Processing Simon's Birth

I'm still trying to process Simon's birth emotionally. It was so far from what I wanted it to be and how I thought it would go that I'm having trouble reconciling feelings of hurt and anger that hit me at unpredictable times. For the most part, I love having a baby. I enjoy the snuggles and the sweet Spirit that accompanies them. I like breastfeeding and rocking them. I like that when they're sad, a lot of times just holding them is all they need. I appreciate that as the mom, I'm usually their favorite human. But this newborn phase has been different in that I'm dealing with pent up feelings surrounding Simon's birth.

Lately I just keep thinking of things that I should have said to the doctors and nurses to advocate for myself and have a birth that at least resembled the birth I wanted to have. Then I'm filled with anger and despair because based on my experience, I'm not convinced anyone would have listened anyway. And I feel defensive and think about how it's really unfair and unrealistic for me to have to be advocating for myself when I was trying to birth a baby which is such an all-consuming process.

Mostly I'm upset that I didn't get to spend the first few hours of Simon's life skin-to-skin with him, soaking up the snuggles. And a secondary frustration is that I don't have any pictures of when I first met him. Our plan was that my sister, Hailey, was going to take pictures of Simon's birth, but when we ended up going to the hospital, she stayed at our apartment with Will until my mother-in-law could get there. There were plenty of people just standing around in the birth room, but none of them took a picture of Ty and I with our brand new baby. My mom, the only person who did take a picture, was anxiously engaged in the birth and couldn't get a picture for a few minutes.

I oscillate between overwhelming anger and profound sadness that leaves me in tears at random and inconvenient times. Thinking about the way my baby was whisked away before we could really enjoy physical connection and bonding makes my heart ache. And the fact that when he was brought back from being suctioned and evaluated, he was wrapped up and no longer available for skin-to-skin makes me angry. I did spend more time doing skin-to-skin later, but it wasn't the same as it would have been right away. I know that from past experience, and I feel robbed. It brings up the constant feeling I had throughout my hospital stay of being disregarded in my wishes and intuition as a mother which was a complete 180 from my experiences with The Birth Center, feeling constantly supported and validated as a human being and mother.

"Love at first sight. I've been looking through birth photos today,
and I just had to share this beauty from when #babywilliamclark
 was only minutes old. I can hardly believe that my heart can open
up to another baby as much as it did for Will, but I know it will.
I already love this new baby so much, and I can't wait to
 have another moment like this."

I came across this Instagram post the other day. Often when I'm nursing Simon, Will climbs into my lap, and we look through pictures from when he was a baby or through past Instagram posts. This post was so full of hope for Simon's birth. Of course it resulted in tears from me and questions from my toddler. Things didn't go the way I hoped.

It's hard to communicate all this when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't mean to minimize the miracles of Simon's birth- there were many. I'm not taking his health for granted. I'm disappointed that his birth and first day of life weren't as peaceful and empowering and beautiful as they could have been, and I know that from experience. I'm grateful once again for the wisdom and understanding of my midwives, one of which said, “Just because having a healthy baby is the most important thing doesn't mean it's the only important thing.” That wisdom has really helped me to have the permission I needed to feel such a wide range of emotions without comparing myself to others or minimizing my experience.

Eve, the midwife who stayed with us through Simon's birth, has been so helpful as I've processed my experience and grieved the loss of the birth I hoped for as well as the loss of the precious first few hours of Simon's life. I'm also grateful for an understanding mom who not only understands and loves me, but also loves and understands birth. I really appreciate friends and family who have let me talk through my experience without judgement as well. I love Simon. I'm so grateful that he arrived safely. I'm glad I have such a strong support system and outstanding postpartum care. I'm going to continue having to process and reconcile experiences with Simon's birth, but I'm grateful to not be doing it alone.

FAQs at 39 Weeks

How are you?

Tired. Excited. Sick of being pregnant.

Are you dilating at all?

The Birth Center doesn’t do routine cervical checks since it’s not an accurate indication of when the baby will born and can actually hinder the natural process of dilation and effacement, so I have no idea. I’m just letting my body do its thing.

Have you had a lot of contractions?
Nope. None. I'm trying not to be discouraged by this, but aside from millions of Braxton Hicks that aren't intense enough to even draw my attention, there have been no contractions to speak of.

When is your due date?

March 18th is my due date. It feels like a million years away.

When will you be induced?

The Birth Center also doesn’t do traditional induction. If I get to almost 42 weeks, I’ll do some natural and homeopathic things to try to bring on labor. If the baby isn’t born, I’ll have to transfer to a hospital for traditional induction.

Were you early or late with Will?

