he’s super affectionate. It melts my heart to see him run up to Ty everyday when he gets home from work. I love my boys so much. My life is so much richer and more fun because of them. I didn’t take any pictures the whole day. My phone is broken, and I really just soaked up every minute without even considering taking a picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it-- it was a wonderful day.

What is Sleep?

This is how my mom left us when Will was 5 days old.

I've always been the kind of person who didn't need very much sleep. As a one year old, my mom quit giving me naps because if I took one, I wouldn't go to bed until 11. It's one of those characteristics that I've always had that I thought would be a blessing when the time came for me to have babies because I knew I wouldn't get very much sleep. And it has. I've been grateful that my body does okay without a lot of sleep. What I didn't fully grasp is the complete exhaustion that occurs when you have a baby.

This picture is one of the most genuine ones
I have of those early weeks with Will. Every
time I see it I cringe at the complete exhaustion
evidenced in my face, but this was my reality.

For the first few months of William's life, I didn't ever know what time it was. I slept when I could. While Ty was on paternity leave we kept crazy hours. Often we'd be awake in the middle of the night and sleep through the day. It mostly worked because we could take turns and just do what had to be done in order to get some rest. It got harder after Ty went back to work, and like every other new mom in the world, some nights were harder than others, but this is me. Before I got pregnant, 4 or 5 hours of sleep was enough to sustain me through the day. Pregnancy made it harder because I was so fatigued, but after Will was born I didn't feel like I needed as much sleep.

Then all of a sudden, every couple of weeks, I would just hit the wall and be so exhausted I would feel like I needed to sleep for three days straight just to function. What I learned most acutely was that functioning on few hours of sleep is different than waking up every hour for 10 hours. Never entering REM sleep is no joke. It was brutal, but just when I thought I would die from constant sleep deprivation, Will started sleeping pretty well. After that, he had a sleep regression, and today I've resigned myself to the reality that he is not a good sleeper.

I was always so relieved when I got Will to
sleep. I sent pictures like this to Ty at work a
lot because I knew he could appreciate them.

I don't know why Will doesn't nap or sleep well, but I do know that when people talk about newborns sleeping all the time, it doesn't apply to my baby. From the time he was born to the present, Will consistently has taken naps that only last 30-45 minutes at a time. It's our normal, but it's been hard to get used to. People always tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but when your baby only sleeps for short bursts of time, it's really hard to do that. In fact, trying to sleep while Will slept only made me resentful. I would put him down and by the time I had gone to the bathroom, taken a drink, and settled into bed to try to sleep, he would be awake again.

This summer has marked an interesting change in Will's sleep patterns. He'd be doing okay, and then we'd go to a family reunion and his whole schedule would deteriorate. We'd figure it out when we got home, and then we would have to leave again. One time he got an ear infection. Through the last weeks of summer, he was finally sleeping okay at night, but then I went back to school, and his sleep regressed again.

The sleep battle was never fought alone.

Being the only child right now means he gets a lot of cuddles when Ty and I are around. I think that with us both in school again, Will just misses all the connection. When he wakes up at night, he usually just needs a snuggle. Sometimes he wants to nurse, but a lot of the time I just rub his back or rock him and he settles down. Ty and I have even coslept with him a few times because he sleeps so much better with at least one of us next to him to reassure him when he wakes up.

I know it's normal for babies to wake up periodically through the night. I just didn't fully comprehend the scope of the amount of energy that goes into taking care of an infant night and day for weeks and months on end. I've spent hours googling how to help my baby sleep better, and basically what I've learned is that some babies just don't sleep very well, and this hopefully won't last forever. We've tried different sleep training methods. We have a solid bedtime routine. We use white noise and a humidifier. While each of these things has helped to varying degrees, Will just isn't a great sleeper, and neither was I. (I even apologized to my mom for that recently).

I love my sweet baby, and I've spent a lot of time holding him so he gets decent sleep. Ty even bought an amazing rocking chair that I've spent countless hours in as I've soothed and fed and read to and sung to our baby. It's pretty comfy for me to sleep in, so it works pretty well in moments of desperation. I just wish someone had honestly told me that on top of adjusting to being a new mom, there's always a possibility that your wonderful, sweet new baby won't sleep well and no amount of sleep training will help. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in this struggle. I know this stage of sleep deprivation won't last forever, so for now I'll just try to remember that and enjoy the extra snuggles.

Mimi holds him for naps a lot when she's around.
I think it's one of the reasons why Will loves her so much.