A Grinchy Christmas Season

Gingerbread Houses this year

It's been a Grinchy few weeks. I normally love Christmas. I like to deck our halls and listen to holiday music and watch sappy holiday movies for months, but this year I'm having a harder time finding the joy. I always look forward to Christmas. I had all my shopping done by Halloween this year in an effort to focus on being present and joyful and having a shorter to-do list in the month of December.

Then we decided to buy a house. We were supposed to close on December 11th, but the sellers have had some issues, and we're now not going to close until January 8th at the earliest. But for a solid month, we thought we'd be in our first home for Christmas. I leapt into action, packing, purging, organizing. In my productive whirlwind, my children definitely started to feel ignored, so I scaled back, but still worked with a goal in mind, feeling so excited to be in my own home. Then we got the news about the delayed closing, and I was angry.

It was December 4th when we found out everything was delayed. I was upset. My apartment is virtually packed. I have limited kitchen and bathroom stuff out. Most of the toys are packed. My baby is sleeping in a pack n play surrounded by boxes in our extra kitchen. And now that had to be sustained for more than another month instead of a mere week. I was so angry that none of these issues were disclosed. I had felt so led to this house, and now it just wasn't coming together.

I complained to Ty that our Christmas was ruined. Instead of being together as a family in our first home, we are going to be in our tired basement apartment for the third time. There is going to be more snow when we move. We had to change plans with our landlords. It also meant another month without a garage which is kind of a big deal when you’re loading and unloading two small children in the snow. I had just gotten to a peaceful place in my heart about leaving this community I’ve loved so much. I was moving forward instead of being sad about all we're leaving. And then I had to take two steps back.

After I cried and complained, I decided at least I could put up our tree and get out our stockings. I set up the tree, but it wasn't as joyful as some years. I decided not to put ornaments on it since Simon is so grabby and Will discovered that he loves to hide underneath and behind the tree. I went hunting for a stocking for Simon and couldn't find one I loved. We got out our train, but it’s stressful because my kids don’t know how to keep it on the tracks while they play with it. I haven't really been able to do the holiday baking I like to do because so much of my stuff is packed. I haven't had a very good attitude about it.

I got tickets to go to the zoo lights. My kids love the zoo. It’s one of their favorite places, and we’ve never been at Christmastime, so I thought it was a great idea. And the lights were amazing, but Will threw a fit for the first 20 minutes because he didn't want a coat or shoes, and he wanted me to hold him instead of being in the stroller. And even though he cheered up, and Simon loved it, it felt like a slap in the face. I already was feeling far from jolly and my attempt to do something different and fun ended up being a power struggle. (Incidentally, everything is a power struggle with Will these days).

A hard stage with Will combined with a beastly 8 month sleep regression and all the house drama has left me feeling utterly defeated and in a more downtrodden mental state than I’ve experienced in recent memory. This time of year has always been magical for me, especially since I’ve been married. Usually, I’m reminiscing on our courtship and the weeks leading up to our wedding, or I’m remembering when I was “great with child,” waiting for Will to be born. Those were truly beautiful and sacred times that I treasure, and it always has felt poetic that they coincided with the celebration of the Savior’s birth.

This year is a survival mode Christmas I guess, and it hurts my heart to realize that. What I’m realizing this month (again) is that mortal life isn’t always joyful and exciting even though we want it to be. Sometimes we just survive, and that’s okay. I’m still talking to my kids about Jesus. We’re still reading stories together and talking about what gifts we want to give and what our hopes are. We’re still playing “I Spy” everywhere we go, looking for the symbols of Christmas. There’s disappointment here, but there is joy too, and there can be both. So Merry Christmas, everyone. My heart already feels too large and heavy for my chest, so I don’t think I can bear for it to grow three sizes like the Grinch, but I’d settle for a little Christmas miracle to lift my spirits and make things a little less gray and a little more jolly.

FAQs at 39 Weeks

How are you?

Tired. Excited. Sick of being pregnant.

Are you dilating at all?

The Birth Center doesn’t do routine cervical checks since it’s not an accurate indication of when the baby will born and can actually hinder the natural process of dilation and effacement, so I have no idea. I’m just letting my body do its thing.

Have you had a lot of contractions?
Nope. None. I'm trying not to be discouraged by this, but aside from millions of Braxton Hicks that aren't intense enough to even draw my attention, there have been no contractions to speak of.

When is your due date?

March 18th is my due date. It feels like a million years away.

When will you be induced?

The Birth Center also doesn’t do traditional induction. If I get to almost 42 weeks, I’ll do some natural and homeopathic things to try to bring on labor. If the baby isn’t born, I’ll have to transfer to a hospital for traditional induction.

Were you early or late with Will?

Will was born right on his due date, so I feel like I have no frame of reference for whether this baby will be early or late. It’s more maddening this time around for some reason.

How do you think Will will do when the baby is born?

A couple of months ago, I was terrified of the prospect of WIll’s adjustment to life with a sibling, but I’m actually feeling cautiously optimistic now. He loves babies, and he talks about baby brother all the time. He’s also started asking to hold babies and kiss them, and he loves to get the baby’s diapers out of the dresser for me too. I know it won’t be totally smooth, but I’m feeling positive and hoping we have more happiness than tears.

