Snuggles with Will

Snuggling during a movie

The last two months have been kind of rough on the mom front. Will has been clingy and more needy than usual, and I have been more uncomfortable and less patient than usual. Will was going through this awesome phase where he wouldn’t let anyone except for me help him with anything which was less than fantastic since I have a lot of willing helpers in my life who Will would not accept any help from. I’m sure his little self can sense the big changes on the horizon. We talk about baby brother all the time, and he loves to check on him at the Birth Center and feel him move. It’s just been kind of a struggle, and it’s definitely been a long couple of months, but the last two weeks, my sweet, helpful, happy toddler has reappeared!

Will is normally a very active kid. He naturally skips when he’s walking because he’s just a bouncy little person. He loves to give hugs and kisses on his own terms, but he’s not much of a snuggler anymore. He just has too many things to do. The last couple of weeks though, he has asked me on an almost daily basis for “Mama snuggles.” It melts my heart. It doesn’t usually last more than a minute or two, but it has melted my heart every time. He is such a sweetheart, and I love that he wants to connect with me physically. It’s really made me realize that I am going to miss these days of having my attention focused on one little person rather than divided.

I’ve been so busy being tired of being pregnant and excited to meet this next little man that I haven’t taken much time to grieve the changes that are inevitably coming into my world on the Will front. I know that so much joy awaits us, but it also breaks my heart a little bit, and I know that that’s okay. I want to enjoy and soak up this time with Will without wishing it away as much as I really am tired of being pregnant. I have an amazing toddler here already, and I want to love on him as much as possible for as long as he’ll let me.

Yesterday morning, Will woke up at 6 am which is not his norm. He usually goes down at 8 and wakes up between 8:30 and 10 the next morning, so when I went into his room, he was still groggy. He reached up and said, “Rock with Mama? Snuggle? Sing songs?” I started to cry as I tried to find a way for us to snuggle around my rather large belly and rocked him and sang songs with him for 20 minutes or so before he went back to sleep. It was a moment that I really got to cherish despite the fact that I was exhausted and my body is sore thanks to the whole nine-months-pregnant thing.

I don’t want to miss any opportunities for the precious one-on-one time I have left with Will. He’s such a sweet kid, and as excited as I am to see him with his baby brother, I’m going to miss our little love bubble with just the two of us. So if you need me over the next week or so (or until our baby decides to come), I’ll be snuggling my first born.

Reflection and Update

As this year comes to a close, I find myself feeling reflective along with the rest of the world. I also thought I'd post a little update since we didn't send out Christmas cards.

2017 was a good year and a challenging one. Ty is still enjoying his work, and he has learned a lot through his job as well as at the University of Utah as he keeps pursuing his master's degree in information systems. He still loves reading and fly fishing and playing whatever game Will invented that day. He's Will's favorite person most of the time, and they have become best buddies over the course of this year as Will's personality keeps emerging and he becomes more communicative and interactive.

Will is a well rounded kid with an obsession with balls and a deep love for babies. He’s as bouncy as ever and wants to be playing outside no matter what the weather (which is a challenge for his fair weather mother). We spend time at the library and pool weekly mostly because Will constantly craves social interaction. In that same vein, he LOVES nursery and asks me everyday if it's “nursery day.” True to his name, William is a strong willed child who always knows what he wants and how things should be done. (I have no idea where that comes from ;) ). He brings Ty and me immeasurable joy and laughter as well as some frustration and worry.

Most of my year has revolved around mothering Will and my pregnancy with our second son (due mid-March). I have been constantly stretched as I try to figure out how to be a good mom and fulfill the other roles in my life. After a rough first trimester summer, I've felt much better through the fall and winter, and I've felt a renewed sense of gratitude for my health and my body. I'm so grateful to be in this phase of life even though it's been challenging.

