Writing and Introversion

I’ve been thinking today about why I write. I’m an English major. My study usually includes reading and writing, so why is it that I want to write for fun? My conclusion: it’s my outlet, and it’s a way to communicate and interact with the world. It doesn’t matter if no one ever reads this blog, and I don’t mind if people critique the writing. I just need a place to get my thoughts out.

The truth is that I am more withdrawn than ever. A lot of people come out of their shells in college. They make tons of friends and do things they’ve never done. They reach out and reinvent themselves. They come into their own. I’ve done those things. The difference is that for me, that means being who I really am. And that is a person that likes to be at home reading books and baking, okay eating, cookies. I have a lot of friends in my program, but we don’t hang out. It’s not personal. It’s who we are. Don’t misunderstand--I love spending time with people and connecting, but I’m a one-on-one kind of girl. I love being in small groups. Large gatherings are not my happy place, so reading and writing are right up my alley.

So, in part, writing is a way for me to be myself. I can communicate and get my thoughts out without being in a crowded space with a lot of people. I can sit at home and connect with my husband instead of being in public where I feel out of sorts and at odds with my surroundings. My best evenings and days are spent in small groups with people I know well. I like to have long talks, especially with Tyler, and I like to read books and write a blog that isn't read very extensively. Sometimes I act this way and get branded as antisocial or distant. I’m not trying to avoid you, and I’m not disinterested in what you have to say. I’m just not in my element. And I don’t think I’m the only one.

When I was in high school, my best weekends were spent with just a few close friends either watching a movie, making treats, or chatting, usually a combination of all of that. Sometimes, my friends and I would read together which doesn't sound social, but it was wonderful for me. I have a couple friends who would come over to my house, and we would take naps. I felt bad sometimes that I didn't go to all the dances and sporting events, but I knew what it would be like. I would sit in the student section and wish that I was at home reading a book or talking to someone instead of yelling and jumping. 

My senior year of high school, I embraced that part of myself, but not before I spent my junior year as a cheerleader and pushed myself to the point of exhaustion in my attempt to be "involved" and "fun." Loud and busy social interaction just isn't my happy place. I like to be alone, and that's okay. I've learned a lot about being myself, and the most important part of being an introvert for me is being okay with being an introvert in a world geared towards extroverts.

A little while ago, I stumbled across a ted talk about the power of introverts, and it made me want to walk around with it constantly playing on my back. I felt like someone eloquently explained my life in nineteen minutes. Then I realized that I wasn’t the only person who would rather sit at home with a book than go to a dance. So maybe even though this blog has little to no circulation or popularity, someday, someone will see this confession and know that they’re not alone.