Rosemary's Birth

Rosemary Johns
7 lbs 3 oz 
20 1/2 inches
November 21, 2022

Early in my pregnancy, I had the impression that my baby was going to be born later than my due date. This was interesting because my other three babies all came within 7 hours of my due date. I was grateful for the impression and was able to adjust my mindset so that I wasn't depressed or upset when this baby didn't come on her due date. Starting at about 37 weeks, I started having contractions. They were stronger than Braxton Hicks, but they weren't labor-like at all. I could talk, eat, and sometimes even sleep through them. I knew it was my body's way of getting ready to birth, so they really didn't bother me much.

The kids were thrilled that a practice labor 
meant they could swim in the birth tub.

On Saturday the 19th, I started having stronger contractions, and they were every five minutes. After about an hour of this, I called my mom and the midwife, and they headed to my house. The contractions were strong and consistent for four hours, and then they stopped altogether. When the midwife left, I was dilated to a 3, 50% effaced. I was so discouraged. I had never experienced practice labor before even though it's super common in subsequent pregnancies. It was a game of mental gymnastics to think that I was going to meet my baby and then to go to bed with no contractions happening and no baby. It also undermined my confidence a bit. I wondered how I could be so out of touch with my body and this baby. I was concerned that maybe I wouldn't recognize actual labor when it started in earnest. 

Sunday, I was completely exhausted. Ty took the kids to church, insisting that I stay home and rest. I spent the morning sobbing off and on. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. After my meltdown though, I felt pretty good. My family came up and brought dinner, and we played some games. I had a few contractions, but they were super sporadic and not strong. When my family left, my mom offered to stay, and I told her to go home, insisting that nothing was happening, and she might as well sleep in her own bed. I promised to call her if I needed her and to check in in the morning. 

About 20 minutes after my parents left, I lost my mucus plug. I had never noticed when that happened before, so it was interesting to me, but I also know that losing your mucus plug doesn't necessarily mean much. Labor could still be days away, and I hadn't had any contractions in hours. 

Ty and I went to bed around 10, and once I was in bed, I started having contractions every 15 minutes or so. They were strong enough that I couldn't sleep, but it felt just like the practice labor from the night before. Around 11:15, I got in the bath hoping that that would stop the contractions so that I could get a good night of sleep. The contractions slowed down in the tub but didn't go away. I got out just before midnight and prayed fervently that if I was in labor, I would know for sure and that if I wasn't, the contractions would mellow out enough that I'd be able to sleep. 

At 12:01, just after I finished my prayer, I had a contraction that literally drove me to my knees. I had another one five minutes later, and then another one. They were so intense. I called my mom and explained what was happening. I told her I was pretty sure that it was labor but that I wasn't totally confident. I asked her to pray with me on the phone. She started to pray and as she asked that things would be clear, I was hit with a huge surge, requiring me to breathe and vocalize through it. My mom told me she was on her way. I asked her to call my sister, Hailey, and I called the midwife. 

I was still having a solid 5 minutes between contractions, so I got the hose hooked up to fill the birth tub and went in to wake up Ty. I told him I was in labor, and he said, "Okay, just a minute." I went back into the living room (my labor space) and sunk to my knees as I worked with the contractions. The midwife, Eve, arrived sooner than I anticipated, and I was in the midst of a contraction. She came and knelt next to me, rubbing my back and providing counter pressure and reassuring words while she listened to the baby's heart rate. She was also able to place my IV, a precaution to give me IV pitocin to stave off a hemorrhage due to my history of blood loss. We labored together that way for several minutes. It was a beautiful experience. Eve has cared for me at The Birth Center for over 7 years, through all 4 pregnancies, births, a miscarriage, a transfer from home to hospital, trauma, postpartum, and more, but this was the first time I've ever really gotten to labor with her. It felt like a gift to have her there.  During that time, the birth assistant, Kate, arrived and started filling the tub and setting out equipment, and I started to wonder where Ty was. 