Will was born right on his due date, so I feel like I have no frame of reference for whether this baby will be early or late. It’s more maddening this time around for some reason.

How do you think Will will do when the baby is born?

A couple of months ago, I was terrified of the prospect of WIll’s adjustment to life with a sibling, but I’m actually feeling cautiously optimistic now. He loves babies, and he talks about baby brother all the time. He’s also started asking to hold babies and kiss them, and he loves to get the baby’s diapers out of the dresser for me too. I know it won’t be totally smooth, but I’m feeling positive and hoping we have more happiness than tears.

If you need me, I'll be over here, bouncing on my exercise ball, sipping my red raspberry leaf tea, and praying this baby comes soon.

Birth Quotes That Empower

My quotes
They are readable in person.

When I consider my experience giving birth to Will, the word that always comes to mind is empowerment. In the moments (and now over a year) after Will’s birth, I truly felt like I could accomplish anything. A huge piece of this empowerment goes to my incredible birth team who helped me have the experience that I wanted to have. I cannot credit The Birth Center enough. Their team is amazing, and their facility is pristine. I also credit The Bradley Method which is a class that offers so much information and teaches so many tools for navigating labor and delivery. I highly recommend it to anyone who is having a baby. But at the end of the day, I am the one who birthed my son (with the help of my Savior, as with everything).

I chose to have Will at The Birth Center without pain medication. I know that isn’t everyone’s choice, and I think it’s wonderful that I live in a place where I have so many options surrounding birth because that is not every woman’s experience. Whatever your plan or hopes are for your birth experience, here is a universal truth: birth is all consuming. It invades your body, mind, and spirit. One of the ways I prepared my mind for Will’s birth was with birth quotes that I collected and kept on my phone, but this time around I decided to have some of my favorite quotes occupy a physical space in my home, and I thought I would share them here for anyone who is interested.

Just a note, there are so many fantastic quotes about birth; these are just a few of my favorites. I strongly believe in the power of language, specifically inspiring, positive language, so that is what these quotes convey for me along with a beautiful sense of empowerment. They're not in any kind of order here.

“No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“Birth can empower you for the rest of your life. Welcome it, and let birth transform you.” -Ursula Sabia Sukink

“It is said that women in labor leave their bodies. They travel to the stars to collect the souls of their babies and return to this world together.” -Unknown

“A woman in birth is at once her most powerful and her most vulnerable. But any woman who has birthed unhindered understands that we are stronger than we know.” -Marci Macari

“Labor will hurt. Probably a lot. But whether this is negative is another matter. A laboring woman can be in a great deal of pain, yet feel loved and supported and exhilarated by the creative forces flowing through her body and her ability to meet labor’s challenges.” -Henci Goer

“The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you because it is you.” -Unknown

“Just as a woman’s heart knows how and when to pump her lungs to inhale and her hand to pull back from the fire, so she knows when and how to give birth.” -Virginia Di Orio

“I thought faith would be an epidural, taking away the pain and discomfort. But faith is more like a midwife-- a nurturing partner who leans into the discomfort with you and whispers, ‘Push and breathe, it’s supposed to hurt.’” -Brene Brown

“Although birth is only one day in the life of a woman, it has an imprint on her for the rest of her life.” -Justine Caines

“Birth is not neat and fast: it’s gritty and primal. But it’s nothing to fear. Unless you also think we ought to fear women crying when they are sad or laughing when they are happy.” -Mayim Bialik

“Empowerment, strength, individuality, passion, and joy are words that should be associated with birth for both mother and baby. It’s a journey to look forward to, not to fear. The process of leaving the womb and slipping into mama’s arms in one of life’s most magical, intense, and powerful transitions, and it should be given the respect and elation it deserves.” -Jill Diana Chasse

“There is a power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it; it simply invades them, accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it.” -Sheryl Feldman

“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers-- strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.” -Barbara Katz Rothman

“Imagine what might happen if women emerged from their labor beds with a renewed sense of the strength and power of their bodies and of their capacity for ecstasy through giving birth.” -Chistiane Northrup

“Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful...words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be- but cannot get without assistance.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth as well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.” -Ina May Gaskin

“Birth isn’t something we suffer, but something we actively do and exult in.” -Sheila Kitzinger

“We have a secret in our culture. It’s not that birth is painful-- it’s that women are strong.” -Laura Stavoe Harm

Birth Team minus my mom
(She took this picture).

William's Birth

William Clark Johns
7 lbs 10 oz 20 inches

On Thursday night (January 21) I got home from a church activity feeling pretty tired. Ty and I went to bed at about 10:30, and at 11:45 I woke up thinking I probably needed to pee. It only took me a few seconds to realize that I actually was having my first “real” contraction. (I'd had Braxton Hicks, but nothing very significant or intense).

