William's Birth

William Clark Johns
7 lbs 10 oz 20 inches

On Thursday night (January 21) I got home from a church activity feeling pretty tired. Ty and I went to bed at about 10:30, and at 11:45 I woke up thinking I probably needed to pee. It only took me a few seconds to realize that I actually was having my first “real” contraction. (I'd had Braxton Hicks, but nothing very significant or intense).

Anyway, I went back to sleep because I didn't want to pay attention too soon or get myself excited if I was going to be in labor for a long time. Then I woke up again 10 minutes later. This went on for about an hour. At that point I woke up thinking I had peed a little. (Unfortunately that was a serious possibility. I had been losing bladder control little by little a day at a time). I got to the bathroom though and experienced a gush of fluid that I knew was amniotic fluid. I decided to shower and go back to sleep since it was 1 am and our strategy was to ignore labor as long as we could.

I decided not to wake Ty up since I wanted us both to be well rested for what was ahead, but when I got out of the shower, he was awake. He tried to go back to sleep but ended up rubbing my back and supporting me through the contractions which were about 6 minutes apart. I did text my midwife just to check in, and I texted my mom since she was going to attend the birth as well. Ty and I stayed in bed as long as we could, but by 6:30 I was feeling a little restless. We moved into the living room, and I kept laboring.

My mom got to our apartment at 7:30, and her presence was greatly appreciated. Ty was able to sleep for a few hours while my mom and I went on a walk and she helped me relax and breathe through contractions. Things seemed to be picking up, and I talked to my midwife. She recommended that I labor at home as long as possible which was our plan anyway, but since my water had broken, she decided that we needed to check in at The Birth Center at 1pm, 12 hours after my water broke.

When we got to The Birth Center, I was dilated to a 3. Katelin, the attending midwife, swept my membranes (some of them were still intact), and I was then at a 4. Because of the risk of infection when water has broken, we needed to get labor moving a little more. While Katelin was getting some herbs and homeopathics ready for that, I threw up my lunch. I was frustrated because I knew I needed the energy from the food to sustain me through labor. Also, I was shaking like crazy because of the hormones, and that was frustrating to me as well.

Anyway, Katelin brought me some castor oil in a smoothie which I drank and then threw up a few minutes later. Luckily I didn't throw up the homeopathics, and I kept laboring. I spent a little while in the shower, letting the water pound on my back which brought some relief, but I could feel myself fading a little bit at a time. It was around 3:30, and I was exhausted. This was a hard time for me. I had tried so hard to be prepared for the rigors of labor, and I had to face the fact that I was not really prepared. Even with the healthy perspective I had tried to maintain, I was wholly unprepared. At this point, I knew I had to surrender to the process. My prayers shifted as I asked God to guide my body and keep the baby healthy and safe.

After the stress in the shower, I tried to rest in the bed, and I got a little cat nap, but lying down was so uncomfortable that I felt like I had to get up. I ended up sitting backwards on the toilet for a while with my mom behind me rubbing my back and shoulders and Ty next to me holding my hand and talking me through the contractions. After a little while, I had lines on my legs from sitting on the toilet, and I felt really strongly that I wanted to be in the tub. I got into the tub just before 5, and the relief was amazing. The contractions were getting more intense, but the water made me feel lighter and rejuvenated.

Ty put his swimsuit on and sat on the edge of the tub behind me supporting my back and shoulders while my mom knelt outside of the tub and provided counter pressure on my knees. It worked for a little while, but when I started to feel the urge to push, I knew I needed to shift. I ended up on my knees with Ty holding my hands and talking me through everything while my mom, Katlin, and the birth assistant, Adrianna, were more at my hips and side. I pushed for a while, and even though everyone was offering encouragement and support, I hardly heard it. I was locked into my body, and aside from that I was really only aware of Ty as he held onto me and talked to me softly.

At one point, Katelin asked me if I wanted to feel the baby's head. Reaching down and feeling his wet, fuzzy head was miraculous. I felt emotional and relieved that I was making progress. After that, I focused in even more, knowing my baby was almost ready to come out and meet Ty and me. I pushed somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. I kept trying to picture our baby boy. As he was being born, Ty mentioned that he might move, so he could see the baby better when he was born, but I clung to him and asked him to stay right with me. I'm so glad he did. There is no way I could have given birth without him.

We had arranged beforehand for my mom to catch the baby, so she was waiting, and because of my positioning, the first thing she saw was his little face. When she saw him, she said, “He looks just like Ty!” I took a deep breath and he was all the way born a few moments later.

As he was placed on my chest, I couldn't help crying tears of joy and amazement and relief and every other emotion that comes with the miracle of a baby's birth. Will was so quiet. He was breathing just fine, but he didn't cry. He whimpered a little and opened his eyes right away. He was so alert and everyone commented on his amazing coloring. I was just overwhelmed and overjoyed. Ty and I just kept admiring him. I was so wrapped up in William that I didn't realize I had hemorrhaged about 1100 cubic centimeters. We moved from the tub to the bed to wait for the placenta.