Between contractions I went to use the bathroom and found Ty still in bed with no recollection of me trying to wake him. I found him at exactly the wrong point in his sleep cycle. Poor guy. He got up and was totally disoriented, especially because when he came into the living room, Eve, Kate, and my mom were all there ready to go, and things were so intense for me, I was ready to get in the tub. Historically, Tyler and I have had some time to labor together before we got to that point. I got into the tub, and at about 1:30 am, Hailey arrived. I had a few more contractions, and we tried to decide if we should wake up Will who we planned to have at the birth at his request. I felt like the baby was still kind of high, and I didn't want to wake him too soon and have him up too long. 

I asked for a cervical check just to gauge how close we were. Cervical checks aren't routinely done by my midwives, and it was the first time I had ever asked for one or even had one in the throes of labor (with the exception of Simon's birth which was in a hospital). I was at a 9, and in Eve's words, my cervix was "melting away." I had one more contraction and asked Hailey to go get Will. The two of them snuggled up on the couch. We had had a lot of conversations about labor and birth so that he would know what to expect. He was a little nervous when he heard the sounds I was making, but he was quickly reassured. 

A few minutes after he got settled, I decided to push. I had felt like I could push at any time, but I wanted to really maximize my energy, so I was able to be patient up to that point. I pushed, and felt the baby move down, immediate and apparent progress. I pushed a second time, and I heard Eve say, "You are so good at this," and felt my water break. Immediately after, I felt her head. My favorite part of labor is when I can feel the baby's head with my hands before they are born. It's this beautiful in-between moment when baby is still cozy in my body, but I know I get to meet them soon. Every time it gives me the boost I need to do the hard work of pushing. This time it triggered a sort of exhilarated laugh/sob. Her head was born into my hands. I stood up, Ty physically holding me up, my mom's hands underneath mine, Eve there, guiding and supporting, and she was born. I sank back down into the tub. It was 1:57 am, less than two hours of active labor.

Eve started the pitocin right away, and my mom helped Will come around the tub to see the baby. She was pink immediately and had the best APGARs of all my babies. Will was really concerned about her crying and just wanted her to feel better. I rested in the tub for a bit, and Ty and I toasted the birth with homemade apple cider. We marveled at this perfect little human, obviously the tiniest of our babies and settled on Rosemary for her name, Rosie for short. I was about ready to get out of the tub when she decided she wanted to nurse, so I ended up staying in longer. Will carefully dumped the warm water over Rosie's body to keep her comfortably warm. I had super minimal bleeding which was a huge relief. My membranes took a little longer to come, but Eve was patient and right there with me, and they came fully intact. It was such a relief on the heels of the major issues I experienced after Bea's birth. 

We moved into my room, and I had a nice snuggle in bed with Will and Rosie and Ty. It was such a precious moment. Will was so in love with her. My mom and Hailey made us breakfast sandwiches. I didn't have any tearing, and I felt great. I was able to get up and use the bathroom. We had the infant exam bedside. Will helped Eve every step of the way, and I was grateful all over again for a birth team that truly serves my whole family. We all guessed Rosie's weight, and I guessed exactly right, 7 lbs 3 oz, 20.5 inches. Will got her footprints stamped on his forearms, and he was so proud of his "baby sister tattoo." Eve identified a lip tie and tongue tie, and we decided to see how breastfeeding went before we would decide what to do about those. 

Ty took Will to bed around 4 am despite his insistence that he wasn't tired and could stay up all night to take care of Rosie. Ty convinced him that he needed some rest to take care of her the best that he could. Ty and I settled into bed shortly after that, but I had a hard time falling asleep, and Rosie really just wanted me to hold her, not to be set down. I went back into the living room and was able to debrief and chat with Eve, Kate, and my mom for a little while before Eve and Kate went home to their own families and my mom went to sleep downstairs. 