Anyway, I went back to sleep because I didn't want to pay attention too soon or get myself excited if I was going to be in labor for a long time. Then I woke up again 10 minutes later. This went on for about an hour. At that point I woke up thinking I had peed a little. (Unfortunately that was a serious possibility. I had been losing bladder control little by little a day at a time). I got to the bathroom though and experienced a gush of fluid that I knew was amniotic fluid. I decided to shower and go back to sleep since it was 1 am and our strategy was to ignore labor as long as we could.

I decided not to wake Ty up since I wanted us both to be well rested for what was ahead, but when I got out of the shower, he was awake. He tried to go back to sleep but ended up rubbing my back and supporting me through the contractions which were about 6 minutes apart. I did text my midwife just to check in, and I texted my mom since she was going to attend the birth as well. Ty and I stayed in bed as long as we could, but by 6:30 I was feeling a little restless. We moved into the living room, and I kept laboring.

My mom got to our apartment at 7:30, and her presence was greatly appreciated. Ty was able to sleep for a few hours while my mom and I went on a walk and she helped me relax and breathe through contractions. Things seemed to be picking up, and I talked to my midwife. She recommended that I labor at home as long as possible which was our plan anyway, but since my water had broken, she decided that we needed to check in at The Birth Center at 1pm, 12 hours after my water broke.

When we got to The Birth Center, I was dilated to a 3. Katelin, the attending midwife, swept my membranes (some of them were still intact), and I was then at a 4. Because of the risk of infection when water has broken, we needed to get labor moving a little more. While Katelin was getting some herbs and homeopathics ready for that, I threw up my lunch. I was frustrated because I knew I needed the energy from the food to sustain me through labor. Also, I was shaking like crazy because of the hormones, and that was frustrating to me as well.

Anyway, Katelin brought me some castor oil in a smoothie which I drank and then threw up a few minutes later. Luckily I didn't throw up the homeopathics, and I kept laboring. I spent a little while in the shower, letting the water pound on my back which brought some relief, but I could feel myself fading a little bit at a time. It was around 3:30, and I was exhausted. This was a hard time for me. I had tried so hard to be prepared for the rigors of labor, and I had to face the fact that I was not really prepared. Even with the healthy perspective I had tried to maintain, I was wholly unprepared. At this point, I knew I had to surrender to the process. My prayers shifted as I asked God to guide my body and keep the baby healthy and safe.

After the stress in the shower, I tried to rest in the bed, and I got a little cat nap, but lying down was so uncomfortable that I felt like I had to get up. I ended up sitting backwards on the toilet for a while with my mom behind me rubbing my back and shoulders and Ty next to me holding my hand and talking me through the contractions. After a little while, I had lines on my legs from sitting on the toilet, and I felt really strongly that I wanted to be in the tub. I got into the tub just before 5, and the relief was amazing. The contractions were getting more intense, but the water made me feel lighter and rejuvenated.

Ty put his swimsuit on and sat on the edge of the tub behind me supporting my back and shoulders while my mom knelt outside of the tub and provided counter pressure on my knees. It worked for a little while, but when I started to feel the urge to push, I knew I needed to shift. I ended up on my knees with Ty holding my hands and talking me through everything while my mom, Katlin, and the birth assistant, Adrianna, were more at my hips and side. I pushed for a while, and even though everyone was offering encouragement and support, I hardly heard it. I was locked into my body, and aside from that I was really only aware of Ty as he held onto me and talked to me softly.

At one point, Katelin asked me if I wanted to feel the baby's head. Reaching down and feeling his wet, fuzzy head was miraculous. I felt emotional and relieved that I was making progress. After that, I focused in even more, knowing my baby was almost ready to come out and meet Ty and me. I pushed somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. I kept trying to picture our baby boy. As he was being born, Ty mentioned that he might move, so he could see the baby better when he was born, but I clung to him and asked him to stay right with me. I'm so glad he did. There is no way I could have given birth without him.

We had arranged beforehand for my mom to catch the baby, so she was waiting, and because of my positioning, the first thing she saw was his little face. When she saw him, she said, “He looks just like Ty!” I took a deep breath and he was all the way born a few moments later.

As he was placed on my chest, I couldn't help crying tears of joy and amazement and relief and every other emotion that comes with the miracle of a baby's birth. Will was so quiet. He was breathing just fine, but he didn't cry. He whimpered a little and opened his eyes right away. He was so alert and everyone commented on his amazing coloring. I was just overwhelmed and overjoyed. Ty and I just kept admiring him. I was so wrapped up in William that I didn't realize I had hemorrhaged about 1100 cubic centimeters. We moved from the tub to the bed to wait for the placenta.