If you need me, I'll be over here, bouncing on my exercise ball, sipping my red raspberry leaf tea, and praying this baby comes soon.

The Calm Before the Storm

Today feels like the calm before the storm. We've rarely had such a low key day. This morning around 11:30 we went and got our car key copied, I went to the store for groceries, and we got our washing machine fixed. This afternoon, I've been reading while Tyler intermittently does homework and naps. It seems crazy that with all the changes (and probable chaos) in our near future, we've spent the day mostly in our living room relaxing.

I'm not begrudging the much needed break from craziness, especially since we have been super busy leading up to Tyler's sister's wedding. It just seems surreal to be sitting in our quiet apartment, knowing that any day now our little boy could join us. Every time he kicks or moves I feel a little awed. Every life is so miraculous.

I don't think there's any way to really be prepared for all the emotions of the home stretch of pregnancy. The anticipation is almost crippling. I honestly don't know how much longer I can wait to hold and love on this baby. I feel ready for the intensity of labor in part because I know it's necessary in order for me to meet this little one I already adore, and I know that labor and delivery means not being pregnant anymore. As wonderful as pregnancy truly has been, I'm amazed by the brilliance of the timing of the whole gestational process. As of today, 40 weeks seems like the perfect amount of time to be pregnant before labor and delivery.

Our life is on the precipice of a giant shift. I know our life will never be the same, but I also know that I can't really even fathom how different things will be. I'm not convinced that you can ever be 100% prepared for the way having a baby will change your life. I don't think I ever will be. But I do feel like I have done my part to get ready for this baby to join our family, and I'm so excited for the changes coming our way. The contradiction of the situation hardly seems to matter. I wouldn't wish for things to be any different.

The Longest Weeks

I’ve always heard that the last few weeks of pregnancy are the longest, and that seems to be true. Although I’m trying to maintain a healthy perspective, the days of anticipation are dragging by one at a time. I have been grateful to not be in school though. It’s been so nice to be able to take it easy and not worry about class and homework. I’ve also been able to get more much-needed sleep. The sleep deprivation of the third trimester is no joke. We’ve also had a shift though because while I’m at home without a job or class to go to, Tyler has gone back to school and now he has to navigate his full time job and a master’s degree.

For the most part, I have really enjoyed being pregnant. It’s been miraculous to feel life grow within my body, and I have been fortunate to not have complications or even be too sick. Even considering all of that and my attempt at a good perspective, this last week has been the longest of my life. I’m so ready to be able to snuggle and love on this baby I already feel so close to and bonded with. I’m also looking forward to sleeping on my stomach again regardless of the length of the increments.

I’m just tired of waiting. I know there’s a natural time frame for the gestational process, but I’m ready for it to be over. Logically, I understand that my baby is safe in my womb. He’s comfortable and growing better there than he would in my arms. I also know that most women go past their due dates when they have their first baby, so logically I know that my baby could reasonably and safely come as late as February 6 even though my due date is January 23. Today I’m 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant. So even though the baby could come as late as the beginning of February, I know that he could also come anytime now.

Again I find myself learning patience. I know I’m going to be getting a lot of that through my experiences as a mom, and I now just have an early start on that. I get to keep playing the waiting game while I wait for this baby to make his grand entrance into the world. In the meantime, I’ll read books for fun, get more and more excited for the baby’s birth, and try not to drive myself crazy while I wait.

Where We Are

I feel like Tyler and I are in kind of an interesting place right now. He’s finishing up his last semester of college for his undergraduate degree, and I’m halfway through mine. He’s gearing up for graduate school (let’s face it, I am too), and we’re both working part time which is great. It just feels like we’re sort of in between. It’s like sometimes we aren’t really “big kids” yet, and other times I feel like we’re ancient. (I usually feel that way when I’m falling asleep at 7:00). We’re also anticipating a transition.

One of the top goals in our marriage has been to be debt free for as long as possible, more specifically, until we buy a house. We have been showered with blessings, and so far, we have been able to get through school and pay for our expenses without going into debt. With graduate school on the horizon though, it’s getting tougher, and school is not getting cheaper. With that in mind, Tyler has been job shopping with hopes of finding a full time job that can help us to be able to keep meeting our goals. He has some amazing opportunities looking up, and I’ll blog about those when we know what’s going on.

I’ve also been looking to move up. I still work at UVU, and I really love where I work, but the pay isn’t fabulous, and the tasks are pretty boring. I applied for another job in the same office that offers higher pay as well as three credit hour tuition waivers per semester and a more varied load of work. I have an interview on Tuesday, so that will be interesting.

On the threshold of change, I’m having a hard time identifying how I feel about it. It’s so wonderful to be moving forward and progressing, but it’s also daunting. I’ve never been very good at waiting, but now it seems like that’s what we’ll be doing. We’re waiting to hear about new job possibilities and Tyler’s immediate educational future. We’re waiting for summer to come. We’re waiting for this next phase of life. I keep learning that I need to be more patient which is always fun. But I’ve also been able to enjoy this journey more than any of the past “waiting periods” of my life, and that’s because I have the greatest partner. He works so hard, and I’m blessed to be part of his life and have him in mine.