I had about a half an hour with just Rosie and me as we rocked in the rocking chair, knowing her older siblings would wake up anytime. She is so sweet and so little. I was able to just bask in the gratitude of her safe arrival. When I first heard Will and Simon wake up, I was so excited. I heard Will telling Simon all about the baby. They came running out. Simon and Bea were so excited to meet their baby sister, and Will proudly told them about her birth and showed off his tattoos which Simon and Bea were very jealous of. (Luckily, they got their own baby stamps the next morning at our home visit). Eve came back Monday night and performed a frenectomy to correct Rosie's lip and tongue ties. Then she came back on Tuesday morning to help release her tongue a little more after a rough night of nursing struggles. This was my first experience with any ties, and it has definitely made breastfeeding more difficult and more painful, but it really does feel like a small struggle in the face of all that was beautiful and good and miraculous and healing about this birth. We're so happy to have our sweet baby Rosie earthside.

Processing Simon's Birth

I'm still trying to process Simon's birth emotionally. It was so far from what I wanted it to be and how I thought it would go that I'm having trouble reconciling feelings of hurt and anger that hit me at unpredictable times. For the most part, I love having a baby. I enjoy the snuggles and the sweet Spirit that accompanies them. I like breastfeeding and rocking them. I like that when they're sad, a lot of times just holding them is all they need. I appreciate that as the mom, I'm usually their favorite human. But this newborn phase has been different in that I'm dealing with pent up feelings surrounding Simon's birth.

Lately I just keep thinking of things that I should have said to the doctors and nurses to advocate for myself and have a birth that at least resembled the birth I wanted to have. Then I'm filled with anger and despair because based on my experience, I'm not convinced anyone would have listened anyway. And I feel defensive and think about how it's really unfair and unrealistic for me to have to be advocating for myself when I was trying to birth a baby which is such an all-consuming process.

Mostly I'm upset that I didn't get to spend the first few hours of Simon's life skin-to-skin with him, soaking up the snuggles. And a secondary frustration is that I don't have any pictures of when I first met him. Our plan was that my sister, Hailey, was going to take pictures of Simon's birth, but when we ended up going to the hospital, she stayed at our apartment with Will until my mother-in-law could get there. There were plenty of people just standing around in the birth room, but none of them took a picture of Ty and I with our brand new baby. My mom, the only person who did take a picture, was anxiously engaged in the birth and couldn't get a picture for a few minutes.

I oscillate between overwhelming anger and profound sadness that leaves me in tears at random and inconvenient times. Thinking about the way my baby was whisked away before we could really enjoy physical connection and bonding makes my heart ache. And the fact that when he was brought back from being suctioned and evaluated, he was wrapped up and no longer available for skin-to-skin makes me angry. I did spend more time doing skin-to-skin later, but it wasn't the same as it would have been right away. I know that from past experience, and I feel robbed. It brings up the constant feeling I had throughout my hospital stay of being disregarded in my wishes and intuition as a mother which was a complete 180 from my experiences with The Birth Center, feeling constantly supported and validated as a human being and mother.

"Love at first sight. I've been looking through birth photos today,
and I just had to share this beauty from when #babywilliamclark
 was only minutes old. I can hardly believe that my heart can open
up to another baby as much as it did for Will, but I know it will.
I already love this new baby so much, and I can't wait to
 have another moment like this."

I came across this Instagram post the other day. Often when I'm nursing Simon, Will climbs into my lap, and we look through pictures from when he was a baby or through past Instagram posts. This post was so full of hope for Simon's birth. Of course it resulted in tears from me and questions from my toddler. Things didn't go the way I hoped.

It's hard to communicate all this when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't mean to minimize the miracles of Simon's birth- there were many. I'm not taking his health for granted. I'm disappointed that his birth and first day of life weren't as peaceful and empowering and beautiful as they could have been, and I know that from experience. I'm grateful once again for the wisdom and understanding of my midwives, one of which said, “Just because having a healthy baby is the most important thing doesn't mean it's the only important thing.” That wisdom has really helped me to have the permission I needed to feel such a wide range of emotions without comparing myself to others or minimizing my experience.

