My Hair Is A Metaphor

It’s no secret that high school was not my favorite part of being a teenager. I was constantly frustrated with it, and I was also always doing what I could to be different from the people around me. In April of 2012, I went to my Junior Prom in a dress that I had designed and my mom had made. It was one of a kind, and I still love it and think it’s the most beautiful prom dress ever. At the time, I had really long hair, and my aunt Heidi did it in this gorgeous updo. I felt beautiful, but I also felt different. As I looked at my classmates, I felt like I lived on my own planet. I realized that the only thing I had in common with these girls was that we all (mostly) had long hair. I recognize now that that wasn’t necessarily true, but that’s how I felt.

A month after prom, I ran for student body president and lost. I wasn’t expecting to win, but running for office was really my last effort to be really involved in high school and trying to change and influence the culture of South Summit for the better. I had been a cheerleader the whole year, and I had a wonderful experience, but at the end of our year long season, I decided that I wanted to dedicate my time and energies to other things I was involved in. So after losing the election, I decided I needed to do something to get out of my funk. I was not looking forward to my senior year; I wanted to be graduated yesterday, and I knew I needed an attitude adjustment. So I chopped my hair off. It was my way of saying, “I’m different from you, and I want to be. I am me, and I love me.”

I went to one of my dearest friends for the haircut, and she tried her best to talk me out of it. She had the cutest short hair, and she’d been trying to grow her hair out for a long time, and she really didn’t want to cut mine off. After I explained myself to her, she put my hair in a ponytail and cut thirteen inches off. I cannot fully describe that freedom. Feeling the weight literally lift off of my head was exhilarating. I was stoked. I decided I would grow it out from there until after I got married or needed another emotional revolution, but my affair with drastic haircutting was fulfilled for a while (remember, at this time, I thought marriage was at least five years away). The only problem with that plan is that I love having short hair. I let it grow but ended up cutting it off again in December, this time even shorter than it was in May. This time Heidi cut it, and although I loved the haircut, I knew in the back of my head that I wanted to do something more drastic. I wanted a pixie.

I was just a little bit of a chicken about it though. I had never had my hair shorter than it was at that moment, and I wasn’t sure if I would really feel beautiful and feminine if I cut it even more. My mom has had short hair most of my life, and I think she’s gorgeous, but I just wasn’t convinced that I could do it. I was unsure of myself until my friend Madison told me that she was going to cut her hair really short, and she encouraged me to do what I wanted to do. Her opinion lent me the last push I needed. I got a pixie. Heidi was surprised when I showed her the picture, and told her I was sure that was what I wanted. Here’s the coolest part: I felt amazing. I felt free and beautiful and sassy and strong and powerful. It was so empowering to rid myself of not only my hair, but also my last bit of insecurity and social pressure that was keeping me from being who I needed and wanted to be.  After having a pixie, I knew I could do anything.

It seems silly, but everyone knows that there’s a lot of pressure as a woman to be the most beautiful and done up and put together. Right now having long hair is considered the standard of beauty for women’s hair. When I was thinking about cutting my hair, one of my guy friends actually told me that “boys prefer long hair.” That was a defining moment for me as well. I thought, “Well, in that case, I’m going to shave my head. I’m not trying to impress boys.” I wanted to be me regardless of what anyone else thought. I wanted to be able to be attractive because of more than my hair or my clothes or the brand of my shoes. It may seem ridiculous that I rebelled against absurd social expectations by cutting my hair off, but it was one of the best and most liberating decisions of my life.

I loved my short hair, but it took more maintenance than I was used to. That was really the only drawback. As I started to think about it though, I decided that having such short hair on a mission would be kind of a pain. I didn’t want to have to think about getting haircuts every couple weeks, so I determined to grow it out. This time, I stood by my decision, and my hair is growing pretty fast. There are days that I desperately wish that I still had short hair, but for some reason, I keep it growing. I think I want to prove that I can. I can chop my hair off without a tear, but I can also grow it out. I can be whoever I want to be, and I can define myself without letting society and trends dictate who I have to be. It’s a beautiful world.

Ty-Dye (As In Tyler and Tie Dye)

This is the only tie dye picture I could
find, and it was obtained through
Facebook stalking.
(It's allowed when you're married to
the person you're stalking).

Right around the beginning of September (before Tyler and I were dating), I was headed over to hang out at Tyler's apartment with his roommate, Robert. I spent a lot of my time at their apartment, and I was good friends with all of the men who lived there. It was not uncommon for me to spend a higher percentage of my time at their apartment even before Tyler and I were dating. It was relatively late, and I had changed from what my mom used to call "school clothes" into "play clothes." These consisted of a tie-dye t-shirt and soccer shorts. When Rob saw me, he said, "Tie dye, huh? You should ask Tyler Johns about tie dye."

I did and learned that Tyler had done some serious tie dying the summer before his senior year of high school and had then worn a different tie dye shirt (there were five of them) every day of that school year (including Prom). He was tired of deciding what to wear every day, so he simplified his life by having a perfect system. Each shirt had his initials and a day of the week written inside the collar. He had no way of knowing that the next summer, I would decide that tie dye was the coolest thing ever and tie dye various articles of clothing to wear to soccer practice. I was so obsessed with tie dye that I hosted a tie dye party, and my whole family made tie dye shirts together. It was a blast! Our tie dye also made us easy to spot as triathlon spectators and kept us together in Disneyland. I guess it was some sign from the universe that people who tie dye are awesome and should marry each other.

When I learned about Tyler's tie dye experience, my heart melted a little. It was a way for him to be different. He set his own trend. A group of his friends even planned a "Tyler Johns Day" when everyone wore tie dye. People look up to Tyler and respect him. He's kind and considerate, and I swear he can make friends with anyone. He also loves to do secret service. He gets really excited and gets the most wonderful smile on his face. His happiness is infectious as well as his laughter. For some reason, hearing about Tyler’s tie dye made me so happy. When we were engaged, Tyler gave me his Friday tie-dye shirt. It’s one of my favorite articles of clothing. It’s a piece of Tyler from his teenage years that I get to have now. It also gave me a peek into his adolescence.

Friday Ty-Dye shirt!
(and overalls because they're
awesome)

Tie dye may seem like a silly thing to confirm your choice of companion, but that’s what it did for me. My abundance of tie dye clothes has always been a conversation starter, but I had no idea that I would marry someone who was able to use tie dye to open up conversations and make friends. Tyler is incredible. I’ve never known anyone more kind and thoughtful and fun than he is. Everyday I wake up amazed that Heavenly Father put us together. Tyler has so many talents and strengths that I don't possess. It's a wonderful feeling to know that he fills in my gaps and makes me a better person. He loves me so well and so fully.