I Am So Tired

Some fun on Trax. Will was in heaven.

I don’t remember being this uncomfortable at the end of my pregnancy with Will, and I don’t remember it being so hard to get enough sleep. Maybe it was, and my brain is being merciful by not remembering, or maybe this pregnancy has been so different from the last one that I am seeing more and more discrepancies than similarities. My pregnancy pillow is doing nothing to help with the discomfort of trying to sleep, and baby’s most active time is usually from 10 pm to about 2:30 am. It’s distracting above all else, but I know from my experience with Will’s birth that I’ll actually miss feeling the kicks and wiggles of this little guy once he’s born.

I’m looking forward to this baby’s birth. I know that labor is challenging, but I also know that it results in a sweet little baby. I’m so excited to see his face and kiss his head and argue with Tyler about his name. I can’t wait to introduce him to his big brother. I love this baby so much, and Will has been especially interested in all things “baby brother” this week which warms my mommy heart to bursting and results in a cry fest.

I’ve been a basketcase the last few days. It’s like my eyes are always primed and ready to cry at any time. Will does something adorable? Tears. The baby moves in a surprising way? Tears. I’m out of cookies? Tears. I’m tired? Tears. Will takes his first train ride? Tears. My sister gets home from her mission? Tears. It takes Will 45 minutes to eat his little bowl of breakfast? Tears. Driving home in the dark, and Will is singing the Hundred Acre Wood song in the back seat? Tears. It’s just my natural response to everything. The crying response seems more heightened this time around too.

I’m having a hard time with the waiting game this time. When we were waiting for Will’s birth, I was excited, but I wasn’t in a hurry for him to be born. I think there was a little undercurrent of fear in the face of the responsibility of parenthood. But this time, there’s no avoiding that because I’m already a mom, and I know that along with the stress and exhaustion and struggle of parenthood, there is true beauty and grace and so much love that you wonder if you can bear it. I already have that everyday, and I know that my heart will somehow expand to envelope this little person as well. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the opportunity to be a mother to another little human, and I am looking forward to it even though I know that I have many more sleepless nights and a postpartum recovery ahead of me.

Basically, I’m tired and tired of waiting for the baby’s birth even though I know logically that I probably have at least two weeks before this baby makes his debut. In the meantime, I’m trying to soak up as much one on one time with Will as I can and not drive everyone around me to insanity with my illogical concerns and incessant crying.

William Clark: Year 2

William is two! I can’t even believe it. The passage of time seems so crazy when I look at Will. It’s hard to really remember our life without him because it seems like he’s been part of us forever, but I also remember giving birth to him like it was yesterday. I know it’s cliche to feel that way about my little boy, but I do. There are so many aspects of his personality that have existed since he was in the womb. I first felt him move at 13 weeks (which is super early), and I felt him move constantly after that. I used to tell Ty that our baby was a gymnast because he was so active all the time. Now I watch him move, and it’s like he has an invisible pogo stick with him constantly. He is bouncy in all his movement and brings us endless laughter and joy.

There have been some rough stages this year, but it has also brought some incredible development. Will is a chatterbox. He talks nonstop, and he’s pretty easy to understand. Strangers often ask me how old he is and remark on his language skills. He also has continued to develop his very strong will. He has clear ideas about what he wants and how things should be done. It’s cute until it isn’t. ;) He is still a social butterfly and wants to be interacting with people all the time. We have to leave the house every day, or he is cranky.

Luckily for me, Will is still a snuggle bug. He wants “loves” before and after bed and naps and often asks to snuggle at random times throughout the day. He’s affectionate with people he knows well, but he loves to tease by not giving hugs when his aunts and uncles ask for them. He also still loves to read books, and we spend a lot of time reading the same books over and over for about a week before he moves on to new ones. He especially loves anything that has to do with animals, dinosaurs in particular.

Balls are still his favorite toys, and he’s developed a deep love for basketball this winter as we’ve trekked to Molly’s games. He can usually be found with his baby doll named Sarah under one arm and his ball in the other hand. It’s the perfect picture of who he is. He is wild and gentle, active and affectionate, kind and stubborn. I’ve been a little surprised by how rich his personality is at such a young age and how developed his preferences are. He will often tell me exactly where he wants to go and who he wants to play with, and he almost always has an opinion about what clothes to wear.