Eve, the midwife who stayed with us through Simon's birth, has been so helpful as I've processed my experience and grieved the loss of the birth I hoped for as well as the loss of the precious first few hours of Simon's life. I'm also grateful for an understanding mom who not only understands and loves me, but also loves and understands birth. I really appreciate friends and family who have let me talk through my experience without judgement as well. I love Simon. I'm so grateful that he arrived safely. I'm glad I have such a strong support system and outstanding postpartum care. I'm going to continue having to process and reconcile experiences with Simon's birth, but I'm grateful to not be doing it alone.

William Clark: Year 2

William is two! I can’t even believe it. The passage of time seems so crazy when I look at Will. It’s hard to really remember our life without him because it seems like he’s been part of us forever, but I also remember giving birth to him like it was yesterday. I know it’s cliche to feel that way about my little boy, but I do. There are so many aspects of his personality that have existed since he was in the womb. I first felt him move at 13 weeks (which is super early), and I felt him move constantly after that. I used to tell Ty that our baby was a gymnast because he was so active all the time. Now I watch him move, and it’s like he has an invisible pogo stick with him constantly. He is bouncy in all his movement and brings us endless laughter and joy.

There have been some rough stages this year, but it has also brought some incredible development. Will is a chatterbox. He talks nonstop, and he’s pretty easy to understand. Strangers often ask me how old he is and remark on his language skills. He also has continued to develop his very strong will. He has clear ideas about what he wants and how things should be done. It’s cute until it isn’t. ;) He is still a social butterfly and wants to be interacting with people all the time. We have to leave the house every day, or he is cranky.

Luckily for me, Will is still a snuggle bug. He wants “loves” before and after bed and naps and often asks to snuggle at random times throughout the day. He’s affectionate with people he knows well, but he loves to tease by not giving hugs when his aunts and uncles ask for them. He also still loves to read books, and we spend a lot of time reading the same books over and over for about a week before he moves on to new ones. He especially loves anything that has to do with animals, dinosaurs in particular.

Balls are still his favorite toys, and he’s developed a deep love for basketball this winter as we’ve trekked to Molly’s games. He can usually be found with his baby doll named Sarah under one arm and his ball in the other hand. It’s the perfect picture of who he is. He is wild and gentle, active and affectionate, kind and stubborn. I’ve been a little surprised by how rich his personality is at such a young age and how developed his preferences are. He will often tell me exactly where he wants to go and who he wants to play with, and he almost always has an opinion about what clothes to wear.

Swimming is still one of his favorite things, so that’s what we did to celebrate his birthday. We actually had his party a couple of weeks ago when his only first cousins were in town. We had pizza and ice cream and went swimming. He was thrilled with the combination. He got a tricycle that he’s ridden almost constantly since then. He also discovered how to play hide-and-seek the day after his party, and that has quickly become his favorite game to play. He loves to find his own hiding spots, and his silence while hiding is uncanny.

He talks about baby brother and his heartbeat a lot, and he likes to kiss and pet my belly to “be soft.” He loves to “help Mama,” and I’m hoping that that is a positive thing when the baby arrives. One of his favorite things to do is make cookies or dinner, and he is a true Bayles and wants to eat all the cookie dough (and the cookies). He also loves church and gets so excited when he realizes that it’s “nursery day.” He’s become the mascot of our Relief Society since I’m on the activities committee, and he usually has to come with me to planning meetings and to set up and sometimes to activities if Ty is working late. I think he has more friends than anyone I’ve ever known which is a gift that I don’t have and really admire in him.

I’m still honored and humbled by the opportunity I have to be Will’s mom on a daily basis. I hope he always wants to help me and knows how loved he is.

Here's a link to well over 200 photos of Will from the last year. It's been a wonderful adventure so far!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/Qp3lYIJICFkyVJr42

And here is a shorter version in video form:

Birth Quotes That Empower

My quotes
They are readable in person.