The bed in the birth suite was nice and big, so Ty was able to be next to me in bed the 

whole time the birth staff was managing my hemorrhage and the placenta was being born. I was so happy to keep my baby with me instead if having him be whisked away from me. I got an IV to replenish my fluids, and Ty and I enjoyed little William (whose name was not yet decided).

We ate a snack and talked about names for a little while. I had been given some drugs for the hemorrhage, and my body did not love them. I threw up again, but luckily I was able to eat right after that. My mom was able to get us some dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant, and that settled my stomach a lot. Meanwhile, we decided that our baby would be named William Clark after Ty's Grandpa Bill, my Grandad (George William), and my dad, Clark. We think his name fits him perfectly. We had a hard time nursing at first, but we're figuring it out day by day, and he's a champ now! He only lost 3% of his body weight in two days and is gaining well now.

Even though I had lost a lot of blood, I felt really good. I was confident walking by myself and even showered without assistance. We got home around 12:30 and tried to catch up on some of the missed sleep from the long day of laboring. Giving birth is one of the most powerful and empowering experiences I've ever had. After giving birth, I know I can do anything. I'm still in awe of this tiny human in my arms. He's so beautiful and perfect, and we can't wait to keep discovering his personality  Ty and I feel so blessed and grateful that things went so well and that our eternal family is expanding.

Our birth team (minus my mom)

Taking William home

"The Perfect Birth"

I've commented before on how being pregnant is both deeply personal and widely communal, and one of the things that had entailed for me is hearing various views on what birth should be like. Growing up, I had quite a bit of exposure to conversations about childbirth, babies, breastfeeding, epidurals, pregnancy, and everything else related to motherhood. If my mom wasn't pregnant or nursing, chances were good that at least one of my aunts was, and I learned a lot by listening to their conversations. One of the things I learned was that “the perfect birth” was different for each mother's experience as well as for each baby that was born.

So upon becoming pregnant, I had to figure out what “the perfect birth” was going to look like for me. I put that phrase in quotation marks because I also learned that more often than not, things don't really go according to plan. Nevertheless, I wanted to do some research and figure out what was going to work best for us with the birth of this baby. My mom has been an amazing resource with her knowledge as both a mother and a doula, and I've been so grateful for her wisdom. But I also knew that there were a lot of things Tyler and I needed to decide for our family independent of all the wisdom of the people around us.

The first step for me was evaluating how I really feel about childbirth and my body. Thanks in part to my parents’ examples, I realized that I wanted to give birth without medication because I truly believe that birth is a natural process my body was designed to be a part of. Once I knew that that was truly how I felt, I started looking into all the different methods of natural childbirth and the different ways it is accomplished. After more research and pondering, I decided that what I really wanted was to have a water birth. I was drawn to the way a baby is able to move from the familiar amniotic fluid to the water before taking his first breath. Overall, a water birth just felt right, so all I needed to do after that was find a place and caregiver to deliver my baby in a tub.

Ultimately, that led us to The Birth Center. I did a lot of research to decide what kind of environment I wanted to give birth in, and after a tour and meeting the midwives at The Birth Center, I knew it was the right place for us for this birth. I've been so grateful for the education I've received as a client, and I trust the caregivers explicitly which was one of the most important things for me in choosing a provider and venue for our baby's debut. The midwives and birth center have truly blessed my life through my pregnancy, and I'm grateful to have been led to them through my research and prayer.

Now, I'm here: sitting on my couch, reflecting on my process of deciding what I want this birth to look like, playing the waiting game. I still feel grateful for the examples in my life and for the opportunity to make choices about the birth of our baby instead of having them made for me. I know I've been infinitely blessed to have a low risk pregnancy and a healthy baby. Those blessings are things I do not take for granted. I express gratitude daily for those gifts.

As with everything else, Tyler's support has been unending and essential. He has constantly helped me with everything I need. I know I'm lucky to have such an incredible life partner, and I'm looking forward to watching him be a dad. We took a Bradley Method class to help us prepare for labor, and when I registered, I was worried that Ty would suffer through it, but he ended up learning a lot and being a fabulous support and coach (so far anyway). His support has been a strength to me. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, he offers his love and perspective, and it never fails to make me feel better.

I know everyone has a different perspective on birth, and I think that's wonderful. I know that unmedicated childbirth in a tub sounds like a nightmare to some women, and that’s okay. Things probably won't go exactly how I plan anyway. I'm just so glad to be living in a time and place where I get to make proactive choices about my baby's and my birth experience and that I have Tyler by my side.

The Calm Before the Storm

Today feels like the calm before the storm. We've rarely had such a low key day. This morning around 11:30 we went and got our car key copied, I went to the store for groceries, and we got our washing machine fixed. This afternoon, I've been reading while Tyler intermittently does homework and naps. It seems crazy that with all the changes (and probable chaos) in our near future, we've spent the day mostly in our living room relaxing.

I'm not begrudging the much needed break from craziness, especially since we have been super busy leading up to Tyler's sister's wedding. It just seems surreal to be sitting in our quiet apartment, knowing that any day now our little boy could join us. Every time he kicks or moves I feel a little awed. Every life is so miraculous.