Baby is growing and developing well. We talk about him constantly, and Will says he's excited to be a big brother. We know his world is going to be rocked, but we're capitalizing on the enthusiasm as long as it lasts. :) Ty and I are having a hard time agreeing on a name for this baby, so the list is getting longer rather than shorter as the due date draws closer and we try to find the perfect name for this little nugget. I'm 29 weeks along now, and we're getting really excited for little brother to get here. He moves a lot when he hears Will or if Will sits on him (which happens at least once a day), and he moves when Ty pokes him too. He's not as bouncy as Will was in utero, so we'll see if that translates to personality when he gets here.

As we've been teaching Will more about our Savior and the gospel, we've been reminded of the basic truths and principles of the gospel, and our testimonies have been strengthened. We're so grateful for all we've been blessed with and learned this year and look forward to more lessons and challenges and tender mercies in 2018.

Birth Quotes That Empower

My quotes
They are readable in person.

When I consider my experience giving birth to Will, the word that always comes to mind is empowerment. In the moments (and now over a year) after Will’s birth, I truly felt like I could accomplish anything. A huge piece of this empowerment goes to my incredible birth team who helped me have the experience that I wanted to have. I cannot credit The Birth Center enough. Their team is amazing, and their facility is pristine. I also credit The Bradley Method which is a class that offers so much information and teaches so many tools for navigating labor and delivery. I highly recommend it to anyone who is having a baby. But at the end of the day, I am the one who birthed my son (with the help of my Savior, as with everything).

I chose to have Will at The Birth Center without pain medication. I know that isn’t everyone’s choice, and I think it’s wonderful that I live in a place where I have so many options surrounding birth because that is not every woman’s experience. Whatever your plan or hopes are for your birth experience, here is a universal truth: birth is all consuming. It invades your body, mind, and spirit. One of the ways I prepared my mind for Will’s birth was with birth quotes that I collected and kept on my phone, but this time around I decided to have some of my favorite quotes occupy a physical space in my home, and I thought I would share them here for anyone who is interested.

Just a note, there are so many fantastic quotes about birth; these are just a few of my favorites. I strongly believe in the power of language, specifically inspiring, positive language, so that is what these quotes convey for me along with a beautiful sense of empowerment. They're not in any kind of order here.

“No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“Birth can empower you for the rest of your life. Welcome it, and let birth transform you.” -Ursula Sabia Sukink

“It is said that women in labor leave their bodies. They travel to the stars to collect the souls of their babies and return to this world together.” -Unknown

“A woman in birth is at once her most powerful and her most vulnerable. But any woman who has birthed unhindered understands that we are stronger than we know.” -Marci Macari

“Labor will hurt. Probably a lot. But whether this is negative is another matter. A laboring woman can be in a great deal of pain, yet feel loved and supported and exhilarated by the creative forces flowing through her body and her ability to meet labor’s challenges.” -Henci Goer

“The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you because it is you.” -Unknown

“Just as a woman’s heart knows how and when to pump her lungs to inhale and her hand to pull back from the fire, so she knows when and how to give birth.” -Virginia Di Orio

“I thought faith would be an epidural, taking away the pain and discomfort. But faith is more like a midwife-- a nurturing partner who leans into the discomfort with you and whispers, ‘Push and breathe, it’s supposed to hurt.’” -Brene Brown

“Although birth is only one day in the life of a woman, it has an imprint on her for the rest of her life.” -Justine Caines

“Birth is not neat and fast: it’s gritty and primal. But it’s nothing to fear. Unless you also think we ought to fear women crying when they are sad or laughing when they are happy.” -Mayim Bialik

“Empowerment, strength, individuality, passion, and joy are words that should be associated with birth for both mother and baby. It’s a journey to look forward to, not to fear. The process of leaving the womb and slipping into mama’s arms in one of life’s most magical, intense, and powerful transitions, and it should be given the respect and elation it deserves.” -Jill Diana Chasse

“There is a power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it; it simply invades them, accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it.” -Sheryl Feldman

“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers-- strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.” -Barbara Katz Rothman

“Imagine what might happen if women emerged from their labor beds with a renewed sense of the strength and power of their bodies and of their capacity for ecstasy through giving birth.” -Chistiane Northrup

“Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful...words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be- but cannot get without assistance.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth as well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.” -Ina May Gaskin

“Birth isn’t something we suffer, but something we actively do and exult in.” -Sheila Kitzinger

“We have a secret in our culture. It’s not that birth is painful-- it’s that women are strong.” -Laura Stavoe Harm

Birth Team minus my mom
(She took this picture).

