Loneliness

As a teenager, I often felt like I was on my own planet. I was passionate and found causes and ideas in everything around me, and I felt like it was almost impossible to find someone that really understood the things that mattered to me. I was lonely and I craved deep and meaningful companionship. In the midst of these struggles, I found solace in a General Conference talk. I had heard it when it was given in April of 2009, but it helped me more specifically in March of 2011. I was having a sleepover with my sister, Hailey and my Uncle Jake and his family. My Aunt Heidi is a cosmetologist, so we were experimenting with updos for my upcoming prom when her bishop called and asked her to speak about the atonement in church the next day. While Heidi did my hair, I read conference talks to her, and the opening words of this talk struck my heart. Elder Holland says that his remarks are specifically directed towards “those who are alone or feel alone.”

As I read, Elder Holland’s words pierced my soul. I wasn’t literally alone, but I did feel alone. The comfort that came from reading this talk was complete. I knew that I was going to be okay and that even when it felt like no one understood, my Savior knew my heart, and he suffered the ultimate loneliness. I didn’t have to be alone. The timely reminder did not supply me with friends, but it did help me to rekindle my friendship with my older brother. Because of the special experience, when Easter comes around, I try to study the atonement both in my scriptures and from the words of prophets to help me to remember.

Even though this talk helped me, loneliness still crept back into my life. On one occasion, I was feeling abandoned, and the hymn “Where Can I Turn For Peace” reminded me which friendship never held abandonment. Other hymns and messages from latter-day prophets have comforted me, and I recognized them as tender mercies. I’m so grateful for the atonement and everything that my Savior has done for me. My relationship with Him is precious to me.

Even though I know these things, it’s sometimes a struggle to keep everything in perspective. Tyler and I moved to a nice basement apartment when we got married, and we love it. Sometimes, I feel lonely though. My friends are mostly single, and with being at school in the morning and working all afternoon, I don’t feel like I’ve really been able to make many friends in my new ward and neighborhood. It’s such an interesting struggle. I always thought that I was friendly, but I’m realizing that it’s hard for me to reach out and make friends.

The darkness has been very real in my life for the past few weeks, and Satan has been fighting to derail me. Some days he is more successful than others. One of the most effective ways that Satan discourages me is by convincing me that I am alone. If I feel alone and abandoned, I am more likely to give in to apathy, despair, and depression. Often, I have tried to convince myself that I don’t really need friends,  and I can do everything on my own. It isn’t true. I need My Savior, and I need friends, and I am going to be better.