I Am Not A Failure

I just looked at the balance on my financial account for the Fall 2014 semester at UVU. Please excuse me while I cry and console myself with chocolate chip cheeseball and cream cheese frosting for the next month. The whiney part of me is just so annoyed. Why does it cost so much money to go to college? Everyone seems to agree that education is a necessity and that it is important, so why is it something that is virtually unattainable for so many people?

My perspective on this issue comes from a relatively spoiled standpoint, but I am also coming from a unique perspective that I have found to be quite rare. I entered college with a scholarship based on the fact that I was the English Sterling Scholar for my high school my senior year. That meant that my tuition was covered for a year at UVU, so I just had to pay fees, books, housing, and other living expenses. I received a pell grant that covered all of those expenses. I had some money saved from working in high school, and that became my safety net and play money. What I didn’t count on was the fact that I was woefully unprepared for college and the prospect of love and marriage.

Obviously, falling in love with Tyler and getting married was not on my radar. That ended up being a small part of the adjustments I would make in my life though. I’ve always identified myself as an intelligent person. I did really well in high school. I graduated at the top of my class even though they don’t recognize valedictorians at South Summit, and I got good grades. Looking back I realize that I sailed through my classes. I don’t remember ever really doing homework except for for my AP English classes, and I loved those assignments so much that they were fun for me. When I got to college, I learned that I couldn’t just breeze through my classes. I realized that I had never really learned how to study. It’s painful and humiliating to admit it, but I doubted my intelligence and decided that I was not cut out for a college education.

After the Fall semester ended and I returned from my honeymoon, I got an email saying that I had lost my scholarship. I read the email while driving to our wedding reception, and I cried. A lot. I was utterly defeated. I felt so stupid and useless. I was worried about our finances and embarrassed that we would have to pay my tuition instead of putting $2500 into our savings account. I was even more aggravated that I had just missed keeping my GPA up by .09 points. I went through hypothetical situations in my head incessantly, wishing that I had worked harder or done more. I didn’t tell anyone about my humiliation. Tyler was a trooper. He didn’t judge or criticize me. He told me we were going to be fine, and we were, but it’s still painful to acknowledge my failure.

This has been a real trial in my life. It hasn't just been hard because I have to pay for my own school. It's also been hard because I have defined myself by my grades in the past, and I have considered myself to be a smart person. I didn't realize until after I lost my scholarship that I had been basing some of my value as person, potential spouse, and daughter on that financial award. I have been brought very low through this experience, and I have been humbled by it. To me, this trial and struggle has been very real, and it has taken it's toll on my heart and my head. Before this post is published and everyone has a chance to read about one of the most difficult things I've ever coped with, there are less than ten people that know about this experience.

After I finally told my parents that I had lost my scholarship, and thereby part of my identity, my dad sent me the link to a scholarship appeal form. I didn’t even look at it. I couldn’t. I just told my parents that I obviously was not worthy of a scholarship and didn’t deserve it. I know they were exasperated by my response, but they didn’t push me excessively, and I’m grateful for that. I just wrote an essay for a scholarship appeal. I lost my scholarship almost eight months ago, and I am finally putting myself out there again. I’m working on forgiving myself, but I’m not quite there yet. As I write these words, I am still full of frustration with myself and my failure, but I am not going to let that define me.

I am not a revoked scholarship. I am, however, a girl that was unprepared for college. I am a girl that is receiving help from the government to pay for school while working a part time job. I am a girl that pulled her GPA up by .20 points after losing her scholarship. I am a girl full of potential. I am a girl that wants to receive an education and earn a degree. I am a girl that is embarrassed by her failure and is trying her best to do better. And I am a girl that is not going to be defeated anymore.