Ty-Dye (As In Tyler and Tie Dye)

This is the only tie dye picture I could
find, and it was obtained through
Facebook stalking.
(It's allowed when you're married to
the person you're stalking).

Right around the beginning of September (before Tyler and I were dating), I was headed over to hang out at Tyler's apartment with his roommate, Robert. I spent a lot of my time at their apartment, and I was good friends with all of the men who lived there. It was not uncommon for me to spend a higher percentage of my time at their apartment even before Tyler and I were dating. It was relatively late, and I had changed from what my mom used to call "school clothes" into "play clothes." These consisted of a tie-dye t-shirt and soccer shorts. When Rob saw me, he said, "Tie dye, huh? You should ask Tyler Johns about tie dye."

I did and learned that Tyler had done some serious tie dying the summer before his senior year of high school and had then worn a different tie dye shirt (there were five of them) every day of that school year (including Prom). He was tired of deciding what to wear every day, so he simplified his life by having a perfect system. Each shirt had his initials and a day of the week written inside the collar. He had no way of knowing that the next summer, I would decide that tie dye was the coolest thing ever and tie dye various articles of clothing to wear to soccer practice. I was so obsessed with tie dye that I hosted a tie dye party, and my whole family made tie dye shirts together. It was a blast! Our tie dye also made us easy to spot as triathlon spectators and kept us together in Disneyland. I guess it was some sign from the universe that people who tie dye are awesome and should marry each other.

When I learned about Tyler's tie dye experience, my heart melted a little. It was a way for him to be different. He set his own trend. A group of his friends even planned a "Tyler Johns Day" when everyone wore tie dye. People look up to Tyler and respect him. He's kind and considerate, and I swear he can make friends with anyone. He also loves to do secret service. He gets really excited and gets the most wonderful smile on his face. His happiness is infectious as well as his laughter. For some reason, hearing about Tyler’s tie dye made me so happy. When we were engaged, Tyler gave me his Friday tie-dye shirt. It’s one of my favorite articles of clothing. It’s a piece of Tyler from his teenage years that I get to have now. It also gave me a peek into his adolescence.

Friday Ty-Dye shirt!
(and overalls because they're
awesome)

Tie dye may seem like a silly thing to confirm your choice of companion, but that’s what it did for me. My abundance of tie dye clothes has always been a conversation starter, but I had no idea that I would marry someone who was able to use tie dye to open up conversations and make friends. Tyler is incredible. I’ve never known anyone more kind and thoughtful and fun than he is. Everyday I wake up amazed that Heavenly Father put us together. Tyler has so many talents and strengths that I don't possess. It's a wonderful feeling to know that he fills in my gaps and makes me a better person. He loves me so well and so fully.

A Lesson In Breadmaking

Shortly after Tyler and I got married, I started making homemade bread for us. It’s cheaper for us to make it than to buy it, and I like to bake, so it seemed like a good option. I was raised by a mother that believed that cooking is a valuable skill that everyone should learn. I had my dad’s favorite cookie recipe memorized when I was thirteen, and I have known how to proof yeast since about that same time. However, when I started making bread every few weeks, I learned quickly that I was far from an expert in the bread department, and I was frustrated.

Tyler was a good sport, as always, and he ate the bread, but it was dry and not delicious. It was very aggravating for me, but I also felt like I had done everything right, so I didn’t know how I could make it better. I blamed the failed bread on various things such as the low temperature of our house and the fact that I didn’t have dry milk, so I was using a substitute. Tyler wondered if it was the recipe, but I had tasted heavenly bread from that recipe that my mom had made. Needless to say, I was exasperated.

I'd just like to pause in my story for a minute to explain a few things. I love bread. A lot. I love it more than dessert. I am of the opinion that delicious, well-made bread can change lives and lift hearts. I also don't like failing. Most people don't, but I especially do not like to feel like a failure in the kitchen. I love to cook and bake and make deliciousness, and I'd like to think I'm pretty competent, so this bread was seriously getting on my nerves and facilitating extreme frustration.

