Still an Individual

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about individuality. I’ve always been someone who resists being defined by others. I like to be my own person, and I try really hard not to let others’ choices and perceptions of me dictate who I am or how I live. But things shift when you get married and subsequently have a baby. In both instances, it’s easy to allow yourself to be absorbed by your spouse and/or child. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of the example of someone I love and admire. He is such a kind and thoughtful man, but he has consistently allowed himself to be absorbed by his wife. Instead of cultivating his own individuality, he has been consumed by her needs and desires. His devotion to his wife was beautiful, but when she died, I have never seen anyone more lost. It seemed like he had no concept of himself without her. Marriage involves “becoming one” with your partner which is something that personally brings me great joy. I know it is important to be unified, and I would feel like I had lost half of myself if I lost Ty, but I would still have myself, and I see tremendous value in that.

Sometimes, I find bits of myself slipping away as I get older. It’s great when I find myself letting go of selfishness and insecurity, but sometimes I find myself reminding myself that in conjunction with being a wife and mother and sister and daughter, I am still an individual. I love to read and take baths in silence. I enjoy writing to process my thoughts and feelings more deeply. I am passionate and can be loud. These are some of the things that make me who I am, and I don’t have to watch them disappear because it’s hard to make time to be a separate individual and they aren’t interests and characteristics that Ty and I share. While our similarities are what have allowed us to build a strong foundation together, our differences enrich our relationship. Over the course of the last three years, I feel like Ty and I have done a good job of maintaining our individuality while be married, but then Will was born, and as it’s supposed to, everything shifted.

The reality of parenthood is that there is far less time for yourself which is great as it helps you be more aware of the needs of others, but it’s also easy to ignore yourself and your needs. Nothing brings me more joy than being a mother, but there is also nothing that makes it easier to neglect myself. A friend of mine recently posted a picture that read something like, “Self care is not selfish.” I feel so strongly about this. Of course it’s important to prioritize your children’s needs, but it ultimately hurts your whole family if you don’t also address your own needs. I genuinely need alone time in order to maintain my mental health, and it is hard to come by as a parent. Luckily, Ty is amazing, and he is aware of my individual needs and does everything in his power to help me be the best person, spouse, and mother that I can be, but it’s something that takes almost daily effort and mindfulness.

Sometimes as a stay at home mom, I feel like I occupy a separate dimension. This is especially true in the winter. Sometimes I go days without leaving our apartment. It’s such an ordeal to get Will adequately bundled to go out in the snow, and I don’t like being cold, so we end up reading all the same books and singing all the same songs and playing with all the same toys everyday. It gets monotonous, and I don’t think it makes me a bad mom to admit that. I’ve been blessed to make some good friends since we moved to Cottonwood Heights who are in the same stage of life that I am, and that has helped me far more than I even imagined it could. I’ve always been kind of a loner, but I have never realized how much I truly need the friendship of like-minded women in my life. It has honestly made me a better person and by extension a better mom. I’m so grateful for friends and family members and especially a husband who understand my daily life and consistently help me to be better. It’s a beautiful gift.

I’m glad that I am married to a man I share so much with. I love being a mom to a child who consumes so much of my heart and mind. Being part of my family and friend groups lifts my soul and brings me joy. But I am still an individual, and I’m supposed to be.

Comfort from Conference

When Sister Wixom started her talk during the Women's Session of General Conference by talking about the miracle of birth, I was reminded again that there always seems to be something just for me in the messages from the leaders of the church. Obviously childbirth is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately, and Sister Wixom's words about our divine nature from birth really struck me. How marvelous to be able to know that I have a Father in Heaven who knows me personally and knows my unborn child in the same powerful and individual way. I'm just barely embarking on the journey of parenthood, but I'm constantly amazed by the new impressions I'm blessed with every day.

I still remember each of my siblings (with the exception of Hailey) being brought home from the hospital. It was always such a special time in our house when there was a new baby. Not only did it give my dolls a break, but there is a special piece of heaven each baby brings with them. It’s something that points back to the divinity of God. Thinking about the divinity within each person has had me thinking a lot about the divinity of my unborn child and the responsibility I have as a parent to teach my child (and subsequent children) about the light within each of us that comes from being a child of a Heavenly Father.