Joy In All Its Glory

Then...

Whenever Ty and I go to a wedding and sign a book or write a card, our inscription usually includes this quote: “Joy in all its glory can only be obtained through unselfishness.” The quote originated with Ben Behunin, a potter, writer, and family friend, and it really resonates with me. It’s how Tyler and I have tried to structure our marriage and family. The truth is that Ty is naturally unselfish. I think it’s part of the reason why adjusting to marriage was pretty seamless for us. It’s easy to learn to live with someone who is always considerate of your thoughts and actions.

I was reminded of Ty’s selfless behavior on my birthday yesterday. He surprised me in the morning with the announcement that he wasn’t going to work and that I needed to get ready quickly because we had somewhere to be at 11, and we needed to drop Will off. It’s a big sacrifice for Ty to take work off right now. He has tons of meetings everyday for a big event coming up, and one of the guys on his team has been out of the office for three months recovering from back surgery. I was touched that he had decided to take a vacation day since I had specifically told him not to worry about it and that we could celebrate another day.

It turns out that our appointment at 11 was for a couples massage. This was another testament to Ty’s selflessness. I’ve always wanted to have a professional massage, but Ty had no desire. He really likes his bubble, and aside from me and (most of the time) Will, he doesn’t like to be touched very much. But he knew how much I would love a couples massage, so he booked one. It was amazing, and he enjoyed it even though he was a little apprehensive at first. After spending some time in a sauna following our massage, Ty took me to lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. We share a love a Brazilian food, but we don’t eat it very often due to availability and expense.

After lunch, we went shopping which was really nice to do without Will. As much as we love our little man, shopping is pretty hard with him in tow. I got some shoes and shirts, and Ty found some slacks for work and a nice sweater. I mostly just enjoyed being together. We don’t see each other very much during the week, and Saturdays are filled with homework and family events. Time to talk and enjoy being with Ty was the best gift I could have possibly received, and I’m so grateful that Sherrie (Ty’s mom) was able to watch Will. I didn’t worry about him at all. I just enjoyed the day.

We ended my birthday with a trip to the theater. I know it sounds silly, but not seeing movies in the theater has been one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for us. Ty and I both love movies, and before Will was born, we went to the theater often. We usually took advantage of $5  Tuesdays, but now, Will goes to bed at 8, and he’s at a horrible age for the theater. Finding a babysitter just isn’t worth it to see movies. We enjoy Netflix and Redbox on our projector, but we miss the theater. We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and we both loved it. Harry Potter and all things wizarding will always be dear to my heart.

And now.

We were going to get dinner after the movie, but we were still full from lunch, and we’d reached our limit of Will-free time. He’d been at his Grandma and Grandpa’s house for eight hours, and we missed him a lot. He was so excited to see us. He’s at such a fun stage. He is so chatty and busy all the time, and he’s super affectionate. It melts my heart to see him run up to Ty everyday when he gets home from work. I love my boys so much. My life is so much richer and more fun because of them. I didn’t take any pictures the whole day. My phone is broken, and I really just soaked up every minute without even considering taking a picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it-- it was a wonderful day.

11 Items of Gratefulness

After my frustration and general negativity in my last post, I decided to post about some things I’m really grateful for right now. The pressures and frustrations are still pressing on my mind, but I'm not letting the negativity win today. There are some things I’m pretty much always thankful for: Tyler, our apartment, a bus pass, the gospel of Jesus Christ, family etc., but here’s a list of some random extra things.

• Buttercup, the Motorcycle
• I love that Tyler has a motorcycle. We have so much fun riding together, and it makes him so happy. It’s truly been a blessing in our life.
• The amazing ladies I work with
• Seriously, my coworkers are incredible women. Working at UVU in the Transfer Credit department has been a life saver. There is something so wonderful about having a community of women to help me and for me to rely on.