Swimming is still one of his favorite things, so that’s what we did to celebrate his birthday. We actually had his party a couple of weeks ago when his only first cousins were in town. We had pizza and ice cream and went swimming. He was thrilled with the combination. He got a tricycle that he’s ridden almost constantly since then. He also discovered how to play hide-and-seek the day after his party, and that has quickly become his favorite game to play. He loves to find his own hiding spots, and his silence while hiding is uncanny.

He talks about baby brother and his heartbeat a lot, and he likes to kiss and pet my belly to “be soft.” He loves to “help Mama,” and I’m hoping that that is a positive thing when the baby arrives. One of his favorite things to do is make cookies or dinner, and he is a true Bayles and wants to eat all the cookie dough (and the cookies). He also loves church and gets so excited when he realizes that it’s “nursery day.” He’s become the mascot of our Relief Society since I’m on the activities committee, and he usually has to come with me to planning meetings and to set up and sometimes to activities if Ty is working late. I think he has more friends than anyone I’ve ever known which is a gift that I don’t have and really admire in him.

I’m still honored and humbled by the opportunity I have to be Will’s mom on a daily basis. I hope he always wants to help me and knows how loved he is.

Here's a link to well over 200 photos of Will from the last year. It's been a wonderful adventure so far!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/Qp3lYIJICFkyVJr42

And here is a shorter version in video form:

Mamas and Bodies: A Tribute to My Mom

My mom has taught me a lot about life and love and sorrow and struggle. She’s my number one role model, and she is a fantastic mother. She’s someone who strives to be the best in every capacity she fills. Something I’ve been reflecting on as I prepare to give birth again is my relationship with my body, and it isn’t hard to see that the root of my feelings about my body come back to my mom.

I feel like I have a healthy body image. I trust my body. I do my best to take care of it. I know that it’s strong and powerful and a miraculous gift. And the reason I feel so positively about my body and empowered to do hard things physically is because of the way my mom talked to me about bodies and the way that she treated her own body as well. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I realized how rare it is to have such overwhelmingly positive feelings about my body.

My mom is strong, and when I think back on my childhood, that is easy to recognize. She used to rollerblade, pushing a stroller, to drop Hailey and me off at school. Now she has a physically intense job as a birth assistant where she uses all her muscle groups to help women give birth. She’s always talked about exercise positively, and I never heard her speak negatively about anyone’s body, including her own. She never called me skinny or chubby. When we talked about bodies, she would talk about being healthy and feeling strong.

We didn’t talk about or focus on sizes or weight in my house growing up. I don’t think it was something I ever even thought about. Even when my mom was working hard to lose weight after having babies, it wasn’t about getting down to a certain size or weight. It was about feeling comfortable in her clothes that she had worn before pregnancy and feeling strong and healthy rather than skinny. I’m grateful that that was the focus because even now I don’t worry about my weight or my size as long as I feel strong and healthy.

I also appreciate that my parents taught me about food. My mom taught me to cook. She always provided fruit and vegetables, and she explained the way metabolism works. I still vividly remember her describing the importance of breakfast in pulling your body out of starvation mode and starting your day off well. It’s something that made a huge difference in my college experience because I knew that it was important to eat before class. She talked to us about portion control. She also made and ate cookies with us. She wasn’t starving herself or only eating kale.

My mom wasn’t critical about what I chose to put into my body either. She would ask me sometimes if I had eaten anything with any nutritional value that day, but she didn’t make me feel guilty if I had three helpings of dinner or if I snitched a cookie out of the freezer. The lack of shame that I feel about food and my body is a gift that my parents gave me, and it’s one that I am super grateful as an adult.

I remember when my mom explained menstruation to me. She used words like miraculous, strong, and powerful. I learned that my body is a gift and that it is capable of incredible feats. It was a similar experience whenever my parents would teach my siblings and me about childbirth. I never had fear about those physical experiences. I actually was excited to give birth even as a teenager because my mom talked about what a spiritual experience it was and how empowering it could be to realize that you could accomplish anything.

My mom has taught me more than any other human on this Earth (with my dad’s help), and I am so grateful that she is the example of womanhood that I have continually seen. I hope I can be a strong role model for my children and teach them about the beauty and power of our bodies.

