It’s been an amazing month with adding Simon to our family and the adjustment that has entailed. The person who has been affected most directly is obviously Will. For Tyler and I, the adjustment has been pretty smooth. We feel like we have more of a clue as to how to be parents this time around than we did with Will, and that’s been empowering. Of course, having a newborn is always exhausting, but it hasn’t rocked our world the way it did with Will. This could be because Simon is more easy-going than Will, but whatever the reason, adding Simon to our world has been pretty great.
The person who has been most affected has definitely been Will. Going from the center of our world to sharing that space has really rocked his world. Luckily, he hasn’t taken that out on Simon. In fact, he adores Simon. He regularly has meltdown when I won’t let him pick Simon up by himself or hold him every second of every day or wake him up whenever he feels like it.
What Will has struggled with is that I am no longer at his complete disposal all the time. Now that it’s been a month, he’s doing better, but the first two weeks were a serious battle. He was especially jealous when I would nurse Simon. Even though Ty and I were trying to be really intentional about spending one on one time with Will every day, he was still a disaster. He was acting out and being really contrary and having emotional breakdowns at every turn. It was exhausting and frustrating, but my overwhelming feeling was actually sympathy.
Watching Will struggle so much has been the hardest aspect of my postpartum experience this time around. I’ve recovered really well and quickly physically. I haven’t felt depressed or even had the blues. But my heart keeps breaking for Will. It breaks when he asks me if he can nurse or if he can snuggle with me while I’m rocking Simon to sleep. I want to cry when I tell him I’ll help him in a minute and he starts crying and asking for his daddy. It’s been really hard. In a lot of ways, it has felt like having Simon has made me a worse mom to Will.
I know that’s not the reality and that this is a period of adjustment that won’t last forever, but it has been really hard on my mommy heart. In a lot of ways, I miss being Will’s one and only. I miss being able to give all my attention to one little human. I wouldn’t change our life for anything; I love Simon, and I’m so glad he’s here, but I finally understand why people choose to have one child and leave it at that. Both of my boys are important to me and fill my heart-- I just want to be real about the fact that it’s been really hard. I’ve never been so frustrated with Will before, and then I’m angry with myself for being so frustrated with a toddler who is just beginning to learn about emotion regulation and sharing and love and family.
When Simon was born, I thought that I would want to spend the first day just with him and Ty and no one else. I was surprised when, just minutes after Simon’s birth, my thoughts turned to Will. My heart ached for him to be with us. I wanted to snuggle and kiss him and introduce him to his brother. It was almost as hard for me to wait for my mother-in-law to bring Will to the hospital as it was to wait for Simon to be released from the NICU and brought back to me. Each of my boys holds an important place in our family and my heart, and I am so grateful to have them both. I just didn’t realize that my heart was going to feel so bruised while it stretches and grows to find its new normal.
Today, Will wanted to be held all. day. long. It was exhausting. Not only is it physically exhausting to hold a toddler constantly, but it’s emotionally draining to have him pulling on me, asking me to pick him up when I’m trying to keep our household together and take care of an infant on top of addressing Will’s needs. When I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated this afternoon, I turned on some music, and Will and I ended up waltzing around the kitchen and living room. It started as an effort to stop his whining, and it ended with us giggling and then snuggled up in the rocking chair.
It’s hard for me to take the time to sit down and snuggle with Will. So much of my time lately is dominated by snuggling Simon while I nurse him or put him down for a nap, and when I am not doing one of those things, I don’t really want to be sitting and sharing my body with another tiny person, especially because said tiny person seems to be extremely gifted in the department of smashing his body into the most sensitive parts of my body. I’m glad that I can hold him though. I’m grateful that I don’t have to go back to work following Simon’s birth. I am overwhelmed by the complexity of motherhood and the fact that I can be so full of love that my heart aches and simultaneously want to shut myself in the bathroom and never interact with my toddler again.
I guess that’s life though. It’s beautiful and messy and exhausting and fulfilling. I’m glad this is my life. I just think there is power in transparency, and in the interest of being honest, this has been a really hard transition on the Will front. I’m glad it’s getting better, and it feels like I can see the light at the end of a long, emotionally-fraught tunnel because I really love this crazy, wonderful two-year-old, and I really love being a mom.
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