In Awe

Sometimes I find myself in awe of motherhood all over again. When Will was first born, I found myself constantly taken aback by the miracle of life and babies. There was something just so sacred about seeing such tiny features on a perfect little body. I just didn’t anticipate that after a year, he would still take my breath away in unexpected ways. This morning, I was nursing him, and he looked up at me and smiled between swallows. There’s so much about being a parent that is overwhelming, but nothing is more overwhelming than the love I feel for Will.

For some reason, I was caught off guard this morning. Will’s love and affection is so pure and it blows my mind. I am amazed by his love. So often, I fall short as a mother. I lose my patience. I get bored being in the house constantly. I get distracted and am not as attentive as I could be. Will doesn’t mind though. He is forever forgiving. He has taught me so much about what the love of Christ really is. The way he always runs to me to give me a hug even when I’m not the best mom I could be is just one illustration of how incredible the love of a child truly is.

This illustration of love has been one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. Even though I get to experience a small piece of God’s love through the love I feel for my son, I also get to feel it in the love that Will shows me. Will has always been a snuggly baby, but he’s become more and more affectionate as he’s gotten older. He now gives kisses when you ask for them, and anytime Ty and I are kissing or snuggling on the couch, Will runs over to be part of the snuggles. I love it. I hoped that I would have physically affectionate children, and so far, my wish has been granted.

I still find myself feeling completely overwhelmed by the love I feel for the boys in my family. They bring so much joy and love into my life, and I feel so blessed to be experiencing life together. I find myself continually in awe of the beauty of God’s plan of happiness. I’m so grateful to be sealed in the temple and sharing my life with a family on this eternal journey.

Joy In All Its Glory

Then...

Whenever Ty and I go to a wedding and sign a book or write a card, our inscription usually includes this quote: “Joy in all its glory can only be obtained through unselfishness.” The quote originated with Ben Behunin, a potter, writer, and family friend, and it really resonates with me. It’s how Tyler and I have tried to structure our marriage and family. The truth is that Ty is naturally unselfish. I think it’s part of the reason why adjusting to marriage was pretty seamless for us. It’s easy to learn to live with someone who is always considerate of your thoughts and actions.

I was reminded of Ty’s selfless behavior on my birthday yesterday. He surprised me in the morning with the announcement that he wasn’t going to work and that I needed to get ready quickly because we had somewhere to be at 11, and we needed to drop Will off. It’s a big sacrifice for Ty to take work off right now. He has tons of meetings everyday for a big event coming up, and one of the guys on his team has been out of the office for three months recovering from back surgery. I was touched that he had decided to take a vacation day since I had specifically told him not to worry about it and that we could celebrate another day.

It turns out that our appointment at 11 was for a couples massage. This was another testament to Ty’s selflessness. I’ve always wanted to have a professional massage, but Ty had no desire. He really likes his bubble, and aside from me and (most of the time) Will, he doesn’t like to be touched very much. But he knew how much I would love a couples massage, so he booked one. It was amazing, and he enjoyed it even though he was a little apprehensive at first. After spending some time in a sauna following our massage, Ty took me to lunch at a Brazilian restaurant. It was delicious. We share a love a Brazilian food, but we don’t eat it very often due to availability and expense.

After lunch, we went shopping which was really nice to do without Will. As much as we love our little man, shopping is pretty hard with him in tow. I got some shoes and shirts, and Ty found some slacks for work and a nice sweater. I mostly just enjoyed being together. We don’t see each other very much during the week, and Saturdays are filled with homework and family events. Time to talk and enjoy being with Ty was the best gift I could have possibly received, and I’m so grateful that Sherrie (Ty’s mom) was able to watch Will. I didn’t worry about him at all. I just enjoyed the day.

We ended my birthday with a trip to the theater. I know it sounds silly, but not seeing movies in the theater has been one of the hardest adjustments to parenthood for us. Ty and I both love movies, and before Will was born, we went to the theater often. We usually took advantage of $5  Tuesdays, but now, Will goes to bed at 8, and he’s at a horrible age for the theater. Finding a babysitter just isn’t worth it to see movies. We enjoy Netflix and Redbox on our projector, but we miss the theater. We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and we both loved it. Harry Potter and all things wizarding will always be dear to my heart.

