So Far, So Good

Best Buddies

When Will was born, I wasn't in a rush to get on a schedule. Being a stay at home mom and having only one child meant that I could go with the flow relatively well. Basically, for the last 7 months I've breastfed on demand and put Will down for a nap when he acts tired. It's been on about a 3 hour rotation for a while, but it isn't really very structured. I like having flexibility in our day, and I feel like Will thrives on it even though I know other babies might not. I'm not saying it's the only way to live with a baby, but it works for us.

Over the course of the summer I've felt anxious about his lack of a schedule, knowing that he'll be spending two afternoons a week with his grandmas. Miraculously, over the last few weeks, Will has developed a pretty clear schedule with no help from me. He eats on the hour at multiples of 3. He takes 3 naps a day that fit right in there. It's been a huge blessing and a relief. The only other major thing that concerned me when it came to leaving him was breastfeeding.

After our rough start with breastfeeding, I wasn't sure how long we'd stick with it, but now Will is still going strong, and neither of us are ready to wean. In conjunction with that reality is my love/hate relationship with my breast pump. Although I'm grateful for the convenience of being able to pump when I need to and the fact that it helped my supply issue, I really hate pumping, and the thought of pumping in the car on my commute to UVU makes me want to scream in frustration.

So I decided that I won't do it. Instead, Will's 3:00 afternoon feeding has been replaced with baby food instead of breast milk. We've been doing this for the last few weeks, and to my relief, Will has been doing really well. That makes me happy, and it's actually helped me feel better about leaving him. (Plus, it means no more mid-church meeting breastfeeding sessions. Can I get a ”hallelujah?!”)

I think subconsciously one of my worries is that Will will learn to prefer someone else to me, and selfishly, I want to be Will's favorite. I've really enjoyed having a mama’s boy around who just wants snuggles from me and only me sometimes. I'm just not ready to lose that yet, but today, after all the prayers I've offered and the tears I've cried, it's finally okay with me. If Will is ready to move away from me a little, I can let him. Happily, he still loves to snuggle with me. He's been a little more clingy since I went back to school, but overall, it's been good just like I knew it would. And hey, only 28 more classes until I'm finished!

Separation Anxiety

This is Will's favorite spot.

This summer has been busy and hectic, and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath right before I jump back into school for my final semester. I’ve loved being home with Will all summer. He is so much fun. I love watching him learn and grow. It’s also fun to know that I’m his favorite person. He is a complete Mama’s boy right now which makes sense since I’m with him 99% of his time. He loves to snuggle and talk to me, and he’s gotten to the point where he gets really frustrated if he can’t see me. I love that he’s so snuggly and loves me so much, but it’s been tough to have him be so clingy recently especially since I’m going to be leaving him for a few hours twice a week in order to go to class.

When Ty and I got married, I didn’t think that we’d have kids before I graduated. Then when we knew we were supposed to start having kids, I realized that my timeline was going to be different than I had originally projected (like every other aspect of my life). I’ve been really blessed to be able to finish all but three classes without leaving Will with a babysitter. Now though, I have to take my last 9 credits in person. I’ve been dreading going back to school since Will was born in January.

More than anything else, I have always wanted to be a mom, and now I am. It’s also been a goal for me to get my bachelor’s degree, and I am blessed to be in a situation where I can do both, but it still hurts my heart to know that I’ll be leaving my sweet little boy. I know it isn’t for very long, and I know I’m lucky because I can leave him with his grandmas. I know I’ll never regret finishing college, and I know that 31 afternoons away from my baby (yes, I counted) isn’t going to kill him or destroy our bond. I know that this is a better time to finish my degree than trying to go back to school in a few years when I have more children, but that doesn’t change the fact that I would rather not leave him at all.

Even though I know that it’s normal for Will to be getting clingy and having some separation anxiety at this stage in his life, I think my own separation anxiety might be worse than Will’s. I worry about leaving Will a lot. I know logically that it will be okay, but that doesn’t soothe me. So I’ve decided to let myself feel what I need to feel. Leaving Will is going to be hard for me, and that’s okay. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. I can do anything for four months, and I know I’ll be better for it when this is all over. Now pass me the tissues.