Reflection and Update

As this year comes to a close, I find myself feeling reflective along with the rest of the world. I also thought I'd post a little update since we didn't send out Christmas cards.

2017 was a good year and a challenging one. Ty is still enjoying his work, and he has learned a lot through his job as well as at the University of Utah as he keeps pursuing his master's degree in information systems. He still loves reading and fly fishing and playing whatever game Will invented that day. He's Will's favorite person most of the time, and they have become best buddies over the course of this year as Will's personality keeps emerging and he becomes more communicative and interactive.

Will is a well rounded kid with an obsession with balls and a deep love for babies. He’s as bouncy as ever and wants to be playing outside no matter what the weather (which is a challenge for his fair weather mother). We spend time at the library and pool weekly mostly because Will constantly craves social interaction. In that same vein, he LOVES nursery and asks me everyday if it's “nursery day.” True to his name, William is a strong willed child who always knows what he wants and how things should be done. (I have no idea where that comes from ;) ). He brings Ty and me immeasurable joy and laughter as well as some frustration and worry.

Most of my year has revolved around mothering Will and my pregnancy with our second son (due mid-March). I have been constantly stretched as I try to figure out how to be a good mom and fulfill the other roles in my life. After a rough first trimester summer, I've felt much better through the fall and winter, and I've felt a renewed sense of gratitude for my health and my body. I'm so grateful to be in this phase of life even though it's been challenging.

Baby is growing and developing well. We talk about him constantly, and Will says he's excited to be a big brother. We know his world is going to be rocked, but we're capitalizing on the enthusiasm as long as it lasts. :) Ty and I are having a hard time agreeing on a name for this baby, so the list is getting longer rather than shorter as the due date draws closer and we try to find the perfect name for this little nugget. I'm 29 weeks along now, and we're getting really excited for little brother to get here. He moves a lot when he hears Will or if Will sits on him (which happens at least once a day), and he moves when Ty pokes him too. He's not as bouncy as Will was in utero, so we'll see if that translates to personality when he gets here.

As we've been teaching Will more about our Savior and the gospel, we've been reminded of the basic truths and principles of the gospel, and our testimonies have been strengthened. We're so grateful for all we've been blessed with and learned this year and look forward to more lessons and challenges and tender mercies in 2018.

My Christmas Promise

Last Christmas

I love the Christmas season. I love the focus on the Savior, the lights, the magic, the family time, the snow, nativities, treats, gift giving and receiving, music, and pretty much everything else. I think it’s a beautiful time of year, and it often lends itself to reflection for me as it is the end of the year as well as my wedding anniversary. For me, as soon as Halloween is over, it’s a magical, cold time to snuggle up with my family, express my love and gratitude more often and live more fully.

It’s frustrating that those feelings are also, all too often, plagued with concerns about money. Ty and I have tried to be reasonable in our expenditures for Christmas, and I think we’ve done well. Aside from a few more stocking stuffers, the material aspect of Christmas is taken care of at our house. The gifts are either already wrapped or en route to my house compliments of Amazon. I love that I can focus on the other Christmas things instead of worrying about finding the perfect gifts for the people I care about.

I love gift giving. I enjoy the opportunity to think about specific people and about what they love and what is meaningful to them in order to come up with something simultaneously surprising and joyful. It makes me happy to give a small token of my love and appreciation to people I think about often during the year anyway. This year, I completely understand how easy it is to go overboard in present buying. Will is almost two, and he is so full of energy and fun. He loves all toys and new experiences, and I love watching him learn and figure things out. It seems like with every toy I see, I am struck by how much Will would love it, and that’s a new sensation for me. Luckily, I have a very even minded partner who reminds me that Will also loves wrapping paper and cardboard, so we probably don’t need to by the newest and shiniest toys for him. I’m happy with what we’ve come up with for him, and I know he’ll be more than satisfied with the wrapping paper.

It’s made me think about Robert D Hales’s talk about buying his wife a fancy fur coat. She sweetly asked him if he was buying it for her or for him. I love that lesson, and Ty and I talk about it often as we try to be mindful of our finances and the kind of life we want to live. I think it’s easy to feel like we need to buy the fanciest gifts or throw the most elaborate parties in order to show the world that we’re good parents; when in reality, our kids would prefer memories and experiences to things. Will’s favorite thing lately is to hit a balloon back and forth between us. He also loves to help me make dinner (which tests my patience to its limit every single time). More than anything else, he wants me to play with him.