And now.

We were going to get dinner after the movie, but we were still full from lunch, and we’d reached our limit of Will-free time. He’d been at his Grandma and Grandpa’s house for eight hours, and we missed him a lot. He was so excited to see us. He’s at such a fun stage. He is so chatty and busy all the time, and he’s super affectionate. It melts my heart to see him run up to Ty everyday when he gets home from work. I love my boys so much. My life is so much richer and more fun because of them. I didn’t take any pictures the whole day. My phone is broken, and I really just soaked up every minute without even considering taking a picture, so you’ll just have to take my word for it-- it was a wonderful day.

My Education

My diploma! (Complete with a sticky note from a friend
I used to work with in the Transfer Credit office at UVU).

I’ve been reflecting on my educational experience a lot lately which is understandable since I just graduated in December. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been very lucky when it comes to education, but I’ve also worked really hard, and even though it may not seem like it, those two conclusions coexist quite well. It all comes down to choices really, like most things in life.

I hadn’t really ever considered going to UVU until I went on a college tour with ETS the summer before my senior year of high school. On the tour, I was super impressed with the school in general, but I was really impressed by the students that I talked to while I was on campus, and I loved the energy there. I applied, thinking that I would still choose to go to Utah State but wanting to keep my options open. Eventually, when it was time for me to decide, I just knew I was supposed to go to UVU. I didn’t know any other girls going there, and I was kind of glad. I was ready for a new beginning. I declared English as my major when I applied, and I never regretted it.

I met Ty the day before I started classes, and that was one of the greatest gifts UVU gave me. Ty is the perfect partner for me, and if I had gone to Utah State, I would have missed out on the richest and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had. I also wouldn’t have had such amazing roommates. I didn’t know any of them before I moved in, but I was lucky enough to be surrounded by kind and fun girls who became dear friends in just a short amount of time.

I received a comprehensive education at UVU. I earned my AS and BS degrees, but beyond that I learned about the importance of listening intently to opinions and arguments that are different from my own. I was amazed by the diversity in my classes. There were so many people from such vastly different lives, and I have to admit that I was a little surprised to find that in Utah County. It was inspiring to talk to the nontraditional students in my classes, and I will be forever grateful for those experiences that served to enrich my educational experience.

There were so many little things that made my collegiate career better than I thought it would be. I got a job working on campus and met some really awesome people that way. I was never waitlisted and took every class I wanted to. I always had respectful and skilled professors. I never took a class with more than 50 students in it. When I bought books for my last semester, the person at the bookstore let me go to the front of the line because I had my seven month old baby with me. These were little things, but they really enhanced my education and solidified my loyalty. UVU forever!

One of the very best “little things” is that I was able to graduate debt free. It was really hard. We had to be super mindful of our spending and work instead of taking fun vacations and travelling a lot, but I am so glad we did. I learned a lot of lessons about needs versus wants and about being happy with my choices. I chose to work and put that money into school instead of other things, and that is a choice that I felt I needed to own. I tried not to be speak negatively about how we chose to spend our money because even though it was painful at times, it’s a choice we made together that was ultimately the right way for us to go.

More than anything though, I am glad that I got my degree because I accomplished a goal. I have always wanted to graduate from college, and I did. I know that this accomplishment will make me a better mother. It strengthened my faith in myself and reminded me that I can do hard things, and I can do them well. I hope that my example will impress the importance of education upon my children. I know that my education has made me a better person, and I’m excited to pay it forward and share that with those I come in contact with. Nothing can stand in my way.

Still an Individual

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about individuality. I’ve always been someone who resists being defined by others. I like to be my own person, and I try really hard not to let others’ choices and perceptions of me dictate who I am or how I live. But things shift when you get married and subsequently have a baby. In both instances, it’s easy to allow yourself to be absorbed by your spouse and/or child. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of the example of someone I love and admire. He is such a kind and thoughtful man, but he has consistently allowed himself to be absorbed by his wife. Instead of cultivating his own individuality, he has been consumed by her needs and desires. His devotion to his wife was beautiful, but when she died, I have never seen anyone more lost. It seemed like he had no concept of himself without her. Marriage involves “becoming one” with your partner which is something that personally brings me great joy. I know it is important to be unified, and I would feel like I had lost half of myself if I lost Ty, but I would still have myself, and I see tremendous value in that.