Finally, a few weeks ago, I decided to stop making excuses. Obviously, this bread struggle was my own. I determined to make an amazing batch of bread or destroy the kitchen in the process. It was a Saturday, and we didn't have anything to do until quite late at night, so I dedicated my whole day to the pesky bread. I ended up relearning a lesson I've been learning all my life.

Here's a copy of the text I sent to my mom after the bread came out of the oven: "After being married for five and a half months, I made delicious bread today. My secret? I didn't rush the process. How is it that I am still learning that lesson everyday??? The only consolation is that I have an amazing partner that is the best possible teacher for that." I should clarify by saying that I am not an inherently impatient person. I actually am quite patient in some circumstances, but simultaneously, I am constantly looking ahead to the future. I've always been fascinated by what comes next whether that be in life, my day, or even my baking. This is not always a good trait. While sometimes it pays to be thinking ahead and planning, sometimes it filches the joys and wonder of the present.

I was especially bad at this as a teenager. I was always wishing I could just move on with life, and as far back as I can remember, I have had the five years after graduation from high school planned out almost to the month. I'm sure that a lot of the time Heavenly Father was just thinking, "Don't rush me, Ash. I know best." The thing is, my life now was not part of the plan. It's so much better than I could have dreamed. So naturally, after having all my careful planning upended, I thought my lesson had been learned. Evidently not. Maybe I read into my bread making more than I needed to, but I really believe that Heavenly Father was sending me a little reminder not to rush Him or His plan. He knows best, and I know that. Sometimes I just need to be slowed down, and apparently, using bread as an object lesson was a perfect way to communicate the message this month.

I'm still learning this virtue of being still and recognizing the beauty and joy of the moment every single day. It's a really good thing that I married Tyler. He is such an amazing example. He is so good at knowing when we should plan and when it's okay to just snuggle and whisper and play and not worry about our life in twenty years (and yes, I am prone to do that). I'm so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man. He is constantly teaching me wonderous and beautiful things. So folks, don't rush the process, and you may end up with some delicious homemade bread (and a heap of blessings too)!

Please Excuse the Waterworks

Daddy and Me

When I met Tyler, he introduced me to a tv show called Psych. I thought it was really funny, but the first time I saw Gus crying and heard his explanation I thought, No way. This cannot be real. In the show, Gus proclaims to be a sympathetic crier. I'm hear to tell you that I am living proof that that is a real thing.

I'll never outgrow this lap.

I am a sympathetic crier. I am also a simple crier. I cry for every emotion: sadness, anger, happiness, being overwhelmed, feeling spiritually moved, and pretty much every other emotion under the sun. I don't mind crying. I actually enjoy it in an absurd way. It makes me feel more relaxed and cleansed. I’m not ashamed of being an emotional person, and Tyler says it’s even attractive, but there is a certain sense of self-preservation that I have adopted in response to my overactive tear ducts. That self-preservation has kept me away from my blog for the past little while.

It seems like no matter what I want to write about, this flood of overwhelming emotions attacks me, and my brain is like, “Aaaaah! Just ignore it. Don’t write. We cannot handle another emotional breakdown right now!” I’ve decided to ignore that voice. The truth is, being able to cry is important for me just like some people think it’s important to exercise. (I’m still fighting that ideology).

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad the last few days, and I’ve found myself feeling really emotional, even more than normal. I couldn’t even bring myself to write this post or post a picture of him for Fathers Day for fear that I would dissolve into a puddle. I think that for most little girls, her dad is her first hero and her first prince. My dad is no exception. He understands and knows me in a way that is uniquely...fatherish. I idolized him when I was really little, and after a brief break in my adoration (from ages 12 to 14), I was back to thinking he’s pretty much the coolest guy around (with the exception of Tyler, of course).

When I was teeny tiny, my dad would tell people to ask me why I was so cute. They would humor him, and my response was, “Good genetics.” My dad trained me to say that as soon as I could talk, so naturally when Tyler romantically asked me why I was so beautiful after we started dating, I said, “Good genetics” and then felt embarrassed and proud of my dad’s brainwashing skills simultaneously. Needless to say, my dad has a great sense of humor.

Apparently, he isn't the only one
with a sense of humor.