So this is my promise: this Christmas, I’m not going to worry about the number of presents under our tree or the contents inside the wrapping. I’m not going to stress about things. I’m going to hold onto my husband and son a little tighter. I’m going to talk about Jesus Christ and his miraculous birth and ministry a little more. I’m going to spend more time with Will in the kitchen. And I’m sure it’s going to be our best Christmas yet.

Birth Quotes That Empower

My quotes
They are readable in person.

When I consider my experience giving birth to Will, the word that always comes to mind is empowerment. In the moments (and now over a year) after Will’s birth, I truly felt like I could accomplish anything. A huge piece of this empowerment goes to my incredible birth team who helped me have the experience that I wanted to have. I cannot credit The Birth Center enough. Their team is amazing, and their facility is pristine. I also credit The Bradley Method which is a class that offers so much information and teaches so many tools for navigating labor and delivery. I highly recommend it to anyone who is having a baby. But at the end of the day, I am the one who birthed my son (with the help of my Savior, as with everything).

I chose to have Will at The Birth Center without pain medication. I know that isn’t everyone’s choice, and I think it’s wonderful that I live in a place where I have so many options surrounding birth because that is not every woman’s experience. Whatever your plan or hopes are for your birth experience, here is a universal truth: birth is all consuming. It invades your body, mind, and spirit. One of the ways I prepared my mind for Will’s birth was with birth quotes that I collected and kept on my phone, but this time around I decided to have some of my favorite quotes occupy a physical space in my home, and I thought I would share them here for anyone who is interested.

Just a note, there are so many fantastic quotes about birth; these are just a few of my favorites. I strongly believe in the power of language, specifically inspiring, positive language, so that is what these quotes convey for me along with a beautiful sense of empowerment. They're not in any kind of order here.

“No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“Birth can empower you for the rest of your life. Welcome it, and let birth transform you.” -Ursula Sabia Sukink

“It is said that women in labor leave their bodies. They travel to the stars to collect the souls of their babies and return to this world together.” -Unknown

“A woman in birth is at once her most powerful and her most vulnerable. But any woman who has birthed unhindered understands that we are stronger than we know.” -Marci Macari

“Labor will hurt. Probably a lot. But whether this is negative is another matter. A laboring woman can be in a great deal of pain, yet feel loved and supported and exhilarated by the creative forces flowing through her body and her ability to meet labor’s challenges.” -Henci Goer

“The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you because it is you.” -Unknown

“Just as a woman’s heart knows how and when to pump her lungs to inhale and her hand to pull back from the fire, so she knows when and how to give birth.” -Virginia Di Orio

“I thought faith would be an epidural, taking away the pain and discomfort. But faith is more like a midwife-- a nurturing partner who leans into the discomfort with you and whispers, ‘Push and breathe, it’s supposed to hurt.’” -Brene Brown

“Although birth is only one day in the life of a woman, it has an imprint on her for the rest of her life.” -Justine Caines

“Birth is not neat and fast: it’s gritty and primal. But it’s nothing to fear. Unless you also think we ought to fear women crying when they are sad or laughing when they are happy.” -Mayim Bialik

“Empowerment, strength, individuality, passion, and joy are words that should be associated with birth for both mother and baby. It’s a journey to look forward to, not to fear. The process of leaving the womb and slipping into mama’s arms in one of life’s most magical, intense, and powerful transitions, and it should be given the respect and elation it deserves.” -Jill Diana Chasse

“There is a power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it; it simply invades them, accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it.” -Sheryl Feldman

“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers-- strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.” -Barbara Katz Rothman

“Imagine what might happen if women emerged from their labor beds with a renewed sense of the strength and power of their bodies and of their capacity for ecstasy through giving birth.” -Chistiane Northrup

“Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful...words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be- but cannot get without assistance.” -Jeffrey R Holland

“The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth as well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo.” -Ina May Gaskin

“Birth isn’t something we suffer, but something we actively do and exult in.” -Sheila Kitzinger

“We have a secret in our culture. It’s not that birth is painful-- it’s that women are strong.” -Laura Stavoe Harm

Birth Team minus my mom
(She took this picture).

When I'm Not My Best (As I Haven't Been Lately)

I’ve been battling with myself quite a bit since July. Being somewhat of a perfectionist, I try to be aware of my own personal development as much as I can, and I have not been happy with how I’ve been doing. I found out I was pregnant on July 9th, and I was so excited. I was already pretty sure because even before the positive test, I had felt some fatigue and nausea that reminded me of my pregnancy with Will. About a week after I took the test, I went down. Hard. I threw up so much and had no energy. I would spend most of my day lying on the couch watching Will play or leaning over the toilet trying to reassure my hysterical toddler that his mom was okay. This lasted for two and half months, and it was some of the longest days and weeks of my life.

