Becoming Codependent

The majority of both my family and Tyler's
at the temple on our wedding day

My parents were both married before any of their siblings (my dad is the second of five; my mom is the second of thirteen), and I was the first grandchild on both sides of my family. After May 16th, I will have been able to attend fifteen weddings for my aunts and uncles. My closest aunt in age is a little less than four years older than me, and my closest girl cousin is five years younger than me, so I always felt like my aunts and uncles were my dear friends and more like cousins than my parents’ siblings. I feel like being part of this generation bridge put me in a unique position.

As I have grown up, I have noticed that I occupy a time warp from the perspective of some of these familial mentors. Although they have loved watching me grow and getting to know the adult me, many of them look at me and see their first niece, a child. Being in that position, I have observed valuable life lessons from the position of an invisible child that understands and comprehends more than the adults realize. I recognized this unique situation as a preteen and took advantage of it. Often, I would hide behind a book in the corner to enhance my ability to glean information and knowledge.

Many of the things I learned in this fashion had to do with relationships, especially marriage and companionship. In some ways, that was puzzling to me. I could not understand the codependence that seemed so prevalent in these relationships. I remember watching my parents on occasion with the same confusion. My Dad would always say that he’d rather stay at home with my mom than do anything else with anyone else. I thought that was cute, but it puzzled me too. I liked to be alone. I didn’t want to be alone forever, but I enjoyed “me time” when I could be by myself and have my own space and time.

Riding a carousel less than a
week after our first date

I've always taken great pride in my independence. As a kid, I would often say, "I'll do it myself," and that mentality has stayed with me. I like to have my own time and space, and I thrive on intrinsic motivation. When it came to making choices, my parents learned early in my life that I loved to do kind things and chores if it was my idea and not necessarily if they told me to do something. Even though I am stubborn and independent, my independence never kept me from enjoying relationships; I just knew that sometimes I needed my own space. Sometimes that meant spending a Friday night at home reading instead of at a friend’s house.

Due to my fierce self-sufficiency, I remember watching engaged and newly-wed couples with confusion. Seeing two people that could not get enough of each other was weird to me. I liked my space physically and emotionally. Even in romantic relationships, I didn’t like to share everything, and I needed to be my own person. I started dating Tyler though, and I didn’t feel that way anymore. I wanted him to be with me all of the time. We spent every possible moment together. If we weren’t in class or at work, we were joined at the hip. Now, I realized why all these people wanted to be so close to each other.

At the Oakland temple
(We went on a twelve hour road trip
together three weeks into our relationship).

The amazing thing about wanting to be so close to Tyler all the time is that I was still my own person. I didn’t feel like I had to “give up” my independence. I just welcomed Tyler into my bubble of independence to become codependent. Codependency is generally a negative word referring to a psychological condition concerning a person’s inability to function without another person or substance (i.e. drugs or alcohol), and although I can function without Tyler, I prefer not to. Even though that definition applies to me to a certain extent, I don't think I have a psychological disorder; however, part of the definition says “[codependence] refers to dependence on the needs... of another.” For me, that’s something that slipped into my relationship with Tyler. I was amazed that I was suddenly aware of Tyler, and his needs and feelings and emotions, and Tyler reciprocated those feelings. It isn’t always easy or convenient to put Tyler’s needs before my own, but I’ve found that few things give me more joy.

I've never been happier or closer to anyone.

It’s a pretty stark change in your life when you go from being a teenager, completely focused on your future and your own needs to being a girlfriend, fiancee, and then wife. All of a sudden, it’s not all about you anymore, and it’s wonderful. As a teenager, I learned that when I was thinking of others and serving others, I was happier. Being married has only enhanced that knowledge. Serving Tyler brings richness to our marriage and to my own life. In that respect, I love our codependence and I hope to continue to cultivate that aspect of our marriage forever.

My Mission

I consider myself fully committed to the gospel of Jesus Christ when I was fifteen. From that time forward, I thought I would serve a mission, and I tried to prepare myself for that experience. My plan for my future was simple: graduate high school, graduate college with a Bachelor’s degree in English (hopefully in three years thanks to some AP and distance education credits), go on a mission, come back and work in the editing and publishing field, and find my prince charming. Then, obviously, I would marry him in the temple and start a family. I hoped that these years would also include study abroad and humanitarian trips as well. When President Monson announced that young women could serve a mission at nineteen, I was thrilled. It changed my plan, but with a little juggling, I was confident that I could still accomplish all the things on my list.