My dad also instilled in me a love of literature and deep thinking. My mom facilitated those things as well, but my dad is the one that pushed classics such as The Scarlet Letter, Frankenstein, The Poisonwood Bible, and Edgar Allen Poe’s literary collection into my hands. Of course, after I read, we had to rehash and discuss and learn together. Books were sometimes the only things we agreed on, and that was okay because my dad also taught me (with my mom’s help) that you can disagree with someone and still love and respect them. When I was five years old, my dad read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone out loud to Hailey and me. I was enthralled. I had to remind myself later when I was sobbing as I continued on the Hogwarts Express, that he did that because he loved me and not because he wanted to introduce a literarily induced pain into my life. Little did I know that about seven years later he would plop a pile of books no twelve year old could read onto my bed in order to pull me out of a sappy Mormon romance novel phase. Thanks Dad, I owe you one.

This is after the tradition of running
through the finish together as a family.

Fathers Day has had me thinking a lot about my dad, but I also just spent three days with his mom and sisters, and that was thought provoking as well. My dad isn’t the same little boy that they tell stories about, but some aspects of his life are the same. He still loves adventure and teasing, and he’s a cowboy deep down. He loves to be outside and to challenge himself mentally, physically, and spiritually. He knows how to work hard, and he taught me that if there is work to be done, I would do well to put my energy into it. He set an example of serving other people, even if that means not being able to finish his own projects or do what he wants to be doing. He also showed me how women should be treated. He treats my mom like a goddess, and I have never doubted his love for her. From watching the way he adores my mom, I knew what kind of man I wanted to marry, and I found him.

Girls Camp
My dad has been to even more than I have.
(P.S. This was some fun first aid certification).

He’s also a spiritual giant. He isn’t the kind of guy that will boast about the callings he’s had or brag about his understanding of the gospel, but he has one of the firmest testimonies I have ever heard. Through the years I have received countless blessings from him. I’ve always known that I could rely on my dad being worthy and prepared to exercise the priesthood when I was in need whether that be for AP tests, sickness, heartbreak, or clarity. I asked my dad for a blessing the morning of my wedding. It was a tender and precious moment, especially knowing that my dad was going to be handing me over to Tyler in just a few short hours. My dad was always protective of me, and when he told me that he was happy for me and approved my decision, I felt so validated.

Another thing I really respect about my dad is that he is unashamed of displays of emotion. I have probably seen my dad cry just as many times as I’ve seen my mom. He even cried at my junior prom while my mom just smiled. It’s no wonder I have leaky eyes! Despite his emotional nature, he always swore he wouldn’t cry at my wedding, and he’d do cartwheels instead. He did cry at my wedding, but he also did a cartwheel. :) Thanks for all the lessons, Dad. I love you infinity and beyond. I’ll always be your Littlefoot.

Fulfilling his promise

P.S. When I picture my nuclear family,
the one I grew up with, this is how I see it.
 These are my dearest friends.

Also, thanks Dad. Making you cry with my simple tribute via picture caption on Facebook reminded me that I need to write, if only to keep making you cry. :)

Life Is All About Choices

It seems like the answer to everything I said as a youth was the same-- “Life is all about choices.” Me: “I should not have eaten that twelfth piece of cheesecake.” Mom: “Life is all about choices.” Me: “I don’t know where to go to college.” Mom: “Life is all about choices.” Me: “I’m exhausted.” Mom: “Life is all about choices.” Me: “I can’t decide what to wear.” Mom: “Life is all about choices.” Anyway, you catch my drift. Sometimes that response was really frustrating, and my brain was saying, “Seriously Mom! Can’t you just give me the answer!” Imagine my surprise when I finally realized she had been giving me the answer the whole time.

The truth is, life is all about choices. My life is a compilation of the choices I’ve made. I chose to go to South Summit High School. I chose to take piano lessons. I chose to be obedient to my parents and become their friend. I chose to marry Tyler instead of serve a mission. Even simple things like choosing to wake up on time can define your day, and eventually your life. Is that too intense? Maybe it is. I do think it’s true though.