There were many pajama days

I had the occasional good day, and weekends were better because Ty was home to take care of Will and me, but overall, I was a mess. Amid the vomiting and sleeping, I also learned that I had a placental bleed which is not usually dangerous, but it is something that needs to be monitored, and I needed to be extra careful to take it easy. It wasn’t hard to take it easy since I felt like I could barely walk most of the time, but it was a new sensation to be worried about my baby all the time. My pregnancy with Will was textbook, and on top of that I hardly ever felt nauseous and only threw up a handful of times. Even though I was working and in school for my whole pregnancy with Will, I was usually still able to take a nap if I desperately needed one or to go to bed at 7 to make sure I was getting enough rest. I’ve realized that it’s just harder to take care of yourself while also taking care of a toddler. In the midst of all the temporal chaos, spiritual feasting completely fell by the wayside, and forget any kind of intimacy in my marriage. Days would go by before I would realize that I hadn’t even had a conversation with Tyler beyond telling him how horrible I felt in days.

Making dinner sitting down because I couldn't stand

When I hit 12 weeks, I was sure I would start to feel better. I didn’t. I was still vomiting and still constantly exhausted. My poor toddler was a disaster. He’s a social boy, and not leaving the house for days at a time shut him down. He went home with my mom after she got off of work a couple of times, and he was so happy to be going somewhere and playing with people who could be more engaged. Sometimes I could muster the energy to drive to Pleasant Grove to my parents’ house and lie in the recliner all day while my parents and siblings took care of Will. I knew logically that my body needed rest, but I felt so guilty for the way some of Will’s needs (especially socially) were not being met (specifically by me) because I physically could not do anything to help and support him.

I cried to Tyler that I wasn’t being a good person, and I was an even worse mom. He reassured me that I was doing everything I could, and that it was okay to take care of this baby and myself. Several friends and siblings shared hope with me when I couldn’t see any. I started to feel resentful that being pregnant was making me a bad mom to my child that I already had. I was doing a good thing, and it felt like I was being punished for it. Finally, at 17 weeks, I started to feel like a person again, and the negativity that had clouded my heart and mind for nearly three months started to lift.

My mom's famous recliner for the invalid,
emotionally sick, pregnant, or otherwise ailing

I know that I can’t fully comprehend the reality of living with a chronic illness, but I feel like I have a better ability to empathize with that trial after this experience. Just in the last week, I have finally been able to wake up earlier and read and study my scriptures and conference talks. Tyler and I have had meaningful conversations, and Will and I have made it to the park and on walks and to the store and to football games without me feeling like a dementor was sucking the life out of me. I’m grateful that I’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope it keeps shining. I feel the baby move every day now, and even when I start to feel sick again, that reassures me.

As I think back over the last three months, I know that I wasn’t a horrible mom. I know that I wasn’t my best, but I did spend a lot of time lying on the couch, but with that came many snuggles with my sweet son and lots of reading time with his favorite books. Even though I couldn’t see my spiritual growth, I was sustained in my calling. I was able to play the piano at church each week and be prepared for our primary program even though I didn’t have the capacity to practice. There were miracles all around me that I am just now seeing, and I am so grateful to have open eyes.

I know that I can be better, but I also know that my effort wasn’t ever wasted. And even my desire to be a better mom was noticed by the Savior, and through the power of the atonement, I was able to nurture and help my son enough. I also know that even though there are other trials that are much harder than mine, that does not minimize my own experience and the challenges I have faced in the last few months. I am so grateful for my life and especially for my health, which I have previously taken for granted over and over again. I have a beautiful life, and I am so excited to have another little human joining our family in March. I know I will be supported and lifted in that endeavor just as I have through this trial.

Finally venturing outside, and look at Will's joy (and my exhaustion)

Missing Bug

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by how much I miss Hailey. Yesterday, out of nowhere, I found myself in tears wishing I could just call her and talk to her. I’m so glad she’s on a mission, and I genuinely love emailing with her and hearing about all the experiences she’s having, but there’s something about not being able to call her and chat that is just hard sometimes. Luckily, Mother’s Day is coming which means we can skype, and I’m so excited to have a real conversation with her.