I graduated from high school with a “good riddance” attitude. I was ready to embark on the real adventures my life would bring. I moved away from home with the plan that I would go to college for one semester, move back in with my parents at Christmas, and then leave on my mission as soon as possible. I only signed a housing contract for four months, in order to ensure the fruition of my flawless plan. My heart was pretty well sealed, and I was ready for life to begin (cue Tangled music). My third day in Orem, I met Tyler Johns. My first impression was that he was cute, but after hanging out with him for several hours I knew that he was also hilarious and fun and had a depth that I hadn’t encountered in a man before. Over the next few weeks, I spent a lot of time with Tyler and his roommates. We had so much fun, and I was grateful for such good friends. My mission papers had been started before I moved to Orem, but all of a sudden, I couldn’t finish them. Every time I sat down to finish my papers, I had a stupor of thought, and I just couldn’t do it. Tyler took me on our first date on September 14th. By the end of the night, I knew I wanted to marry someone like him. By the 18th, I knew I didn’t want someone like him, I wanted him.

First Date
Country Swing Dancing

The week after Tyler and I went on our first date was such a whirlwind. Tyler didn’t want to waste his time on me if I was going to serve a mission. I could turn my papers in on October 1st. I prayed fervently. I studied. I knew I was supposed to pursue a relationship with Tyler, and I felt peace. Even after I received that witness, I wondered a little. One day, as I was questioning the path I had chosen, I heard a voice in my head say, “Ashley, there is nothing you want more than an eternal family. Your Heavenly Father put you and Tyler together knowing that was your righteous desire. What’s your hang up? Timing?” Then, a quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell spoke peace to my heart; it says something like, “Faith in God includes faith in his timing.” Life didn’t immediately get easier after this experience, but I felt so peaceful and comforted, and I didn’t worry anymore.

Me with Makell
She's going to be an awesome missionary in
Tallahassee, Florida!

My family was supportive of my choice as soon as they got to meet Tyler, but true to the good parents that they are, my parents wanted me to be sure. One day, my dad said, “I think this is great, and we love you both. Just let me ask, are you going to get a few years down the road and regret the things you chose not to do? Will you wish that you had made a different choice?” I pondered that and knew the answer. “No, Dad. I think of my future, and there is nothing I would rather do than marry Tyler Johns.”

I’ve been reflecting on this since one of my dear friends is entering the MTC today. She’s amazing, and I have many friends that are serving now or preparing to leave. I’m so happy for them. I am so grateful for their examples. I’m simultaneously happy that I’m on my mission. Because the moment I was sealed to Tyler, my eternal mission began. I get to be a wife, and someday I hope to be a mother. I’m so happy with my mission. I’m not preaching the gospel to people in a foreign land, but I am on a mission, and I'm so happy with my call.

The Health Benefits of Slurpees

I think everyone knows those preteens and teenagers that cry everyday for no apparent reason. I am here to say that I was that girl, and unlike some of the more fortunate people I know, I’m still trying to grow out of that. When I look back on my middle school and high school experience, I feel like a solid 70% of those days contained tears (though to be fair, my parents could probably estimate even better). I remember feeling like I was emotionally out of control, and there was no way I could keep it all together. That was when I discovered the health benefits of Slurpees.

Aunt Mer, Hailey, Me, Mom
At Hailey's Junior Prom
(We don't usually take pictures on our Slurpee outings
due to the physical evidences of our emotions).

My mom has always been a proponent of the idea that emotional sickness is every bit as legitimate as physical sickness. I remember being allowed to stay home from high school on particular days that I was especially emotionally ill, and that gave me great comfort. My parents and younger sister bore the brunt of my emotional struggles. I am a contemplative person. I like to consider each option and situation before forming an opinion and making a decision; however, after my internal debate is over, I feel the need to process out loud with a trusted confidant. When I was a teenager, this meant my mom, and it was usually late at night, long after most of my family was sleeping. I would walk into my parents’ room and talk while they got ready for bed, and then I would sit on the edge of the bed and continue to talk. There were many nights that my dad would attempt to kick me out of his room so he could sleep, but I usually stayed and talked until I had gotten it all out.

In more dire emotional crises, my mom would come to my room. Many times my sister, Hailey, was already perched on my bed, listening to my emotional outpouring. Usually, there was a roll of toilet paper on the bed serving as tissues and a garbage can within tossing range. Before I met Tyler, no one could lighten my blues or brighten my outlook better than my mom and sister. Sometimes, the three of us would talk for a long time, and sometimes I was feeling better in just a few minutes, but being able to bond with these amazing women in moments of emotional vulnerability brought me the strength that I needed to keep my chin up. To be fair, I wasn’t usually the only one of the three of us that drew comfort from our sisterhood, and I wasn’t always the only one fighting an emotional battle.

