A Grinchy Christmas Season

Gingerbread Houses this year

It's been a Grinchy few weeks. I normally love Christmas. I like to deck our halls and listen to holiday music and watch sappy holiday movies for months, but this year I'm having a harder time finding the joy. I always look forward to Christmas. I had all my shopping done by Halloween this year in an effort to focus on being present and joyful and having a shorter to-do list in the month of December.

Then we decided to buy a house. We were supposed to close on December 11th, but the sellers have had some issues, and we're now not going to close until January 8th at the earliest. But for a solid month, we thought we'd be in our first home for Christmas. I leapt into action, packing, purging, organizing. In my productive whirlwind, my children definitely started to feel ignored, so I scaled back, but still worked with a goal in mind, feeling so excited to be in my own home. Then we got the news about the delayed closing, and I was angry.

It was December 4th when we found out everything was delayed. I was upset. My apartment is virtually packed. I have limited kitchen and bathroom stuff out. Most of the toys are packed. My baby is sleeping in a pack n play surrounded by boxes in our extra kitchen. And now that had to be sustained for more than another month instead of a mere week. I was so angry that none of these issues were disclosed. I had felt so led to this house, and now it just wasn't coming together.

I complained to Ty that our Christmas was ruined. Instead of being together as a family in our first home, we are going to be in our tired basement apartment for the third time. There is going to be more snow when we move. We had to change plans with our landlords. It also meant another month without a garage which is kind of a big deal when you’re loading and unloading two small children in the snow. I had just gotten to a peaceful place in my heart about leaving this community I’ve loved so much. I was moving forward instead of being sad about all we're leaving. And then I had to take two steps back.

After I cried and complained, I decided at least I could put up our tree and get out our stockings. I set up the tree, but it wasn't as joyful as some years. I decided not to put ornaments on it since Simon is so grabby and Will discovered that he loves to hide underneath and behind the tree. I went hunting for a stocking for Simon and couldn't find one I loved. We got out our train, but it’s stressful because my kids don’t know how to keep it on the tracks while they play with it. I haven't really been able to do the holiday baking I like to do because so much of my stuff is packed. I haven't had a very good attitude about it.

I got tickets to go to the zoo lights. My kids love the zoo. It’s one of their favorite places, and we’ve never been at Christmastime, so I thought it was a great idea. And the lights were amazing, but Will threw a fit for the first 20 minutes because he didn't want a coat or shoes, and he wanted me to hold him instead of being in the stroller. And even though he cheered up, and Simon loved it, it felt like a slap in the face. I already was feeling far from jolly and my attempt to do something different and fun ended up being a power struggle. (Incidentally, everything is a power struggle with Will these days).

A hard stage with Will combined with a beastly 8 month sleep regression and all the house drama has left me feeling utterly defeated and in a more downtrodden mental state than I’ve experienced in recent memory. This time of year has always been magical for me, especially since I’ve been married. Usually, I’m reminiscing on our courtship and the weeks leading up to our wedding, or I’m remembering when I was “great with child,” waiting for Will to be born. Those were truly beautiful and sacred times that I treasure, and it always has felt poetic that they coincided with the celebration of the Savior’s birth.

This year is a survival mode Christmas I guess, and it hurts my heart to realize that. What I’m realizing this month (again) is that mortal life isn’t always joyful and exciting even though we want it to be. Sometimes we just survive, and that’s okay. I’m still talking to my kids about Jesus. We’re still reading stories together and talking about what gifts we want to give and what our hopes are. We’re still playing “I Spy” everywhere we go, looking for the symbols of Christmas. There’s disappointment here, but there is joy too, and there can be both. So Merry Christmas, everyone. My heart already feels too large and heavy for my chest, so I don’t think I can bear for it to grow three sizes like the Grinch, but I’d settle for a little Christmas miracle to lift my spirits and make things a little less gray and a little more jolly.

Joy In All Its Glory

Then...

Whenever Ty and I go to a wedding and sign a book or write a card, our inscription usually includes this quote: “Joy in all its glory can only be obtained through unselfishness.” The quote originated with Ben Behunin, a potter, writer, and family friend, and it really resonates with me. It’s how Tyler and I have tried to structure our marriage and family. The truth is that Ty is naturally unselfish. I think it’s part of the reason why adjusting to marriage was pretty seamless for us. It’s easy to learn to live with someone who is always considerate of your thoughts and actions.