Hailey is my best friend. Even through the years when we weren’t very nice to each other, we had each other’s backs. She could always make me laugh and show me a new perspective when I was struggling, and I was one of the only people who could get away with telling her when she was being just a touch overdramatic. My appreciation for Hailey really grew when we were in high school together. We are so different, but we were involved in pretty much all the same things and spent more time together than we had since we were toddlers. I really came to appreciate her honesty and her black and white worldview even though I didn’t always agree with her.

Our differences are the most enriching part of our relationship. People who don’t know us super well notice that we’re very different, but they often misplace our differences. I still remember people telling me that I was a people pleaser and that Hailey was blunt and didn’t care about people’s reactions. I laughed out loud. Just because my energy is more still and my resting volume is lower, does not mean that I am a people pleaser. Hailey has always been far more concerned about people pleasing than I have. She is intuitively more empathetic than I am. She forgives with more ease than I do. She is better at making friends and including people in her life. She is one of the most service-oriented people I have ever known. She has so many gifts that I have tried to emulate more in recent years. Sure, she’s also loud and blunt and argumentative and thinks she’s always right, but all of these things complete the picture of my sister and best friend. (But she can’t always be right because I’m always right). ;)

When Hailey decided to come to UVU, I was thrilled. I was so excited just to be living in the same city again. Knowing that I could call her and see her within ten minutes was such a gift. She moved to Orem when I was five months pregnant with Will and Ty was in New York for a job training. She stopped by my apartment to check in on me; we met up on campus; she dragged me into social situations. If she hadn’t been in Orem, I probably would have spent the whole month watching Netflix in my bedroom. Then after Will was born, she continued to serve me. She would come over and just take him on a walk, so I could sleep for a little bit. She would talk to me when I felt like I was going crazy from all the one way conversations I was having with my newborn. She drove Will and me to Riley’s soccer games and the grocery store since I didn’t have a car most days.

I provided my washer and dryer, food, and a sounding board when she came over or we got together, but I know that I was blessed more by her than she was by me. It was sad for me when she moved home and then to California for the summer. I missed her a lot, but I could still call her between her work and adventures to connect when I needed her sunshine, and she called me when she needed me to lift her up. I miss that. I miss the day to day text messages and being able to share hugs and silence together when that’s what was needed.

Now, I send emails and letters and the occasional package, but it's different. I love sharing her mission with her this way, but I also miss the day to day, physical interaction. I watch Will smile and laugh when he sees pictures of grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles, and there is no recognition when he sees Hailey's picture even though she held him more than Ty did some days. I know this will pass. She'll be home in less than a year, and I know she and Will will be best friends again, but I'm allowed to miss her in the meantime. And today, I really miss her.

In Awe

Sometimes I find myself in awe of motherhood all over again. When Will was first born, I found myself constantly taken aback by the miracle of life and babies. There was something just so sacred about seeing such tiny features on a perfect little body. I just didn’t anticipate that after a year, he would still take my breath away in unexpected ways. This morning, I was nursing him, and he looked up at me and smiled between swallows. There’s so much about being a parent that is overwhelming, but nothing is more overwhelming than the love I feel for Will.

For some reason, I was caught off guard this morning. Will’s love and affection is so pure and it blows my mind. I am amazed by his love. So often, I fall short as a mother. I lose my patience. I get bored being in the house constantly. I get distracted and am not as attentive as I could be. Will doesn’t mind though. He is forever forgiving. He has taught me so much about what the love of Christ really is. The way he always runs to me to give me a hug even when I’m not the best mom I could be is just one illustration of how incredible the love of a child truly is.

This illustration of love has been one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. Even though I get to experience a small piece of God’s love through the love I feel for my son, I also get to feel it in the love that Will shows me. Will has always been a snuggly baby, but he’s become more and more affectionate as he’s gotten older. He now gives kisses when you ask for them, and anytime Ty and I are kissing or snuggling on the couch, Will runs over to be part of the snuggles. I love it. I hoped that I would have physically affectionate children, and so far, my wish has been granted.

I still find myself feeling completely overwhelmed by the love I feel for the boys in my family. They bring so much joy and love into my life, and I feel so blessed to be experiencing life together. I find myself continually in awe of the beauty of God’s plan of happiness. I’m so grateful to be sealed in the temple and sharing my life with a family on this eternal journey.

Joy In All Its Glory

Then...