Sometimes, I find bits of myself slipping away as I get older. It’s great when I find myself letting go of selfishness and insecurity, but sometimes I find myself reminding myself that in conjunction with being a wife and mother and sister and daughter, I am still an individual. I love to read and take baths in silence. I enjoy writing to process my thoughts and feelings more deeply. I am passionate and can be loud. These are some of the things that make me who I am, and I don’t have to watch them disappear because it’s hard to make time to be a separate individual and they aren’t interests and characteristics that Ty and I share. While our similarities are what have allowed us to build a strong foundation together, our differences enrich our relationship. Over the course of the last three years, I feel like Ty and I have done a good job of maintaining our individuality while be married, but then Will was born, and as it’s supposed to, everything shifted.

The reality of parenthood is that there is far less time for yourself which is great as it helps you be more aware of the needs of others, but it’s also easy to ignore yourself and your needs. Nothing brings me more joy than being a mother, but there is also nothing that makes it easier to neglect myself. A friend of mine recently posted a picture that read something like, “Self care is not selfish.” I feel so strongly about this. Of course it’s important to prioritize your children’s needs, but it ultimately hurts your whole family if you don’t also address your own needs. I genuinely need alone time in order to maintain my mental health, and it is hard to come by as a parent. Luckily, Ty is amazing, and he is aware of my individual needs and does everything in his power to help me be the best person, spouse, and mother that I can be, but it’s something that takes almost daily effort and mindfulness.

Sometimes as a stay at home mom, I feel like I occupy a separate dimension. This is especially true in the winter. Sometimes I go days without leaving our apartment. It’s such an ordeal to get Will adequately bundled to go out in the snow, and I don’t like being cold, so we end up reading all the same books and singing all the same songs and playing with all the same toys everyday. It gets monotonous, and I don’t think it makes me a bad mom to admit that. I’ve been blessed to make some good friends since we moved to Cottonwood Heights who are in the same stage of life that I am, and that has helped me far more than I even imagined it could. I’ve always been kind of a loner, but I have never realized how much I truly need the friendship of like-minded women in my life. It has honestly made me a better person and by extension a better mom. I’m so grateful for friends and family members and especially a husband who understand my daily life and consistently help me to be better. It’s a beautiful gift.

I’m glad that I am married to a man I share so much with. I love being a mom to a child who consumes so much of my heart and mind. Being part of my family and friend groups lifts my soul and brings me joy. But I am still an individual, and I’m supposed to be.

What is Sleep?

This is how my mom left us when Will was 5 days old.

I've always been the kind of person who didn't need very much sleep. As a one year old, my mom quit giving me naps because if I took one, I wouldn't go to bed until 11. It's one of those characteristics that I've always had that I thought would be a blessing when the time came for me to have babies because I knew I wouldn't get very much sleep. And it has. I've been grateful that my body does okay without a lot of sleep. What I didn't fully grasp is the complete exhaustion that occurs when you have a baby.

This picture is one of the most genuine ones
I have of those early weeks with Will. Every
time I see it I cringe at the complete exhaustion
evidenced in my face, but this was my reality.

For the first few months of William's life, I didn't ever know what time it was. I slept when I could. While Ty was on paternity leave we kept crazy hours. Often we'd be awake in the middle of the night and sleep through the day. It mostly worked because we could take turns and just do what had to be done in order to get some rest. It got harder after Ty went back to work, and like every other new mom in the world, some nights were harder than others, but this is me. Before I got pregnant, 4 or 5 hours of sleep was enough to sustain me through the day. Pregnancy made it harder because I was so fatigued, but after Will was born I didn't feel like I needed as much sleep.

Then all of a sudden, every couple of weeks, I would just hit the wall and be so exhausted I would feel like I needed to sleep for three days straight just to function. What I learned most acutely was that functioning on few hours of sleep is different than waking up every hour for 10 hours. Never entering REM sleep is no joke. It was brutal, but just when I thought I would die from constant sleep deprivation, Will started sleeping pretty well. After that, he had a sleep regression, and today I've resigned myself to the reality that he is not a good sleeper.