Such a heavy task completely overwhelms me sometimes. I look at the amazing parents all around me in the forms of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends, and I am amazed by all they have accomplished in their roles as parents. Some days I am overwhelmed by the task of being a parent. Other days I feel empowered. After listening to the Women’s Session of General Conference, I felt empowered. That’s one of the reasons that I am looking forward to this weekend. I’m hoping to gain more wisdom and understanding about my role as a mother.

April Conference calmed many of my anxieties about parenthood as it occurred right when Tyler and I had decided to follow the prompting to start our family. It seemed like so many of the talks revolved around the importance of marriage and having a family. Even though the prospect of being responsible for this special spirit is daunting, I found myself comforted by the words of apostles as I so often am. In the past few months, when I find myself overwhelmed and anxious, I have found peace in many conference talks from April. Here are a few quotes that have brought me comfort in the process of preparing to be a mother.

“God ordained that men and women should marry and give birth to children, thereby creating, in partnership with God, the physical bodies that are key to the test of mortality and essential to eternal glory with Him. He also ordained that parents should establish families and rear their children in light and truth, leading them to a hope in Christ.” -D. Todd Christofferson

“The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth has never been rescinded. It is essential to the plan of redemption and is the source of human happiness. Through the righteous exercise of this power, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fulness of joy, even godhood. The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness.” -Boyd K Packer

“We also believe that strong traditional families are not only the basic units of a stable society, a stable economy, and a stable culture of values—but that they are also the basic units of eternity and of the kingdom and government of God.” -L. Tom Perry

“A legal and lawful marriage sealed in the temple and in which the sealing covenants are honored gives parents and their children the opportunity for the best experience of love and preparation for a fruitful life. It offers them the ideal environment in which they can live their covenants made with God.” -Joseph W. Sitati

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2015/04?lang=eng

Happy Fall Y'all

I love fall. I love feeling the crispness in the air and seeing the leaves change colors, and eating soup for dinner and cuddling up. It’s such a fleeting time of year, and I’m amazed that it is already October. I know I always say this, but time is moving too fast! Tyler and I have been married for nine months already. I still feel like we just barely met. (In many people’s minds, we did). With General Conference coming up, I’m feeling a lot of excitement. Watching General Conference with my parents and siblings is probably my favorite “holiday.” For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved it.

Last year after General Conference

I used to look forward to General Conference just because it meant wearing pajamas on a Sunday. Hooray! That’s still a benefit, but it’s come to mean so much more to me. To me, conference means family. It’s a time when we are all home. We are all (mostly) focused. We sing songs and discuss the gospel, and we eat amazing food. I feel so connected to them when we watch General Conference together. Last year, I invited Tyler to watch with my family. My mom joked that it must be serious if I was willing to bring him to General Conference. Tyler and I actually went on a walk at my grandparents’ house, and he told me that he wanted to marry me. It just adds to the specialness of the weekend for me.

Bean bag beards are all the rage

It’s not just the family bonding that I love about General Conference. I also love that it’s a time that I get to listen to God’s prophets here on Earth. As usual, I have questions that I will be pondering as I listen. I know that I will feel the Spirit and be inspired. I always am. It’s been a kind of erratic little while for church attendance lately due to the Ogden Temple dedication and an area conference we had. We usually teach the four year olds, and it is such an amazing experience. Some weeks, I feel like I’m lucky if they all are still in one piece when they go back to their parents, and other weeks I feel like I have the best calling in the world because they are the sweetest little kids. As of this week, we will have only taught one lesson in four weeks. It’s been a little bit of a nice break. I love teaching them, but sometimes I miss the adult conversation from Relief Society, and I’m a lot more worn out after primary than any other church meeting I’ve ever been to. I’ve already grown so much since I became a primary teacher. I’m so excited to keep learning with these cute kiddos!

This week has been an interesting one to lead up to General Conference for several reasons. For one, I got sick on Friday, so I’m not at the top of my game physically. I was dreading this week of school knowing that I wasn’t feeling very well, and I’ve been super tired and not sleeping super well. I miraculously wrote a paper on Saturday, and I was feeling like I would survive this week one day at a time. Then blessings abounded. I have had the lightest week of homework since the semester started. I feel so humbled and so blessed. It’s truly a tender mercy to know that I don’t have to stress about loads of homework on top of feeling kind of crummy and preparing for General Conference. Call it what you want; I call it a blessing. Happy Fall Y’all.