Reflection and Update

As this year comes to a close, I find myself feeling reflective along with the rest of the world. I also thought I'd post a little update since we didn't send out Christmas cards.

2017 was a good year and a challenging one. Ty is still enjoying his work, and he has learned a lot through his job as well as at the University of Utah as he keeps pursuing his master's degree in information systems. He still loves reading and fly fishing and playing whatever game Will invented that day. He's Will's favorite person most of the time, and they have become best buddies over the course of this year as Will's personality keeps emerging and he becomes more communicative and interactive.

Will is a well rounded kid with an obsession with balls and a deep love for babies. He’s as bouncy as ever and wants to be playing outside no matter what the weather (which is a challenge for his fair weather mother). We spend time at the library and pool weekly mostly because Will constantly craves social interaction. In that same vein, he LOVES nursery and asks me everyday if it's “nursery day.” True to his name, William is a strong willed child who always knows what he wants and how things should be done. (I have no idea where that comes from ;) ). He brings Ty and me immeasurable joy and laughter as well as some frustration and worry.

Most of my year has revolved around mothering Will and my pregnancy with our second son (due mid-March). I have been constantly stretched as I try to figure out how to be a good mom and fulfill the other roles in my life. After a rough first trimester summer, I've felt much better through the fall and winter, and I've felt a renewed sense of gratitude for my health and my body. I'm so grateful to be in this phase of life even though it's been challenging.

Baby is growing and developing well. We talk about him constantly, and Will says he's excited to be a big brother. We know his world is going to be rocked, but we're capitalizing on the enthusiasm as long as it lasts. :) Ty and I are having a hard time agreeing on a name for this baby, so the list is getting longer rather than shorter as the due date draws closer and we try to find the perfect name for this little nugget. I'm 29 weeks along now, and we're getting really excited for little brother to get here. He moves a lot when he hears Will or if Will sits on him (which happens at least once a day), and he moves when Ty pokes him too. He's not as bouncy as Will was in utero, so we'll see if that translates to personality when he gets here.

As we've been teaching Will more about our Savior and the gospel, we've been reminded of the basic truths and principles of the gospel, and our testimonies have been strengthened. We're so grateful for all we've been blessed with and learned this year and look forward to more lessons and challenges and tender mercies in 2018.

My Christmas Promise

Last Christmas

I love the Christmas season. I love the focus on the Savior, the lights, the magic, the family time, the snow, nativities, treats, gift giving and receiving, music, and pretty much everything else. I think it’s a beautiful time of year, and it often lends itself to reflection for me as it is the end of the year as well as my wedding anniversary. For me, as soon as Halloween is over, it’s a magical, cold time to snuggle up with my family, express my love and gratitude more often and live more fully.

It’s frustrating that those feelings are also, all too often, plagued with concerns about money. Ty and I have tried to be reasonable in our expenditures for Christmas, and I think we’ve done well. Aside from a few more stocking stuffers, the material aspect of Christmas is taken care of at our house. The gifts are either already wrapped or en route to my house compliments of Amazon. I love that I can focus on the other Christmas things instead of worrying about finding the perfect gifts for the people I care about.

I love gift giving. I enjoy the opportunity to think about specific people and about what they love and what is meaningful to them in order to come up with something simultaneously surprising and joyful. It makes me happy to give a small token of my love and appreciation to people I think about often during the year anyway. This year, I completely understand how easy it is to go overboard in present buying. Will is almost two, and he is so full of energy and fun. He loves all toys and new experiences, and I love watching him learn and figure things out. It seems like with every toy I see, I am struck by how much Will would love it, and that’s a new sensation for me. Luckily, I have a very even minded partner who reminds me that Will also loves wrapping paper and cardboard, so we probably don’t need to by the newest and shiniest toys for him. I’m happy with what we’ve come up with for him, and I know he’ll be more than satisfied with the wrapping paper.

It’s made me think about Robert D Hales’s talk about buying his wife a fancy fur coat. She sweetly asked him if he was buying it for her or for him. I love that lesson, and Ty and I talk about it often as we try to be mindful of our finances and the kind of life we want to live. I think it’s easy to feel like we need to buy the fanciest gifts or throw the most elaborate parties in order to show the world that we’re good parents; when in reality, our kids would prefer memories and experiences to things. Will’s favorite thing lately is to hit a balloon back and forth between us. He also loves to help me make dinner (which tests my patience to its limit every single time). More than anything else, he wants me to play with him.