When I consider my experience giving birth to Will, the word that always comes to mind is empowerment. In the moments (and now over a year) after Will’s birth, I truly felt like I could accomplish anything. A huge piece of this empowerment goes to my incredible birth team who helped me have the experience that I wanted to have. I cannot credit The Birth Center enough. Their team is amazing, and their facility is pristine. I also credit The Bradley Method which is a class that offers so much information and teaches so many tools for navigating labor and delivery. I highly recommend it to anyone who is having a baby. But at the end of the day, I am the one who birthed my son (with the help of my Savior, as with everything).

I chose to have Will at The Birth Center without pain medication. I know that isn’t everyone’s choice, and I think it’s wonderful that I live in a place where I have so many options surrounding birth because that is not every woman’s experience. Whatever your plan or hopes are for your birth experience, here is a universal truth: birth is all consuming. It invades your body, mind, and spirit. One of the ways I prepared my mind for Will’s birth was with birth quotes that I collected and kept on my phone, but this time around I decided to have some of my favorite quotes occupy a physical space in my home, and I thought I would share them here for anyone who is interested.

Just a note, there are so many fantastic quotes about birth; these are just a few of my favorites. I strongly believe in the power of language, specifically inspiring, positive language, so that is what these quotes convey for me along with a beautiful sense of empowerment. They're not in any kind of order here.

“No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“Birth can empower you for the rest of your life. Welcome it, and let birth transform you.” -Ursula Sabia Sukink

“It is said that women in labor leave their bodies. They travel to the stars to collect the souls of their babies and return to this world together.” -Unknown

“A woman in birth is at once her most powerful and her most vulnerable. But any woman who has birthed unhindered understands that we are stronger than we know.” -Marci Macari

“Labor will hurt. Probably a lot. But whether this is negative is another matter. A laboring woman can be in a great deal of pain, yet feel loved and supported and exhilarated by the creative forces flowing through her body and her ability to meet labor’s challenges.” -Henci Goer

“The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you because it is you.” -Unknown

“Just as a woman’s heart knows how and when to pump her lungs to inhale and her hand to pull back from the fire, so she knows when and how to give birth.” -Virginia Di Orio

“I thought faith would be an epidural, taking away the pain and discomfort. But faith is more like a midwife-- a nurturing partner who leans into the discomfort with you and whispers, ‘Push and breathe, it’s supposed to hurt.’” -Brene Brown

“Although birth is only one day in the life of a woman, it has an imprint on her for the rest of her life.” -Justine Caines

“Birth is not neat and fast: it’s gritty and primal. But it’s nothing to fear. Unless you also think we ought to fear women crying when they are sad or laughing when they are happy.” -Mayim Bialik

“Empowerment, strength, individuality, passion, and joy are words that should be associated with birth for both mother and baby. It’s a journey to look forward to, not to fear. The process of leaving the womb and slipping into mama’s arms in one of life’s most magical, intense, and powerful transitions, and it should be given the respect and elation it deserves.” -Jill Diana Chasse

“There is a power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it; it simply invades them, accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it.” -Sheryl Feldman

“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers-- strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.” -Barbara Katz Rothman

“Imagine what might happen if women emerged from their labor beds with a renewed sense of the strength and power of their bodies and of their capacity for ecstasy through giving birth.” -Chistiane Northrup

“Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful...words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be- but cannot get without assistance.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth as well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.” -Ina May Gaskin

“Birth isn’t something we suffer, but something we actively do and exult in.” -Sheila Kitzinger

“We have a secret in our culture. It’s not that birth is painful-- it’s that women are strong.” -Laura Stavoe Harm

Birth Team minus my mom
(She took this picture).

Missing Bug

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by how much I miss Hailey. Yesterday, out of nowhere, I found myself in tears wishing I could just call her and talk to her. I’m so glad she’s on a mission, and I genuinely love emailing with her and hearing about all the experiences she’s having, but there’s something about not being able to call her and chat that is just hard sometimes. Luckily, Mother’s Day is coming which means we can skype, and I’m so excited to have a real conversation with her.