My mom has a lot of wisdom. She’s the smartest woman I know. She doesn’t have a college degree, but if I have a question, I know she can answer it. She has always shown me that I am important to her, and she always expressed (and expresses) her gratitude and love for me when I talk to her. When I was in seventh grade, my best friend moved away. It was devastating. It’s the first time I really remember feeling alone. I had been alone before that, but it never seemed like a big deal until after Kayla moved. I guess it’s because I had finally glimpsed real, true friendship and companionship for the first time, and my dramatic twelve-year-old self felt like that was all gone after my best friend moved. Anyway, it was hard, and I felt like no one liked me. Even after I found another group of friends to hang out with, I didn’t hang out outside of my house very much.

At that point, I noticed something. All of a sudden, my whole family was staying home on Friday nights. My parents weren’t going on dates without the kids as much, and my siblings hung closer to home. We made a tradition of watching a movie accompanied by popcorn and muddy buddies. It wasn’t until I was older, that I realized that my parents did that for me. They knew that I felt alone. They knew that I felt like no one wanted to hang out with me, so they made a point of choosing to spend time with me. I want to be a parent like that someday.

My mom headed up our slurpee run tradition. She always seems to know when I need her and when my heart is heavy. She’s my best friend and my hero. I’ve actually been composing this post in my head for several weeks, and now that I’m writing, it’s really just a jumble. I couldn’t write before because sometimes I really miss her. Even though I’m really happy, and I have a wonderful life, there are times that I just need my mom. There’s something really special about a mother’s relationship with her children that I don’t fully understand yet. It’s something that I don’t think I’ll be able to really grasp until I have children of my own, but my mom gave me a taste of that sacred, beautiful relationship by the way she has constantly loved and cared for me.

Even though I didn’t enter her life until she was 22, I feel like I know her better than almost anyone else does. I watched her love and serve everyone around her. I noticed when she was in pain with kidney stones or heartbroken for various reasons. I was a witness to her sickness every time she prepared to bring another child into the world. I saw her be a loyal friend and a wonderful visiting teacher. She taught me to be a woman, a wife, and a good person. Because of her, I know how to cook, play, serve, clean, sew, laugh, work, cry, and everything else. The truth is, everything I’ve learned has been facilitated by my mom’s love for me.  

My mom didn’t raise me alone though. My dad is an amazing person as well. I’ve never seen two people that work together as well as they do. I always felt safe in the comfort of my home growing up, and I knew that my parents loved each other intensely. It was the perfect example of what marriage should be. The best endorsement I ever got from my parents came on the morning of my wedding day when they told me that if they had picked my spouse for me, they could not have chosen anyone better for me than Tyler Johns. They’ve always supported me, but hearing them validate my life choices and my path brought more joy into my life than I could have even imagined.

My parents taught me to love the scriptures and to seek personal guidance from the spirit in everything I choose to do. The years that I was a misguided and melodramatic preteen were hard on our relationship, but my parents never failed to show me that they loved me even though I was making their job harder and putting undue strain on our relationship. My parents taught me to choose the right and to make choices that I wouldn’t regret. I think I turned out pretty okay, and I have my parents and other amazing mentors to thank for that, so when I am a parent, I will tell my own children that life is all about choices. My life is wonderful, and it is all about choices.

An oldie, but a goodie.
I'm a little tired of only using wedding
pictures on here.

Our Wedding Dress: A Tribute To My Grandma

It's my Grandma's birthday on April 27th. I've always felt close to my grandma, and she has a talent of making every child and grandchild she knows feel like they are her favorite. She loves the gospel, the Savior, and the temple. Hers was a beautiful example to grow up with. She is always putting the needs of others before herself, and she works so hard to keep in touch with everyone and show them that she loves them. She's a stellar cook, seamstress, cheerleader, teacher, visiting teacher, and friend.

I’ve always felt closely bonded to my grandma. I'm the baby that gave her the name “Grandma,” but I've felt even closer to her since I got married, and some of that has to do with our wedding dress. When I was fifteen, I was having a sleepover at her house and asking her about her wedding dress when, to my surprise, she asked me if I wanted to try it on. I was flattered, and after I saw it, I knew it was the most beautiful dress in the whole world. I asked her if I could wear it for my own wedding. I think she thought I would grow out of that fantasy, so she was at least a little bit surprised when I told her that I was going to marry Tyler and asked if I could wear her dress.

