Becoming Codependent

The majority of both my family and Tyler's
at the temple on our wedding day

My parents were both married before any of their siblings (my dad is the second of five; my mom is the second of thirteen), and I was the first grandchild on both sides of my family. After May 16th, I will have been able to attend fifteen weddings for my aunts and uncles. My closest aunt in age is a little less than four years older than me, and my closest girl cousin is five years younger than me, so I always felt like my aunts and uncles were my dear friends and more like cousins than my parents’ siblings. I feel like being part of this generation bridge put me in a unique position.

As I have grown up, I have noticed that I occupy a time warp from the perspective of some of these familial mentors. Although they have loved watching me grow and getting to know the adult me, many of them look at me and see their first niece, a child. Being in that position, I have observed valuable life lessons from the position of an invisible child that understands and comprehends more than the adults realize. I recognized this unique situation as a preteen and took advantage of it. Often, I would hide behind a book in the corner to enhance my ability to glean information and knowledge.

Many of the things I learned in this fashion had to do with relationships, especially marriage and companionship. In some ways, that was puzzling to me. I could not understand the codependence that seemed so prevalent in these relationships. I remember watching my parents on occasion with the same confusion. My Dad would always say that he’d rather stay at home with my mom than do anything else with anyone else. I thought that was cute, but it puzzled me too. I liked to be alone. I didn’t want to be alone forever, but I enjoyed “me time” when I could be by myself and have my own space and time.

Riding a carousel less than a
week after our first date

I've always taken great pride in my independence. As a kid, I would often say, "I'll do it myself," and that mentality has stayed with me. I like to have my own time and space, and I thrive on intrinsic motivation. When it came to making choices, my parents learned early in my life that I loved to do kind things and chores if it was my idea and not necessarily if they told me to do something. Even though I am stubborn and independent, my independence never kept me from enjoying relationships; I just knew that sometimes I needed my own space. Sometimes that meant spending a Friday night at home reading instead of at a friend’s house.

Due to my fierce self-sufficiency, I remember watching engaged and newly-wed couples with confusion. Seeing two people that could not get enough of each other was weird to me. I liked my space physically and emotionally. Even in romantic relationships, I didn’t like to share everything, and I needed to be my own person. I started dating Tyler though, and I didn’t feel that way anymore. I wanted him to be with me all of the time. We spent every possible moment together. If we weren’t in class or at work, we were joined at the hip. Now, I realized why all these people wanted to be so close to each other.

At the Oakland temple
(We went on a twelve hour road trip
together three weeks into our relationship).

The amazing thing about wanting to be so close to Tyler all the time is that I was still my own person. I didn’t feel like I had to “give up” my independence. I just welcomed Tyler into my bubble of independence to become codependent. Codependency is generally a negative word referring to a psychological condition concerning a person’s inability to function without another person or substance (i.e. drugs or alcohol), and although I can function without Tyler, I prefer not to. Even though that definition applies to me to a certain extent, I don't think I have a psychological disorder; however, part of the definition says “[codependence] refers to dependence on the needs... of another.” For me, that’s something that slipped into my relationship with Tyler. I was amazed that I was suddenly aware of Tyler, and his needs and feelings and emotions, and Tyler reciprocated those feelings. It isn’t always easy or convenient to put Tyler’s needs before my own, but I’ve found that few things give me more joy.

I've never been happier or closer to anyone.

It’s a pretty stark change in your life when you go from being a teenager, completely focused on your future and your own needs to being a girlfriend, fiancee, and then wife. All of a sudden, it’s not all about you anymore, and it’s wonderful. As a teenager, I learned that when I was thinking of others and serving others, I was happier. Being married has only enhanced that knowledge. Serving Tyler brings richness to our marriage and to my own life. In that respect, I love our codependence and I hope to continue to cultivate that aspect of our marriage forever.