Hailey is my best friend. Even through the years when we weren’t very nice to each other, we had each other’s backs. She could always make me laugh and show me a new perspective when I was struggling, and I was one of the only people who could get away with telling her when she was being just a touch overdramatic. My appreciation for Hailey really grew when we were in high school together. We are so different, but we were involved in pretty much all the same things and spent more time together than we had since we were toddlers. I really came to appreciate her honesty and her black and white worldview even though I didn’t always agree with her.

Our differences are the most enriching part of our relationship. People who don’t know us super well notice that we’re very different, but they often misplace our differences. I still remember people telling me that I was a people pleaser and that Hailey was blunt and didn’t care about people’s reactions. I laughed out loud. Just because my energy is more still and my resting volume is lower, does not mean that I am a people pleaser. Hailey has always been far more concerned about people pleasing than I have. She is intuitively more empathetic than I am. She forgives with more ease than I do. She is better at making friends and including people in her life. She is one of the most service-oriented people I have ever known. She has so many gifts that I have tried to emulate more in recent years. Sure, she’s also loud and blunt and argumentative and thinks she’s always right, but all of these things complete the picture of my sister and best friend. (But she can’t always be right because I’m always right). ;)

When Hailey decided to come to UVU, I was thrilled. I was so excited just to be living in the same city again. Knowing that I could call her and see her within ten minutes was such a gift. She moved to Orem when I was five months pregnant with Will and Ty was in New York for a job training. She stopped by my apartment to check in on me; we met up on campus; she dragged me into social situations. If she hadn’t been in Orem, I probably would have spent the whole month watching Netflix in my bedroom. Then after Will was born, she continued to serve me. She would come over and just take him on a walk, so I could sleep for a little bit. She would talk to me when I felt like I was going crazy from all the one way conversations I was having with my newborn. She drove Will and me to Riley’s soccer games and the grocery store since I didn’t have a car most days.

I provided my washer and dryer, food, and a sounding board when she came over or we got together, but I know that I was blessed more by her than she was by me. It was sad for me when she moved home and then to California for the summer. I missed her a lot, but I could still call her between her work and adventures to connect when I needed her sunshine, and she called me when she needed me to lift her up. I miss that. I miss the day to day text messages and being able to share hugs and silence together when that’s what was needed.

Now, I send emails and letters and the occasional package, but it's different. I love sharing her mission with her this way, but I also miss the day to day, physical interaction. I watch Will smile and laugh when he sees pictures of grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles, and there is no recognition when he sees Hailey's picture even though she held him more than Ty did some days. I know this will pass. She'll be home in less than a year, and I know she and Will will be best friends again, but I'm allowed to miss her in the meantime. And today, I really miss her.

In Awe

Sometimes I find myself in awe of motherhood all over again. When Will was first born, I found myself constantly taken aback by the miracle of life and babies. There was something just so sacred about seeing such tiny features on a perfect little body. I just didn’t anticipate that after a year, he would still take my breath away in unexpected ways. This morning, I was nursing him, and he looked up at me and smiled between swallows. There’s so much about being a parent that is overwhelming, but nothing is more overwhelming than the love I feel for Will.

For some reason, I was caught off guard this morning. Will’s love and affection is so pure and it blows my mind. I am amazed by his love. So often, I fall short as a mother. I lose my patience. I get bored being in the house constantly. I get distracted and am not as attentive as I could be. Will doesn’t mind though. He is forever forgiving. He has taught me so much about what the love of Christ really is. The way he always runs to me to give me a hug even when I’m not the best mom I could be is just one illustration of how incredible the love of a child truly is.

