My Breastfeeding Battle

After nursing when Will was 2 days old

It's hard to write about something sensitive and deeply personal, and that's exactly what this post is because I feel like it's something I need to share even though it's painful. Breastfeeding. That word evokes such strong feelings for so many people, myself included. Before William was born, I was sure that I would breastfeed my baby for well past six months. I knew it was good for the baby and the mom, and it sounded convenient to not have to worry about making a bottle every time he needed to eat. I even took a breastfeeding class to be more prepared for the experience. Then Will was born.

I mentioned before that Will had a hard time latching on at first. He's jaw is set pretty far back and apparently, my nipples are flat (who knew?). So before we were discharged from the Birth Center, we used a nipple shield to help William eat. I was just relieved that he had finally latched, but Ty did not like the idea of using the shield even though he couldn't tell me why. So my breastfeeding relationship with William was established with the nipple shield. Right at first,I tried periodically to latch him without the shield. Sometimes it worked, but more often it resulted in tears and frustration for both of us. So I gave up on latching without the shield, telling myself that I would try when he was older but dreading that day.

Milk drunk...

I actually liked nursing. Even though the shield was a little bit annoying, nursing was pretty fulfilling. The only downside was that even at 2 months William wanted to nurse for several hours at a time, long after he had stopped swallowing. He also sucks really hard. One time he gave himself a blister on his lip, and right at first even with the barrier of the shield, I was getting blisters too. Feeding William was all consuming, but I knew he needed the nourishment and the bonding, so I bided my time.

Then I took Will to his 2 month check up, and he hadn't gained any weight in two weeks. As soon as I saw the scale, my heart dropped. I knew it was important for him to be gaining a lot of weight, but he nursed all the time and for a long time. I couldn't figure it out. My pediatrician suggested that I pump in between feedings to help increase my milk supply and to give that milk to Will so he was getting more food.

So started the period of my postpartum life filled with feeding and pumping and crying. I was so upset that Will wasn’t gaining weight, and it felt personal. I felt like my body had betrayed me by not making enough milk for my baby to thrive. Additionally, William started fussing at the breast and refusing to latch sometimes. Sometimes he would full on scream after a feeding. It was a rough time. Tyler ended up calling a lactation consultant to help me because I couldn't call her myself. Failure shuts me down, and in my mind I had failed William.

The lactation consultant I spoke to was amazing. She offered support and suggestions, and I never felt like a failure when I was working with her. She suggested that I wean Will off the nipple shield since it served as a barrier between my nerves that determined milk supply and William's mouth. I dreaded the process of weaning Will off the shield, but it made sense to try, so I started the process on Good Friday, knowing that Tyler had the day off. That morning I spent about an hour skin to skin with him like I had when he was first born. He latched without the shield, and we haven't used it since. It was a rough day, but we got through it, and William is nursing really well now.

The thing is, it was still rough. My nipples hadn't had a chance to adjust to nursing as Will got older and stronger, so all of a sudden they were exposed to a very strong baby who sucks really hard. My breasts hurt so bad. I was in pain every feeding for a solid week. When the blisters and cracks healed, breastfeeding finally became the positive, beautiful experience depicted in celebrity breastfeeding photos (although I don’t think it’s ever glamorous).

He had a weight check this week, and he's gaining well now. Hopefully that continues. When I started using the nipple shield, I didn't know that it would negatively impact my milk supply. The lactation consultant said that it happens, but it isn't super common. I'm glad to be rid of the shield, and I probably should have listened to Ty when he said he didn't have a good feeling about it.

After nursing yesterday

What's interesting about my breastfeeding experience is that in all my conversations with women about nursing, no one ever shared anything that resembled my experience. It seems like everyone I talked to either had great breastfeeding established from the beginning, decided not to breastfeed at all, or breastfed for a short time and then stopped for one reason or another. I'm not trying to judge any of those courses of action, but I feel like I ended up in a completely separate category: breastfeeding was fine- breastfeeding was a nightmare- breastfeeding is pleasant. I guess what I've learned from this is that like everything else related to pregnancy, birth, and parenting, breastfeeding is a relatively unique experience for everyone. I just wish I had had a little more warning and perspective.