I don't think there's any way to really be prepared for all the emotions of the home stretch of pregnancy. The anticipation is almost crippling. I honestly don't know how much longer I can wait to hold and love on this baby. I feel ready for the intensity of labor in part because I know it's necessary in order for me to meet this little one I already adore, and I know that labor and delivery means not being pregnant anymore. As wonderful as pregnancy truly has been, I'm amazed by the brilliance of the timing of the whole gestational process. As of today, 40 weeks seems like the perfect amount of time to be pregnant before labor and delivery.

Our life is on the precipice of a giant shift. I know our life will never be the same, but I also know that I can't really even fathom how different things will be. I'm not convinced that you can ever be 100% prepared for the way having a baby will change your life. I don't think I ever will be. But I do feel like I have done my part to get ready for this baby to join our family, and I'm so excited for the changes coming our way. The contradiction of the situation hardly seems to matter. I wouldn't wish for things to be any different.

The Longest Weeks

I’ve always heard that the last few weeks of pregnancy are the longest, and that seems to be true. Although I’m trying to maintain a healthy perspective, the days of anticipation are dragging by one at a time. I have been grateful to not be in school though. It’s been so nice to be able to take it easy and not worry about class and homework. I’ve also been able to get more much-needed sleep. The sleep deprivation of the third trimester is no joke. We’ve also had a shift though because while I’m at home without a job or class to go to, Tyler has gone back to school and now he has to navigate his full time job and a master’s degree.

For the most part, I have really enjoyed being pregnant. It’s been miraculous to feel life grow within my body, and I have been fortunate to not have complications or even be too sick. Even considering all of that and my attempt at a good perspective, this last week has been the longest of my life. I’m so ready to be able to snuggle and love on this baby I already feel so close to and bonded with. I’m also looking forward to sleeping on my stomach again regardless of the length of the increments.

I’m just tired of waiting. I know there’s a natural time frame for the gestational process, but I’m ready for it to be over. Logically, I understand that my baby is safe in my womb. He’s comfortable and growing better there than he would in my arms. I also know that most women go past their due dates when they have their first baby, so logically I know that my baby could reasonably and safely come as late as February 6 even though my due date is January 23. Today I’m 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant. So even though the baby could come as late as the beginning of February, I know that he could also come anytime now.

Again I find myself learning patience. I know I’m going to be getting a lot of that through my experiences as a mom, and I now just have an early start on that. I get to keep playing the waiting game while I wait for this baby to make his grand entrance into the world. In the meantime, I’ll read books for fun, get more and more excited for the baby’s birth, and try not to drive myself crazy while I wait.

Reflections on 2015

When Ty and I were celebrating our second wedding anniversary, we were reflecting on our last year together. It’s been a wild year. The obvious highlight was getting pregnant and preparing for our family to grow. It’s been so wonderful and humbling, and the upcoming arrival of our baby has definitely been a focus, but we’ve also been busy with other hard things and some fun adventures.

Ty and I both earned degrees; Ty finished his bachelor’s, and I got my associate’s. Both of us being in school was challenging, but it was rewarding too. We saw each other less than we would have liked, but we consistently learned that we could do more than we thought we could. Following graduation, Ty got a “big kid” job working for Goldman Sachs. His job has been such a blessing since he started working there in June. He has already learned so much and is enjoying the opportunities facing him.

Our year was full of travels which is something I’ve always enjoyed. In May we went out to Maryland to visit Ty’s brother and his family. We had so much fun in Washington DC, Amish country in Pennsylvania, Baltimore, and other fun places on the East Coast. It was so fun to spend time with family while on vacation.

A few weeks later we made it to Oceanside, California with my parents and siblings. Ty learned to surf, but I laid low since I had just discovered that I was pregnant. Instead of surfing, I lounged on the beach and read books for fun which made for a change from my pattern during school. I love the beach and had so much fun being on vacation with my siblings again.

At the end of July, Ty left for training in New York, and I followed a few days later. The fun that we had in New York is something I will always treasure. Even though we didn’t stay together, we were able to do some incredible things. There’s something so special about being a couple, a unit, and trying new things together. We spent time in an exciting city before our family of two becomes a family of three, and I am grateful for that.

Leaving Ty in New York was more emotional than I even thought it would be. We spent a month apart, and it was the most difficult part of the year. Ty has been amazing through my pregnancy. From rubbing my feet to making me food to encouraging me to nap when I need it, he has been a rock, and I would not have had such a smooth pregnancy without him. Being apart was difficult. Luckily, Hailey had moved to Orem. She was so good about checking in with me and helping me. Even though it was exhausting and challenging to live alone, I learned that I am more capable than I thought and my Savior will always help me if I only ask.

That seemed to be the lesson of the year. I decided to take eighteen credits for the fall semester, fifteen of which came from English classes. I learned so much, but it was pretty overwhelming. There were days when I didn’t accomplish anything because I had no idea how or where to start. In those times I felt so much support and love from my Savior, and I ended up doing well in school and enjoying the semester more than I even thought I would.

My reflections on this year have left me feeling grateful and humbled. I’m so grateful for the experiences we’ve had, and I’m so excited for all that 2016 has in store.

A review in photos: