What's In His Name?

Simon Robert Johns. This is the name I have been pulling for my whole pregnancy. Ty and i agreed that we'd like to honor Tyler's dad with the middle name this time, but Ty wasn't a fan of the name Simon. He really wanted to go with the name Theodore and call him Teddy, and I wasn't sold on that. It's interesting because Simon wasn't one of my favorites last time.

Around 20 weeks, when we found out we were having another boy, I had the impression that the baby's name was Simon. I talked to Ty about it, but neither one of us wanted to commit before we met our little guy, and he wasn't convinced. Throughout my pregnancy, we talked about different names, but I always felt strongly about Simon. I even picked up a book that was about Simon Rodia, the artist who created Watts Towers, and it just felt like another little nugget leading me to the name.

Really, the reason I love the name Simon is because of Simon Peter in the Bible. I love that Peter changed his name when the Savior asked him to because Peter is constantly changing and improving. Even though Simon is the name he left behind, I just love that connection. I remember studying the New Testament in Seminary in high school and feeling so much love and respect for Peter. He left everything to follow the Savior, and I hope I can raise my Simon to love God and Jesus Christ to that degree as well.

I know people often tell the story of Peter denying the Savior, and my takeaway from that is that everyone makes mistakes and falters. There are several stories in the Bible in which Peter makes a mistake or is chastised, but he always repents and comes back stronger in his testimony which is an example I would love for my children to follow. Peter’s faith in following Jesus by walking on water astounds me. In my estimation, Peter is real. He is a flawed man who did his very best to follow the Savior and was constantly working to be better. Simon Peter is one of my biblical heroes, and I am happy to have a son whose name can reflect that even a little bit.

Additionally, Simon means to listen. I love that image. Will and Simon were very different in the womb, and in just a couple of days it’s clear that they are very different newborns as well. Will was constantly moving in utero. It was like he had a pogo stick or something, and I continually got the impression from him that he was excited about life and full of energy. Simon was more relaxed. His movements felt more like he was just stretching, trying to find a comfortable position. I got the impression that he was going to be more of a listener and more studious than William is. I’m interested to see if that’s how they grow up, but as of right now, Simon is already a much more mellow baby with lower energy than Will has.

Beyond that, Simon's birth taught me a lot about listening. The birth room was so chaotic when I was in labor, but I was able to tune it out and listen to the guidance of the Spirit in order to get Simon here safely. I realized how important it was for me to listen and focus on the spiritual rather than the temporal, and I think that Simon's peaceful nature was a large piece of my ability to listen amidst a storm.

I’m thrilled to have a little boy named Simon Robert. I think it’s a strong name. I think he can grow into it, but I also think it already fits him. My love for him just keeps growing with every moment.

Simon's Birth Story

 

Most people I've talked to in the last little while know that I have been antsy to have my baby for a few weeks. What most people don't know is that I have also had the impression throughout my pregnancy that something intense was going to go down. There was a placental bleed in the first trimester when I thought I was going to miscarry, but even after that resolved, I felt like something was going to go wrong. That's not normal for me. I'm a pretty optimistic person, and I had a normal, low risk pregnancy both times with no red flags. I'm grateful for those impressions so that I was somewhat emotionally prepared for the challenges that came with this birth.

Ty and I planned on a home birth this time, and we were all ready to go. Ty submitted his final project for the semester at 11:59 pm on March 18th (baby's due date), and we went to bed. At 2, I woke up feeling a pretty intense contraction. I didn't want to pay attention too soon, but I couldn't sleep through them, and they were coming every 5-7 minutes. I took a shower and ate a snack, and the contractions stayed consistent. My labor with Will was 18 hours, so I was trying to settle in for the long haul, but things felt so much more intense this time around. I debated about calling my midwife or waiting, and I settled on calling her.

I talked to Eve at 4:30, and then texted my mom and sister to have them head to the house for the birth. Eve got there at 5:15, and Hailey and my mom were about 5 or 10 minutes after that. The first thing Eve did was listen to the baby's heart tones through a few contractions, and it was obvious that there were major decelerations happening at the peak of each contraction. At that point I was dilated to a 6, but baby's heart tones were problematic. We said a prayer together, and Tyler gave me a blessing, and we knew we needed to go to the hospital.

Because we had planned on a home birth, I didn't have a hospital bag packed, so we will threw a few things together and rushed to the hospital which is normally 15 minutes away (it took us 10 to get there). We left Hailey with Will, waiting for Tyler's mom. We got to the hospital at 6:20, and my contractions were consistently getting more intense, and baby's heart rate was still decelerating with each one. Luckily, he was recovering quickly between contractions, but since the most likely problem was a pinching in the cord, he needed to be born. I had progressed to an 8, and at the suggestion of the attending nurse, we decided to break my water.

When the doctor broke my water, there was meconium in it which is another risk factor, and baby really needed to be born now. Unfortunately, the doctors wanted me to labor on my back or side which made the contractions infinitely more painful. I asked if I could move to my hands and knees on the bed, and they didn't really want me to, but I had the strongest impression that I really needed to be on my knees. My mom and Ty and a nurse helped me turn over, and it felt so much better. The contractions were still intense, but I felt like I could cope better. I stayed that way through one contraction, and when the next came, I felt the urge to push, but the Spirit told me to wait. I know that I was only able to progress those last few centimeters because I followed the Spirit and changed positions, and if I had pushed during that contraction, the baby would have been in distress until another contraction had come so I could push him out.

I turned back over to my back at the insistence of the doctors, and when the next contraction came, I pushed three times, and he was born. The cord was wrapped around his head almost like a set of headphones which was why he'd had the decels as he descended. It was so fast and chaotic, but we were all glad that he came quickly and without the need for surgery. It was 7:36 am, barely more than an hour since we had arrived. They set the baby on my chest and worked to get him to cry. He did cry, and I delivered the placenta with no complications and no hemorrhage this time, so that was lovely. Unfortunately, because of the meconium, so he had to go to the NICU for a little while. He was 8 pounds 7 ounces and 21.25 inches long, and his weight was taken after he had pooped a couple of times. He’s almost a full pound heavier and over an inch taller than Will was at birth.

Tyler went with him, and I stayed in labor and delivery with my mom and Hailey and Eve. It was strange not to have my baby or Ty or Will with me. I felt sad without them. Ty and I hadn't agreed on a name, so he was nameless and not with his mama for a couple of hours. We were finally able to visit the NICU after a little while, and baby's respiration was quite good, but there were no doctors or nurses in sight to release him, and I had to get checked in upstairs, so I left my husband and baby again. It was even worse to leave them the second time. Ty finally brought him in when it was 11ish, and I was finally able to breastfeed the baby and talk about names. I'll write another time about the meaning behind his name, but we decided to name him Simon Robert Johns. I love the name and the baby.

We felt good to go at that point, and we wanted a 12 hour discharge, but the pediatrician wouldn't agree to that due to the meconium. We looked over the against medical advice forms, and I really wanted to go home to my own home and bed. The midwives at The Birth Center are always on call, and I felt like we would be in great hands with them. Ty even called our insurance to see if leaving AMA would cause a problem with our claim (it wouldn't). The hospital staff pretty much withdrew care when we mentioned that we might leave earlier than suggested. It was actually nice to have a break from the constant interruptions, but it was also concerning because no one was taking vitals or monitoring anything, and no one ever actually laid out the risks of going home early until Tyler pressed the nurse for an answer. We ultimately decided that I would stay with Simon and my mom would be backup, so Ty could go home and be with Will overnight in order to disrupt his life as little as possible. We felt kind of bullied into staying, and I think we'd have been fine, but Ty is naturally risk averse, and we decided that I might be able to rest better and take better care of Simon without worrying about Will too.

We live so close to the hospital that Ty actually went home and napped for a couple of hours in the afternoon before coming back to the hospital. I was able to nap off and on which was nice, but I think my mom was up for most of 24 hours without rest. She's amazing, and I'm so grateful to have her as part of my birth team and cheerleading section in general. It's been so nice to have her support. So far, Simon has been a much sleepier newborn than his older brother (who seriously never slept), but we still had a tough first night, and I wouldn't have survived without my mom.

Through the night (from about 2 am-4 am), Simon’s respiration rate was high. Because of the meconium in the fluid that puts him at risk for pneumonia if paired with a fever or other symptoms. Simon didn’t have any other symptoms, thank goodness, and by 6 am, his rates were normal and healthy. I wasn’t worried about his respiration through the night because he was crying a lot and was struggling to breastfeed during the times when the nurses were checking his vitals, and that obviously makes the rate higher, but the on call pediatrician didn’t seem to care about circumstances or anything else we had to say. She wanted to keep Simon another 24 hours even though my mom is a birth assistant who has neonatal resuscitation credentials and medical training and was going home with us, and we have access to a midwife who is on call 24/7 who can better support our care since she actually knows us and is willing to come to our house if needed.

As I thought and prayed about it, I felt comfortable with the decision to go home. We had to sign an AMA form, but I was not impressed with the pediatrician. She did not explain any risks we were assuming, nor did she tell us what to look for in Simon as warning signs that we needed to return to the hospital. It was an experience that assured me again that as William and Simon’s parents, Ty and I are the ones who ultimately have the stewardship over their health and well-being. I think it’s too bad that so many doctors are unwilling to really listen to parents or even try to understand their perspective. (I know there are good ones too. I just didn’t happen to come in contact with any through this experience). So we took our baby away from the hospital against medical advice, and I have to say: I feel so much better being at home. Simon is breathing really well. We’ve gotten more rest. Will gets to be with us. And I don’t see any downsides to our decision. I’m so grateful that we have the Spirit to help us make these decisions because otherwise, I think this would have been another depressing day in the hospital rather than a chance to be all together as a family and start recovering from an intense birth.

Overall, our outcomes were good, but this birth was nothing like the home birth I had pictured. It was fast and furious and pure chaos, but Simon has such a sweet and relaxed personality which has made the experience sweeter. The highlight was definitely when Will came to meet his brother. I wasn't sure how much he understood about the baby brother in my belly being an actual human, but as soon as he came in the hospital room, he knew his brother and was enamored with him. He didn't want anyone else to have a turn holding him, and he was so sweet with him. It melted my heart and made the train wreck of the morning worth it.

This was not the birth I wanted or had planned, and that's been hard and emotional, and I'm sad about it which is okay. It doesn't mean I don't love my baby or that I'm not grateful for hospitals and medical professionals, but I'm allowed to be sad, and I am. I'm counting my blessings that Simon is doing well and was born without surgery. I'm humbled that he was released from the NICU relatively quickly. I'm so glad I didn't need an epidural, so I could walk around immediately and feel ready to go right away. Most of all, I'm grateful for constant promptings from the Spirit that brought Simon safely here. My heart is truly overflowing.

FAQs at 39 Weeks

How are you?

Tired. Excited. Sick of being pregnant.

Are you dilating at all?

The Birth Center doesn’t do routine cervical checks since it’s not an accurate indication of when the baby will born and can actually hinder the natural process of dilation and effacement, so I have no idea. I’m just letting my body do its thing.

Have you had a lot of contractions?
Nope. None. I'm trying not to be discouraged by this, but aside from millions of Braxton Hicks that aren't intense enough to even draw my attention, there have been no contractions to speak of.

When is your due date?

March 18th is my due date. It feels like a million years away.

When will you be induced?

The Birth Center also doesn’t do traditional induction. If I get to almost 42 weeks, I’ll do some natural and homeopathic things to try to bring on labor. If the baby isn’t born, I’ll have to transfer to a hospital for traditional induction.

Were you early or late with Will?

Will was born right on his due date, so I feel like I have no frame of reference for whether this baby will be early or late. It’s more maddening this time around for some reason.

How do you think Will will do when the baby is born?

A couple of months ago, I was terrified of the prospect of WIll’s adjustment to life with a sibling, but I’m actually feeling cautiously optimistic now. He loves babies, and he talks about baby brother all the time. He’s also started asking to hold babies and kiss them, and he loves to get the baby’s diapers out of the dresser for me too. I know it won’t be totally smooth, but I’m feeling positive and hoping we have more happiness than tears.

If you need me, I'll be over here, bouncing on my exercise ball, sipping my red raspberry leaf tea, and praying this baby comes soon.

Snuggles with Will

Snuggling during a movie

The last two months have been kind of rough on the mom front. Will has been clingy and more needy than usual, and I have been more uncomfortable and less patient than usual. Will was going through this awesome phase where he wouldn’t let anyone except for me help him with anything which was less than fantastic since I have a lot of willing helpers in my life who Will would not accept any help from. I’m sure his little self can sense the big changes on the horizon. We talk about baby brother all the time, and he loves to check on him at the Birth Center and feel him move. It’s just been kind of a struggle, and it’s definitely been a long couple of months, but the last two weeks, my sweet, helpful, happy toddler has reappeared!

Will is normally a very active kid. He naturally skips when he’s walking because he’s just a bouncy little person. He loves to give hugs and kisses on his own terms, but he’s not much of a snuggler anymore. He just has too many things to do. The last couple of weeks though, he has asked me on an almost daily basis for “Mama snuggles.” It melts my heart. It doesn’t usually last more than a minute or two, but it has melted my heart every time. He is such a sweetheart, and I love that he wants to connect with me physically. It’s really made me realize that I am going to miss these days of having my attention focused on one little person rather than divided.

I’ve been so busy being tired of being pregnant and excited to meet this next little man that I haven’t taken much time to grieve the changes that are inevitably coming into my world on the Will front. I know that so much joy awaits us, but it also breaks my heart a little bit, and I know that that’s okay. I want to enjoy and soak up this time with Will without wishing it away as much as I really am tired of being pregnant. I have an amazing toddler here already, and I want to love on him as much as possible for as long as he’ll let me.

Yesterday morning, Will woke up at 6 am which is not his norm. He usually goes down at 8 and wakes up between 8:30 and 10 the next morning, so when I went into his room, he was still groggy. He reached up and said, “Rock with Mama? Snuggle? Sing songs?” I started to cry as I tried to find a way for us to snuggle around my rather large belly and rocked him and sang songs with him for 20 minutes or so before he went back to sleep. It was a moment that I really got to cherish despite the fact that I was exhausted and my body is sore thanks to the whole nine-months-pregnant thing.

I don’t want to miss any opportunities for the precious one-on-one time I have left with Will. He’s such a sweet kid, and as excited as I am to see him with his baby brother, I’m going to miss our little love bubble with just the two of us. So if you need me over the next week or so (or until our baby decides to come), I’ll be snuggling my first born.

I Am So Tired

Some fun on Trax. Will was in heaven.

I don’t remember being this uncomfortable at the end of my pregnancy with Will, and I don’t remember it being so hard to get enough sleep. Maybe it was, and my brain is being merciful by not remembering, or maybe this pregnancy has been so different from the last one that I am seeing more and more discrepancies than similarities. My pregnancy pillow is doing nothing to help with the discomfort of trying to sleep, and baby’s most active time is usually from 10 pm to about 2:30 am. It’s distracting above all else, but I know from my experience with Will’s birth that I’ll actually miss feeling the kicks and wiggles of this little guy once he’s born.

I’m looking forward to this baby’s birth. I know that labor is challenging, but I also know that it results in a sweet little baby. I’m so excited to see his face and kiss his head and argue with Tyler about his name. I can’t wait to introduce him to his big brother. I love this baby so much, and Will has been especially interested in all things “baby brother” this week which warms my mommy heart to bursting and results in a cry fest.

I’ve been a basketcase the last few days. It’s like my eyes are always primed and ready to cry at any time. Will does something adorable? Tears. The baby moves in a surprising way? Tears. I’m out of cookies? Tears. I’m tired? Tears. Will takes his first train ride? Tears. My sister gets home from her mission? Tears. It takes Will 45 minutes to eat his little bowl of breakfast? Tears. Driving home in the dark, and Will is singing the Hundred Acre Wood song in the back seat? Tears. It’s just my natural response to everything. The crying response seems more heightened this time around too.

I’m having a hard time with the waiting game this time. When we were waiting for Will’s birth, I was excited, but I wasn’t in a hurry for him to be born. I think there was a little undercurrent of fear in the face of the responsibility of parenthood. But this time, there’s no avoiding that because I’m already a mom, and I know that along with the stress and exhaustion and struggle of parenthood, there is true beauty and grace and so much love that you wonder if you can bear it. I already have that everyday, and I know that my heart will somehow expand to envelope this little person as well. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the opportunity to be a mother to another little human, and I am looking forward to it even though I know that I have many more sleepless nights and a postpartum recovery ahead of me.

Basically, I’m tired and tired of waiting for the baby’s birth even though I know logically that I probably have at least two weeks before this baby makes his debut. In the meantime, I’m trying to soak up as much one on one time with Will as I can and not drive everyone around me to insanity with my illogical concerns and incessant crying.