So this is my promise: this Christmas, I’m not going to worry about the number of presents under our tree or the contents inside the wrapping. I’m not going to stress about things. I’m going to hold onto my husband and son a little tighter. I’m going to talk about Jesus Christ and his miraculous birth and ministry a little more. I’m going to spend more time with Will in the kitchen. And I’m sure it’s going to be our best Christmas yet.

Birth Quotes That Empower

My quotes
They are readable in person.

When I consider my experience giving birth to Will, the word that always comes to mind is empowerment. In the moments (and now over a year) after Will’s birth, I truly felt like I could accomplish anything. A huge piece of this empowerment goes to my incredible birth team who helped me have the experience that I wanted to have. I cannot credit The Birth Center enough. Their team is amazing, and their facility is pristine. I also credit The Bradley Method which is a class that offers so much information and teaches so many tools for navigating labor and delivery. I highly recommend it to anyone who is having a baby. But at the end of the day, I am the one who birthed my son (with the help of my Savior, as with everything).

I chose to have Will at The Birth Center without pain medication. I know that isn’t everyone’s choice, and I think it’s wonderful that I live in a place where I have so many options surrounding birth because that is not every woman’s experience. Whatever your plan or hopes are for your birth experience, here is a universal truth: birth is all consuming. It invades your body, mind, and spirit. One of the ways I prepared my mind for Will’s birth was with birth quotes that I collected and kept on my phone, but this time around I decided to have some of my favorite quotes occupy a physical space in my home, and I thought I would share them here for anyone who is interested.

Just a note, there are so many fantastic quotes about birth; these are just a few of my favorites. I strongly believe in the power of language, specifically inspiring, positive language, so that is what these quotes convey for me along with a beautiful sense of empowerment. They're not in any kind of order here.

“No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“Birth can empower you for the rest of your life. Welcome it, and let birth transform you.” -Ursula Sabia Sukink

“It is said that women in labor leave their bodies. They travel to the stars to collect the souls of their babies and return to this world together.” -Unknown

“A woman in birth is at once her most powerful and her most vulnerable. But any woman who has birthed unhindered understands that we are stronger than we know.” -Marci Macari

“Labor will hurt. Probably a lot. But whether this is negative is another matter. A laboring woman can be in a great deal of pain, yet feel loved and supported and exhilarated by the creative forces flowing through her body and her ability to meet labor’s challenges.” -Henci Goer

“The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you because it is you.” -Unknown

“Just as a woman’s heart knows how and when to pump her lungs to inhale and her hand to pull back from the fire, so she knows when and how to give birth.” -Virginia Di Orio

“I thought faith would be an epidural, taking away the pain and discomfort. But faith is more like a midwife-- a nurturing partner who leans into the discomfort with you and whispers, ‘Push and breathe, it’s supposed to hurt.’” -Brene Brown

“Although birth is only one day in the life of a woman, it has an imprint on her for the rest of her life.” -Justine Caines

“Birth is not neat and fast: it’s gritty and primal. But it’s nothing to fear. Unless you also think we ought to fear women crying when they are sad or laughing when they are happy.” -Mayim Bialik

“Empowerment, strength, individuality, passion, and joy are words that should be associated with birth for both mother and baby. It’s a journey to look forward to, not to fear. The process of leaving the womb and slipping into mama’s arms in one of life’s most magical, intense, and powerful transitions, and it should be given the respect and elation it deserves.” -Jill Diana Chasse

“There is a power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it; it simply invades them, accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it.” -Sheryl Feldman

“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers-- strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.” -Barbara Katz Rothman

“Imagine what might happen if women emerged from their labor beds with a renewed sense of the strength and power of their bodies and of their capacity for ecstasy through giving birth.” -Chistiane Northrup

“Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful...words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be- but cannot get without assistance.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth as well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.” -Ina May Gaskin

“Birth isn’t something we suffer, but something we actively do and exult in.” -Sheila Kitzinger

“We have a secret in our culture. It’s not that birth is painful-- it’s that women are strong.” -Laura Stavoe Harm

Birth Team minus my mom
(She took this picture).