I was reminded of Ty’s selfless behavior on my birthday yesterday. He surprised me in the morning with the announcement that he wasn’t going to work and that I needed to get ready quickly because we had somewhere to be at 11, and we needed to drop Will off. It’s a big sacrifice for Ty to take work off right now. He has tons of meetings everyday for a big event coming up, and one of the guys on his team has been out of the office for three months recovering from back surgery. I was touched that he had decided to take a vacation day since I had specifically told him not to worry about it and that we could celebrate another day.

It turns out that our appointment at 11 was for a couples massage. This was another testament to Ty’s selflessness. I’ve always wanted to have a professional massage, but Ty had no desire. He really likes his bubble, and aside from me and (most of the time) Will, he doesn’t like to be touched very much. But he knew how much I would love a couples massage, so he booked one. It was amazing, and he enjoyed it even though he was a little apprehensive at first. After spending some time in a sauna following our massage, Ty took me to lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. We share a love a Brazilian food, but we don’t eat it very often due to availability and expense.

After lunch, we went shopping which was really nice to do without Will. As much as we love our little man, shopping is pretty hard with him in tow. I got some shoes and shirts, and Ty found some slacks for work and a nice sweater. I mostly just enjoyed being together. We don’t see each other very much during the week, and Saturdays are filled with homework and family events. Time to talk and enjoy being with Ty was the best gift I could have possibly received, and I’m so grateful that Sherrie (Ty’s mom) was able to watch Will. I didn’t worry about him at all. I just enjoyed the day.

We ended my birthday with a trip to the theater. I know it sounds silly, but not seeing movies in the theater has been one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for us. Ty and I both love movies, and before Will was born, we went to the theater often. We usually took advantage of $5  Tuesdays, but now, Will goes to bed at 8, and he’s at a horrible age for the theater. Finding a babysitter just isn’t worth it to see movies. We enjoy Netflix and Redbox on our projector, but we miss the theater. We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and we both loved it. Harry Potter and all things wizarding will always be dear to my heart.

And now.

We were going to get dinner after the movie, but we were still full from lunch, and we’d reached our limit of Will-free time. He’d been at his Grandma and Grandpa’s house for eight hours, and we missed him a lot. He was so excited to see us. He’s at such a fun stage. He is so chatty and busy all the time, and he’s super affectionate. It melts my heart to see him run up to Ty everyday when he gets home from work. I love my boys so much. My life is so much richer and more fun because of them. I didn’t take any pictures the whole day. My phone is broken, and I really just soaked up every minute without even considering taking a picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it-- it was a wonderful day.

Give Thanks

The missionaries joined us too.

Whew! I am behind on this blogging thing. I just thought I’d share a little about Thanksgiving. We spent Thanksgiving in Kamas this year, and it was wonderful. The food was amazing; it always is when Dianne is at the helm. ;) Plus, I was able to spend time with my cute siblings and veg a little bit. We had the whole week off of school, so Tyler and I didn’t have any class which was nice, but we both worked the beginning of the week. Unfortunately, bills do not pay themselves.

The most fun part of Thanksgiving was just spending time with family. We busted out Harry Potter Clue, and it was a blast. The month of November was pretty emotionally taxing, especially since we said goodbye to Great, but there is still such a feeling of joy when you get to spend time with the people you love. :)

My cousin, Ashlee Smoot, was diagnosed with colon cancer a little while ago, so we got #teamashlee shirts to support her. You can read more about her story here. She is an amazing woman. We’re praying and cheering for her.

We made gingerbread houses at my Grandma Goates’s house, and it was fun. It’s always been one of my favorite traditions. We also slid off the road on our way up to the house. That was an adventure as well. I’m grateful everyone is okay, and the car seems to be running just fine.

After gingerbread houses, Tyler and I took Molly, Lily, and Jonny home with us for a sleepover. It was fun to have them with us, and I especially loved having them in our primary class. The kids get really excited about visitors.

Molly was awake; Lily and Jonny were not.

We met back up with my parents at Temple Square to hear Hailey and Riley sing with the Tapestry. They did an awesome job.

This Thanksgiving I’m most grateful for my wonderful husband and everything I’ve learned after being married for almost a year. I’m also grateful for the gospel, school, a good job, Winco, and bobby pins (among other things).