When I'm Not My Best (As I Haven't Been Lately)

I’ve been battling with myself quite a bit since July. Being somewhat of a perfectionist, I try to be aware of my own personal development as much as I can, and I have not been happy with how I’ve been doing. I found out I was pregnant on July 9th, and I was so excited. I was already pretty sure because even before the positive test, I had felt some fatigue and nausea that reminded me of my pregnancy with Will. About a week after I took the test, I went down. Hard. I threw up so much and had no energy. I would spend most of my day lying on the couch watching Will play or leaning over the toilet trying to reassure my hysterical toddler that his mom was okay. This lasted for two and half months, and it was some of the longest days and weeks of my life.

There were many pajama days

I had the occasional good day, and weekends were better because Ty was home to take care of Will and me, but overall, I was a mess. Amid the vomiting and sleeping, I also learned that I had a placental bleed which is not usually dangerous, but it is something that needs to be monitored, and I needed to be extra careful to take it easy. It wasn’t hard to take it easy since I felt like I could barely walk most of the time, but it was a new sensation to be worried about my baby all the time. My pregnancy with Will was textbook, and on top of that I hardly ever felt nauseous and only threw up a handful of times. Even though I was working and in school for my whole pregnancy with Will, I was usually still able to take a nap if I desperately needed one or to go to bed at 7 to make sure I was getting enough rest. I’ve realized that it’s just harder to take care of yourself while also taking care of a toddler. In the midst of all the temporal chaos, spiritual feasting completely fell by the wayside, and forget any kind of intimacy in my marriage. Days would go by before I would realize that I hadn’t even had a conversation with Tyler beyond telling him how horrible I felt in days.

Making dinner sitting down because I couldn't stand

When I hit 12 weeks, I was sure I would start to feel better. I didn’t. I was still vomiting and still constantly exhausted. My poor toddler was a disaster. He’s a social boy, and not leaving the house for days at a time shut him down. He went home with my mom after she got off of work a couple of times, and he was so happy to be going somewhere and playing with people who could be more engaged. Sometimes I could muster the energy to drive to Pleasant Grove to my parents’ house and lie in the recliner all day while my parents and siblings took care of Will. I knew logically that my body needed rest, but I felt so guilty for the way some of Will’s needs (especially socially) were not being met (specifically by me) because I physically could not do anything to help and support him.

I cried to Tyler that I wasn’t being a good person, and I was an even worse mom. He reassured me that I was doing everything I could, and that it was okay to take care of this baby and myself. Several friends and siblings shared hope with me when I couldn’t see any. I started to feel resentful that being pregnant was making me a bad mom to my child that I already had. I was doing a good thing, and it felt like I was being punished for it. Finally, at 17 weeks, I started to feel like a person again, and the negativity that had clouded my heart and mind for nearly three months started to lift.

My mom's famous recliner for the invalid,
emotionally sick, pregnant, or otherwise ailing

I know that I can’t fully comprehend the reality of living with a chronic illness, but I feel like I have a better ability to empathize with that trial after this experience. Just in the last week, I have finally been able to wake up earlier and read and study my scriptures and conference talks. Tyler and I have had meaningful conversations, and Will and I have made it to the park and on walks and to the store and to football games without me feeling like a dementor was sucking the life out of me. I’m grateful that I’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope it keeps shining. I feel the baby move every day now, and even when I start to feel sick again, that reassures me.

As I think back over the last three months, I know that I wasn’t a horrible mom. I know that I wasn’t my best, but I did spend a lot of time lying on the couch, but with that came many snuggles with my sweet son and lots of reading time with his favorite books. Even though I couldn’t see my spiritual growth, I was sustained in my calling. I was able to play the piano at church each week and be prepared for our primary program even though I didn’t have the capacity to practice. There were miracles all around me that I am just now seeing, and I am so grateful to have open eyes.

I know that I can be better, but I also know that my effort wasn’t ever wasted. And even my desire to be a better mom was noticed by the Savior, and through the power of the atonement, I was able to nurture and help my son enough. I also know that even though there are other trials that are much harder than mine, that does not minimize my own experience and the challenges I have faced in the last few months. I am so grateful for my life and especially for my health, which I have previously taken for granted over and over again. I have a beautiful life, and I am so excited to have another little human joining our family in March. I know I will be supported and lifted in that endeavor just as I have through this trial.

Finally venturing outside, and look at Will's joy (and my exhaustion)

Joy In All Its Glory

Then...

Whenever Ty and I go to a wedding and sign a book or write a card, our inscription usually includes this quote: “Joy in all its glory can only be obtained through unselfishness.” The quote originated with Ben Behunin, a potter, writer, and family friend, and it really resonates with me. It’s how Tyler and I have tried to structure our marriage and family. The truth is that Ty is naturally unselfish. I think it’s part of the reason why adjusting to marriage was pretty seamless for us. It’s easy to learn to live with someone who is always considerate of your thoughts and actions.

I was reminded of Ty’s selfless behavior on my birthday yesterday. He surprised me in the morning with the announcement that he wasn’t going to work and that I needed to get ready quickly because we had somewhere to be at 11, and we needed to drop Will off. It’s a big sacrifice for Ty to take work off right now. He has tons of meetings everyday for a big event coming up, and one of the guys on his team has been out of the office for three months recovering from back surgery. I was touched that he had decided to take a vacation day since I had specifically told him not to worry about it and that we could celebrate another day.