When I'm Not My Best (As I Haven't Been Lately)

I’ve been battling with myself quite a bit since July. Being somewhat of a perfectionist, I try to be aware of my own personal development as much as I can, and I have not been happy with how I’ve been doing. I found out I was pregnant on July 9th, and I was so excited. I was already pretty sure because even before the positive test, I had felt some fatigue and nausea that reminded me of my pregnancy with Will. About a week after I took the test, I went down. Hard. I threw up so much and had no energy. I would spend most of my day lying on the couch watching Will play or leaning over the toilet trying to reassure my hysterical toddler that his mom was okay. This lasted for two and half months, and it was some of the longest days and weeks of my life.

There were many pajama days

I had the occasional good day, and weekends were better because Ty was home to take care of Will and me, but overall, I was a mess. Amid the vomiting and sleeping, I also learned that I had a placental bleed which is not usually dangerous, but it is something that needs to be monitored, and I needed to be extra careful to take it easy. It wasn’t hard to take it easy since I felt like I could barely walk most of the time, but it was a new sensation to be worried about my baby all the time. My pregnancy with Will was textbook, and on top of that I hardly ever felt nauseous and only threw up a handful of times. Even though I was working and in school for my whole pregnancy with Will, I was usually still able to take a nap if I desperately needed one or to go to bed at 7 to make sure I was getting enough rest. I’ve realized that it’s just harder to take care of yourself while also taking care of a toddler. In the midst of all the temporal chaos, spiritual feasting completely fell by the wayside, and forget any kind of intimacy in my marriage. Days would go by before I would realize that I hadn’t even had a conversation with Tyler beyond telling him how horrible I felt in days.

Making dinner sitting down because I couldn't stand

When I hit 12 weeks, I was sure I would start to feel better. I didn’t. I was still vomiting and still constantly exhausted. My poor toddler was a disaster. He’s a social boy, and not leaving the house for days at a time shut him down. He went home with my mom after she got off of work a couple of times, and he was so happy to be going somewhere and playing with people who could be more engaged. Sometimes I could muster the energy to drive to Pleasant Grove to my parents’ house and lie in the recliner all day while my parents and siblings took care of Will. I knew logically that my body needed rest, but I felt so guilty for the way some of Will’s needs (especially socially) were not being met (specifically by me) because I physically could not do anything to help and support him.

I cried to Tyler that I wasn’t being a good person, and I was an even worse mom. He reassured me that I was doing everything I could, and that it was okay to take care of this baby and myself. Several friends and siblings shared hope with me when I couldn’t see any. I started to feel resentful that being pregnant was making me a bad mom to my child that I already had. I was doing a good thing, and it felt like I was being punished for it. Finally, at 17 weeks, I started to feel like a person again, and the negativity that had clouded my heart and mind for nearly three months started to lift.

My mom's famous recliner for the invalid,
emotionally sick, pregnant, or otherwise ailing

I know that I can’t fully comprehend the reality of living with a chronic illness, but I feel like I have a better ability to empathize with that trial after this experience. Just in the last week, I have finally been able to wake up earlier and read and study my scriptures and conference talks. Tyler and I have had meaningful conversations, and Will and I have made it to the park and on walks and to the store and to football games without me feeling like a dementor was sucking the life out of me. I’m grateful that I’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope it keeps shining. I feel the baby move every day now, and even when I start to feel sick again, that reassures me.

As I think back over the last three months, I know that I wasn’t a horrible mom. I know that I wasn’t my best, but I did spend a lot of time lying on the couch, but with that came many snuggles with my sweet son and lots of reading time with his favorite books. Even though I couldn’t see my spiritual growth, I was sustained in my calling. I was able to play the piano at church each week and be prepared for our primary program even though I didn’t have the capacity to practice. There were miracles all around me that I am just now seeing, and I am so grateful to have open eyes.

I know that I can be better, but I also know that my effort wasn’t ever wasted. And even my desire to be a better mom was noticed by the Savior, and through the power of the atonement, I was able to nurture and help my son enough. I also know that even though there are other trials that are much harder than mine, that does not minimize my own experience and the challenges I have faced in the last few months. I am so grateful for my life and especially for my health, which I have previously taken for granted over and over again. I have a beautiful life, and I am so excited to have another little human joining our family in March. I know I will be supported and lifted in that endeavor just as I have through this trial.

Finally venturing outside, and look at Will's joy (and my exhaustion)