This illustration of love has been one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. Even though I get to experience a small piece of God’s love through the love I feel for my son, I also get to feel it in the love that Will shows me. Will has always been a snuggly baby, but he’s become more and more affectionate as he’s gotten older. He now gives kisses when you ask for them, and anytime Ty and I are kissing or snuggling on the couch, Will runs over to be part of the snuggles. I love it. I hoped that I would have physically affectionate children, and so far, my wish has been granted.

I still find myself feeling completely overwhelmed by the love I feel for the boys in my family. They bring so much joy and love into my life, and I feel so blessed to be experiencing life together. I find myself continually in awe of the beauty of God’s plan of happiness. I’m so grateful to be sealed in the temple and sharing my life with a family on this eternal journey.

Joy In All Its Glory

Then...

Whenever Ty and I go to a wedding and sign a book or write a card, our inscription usually includes this quote: “Joy in all its glory can only be obtained through unselfishness.” The quote originated with Ben Behunin, a potter, writer, and family friend, and it really resonates with me. It’s how Tyler and I have tried to structure our marriage and family. The truth is that Ty is naturally unselfish. I think it’s part of the reason why adjusting to marriage was pretty seamless for us. It’s easy to learn to live with someone who is always considerate of your thoughts and actions.

I was reminded of Ty’s selfless behavior on my birthday yesterday. He surprised me in the morning with the announcement that he wasn’t going to work and that I needed to get ready quickly because we had somewhere to be at 11, and we needed to drop Will off. It’s a big sacrifice for Ty to take work off right now. He has tons of meetings everyday for a big event coming up, and one of the guys on his team has been out of the office for three months recovering from back surgery. I was touched that he had decided to take a vacation day since I had specifically told him not to worry about it and that we could celebrate another day.

It turns out that our appointment at 11 was for a couples massage. This was another testament to Ty’s selflessness. I’ve always wanted to have a professional massage, but Ty had no desire. He really likes his bubble, and aside from me and (most of the time) Will, he doesn’t like to be touched very much. But he knew how much I would love a couples massage, so he booked one. It was amazing, and he enjoyed it even though he was a little apprehensive at first. After spending some time in a sauna following our massage, Ty took me to lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. We share a love a Brazilian food, but we don’t eat it very often due to availability and expense.

After lunch, we went shopping which was really nice to do without Will. As much as we love our little man, shopping is pretty hard with him in tow. I got some shoes and shirts, and Ty found some slacks for work and a nice sweater. I mostly just enjoyed being together. We don’t see each other very much during the week, and Saturdays are filled with homework and family events. Time to talk and enjoy being with Ty was the best gift I could have possibly received, and I’m so grateful that Sherrie (Ty’s mom) was able to watch Will. I didn’t worry about him at all. I just enjoyed the day.

We ended my birthday with a trip to the theater. I know it sounds silly, but not seeing movies in the theater has been one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for us. Ty and I both love movies, and before Will was born, we went to the theater often. We usually took advantage of $5  Tuesdays, but now, Will goes to bed at 8, and he’s at a horrible age for the theater. Finding a babysitter just isn’t worth it to see movies. We enjoy Netflix and Redbox on our projector, but we miss the theater. We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and we both loved it. Harry Potter and all things wizarding will always be dear to my heart.

And now.

We were going to get dinner after the movie, but we were still full from lunch, and we’d reached our limit of Will-free time. He’d been at his Grandma and Grandpa’s house for eight hours, and we missed him a lot. He was so excited to see us. He’s at such a fun stage. He is so chatty and busy all the time, and he’s super affectionate. It melts my heart to see him run up to Ty everyday when he gets home from work. I love my boys so much. My life is so much richer and more fun because of them. I didn’t take any pictures the whole day. My phone is broken, and I really just soaked up every minute without even considering taking a picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it-- it was a wonderful day.

What is Sleep?

This is how my mom left us when Will was 5 days old.