It turns out that our appointment at 11 was for a couples massage. This was another testament to Ty’s selflessness. I’ve always wanted to have a professional massage, but Ty had no desire. He really likes his bubble, and aside from me and (most of the time) Will, he doesn’t like to be touched very much. But he knew how much I would love a couples massage, so he booked one. It was amazing, and he enjoyed it even though he was a little apprehensive at first. After spending some time in a sauna following our massage, Ty took me to lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. We share a love a Brazilian food, but we don’t eat it very often due to availability and expense.

After lunch, we went shopping which was really nice to do without Will. As much as we love our little man, shopping is pretty hard with him in tow. I got some shoes and shirts, and Ty found some slacks for work and a nice sweater. I mostly just enjoyed being together. We don’t see each other very much during the week, and Saturdays are filled with homework and family events. Time to talk and enjoy being with Ty was the best gift I could have possibly received, and I’m so grateful that Sherrie (Ty’s mom) was able to watch Will. I didn’t worry about him at all. I just enjoyed the day.

We ended my birthday with a trip to the theater. I know it sounds silly, but not seeing movies in the theater has been one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for us. Ty and I both love movies, and before Will was born, we went to the theater often. We usually took advantage of $5  Tuesdays, but now, Will goes to bed at 8, and he’s at a horrible age for the theater. Finding a babysitter just isn’t worth it to see movies. We enjoy Netflix and Redbox on our projector, but we miss the theater. We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and we both loved it. Harry Potter and all things wizarding will always be dear to my heart.

And now.

We were going to get dinner after the movie, but we were still full from lunch, and we’d reached our limit of Will-free time. He’d been at his Grandma and Grandpa’s house for eight hours, and we missed him a lot. He was so excited to see us. He’s at such a fun stage. He is so chatty and busy all the time, and he’s super affectionate. It melts my heart to see him run up to Ty everyday when he gets home from work. I love my boys so much. My life is so much richer and more fun because of them. I didn’t take any pictures the whole day. My phone is broken, and I really just soaked up every minute without even considering taking a picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it-- it was a wonderful day.

Confrontation and Me

I've been thinking about confrontation lately. It's been on my mind mostly because I often hear people say, "I'm really non confrontational" like it's the worst personality trait. Then I hear other people say "I really shouldn't be so confrontational." So which is better? Why do we perceive that both confrontation and the lack of confrontation are negative things? It's frustrating, and I decided to share a little bit of my story of learning to love myself.

I’ve always seen myself as a mixture of a peacemaker and a confrontational debater. Even though it may seem like that’s not necessary a bad thing, it was a really difficult part of my personality to navigate. Where for some people, this combination would be positive, it just showed me that I could be passive-aggressive. This is best illustrated in my life from ages 12-14. During those years, I stewed endlessly about the things that really bothered me in order to salvage relationships, but then I would end up exploding about something that didn’t even really matter to me. It may be cheesy to say, but I read The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, and it helped me a lot.

People who didn’t know me during my explosive years or still don’t know me well might be surprised by the fact that I am a red/white combination, but as I read the book, I realized that there were aspects of my personality that needed some help. Instead of bottling up my frustration, I tried to communicate it effectively by confronting the real issues, not the unimportant things. It was a painful process of trying to figure out who I really was and how I could communicate with people in a way that was positive and clear. This was most often the case in interactions with my parents. It wasn’t until after I embraced the confrontational side of me that our relationship was able to mend and progress.

It’s too bad that confrontation has such a negative connotation because all it literally means is to face something. When we confront fear, it’s a great thing, but then the word skews and changes to be negative when it’s transferred to social interaction. That’s fine, but I’m saying that it was vital for me to accept and embrace that part of me even though confrontation perceived as negative in most circumstances. But I also had to accept that there is a part of me that wants to be a peacemaker and keep people happy. It’s still a balance everyday. I try to actively think about what I’m saying, but I fail a lot. I hurt people’s feelings. I communicate in confusing ways. And I sometimes cause problems. But I’m still doing my best to figure that all out.

Marrying Tyler introduced a new dimension to my struggle with confrontation and peacemaking. Tyler is most definitely non confrontational. (According to the color code he’s a white/yellow personality). He has a magnetic personality, and he’s constantly acting as the peacemaker in every aspect of our lives: family, friends, primary etc. The amazing thing about this part of Tyler is that instead of these opposite aspects of our personalities causing friction and contention, it strengthens us as a unit. Because we cover both ends of the spectrum, for the most part, we are able to balance our communication. I won’t let big issues rest and simmer, and he makes it so that we don’t end up wasting energy on something unimportant.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that Tyler and I make a good team because we’re different. Maybe another time I’ll write about our similarities because that’s a longer list, but today I want to point out that our differences in communication make us stronger in our relationship. Together we’re becoming a fuller spectrum of color and variety. I’ve mentioned before that Tyler is a lot more fun than I am, and I stand by that. We bring different things to our relationship, and I don’t ever want to live in a world where we can’t strengthen each other and become better together.