• My new job
• I used to hate how repetitive my job was. I loved the hours and location, but doing data entry for four hours every day is mind-numbing to say the least. My new job is a lot more varied and engaging.

Meet "Molcajete." A rock filled with chicken, steak, and shrimp
in a sauce made of deliciousness and served with rice,  beans,
tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, avocados, and topped with a giant pepper.

• Delicious food
• Tyler and I found an amazing restaurant in Orem called Maria Bonita last August, and it has become our favorite. When we go out to eat (which isn’t very often), we go there. We can eat for $20 or less, and the atmosphere is fun too.
• Amazon
• This may be silly, but I was able to order an Easter gift for Tyler on Monday, and I got it today with Prime shipping which I have for free as a student. It’s so nice to be able to shop online.

• Sunshine
• I love that the sun has been shining more lately. It boosts my mood in such a big way.
• Uncle Scotty’s Truck
• Tyler and I finally bought a bed on Friday. (We’ve been sleeping on a mattress for eight months). I had looked around before, and we knew what we wanted, but we didn’t feel like a bed was at the top of our list of needs since it’s expensive. Anyway, we found one at the DownEast outlet in Orem for an amazing deal, and my uncle Scotty took time out of his day to come and help us move it into our house. It was so kind of him, and we are so grateful.

• Awesome sequined shoes
• I happened to be at my parents’ house when my grandma brought boxes and boxes of my Grandma Great’s shoes over. I happened upon a pair of multi-colored sequined shoes. They made me miss Great so much, but since then, I’ve been able to wear them when I miss her or need some extra glitz in my life, and I’m convinced that they’re magic. (I think Tyler will wear them to his next job interview ;) ).
• Three-year-olds
• I’m convinced that life is better when three-year-olds are in it. I’m so grateful for our sunbeam class. Every week I hear a chorus of “I-love-yous,” and it melts my heart.
• Babies
• I love babies. A couple of weeks ago I got to spend two hours holding our upstairs neighbors’ baby. It’s so miraculous to hold a baby and see a little glimpse of heaven.
• FINISHED GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATIONS
• Tyler finished his application while I wrote this post. All I can say is HALLELUJAH!

Cloudy With a Chance of Frustrated

After writing my last post, I thought I'd be writing a week later with the amazing news that Tyler had gotten an incredible job that would put an end to all my financial insecurities. He didn't. I'm still trying to process it. I know his resume is impressive, and people really like him. He's eager to learn, and he has loads of initiative. In my view, he's the perfect candidate for any job. I know I'm biased, but I've also talked to the people who have worked with him. They know how capable he is too. 

It's baffling too because the last time he interviewed for jobs, he got three offers. I know the "it's for the best" mantra, but it doesn't make circumstances any less frustrating. I recognize that we've been blessed, but I also don't really appreciate getting what I perceive to be bad news. I don't like watching Tyler feel small and inadequate. I guess this is when I should have any epiphany about how Heavenly Father watches us struggle, and it's just as difficult for him. But I can't even think about that. Instead my heart just hurts for the opportunity that would have paid for Tyler's graduate school and provided us with insurance, another step to being more self-reliant. 

We really thought this new job was an answer to our prayers. We thought it would open doors and lend experience. Instead, a door has been shut, and we aren't sure what's next. Honestly, Tyler loves his current job. He's learning so much every day, and it's a blessing to work close to our house, especially while he finishes up at UVU. I'm just not sure it pays well enough to support us through grad school even when his income is paired with mine. 

My frustration with this dead end is only exacerbated by my new job. It's hard to watch Tyler struggle with knowing what to do next when I know what's next for me. I got the new job at UVU and a three dollar per hour raise with it. It's a blessing for us, and I'm grateful. But if I could choose, I would take rejection and give Tyler the job he applied for. I guess that's why I'm not in charge, and I'm here again, trying to figure out how to be happy in my current place in life when I'm frustrated. I know I will be happy. The light is already brighter today than it was yesterday, and for that, I am grateful.