Slurpees with my brother, Riley

One night, in the face of many tears, Hailey, my mom, and I decided that the only thing that would make me feel better was a Slurpee from 7-11. (I should interject here with a small explanation. I grew up in a small town where the only thing that stayed open past 10 p.m. was the 7-11, and often, these emotional meltdowns occurred long after ten o’clock). So, the three of us piled into the party van that I drove at the time (a 1996 GMC Safari complete with mood lights and a back seat that reclined into a bed) and enjoyed Slurpees in the back of the van. I had no idea at the time that this would become a tradition. I didn’t always go get Slurpees with Hailey and my mom, sometimes we couldn’t all go, or we picked up a friend to join in our experience. One friend, in particular, joined us on several occasions, sharing her wisdom and perspective. I treasured these times, and that was when I started believing in the health benefits of Slurpees.

After a couple of hours of talking to close friends and eating Slurpees, my heart always felt lighter. I felt like I could survive another day of high school or face the boy problems I was facing. The Slurpees and company of various loved ones never failed to improve my emotional health and well being. Most of the time, these ventures included every range of emotion: sadness, happiness, frustration, loneliness, friendship, and everything else. I always felt happier and grateful for my friends. I recognize that I really believe in friendship, and not Slurpees, but for me, Slurpees were a bonus in my life that made friendship even sweeter.

 I believe in the power of "Slurpees" so much that we got them to celebrate our engagement.
(Admittedly, these are Frazils, but the concept is the same).

This blog post is a shout out to all the wonderful people that I have had the privilege of sharing Slurpees, Frazils, Ice Cream, or anything else with! Thank you for buoying me up in my time(s) of need.

Let Love And Friendship Reign Forever

From the time I was young, I have been fascinated by symbolism. My love for the symbolism of the Claddagh stems from seeing my mom's own Irish ring when I was very young. She didn't wear hers as a wedding ring, but her grandmother  had brought one back from a mission to Ireland that I remember my mom wearing on occasion. I remember my mom telling me that it was a special ring, and true to my character, I asked her why.

My mom explained that the heart, hands, and crown were symbols: that the heart represented love, the hands friendship, and the crown loyalty. As a thirteen-year-old, I remember telling my mom that I wanted a Claddagh ring as my wedding ring. "Love, friendship, and loyalty--what better characteristics to have in a marriage?" I asked. Years later, I wrote a research paper on this symbolism for a high school history class. Around the same time that I wrote this paper, my mom told me that she actually had two Claddagh rings, one with a garnet heart (her birthstone and the one I remember her wearing) and one made of sterling silver. She gave me the silver one, and I wore it religiously. One of my dearest friends took a trip to Ireland and brought me a bigger, more modern-looking one, and I wore it as well.

Enter Tyler. My first semester at college I met Tyler. We became fast friends and one afternoon, he asked me about the ring I always wore, the Claddagh ring from my mom. I explained how I loved the symbolism and what it meant. A few weeks later, we were dating, and I let him wear the ring from my friend. He didn't take it off until an hour before we were married. Our dating and courtship was a whirlwind, but I knew that I wanted to marry him less than a week after our first date.

It was obvious that we were headed towards marriage, and Tyler put out some feelers about rings and proposals. The only feedback I gave him was that I did not want to pick out my ring, and I wanted to be surprised when he proposed. True to Tyler's character, he did not disappoint. I was surprised and excited and thrilled when Tyler knelt outside the Provo, Utah Latter-day Saint Temple and asked me to be his wife. It was dark, and I didn't initially see the ring he put on my finger, I just knew that marrying him was right. When I did see the ring, I was surprised to note that I recognized it. It was my mom's Claddagh ring with the garnet heart setting. It was polished and sparkling, but I recognized it. The fact that he had chosen to give me a Claddagh ring confirmed to me that this was definitely the man of my dreams.

I've never been very good at visualizing exactly what I want, but I was happy with my mom's ring, and I loved it. A few weeks after we got engaged, we were visiting some of Tyler's family for Thanksgiving near Manti, Utah. One morning, we decided to go to the temple together. After we came out of the temple, we walked around the grounds, and Tyler surprised me again by presenting me with the ring in the picture at the top of this page. I was emotional as he explained that the heart was a ruby, his birthstone, and that I would always have his heart.

This has turned out to be kind of a long explanation, but the reason I have shared all of this is because of the name I chose for this blog. The slogan for the Claddagh ring is "Let Love and Friendship Reign Forever." Tyler and I plan to do just that, and I plan to share bits and pieces of our life and my thoughts through our journey.