Separation Anxiety

This is Will's favorite spot.

This summer has been busy and hectic, and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath right before I jump back into school for my final semester. I’ve loved being home with Will all summer. He is so much fun. I love watching him learn and grow. It’s also fun to know that I’m his favorite person. He is a complete Mama’s boy right now which makes sense since I’m with him 99% of his time. He loves to snuggle and talk to me, and he’s gotten to the point where he gets really frustrated if he can’t see me. I love that he’s so snuggly and loves me so much, but it’s been tough to have him be so clingy recently especially since I’m going to be leaving him for a few hours twice a week in order to go to class.

When Ty and I got married, I didn’t think that we’d have kids before I graduated. Then when we knew we were supposed to start having kids, I realized that my timeline was going to be different than I had originally projected (like every other aspect of my life). I’ve been really blessed to be able to finish all but three classes without leaving Will with a babysitter. Now though, I have to take my last 9 credits in person. I’ve been dreading going back to school since Will was born in January.

More than anything else, I have always wanted to be a mom, and now I am. It’s also been a goal for me to get my bachelor’s degree, and I am blessed to be in a situation where I can do both, but it still hurts my heart to know that I’ll be leaving my sweet little boy. I know it isn’t for very long, and I know I’m lucky because I can leave him with his grandmas. I know I’ll never regret finishing college, and I know that 31 afternoons away from my baby (yes, I counted) isn’t going to kill him or destroy our bond. I know that this is a better time to finish my degree than trying to go back to school in a few years when I have more children, but that doesn’t change the fact that I would rather not leave him at all.

Even though I know that it’s normal for Will to be getting clingy and having some separation anxiety at this stage in his life, I think my own separation anxiety might be worse than Will’s. I worry about leaving Will a lot. I know logically that it will be okay, but that doesn’t soothe me. So I’ve decided to let myself feel what I need to feel. Leaving Will is going to be hard for me, and that’s okay. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. I can do anything for four months, and I know I’ll be better for it when this is all over. Now pass me the tissues.