Confrontation and Me

I've been thinking about confrontation lately. It's been on my mind mostly because I often hear people say, "I'm really non confrontational" like it's the worst personality trait. Then I hear other people say "I really shouldn't be so confrontational." So which is better? Why do we perceive that both confrontation and the lack of confrontation are negative things? It's frustrating, and I decided to share a little bit of my story of learning to love myself.

I’ve always seen myself as a mixture of a peacemaker and a confrontational debater. Even though it may seem like that’s not necessary a bad thing, it was a really difficult part of my personality to navigate. Where for some people, this combination would be positive, it just showed me that I could be passive-aggressive. This is best illustrated in my life from ages 12-14. During those years, I stewed endlessly about the things that really bothered me in order to salvage relationships, but then I would end up exploding about something that didn’t even really matter to me. It may be cheesy to say, but I read The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, and it helped me a lot.

People who didn’t know me during my explosive years or still don’t know me well might be surprised by the fact that I am a red/white combination, but as I read the book, I realized that there were aspects of my personality that needed some help. Instead of bottling up my frustration, I tried to communicate it effectively by confronting the real issues, not the unimportant things. It was a painful process of trying to figure out who I really was and how I could communicate with people in a way that was positive and clear. This was most often the case in interactions with my parents. It wasn’t until after I embraced the confrontational side of me that our relationship was able to mend and progress.

It’s too bad that confrontation has such a negative connotation because all it literally means is to face something. When we confront fear, it’s a great thing, but then the word skews and changes to be negative when it’s transferred to social interaction. That’s fine, but I’m saying that it was vital for me to accept and embrace that part of me even though confrontation perceived as negative in most circumstances. But I also had to accept that there is a part of me that wants to be a peacemaker and keep people happy. It’s still a balance everyday. I try to actively think about what I’m saying, but I fail a lot. I hurt people’s feelings. I communicate in confusing ways. And I sometimes cause problems. But I’m still doing my best to figure that all out.

Marrying Tyler introduced a new dimension to my struggle with confrontation and peacemaking. Tyler is most definitely non confrontational. (According to the color code he’s a white/yellow personality). He has a magnetic personality, and he’s constantly acting as the peacemaker in every aspect of our lives: family, friends, primary etc. The amazing thing about this part of Tyler is that instead of these opposite aspects of our personalities causing friction and contention, it strengthens us as a unit. Because we cover both ends of the spectrum, for the most part, we are able to balance our communication. I won’t let big issues rest and simmer, and he makes it so that we don’t end up wasting energy on something unimportant.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that Tyler and I make a good team because we’re different. Maybe another time I’ll write about our similarities because that’s a longer list, but today I want to point out that our differences in communication make us stronger in our relationship. Together we’re becoming a fuller spectrum of color and variety. I’ve mentioned before that Tyler is a lot more fun than I am, and I stand by that. We bring different things to our relationship, and I don’t ever want to live in a world where we can’t strengthen each other and become better together.