My grandma was smaller than me when she got married, but the dress fit me almost perfectly. It was classy and unique and it held a legacy that I wanted to perpetuate in my own life and marriage. The only adjustment we made was to the sleeves. They were originally really poofy, so my mom tamed them for my special day. My grandparents celebrated forty-four years of marriage just two days before I donned that special dress in order to celebrate my own wedding to my sweetheart.

My grandparents have not led an easy life. Like everyone, they have experienced heartbreak, depression, and frustration, but they have also found great joy, love, and the comfort of the spirit. Together they have weathered many storms and found comfort with each other and with the Savior. Even through the difficult struggles they have faced, they have set wonderful examples for their posterity, and no matter how hard their own lives got, they were always there to love and support me and teach me all kinds of lessons about being a Christlike person and a person of faith.

When my mom helped me put on that forty-four-year-old dress on my wedding day, I felt like I understood, at least in part, the love that my grandma has for The Lord, my grandpa, her children, her grandchildren, and everyone else in her life. I felt like, in a small way, I could feel her hopes and dreams and worries and anxieties from her own wedding day several years earlier. It was a precious and sacred experience, and I will always hold it close and treasure it in my heart.

Patsy Hewlett Goates is an amazing and courageous woman. She has taught many through her example and words, and I am one of the privileged that are able to call her Grandma. She has supported and loved me through my life, and I am truly blessed to be part of her posterity. The dress we both wore symbolizes so much. It symbolizes love, purity, covenants, hope, and happiness. My grandma has passed a legacy to me and to each member of her family that extends far beyond that of a timeless wedding dress, but I will be forever grateful to have been able to share that special symbol with her as well.

To read my grandpa’s perspective on this special dress and his tribute to this amazing lady, click here.

The Best Easter Yet

I love Easter. When I was living with my parents, Easter was characterized by cute decorations, colorful eggs, an exciting basket of goodies, and yummy candy. I also found that it was surrounded by gratitude, a Jesus wall, and meaningful lessons and discussions about the atonement. I am a little embarrassed to say that this year Easter snuck up on me. I guess that with impending finals and the general busyness of life, I just didn’t think about it. I was grateful for the LDS videos and #becauseofhim that started showing up on social media sites. It’s always nice to see something positive and uplifting on my news feed.

Tyler and I had another unique experience on Friday. We were able to attend Handel’s Messiah performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the Tabernacle on Temple Square. It was phenomenal. Music has such a strong ability to invite the spirit and convey messages of peace, hope, and redemption. There is no doubt in my mind that Handel was divinely inspired when he wrote that piece. It was almost three hours long, and by the time we got home, I was exhausted. I was shocked to find that the Easter Bunny had found our house a few days early.

Making plans for Easter was like having a root canal--there’s never a good time, and it’s not exactly pleasant. Tyler and I have awesome families, and in a lot of ways, that makes splitting time between them more difficult. Luckily everyone is understanding, and on Thursday night, we finally figured out our plans. My parents and siblings were coming to the valley on Saturday morning, so they elected to come hang out with us for the weekend. It was wonderful to have them with us in our two bedroom apartment. Thanks to some hand-me-down couches from my aunt and uncle, only two people (out of nine) had to sleep on the floor.

This is what happens when
you dare a 14-year-old to
stick his head out the window
like a dog.

On Saturday, the girls went to a bridal shower, and then all of us (except for Tyler) went shopping and moved our (sort of) new couches from Andrew and Jessica’s to our house. In an effort to give Tyler some peace so he could finish his homework and attend a bachelor party, we went shopping and ate dinner at J Dawgs. When we got home, the real fun began, at least for me. My mom was so generous and loaded us up with groceries, so we put the food away while the Easter Bunny went to work. Jonny was itching to hunt for eggs, and it was so cute to watch him. As soon as Tyler got home, we all went egg hunting in our back yard. I loved having my family there, but in some ways, it made me miss them more. Our egg hunt was a great success, and we topped the evening off with tons of candy, nachos, beef stick and cheese, popcorn, and What’s Up Doc? a classic that many of my siblings had not had the privilege of watching.