I've always been the kind of person who didn't need very much sleep. As a one year old, my mom quit giving me naps because if I took one, I wouldn't go to bed until 11. It's one of those characteristics that I've always had that I thought would be a blessing when the time came for me to have babies because I knew I wouldn't get very much sleep. And it has. I've been grateful that my body does okay without a lot of sleep. What I didn't fully grasp is the complete exhaustion that occurs when you have a baby.

This picture is one of the most genuine ones
I have of those early weeks with Will. Every
time I see it I cringe at the complete exhaustion
evidenced in my face, but this was my reality.

For the first few months of William's life, I didn't ever know what time it was. I slept when I could. While Ty was on paternity leave we kept crazy hours. Often we'd be awake in the middle of the night and sleep through the day. It mostly worked because we could take turns and just do what had to be done in order to get some rest. It got harder after Ty went back to work, and like every other new mom in the world, some nights were harder than others, but this is me. Before I got pregnant, 4 or 5 hours of sleep was enough to sustain me through the day. Pregnancy made it harder because I was so fatigued, but after Will was born I didn't feel like I needed as much sleep.

Then all of a sudden, every couple of weeks, I would just hit the wall and be so exhausted I would feel like I needed to sleep for three days straight just to function. What I learned most acutely was that functioning on few hours of sleep is different than waking up every hour for 10 hours. Never entering REM sleep is no joke. It was brutal, but just when I thought I would die from constant sleep deprivation, Will started sleeping pretty well. After that, he had a sleep regression, and today I've resigned myself to the reality that he is not a good sleeper.

I was always so relieved when I got Will to
sleep. I sent pictures like this to Ty at work a
lot because I knew he could appreciate them.

I don't know why Will doesn't nap or sleep well, but I do know that when people talk about newborns sleeping all the time, it doesn't apply to my baby. From the time he was born to the present, Will consistently has taken naps that only last 30-45 minutes at a time. It's our normal, but it's been hard to get used to. People always tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but when your baby only sleeps for short bursts of time, it's really hard to do that. In fact, trying to sleep while Will slept only made me resentful. I would put him down and by the time I had gone to the bathroom, taken a drink, and settled into bed to try to sleep, he would be awake again.

This summer has marked an interesting change in Will's sleep patterns. He'd be doing okay, and then we'd go to a family reunion and his whole schedule would deteriorate. We'd figure it out when we got home, and then we would have to leave again. One time he got an ear infection. Through the last weeks of summer, he was finally sleeping okay at night, but then I went back to school, and his sleep regressed again.

The sleep battle was never fought alone.

Being the only child right now means he gets a lot of cuddles when Ty and I are around. I think that with us both in school again, Will just misses all the connection. When he wakes up at night, he usually just needs a snuggle. Sometimes he wants to nurse, but a lot of the time I just rub his back or rock him and he settles down. Ty and I have even coslept with him a few times because he sleeps so much better with at least one of us next to him to reassure him when he wakes up.

I know it's normal for babies to wake up periodically through the night. I just didn't fully comprehend the scope of the amount of energy that goes into taking care of an infant night and day for weeks and months on end. I've spent hours googling how to help my baby sleep better, and basically what I've learned is that some babies just don't sleep very well, and this hopefully won't last forever. We've tried different sleep training methods. We have a solid bedtime routine. We use white noise and a humidifier. While each of these things has helped to varying degrees, Will just isn't a great sleeper, and neither was I. (I even apologized to my mom for that recently).

I love my sweet baby, and I've spent a lot of time holding him so he gets decent sleep. Ty even bought an amazing rocking chair that I've spent countless hours in as I've soothed and fed and read to and sung to our baby. It's pretty comfy for me to sleep in, so it works pretty well in moments of desperation. I just wish someone had honestly told me that on top of adjusting to being a new mom, there's always a possibility that your wonderful, sweet new baby won't sleep well and no amount of sleep training will help. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in this struggle. I know this stage of sleep deprivation won't last forever, so for now I'll just try to remember that and enjoy the extra snuggles.

Mimi holds him for naps a lot when she's around.
I think it's one of the reasons why Will loves her so much.