The bed in the birth suite was nice and big, so Ty was able to be next to me in bed the 

whole time the birth staff was managing my hemorrhage and the placenta was being born. I was so happy to keep my baby with me instead if having him be whisked away from me. I got an IV to replenish my fluids, and Ty and I enjoyed little William (whose name was not yet decided).

We ate a snack and talked about names for a little while. I had been given some drugs for the hemorrhage, and my body did not love them. I threw up again, but luckily I was able to eat right after that. My mom was able to get us some dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant, and that settled my stomach a lot. Meanwhile, we decided that our baby would be named William Clark after Ty's Grandpa Bill, my Grandad (George William), and my dad, Clark. We think his name fits him perfectly. We had a hard time nursing at first, but we're figuring it out day by day, and he's a champ now! He only lost 3% of his body weight in two days and is gaining well now.

Even though I had lost a lot of blood, I felt really good. I was confident walking by myself and even showered without assistance. We got home around 12:30 and tried to catch up on some of the missed sleep from the long day of laboring. Giving birth is one of the most powerful and empowering experiences I've ever had. After giving birth, I know I can do anything. I'm still in awe of this tiny human in my arms. He's so beautiful and perfect, and we can't wait to keep discovering his personality  Ty and I feel so blessed and grateful that things went so well and that our eternal family is expanding.

Our birth team (minus my mom)

Taking William home

"The Perfect Birth"

I've commented before on how being pregnant is both deeply personal and widely communal, and one of the things that had entailed for me is hearing various views on what birth should be like. Growing up, I had quite a bit of exposure to conversations about childbirth, babies, breastfeeding, epidurals, pregnancy, and everything else related to motherhood. If my mom wasn't pregnant or nursing, chances were good that at least one of my aunts was, and I learned a lot by listening to their conversations. One of the things I learned was that “the perfect birth” was different for each mother's experience as well as for each baby that was born.

So upon becoming pregnant, I had to figure out what “the perfect birth” was going to look like for me. I put that phrase in quotation marks because I also learned that more often than not, things don't really go according to plan. Nevertheless, I wanted to do some research and figure out what was going to work best for us with the birth of this baby. My mom has been an amazing resource with her knowledge as both a mother and a doula, and I've been so grateful for her wisdom. But I also knew that there were a lot of things Tyler and I needed to decide for our family independent of all the wisdom of the people around us.

The first step for me was evaluating how I really feel about childbirth and my body. Thanks in part to my parents’ examples, I realized that I wanted to give birth without medication because I truly believe that birth is a natural process my body was designed to be a part of. Once I knew that that was truly how I felt, I started looking into all the different methods of natural childbirth and the different ways it is accomplished. After more research and pondering, I decided that what I really wanted was to have a water birth. I was drawn to the way a baby is able to move from the familiar amniotic fluid to the water before taking his first breath. Overall, a water birth just felt right, so all I needed to do after that was find a place and caregiver to deliver my baby in a tub.

Ultimately, that led us to The Birth Center. I did a lot of research to decide what kind of environment I wanted to give birth in, and after a tour and meeting the midwives at The Birth Center, I knew it was the right place for us for this birth. I've been so grateful for the education I've received as a client, and I trust the caregivers explicitly which was one of the most important things for me in choosing a provider and venue for our baby's debut. The midwives and birth center have truly blessed my life through my pregnancy, and I'm grateful to have been led to them through my research and prayer.

Now, I'm here: sitting on my couch, reflecting on my process of deciding what I want this birth to look like, playing the waiting game. I still feel grateful for the examples in my life and for the opportunity to make choices about the birth of our baby instead of having them made for me. I know I've been infinitely blessed to have a low risk pregnancy and a healthy baby. Those blessings are things I do not take for granted. I express gratitude daily for those gifts.

As with everything else, Tyler's support has been unending and essential. He has constantly helped me with everything I need. I know I'm lucky to have such an incredible life partner, and I'm looking forward to watching him be a dad. We took a Bradley Method class to help us prepare for labor, and when I registered, I was worried that Ty would suffer through it, but he ended up learning a lot and being a fabulous support and coach (so far anyway). His support has been a strength to me. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, he offers his love and perspective, and it never fails to make me feel better.

I know everyone has a different perspective on birth, and I think that's wonderful. I know that unmedicated childbirth in a tub sounds like a nightmare to some women, and that’s okay. Things probably won't go exactly how I plan anyway. I'm just so glad to be living in a time and place where I get to make proactive choices about my baby's and my birth experience and that I have Tyler by my side.