Whenever Ty and I go to a wedding and sign a book or write a card, our inscription usually includes this quote: “Joy in all its glory can only be obtained through unselfishness.” The quote originated with Ben Behunin, a potter, writer, and family friend, and it really resonates with me. It’s how Tyler and I have tried to structure our marriage and family. The truth is that Ty is naturally unselfish. I think it’s part of the reason why adjusting to marriage was pretty seamless for us. It’s easy to learn to live with someone who is always considerate of your thoughts and actions.

I was reminded of Ty’s selfless behavior on my birthday yesterday. He surprised me in the morning with the announcement that he wasn’t going to work and that I needed to get ready quickly because we had somewhere to be at 11, and we needed to drop Will off. It’s a big sacrifice for Ty to take work off right now. He has tons of meetings everyday for a big event coming up, and one of the guys on his team has been out of the office for three months recovering from back surgery. I was touched that he had decided to take a vacation day since I had specifically told him not to worry about it and that we could celebrate another day.

It turns out that our appointment at 11 was for a couples massage. This was another testament to Ty’s selflessness. I’ve always wanted to have a professional massage, but Ty had no desire. He really likes his bubble, and aside from me and (most of the time) Will, he doesn’t like to be touched very much. But he knew how much I would love a couples massage, so he booked one. It was amazing, and he enjoyed it even though he was a little apprehensive at first. After spending some time in a sauna following our massage, Ty took me to lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. We share a love a Brazilian food, but we don’t eat it very often due to availability and expense.

After lunch, we went shopping which was really nice to do without Will. As much as we love our little man, shopping is pretty hard with him in tow. I got some shoes and shirts, and Ty found some slacks for work and a nice sweater. I mostly just enjoyed being together. We don’t see each other very much during the week, and Saturdays are filled with homework and family events. Time to talk and enjoy being with Ty was the best gift I could have possibly received, and I’m so grateful that Sherrie (Ty’s mom) was able to watch Will. I didn’t worry about him at all. I just enjoyed the day.

We ended my birthday with a trip to the theater. I know it sounds silly, but not seeing movies in the theater has been one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for us. Ty and I both love movies, and before Will was born, we went to the theater often. We usually took advantage of $5  Tuesdays, but now, Will goes to bed at 8, and he’s at a horrible age for the theater. Finding a babysitter just isn’t worth it to see movies. We enjoy Netflix and Redbox on our projector, but we miss the theater. We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and we both loved it. Harry Potter and all things wizarding will always be dear to my heart.

And now.

We were going to get dinner after the movie, but we were still full from lunch, and we’d reached our limit of Will-free time. He’d been at his Grandma and Grandpa’s house for eight hours, and we missed him a lot. He was so excited to see us. He’s at such a fun stage. He is so chatty and busy all the time, and he’s super affectionate. It melts my heart to see him run up to Ty everyday when he gets home from work. I love my boys so much. My life is so much richer and more fun because of them. I didn’t take any pictures the whole day. My phone is broken, and I really just soaked up every minute without even considering taking a picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it-- it was a wonderful day.

My Education

My diploma! (Complete with a sticky note from a friend
I used to work with in the Transfer Credit office at UVU).

I’ve been reflecting on my educational experience a lot lately which is understandable since I just graduated in December. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been very lucky when it comes to education, but I’ve also worked really hard, and even though it may not seem like it, those two conclusions coexist quite well. It all comes down to choices really, like most things in life.

I hadn’t really ever considered going to UVU until I went on a college tour with ETS the summer before my senior year of high school. On the tour, I was super impressed with the school in general, but I was really impressed by the students that I talked to while I was on campus, and I loved the energy there. I applied, thinking that I would still choose to go to Utah State but wanting to keep my options open. Eventually, when it was time for me to decide, I just knew I was supposed to go to UVU. I didn’t know any other girls going there, and I was kind of glad. I was ready for a new beginning. I declared English as my major when I applied, and I never regretted it.

I met Ty the day before I started classes, and that was one of the greatest gifts UVU gave me. Ty is the perfect partner for me, and if I had gone to Utah State, I would have missed out on the richest and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had. I also wouldn’t have had such amazing roommates. I didn’t know any of them before I moved in, but I was lucky enough to be surrounded by kind and fun girls who became dear friends in just a short amount of time.

I received a comprehensive education at UVU. I earned my AS and BS degrees, but beyond that I learned about the importance of listening intently to opinions and arguments that are different from my own. I was amazed by the diversity in my classes. There were so many people from such vastly different lives, and I have to admit that I was a little surprised to find that in Utah County. It was inspiring to talk to the nontraditional students in my classes, and I will be forever grateful for those experiences that served to enrich my educational experience.

