I Am So Tired

Some fun on Trax. Will was in heaven.

I don’t remember being this uncomfortable at the end of my pregnancy with Will, and I don’t remember it being so hard to get enough sleep. Maybe it was, and my brain is being merciful by not remembering, or maybe this pregnancy has been so different from the last one that I am seeing more and more discrepancies than similarities. My pregnancy pillow is doing nothing to help with the discomfort of trying to sleep, and baby’s most active time is usually from 10 pm to about 2:30 am. It’s distracting above all else, but I know from my experience with Will’s birth that I’ll actually miss feeling the kicks and wiggles of this little guy once he’s born.

I’m looking forward to this baby’s birth. I know that labor is challenging, but I also know that it results in a sweet little baby. I’m so excited to see his face and kiss his head and argue with Tyler about his name. I can’t wait to introduce him to his big brother. I love this baby so much, and Will has been especially interested in all things “baby brother” this week which warms my mommy heart to bursting and results in a cry fest.

I’ve been a basketcase the last few days. It’s like my eyes are always primed and ready to cry at any time. Will does something adorable? Tears. The baby moves in a surprising way? Tears. I’m out of cookies? Tears. I’m tired? Tears. Will takes his first train ride? Tears. My sister gets home from her mission? Tears. It takes Will 45 minutes to eat his little bowl of breakfast? Tears. Driving home in the dark, and Will is singing the Hundred Acre Wood song in the back seat? Tears. It’s just my natural response to everything. The crying response seems more heightened this time around too.

I’m having a hard time with the waiting game this time. When we were waiting for Will’s birth, I was excited, but I wasn’t in a hurry for him to be born. I think there was a little undercurrent of fear in the face of the responsibility of parenthood. But this time, there’s no avoiding that because I’m already a mom, and I know that along with the stress and exhaustion and struggle of parenthood, there is true beauty and grace and so much love that you wonder if you can bear it. I already have that everyday, and I know that my heart will somehow expand to envelope this little person as well. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the opportunity to be a mother to another little human, and I am looking forward to it even though I know that I have many more sleepless nights and a postpartum recovery ahead of me.

Basically, I’m tired and tired of waiting for the baby’s birth even though I know logically that I probably have at least two weeks before this baby makes his debut. In the meantime, I’m trying to soak up as much one on one time with Will as I can and not drive everyone around me to insanity with my illogical concerns and incessant crying.