Sunday was a beautiful day. It was different to sit on the same bench as my siblings again. I have gotten used to just being a twosome more quickly than I thought I would. The lessons were good as usual, and Tyler got another calling, so we’re excited about that. Dinner was a lot fancier with my mom at the helm than when it’s just Tyler and me. We had a ham and delicious sides for dinner, but I did head up dessert which consisted of homemade ice cream and homemade cones (I told you I would use my pizzelle maker, Tyler!). It was a fun, busy, and full weekend. I was glad I could connect with my siblings. They are my dearest friends, and I love them so much.

After they left, and we were alone again, Tyler said that this was the best Easter yet. It was for me too. It is cliche to say that everything is better and happier and brighter once you’re married, but it’s also true. Since I married Tyler, I have an even stronger conviction that families are the best. It’s easier to understand why they are at the center of our Father’s plan. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me for many reasons, but one of those reasons is because I was led to Tyler Johns, and we are in the process of establishing our own eternal family. Inexplicable joy comes from that knowledge. I love him with my whole heart, and I love and miss my parents and siblings as well. They make life sweeter and my joy fuller.

The king of the egg hunt

I’m even more grateful for them when I recognize the atoning sacrifice of my Savior. #Becauseofhim I can be with those cute munchkins, my parents, and my love for eternity, and that is the best gift anyone has ever given me. I know that if I strive every day to do my best and become a better person, I can. I’m so grateful my Older Brother and for his sacrifice. That, more than anything, is the beauty of Easter.

Loneliness

As a teenager, I often felt like I was on my own planet. I was passionate and found causes and ideas in everything around me, and I felt like it was almost impossible to find someone that really understood the things that mattered to me. I was lonely and I craved deep and meaningful companionship. In the midst of these struggles, I found solace in a General Conference talk. I had heard it when it was given in April of 2009, but it helped me more specifically in March of 2011. I was having a sleepover with my sister, Hailey and my Uncle Jake and his family. My Aunt Heidi is a cosmetologist, so we were experimenting with updos for my upcoming prom when her bishop called and asked her to speak about the atonement in church the next day. While Heidi did my hair, I read conference talks to her, and the opening words of this talk struck my heart. Elder Holland says that his remarks are specifically directed towards “those who are alone or feel alone.”

As I read, Elder Holland’s words pierced my soul. I wasn’t literally alone, but I did feel alone. The comfort that came from reading this talk was complete. I knew that I was going to be okay and that even when it felt like no one understood, my Savior knew my heart, and he suffered the ultimate loneliness. I didn’t have to be alone. The timely reminder did not supply me with friends, but it did help me to rekindle my friendship with my older brother. Because of the special experience, when Easter comes around, I try to study the atonement both in my scriptures and from the words of prophets to help me to remember.

Even though this talk helped me, loneliness still crept back into my life. On one occasion, I was feeling abandoned, and the hymn “Where Can I Turn For Peace” reminded me which friendship never held abandonment. Other hymns and messages from latter-day prophets have comforted me, and I recognized them as tender mercies. I’m so grateful for the atonement and everything that my Savior has done for me. My relationship with Him is precious to me.

Even though I know these things, it’s sometimes a struggle to keep everything in perspective. Tyler and I moved to a nice basement apartment when we got married, and we love it. Sometimes, I feel lonely though. My friends are mostly single, and with being at school in the morning and working all afternoon, I don’t feel like I’ve really been able to make many friends in my new ward and neighborhood. It’s such an interesting struggle. I always thought that I was friendly, but I’m realizing that it’s hard for me to reach out and make friends.

The darkness has been very real in my life for the past few weeks, and Satan has been fighting to derail me. Some days he is more successful than others. One of the most effective ways that Satan discourages me is by convincing me that I am alone. If I feel alone and abandoned, I am more likely to give in to apathy, despair, and depression. Often, I have tried to convince myself that I don’t really need friends,  and I can do everything on my own. It isn’t true. I need My Savior, and I need friends, and I am going to be better.