There were so many little things that made my collegiate career better than I thought it would be. I got a job working on campus and met some really awesome people that way. I was never waitlisted and took every class I wanted to. I always had respectful and skilled professors. I never took a class with more than 50 students in it. When I bought books for my last semester, the person at the bookstore let me go to the front of the line because I had my seven month old baby with me. These were little things, but they really enhanced my education and solidified my loyalty. UVU forever!

One of the very best “little things” is that I was able to graduate debt free. It was really hard. We had to be super mindful of our spending and work instead of taking fun vacations and travelling a lot, but I am so glad we did. I learned a lot of lessons about needs versus wants and about being happy with my choices. I chose to work and put that money into school instead of other things, and that is a choice that I felt I needed to own. I tried not to be speak negatively about how we chose to spend our money because even though it was painful at times, it’s a choice we made together that was ultimately the right way for us to go.

More than anything though, I am glad that I got my degree because I accomplished a goal. I have always wanted to graduate from college, and I did. I know that this accomplishment will make me a better mother. It strengthened my faith in myself and reminded me that I can do hard things, and I can do them well. I hope that my example will impress the importance of education upon my children. I know that my education has made me a better person, and I’m excited to pay it forward and share that with those I come in contact with. Nothing can stand in my way.

Still an Individual

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about individuality. I’ve always been someone who resists being defined by others. I like to be my own person, and I try really hard not to let others’ choices and perceptions of me dictate who I am or how I live. But things shift when you get married and subsequently have a baby. In both instances, it’s easy to allow yourself to be absorbed by your spouse and/or child. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of the example of someone I love and admire. He is such a kind and thoughtful man, but he has consistently allowed himself to be absorbed by his wife. Instead of cultivating his own individuality, he has been consumed by her needs and desires. His devotion to his wife was beautiful, but when she died, I have never seen anyone more lost. It seemed like he had no concept of himself without her. Marriage involves “becoming one” with your partner which is something that personally brings me great joy. I know it is important to be unified, and I would feel like I had lost half of myself if I lost Ty, but I would still have myself, and I see tremendous value in that.

Sometimes, I find bits of myself slipping away as I get older. It’s great when I find myself letting go of selfishness and insecurity, but sometimes I find myself reminding myself that in conjunction with being a wife and mother and sister and daughter, I am still an individual. I love to read and take baths in silence. I enjoy writing to process my thoughts and feelings more deeply. I am passionate and can be loud. These are some of the things that make me who I am, and I don’t have to watch them disappear because it’s hard to make time to be a separate individual and they aren’t interests and characteristics that Ty and I share. While our similarities are what have allowed us to build a strong foundation together, our differences enrich our relationship. Over the course of the last three years, I feel like Ty and I have done a good job of maintaining our individuality while be married, but then Will was born, and as it’s supposed to, everything shifted.

The reality of parenthood is that there is far less time for yourself which is great as it helps you be more aware of the needs of others, but it’s also easy to ignore yourself and your needs. Nothing brings me more joy than being a mother, but there is also nothing that makes it easier to neglect myself. A friend of mine recently posted a picture that read something like, “Self care is not selfish.” I feel so strongly about this. Of course it’s important to prioritize your children’s needs, but it ultimately hurts your whole family if you don’t also address your own needs. I genuinely need alone time in order to maintain my mental health, and it is hard to come by as a parent. Luckily, Ty is amazing, and he is aware of my individual needs and does everything in his power to help me be the best person, spouse, and mother that I can be, but it’s something that takes almost daily effort and mindfulness.

Sometimes as a stay at home mom, I feel like I occupy a separate dimension. This is especially true in the winter. Sometimes I go days without leaving our apartment. It’s such an ordeal to get Will adequately bundled to go out in the snow, and I don’t like being cold, so we end up reading all the same books and singing all the same songs and playing with all the same toys everyday. It gets monotonous, and I don’t think it makes me a bad mom to admit that. I’ve been blessed to make some good friends since we moved to Cottonwood Heights who are in the same stage of life that I am, and that has helped me far more than I even imagined it could. I’ve always been kind of a loner, but I have never realized how much I truly need the friendship of like-minded women in my life. It has honestly made me a better person and by extension a better mom. I’m so grateful for friends and family members and especially a husband who understand my daily life and consistently help me to be better. It’s a beautiful gift.

I’m glad that I am married to a man I share so much with. I love being a mom to a child who consumes so much of my heart and mind. Being part of my family and friend groups lifts my soul and brings me joy. But I am still an individual, and I’m supposed to be.