I was always so relieved when I got Will to
sleep. I sent pictures like this to Ty at work a
lot because I knew he could appreciate them.

I don't know why Will doesn't nap or sleep well, but I do know that when people talk about newborns sleeping all the time, it doesn't apply to my baby. From the time he was born to the present, Will consistently has taken naps that only last 30-45 minutes at a time. It's our normal, but it's been hard to get used to. People always tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but when your baby only sleeps for short bursts of time, it's really hard to do that. In fact, trying to sleep while Will slept only made me resentful. I would put him down and by the time I had gone to the bathroom, taken a drink, and settled into bed to try to sleep, he would be awake again.

This summer has marked an interesting change in Will's sleep patterns. He'd be doing okay, and then we'd go to a family reunion and his whole schedule would deteriorate. We'd figure it out when we got home, and then we would have to leave again. One time he got an ear infection. Through the last weeks of summer, he was finally sleeping okay at night, but then I went back to school, and his sleep regressed again.

The sleep battle was never fought alone.

Being the only child right now means he gets a lot of cuddles when Ty and I are around. I think that with us both in school again, Will just misses all the connection. When he wakes up at night, he usually just needs a snuggle. Sometimes he wants to nurse, but a lot of the time I just rub his back or rock him and he settles down. Ty and I have even coslept with him a few times because he sleeps so much better with at least one of us next to him to reassure him when he wakes up.

I know it's normal for babies to wake up periodically through the night. I just didn't fully comprehend the scope of the amount of energy that goes into taking care of an infant night and day for weeks and months on end. I've spent hours googling how to help my baby sleep better, and basically what I've learned is that some babies just don't sleep very well, and this hopefully won't last forever. We've tried different sleep training methods. We have a solid bedtime routine. We use white noise and a humidifier. While each of these things has helped to varying degrees, Will just isn't a great sleeper, and neither was I. (I even apologized to my mom for that recently).

I love my sweet baby, and I've spent a lot of time holding him so he gets decent sleep. Ty even bought an amazing rocking chair that I've spent countless hours in as I've soothed and fed and read to and sung to our baby. It's pretty comfy for me to sleep in, so it works pretty well in moments of desperation. I just wish someone had honestly told me that on top of adjusting to being a new mom, there's always a possibility that your wonderful, sweet new baby won't sleep well and no amount of sleep training will help. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in this struggle. I know this stage of sleep deprivation won't last forever, so for now I'll just try to remember that and enjoy the extra snuggles.

Mimi holds him for naps a lot when she's around.
I think it's one of the reasons why Will loves her so much.

So Far, So Good

Best Buddies

When Will was born, I wasn't in a rush to get on a schedule. Being a stay at home mom and having only one child meant that I could go with the flow relatively well. Basically, for the last 7 months I've breastfed on demand and put Will down for a nap when he acts tired. It's been on about a 3 hour rotation for a while, but it isn't really very structured. I like having flexibility in our day, and I feel like Will thrives on it even though I know other babies might not. I'm not saying it's the only way to live with a baby, but it works for us.

Over the course of the summer I've felt anxious about his lack of a schedule, knowing that he'll be spending two afternoons a week with his grandmas. Miraculously, over the last few weeks, Will has developed a pretty clear schedule with no help from me. He eats on the hour at multiples of 3. He takes 3 naps a day that fit right in there. It's been a huge blessing and a relief. The only other major thing that concerned me when it came to leaving him was breastfeeding.

After our rough start with breastfeeding, I wasn't sure how long we'd stick with it, but now Will is still going strong, and neither of us are ready to wean. In conjunction with that reality is my love/hate relationship with my breast pump. Although I'm grateful for the convenience of being able to pump when I need to and the fact that it helped my supply issue, I really hate pumping, and the thought of pumping in the car on my commute to UVU makes me want to scream in frustration.

So I decided that I won't do it. Instead, Will's 3:00 afternoon feeding has been replaced with baby food instead of breast milk. We've been doing this for the last few weeks, and to my relief, Will has been doing really well. That makes me happy, and it's actually helped me feel better about leaving him. (Plus, it means no more mid-church meeting breastfeeding sessions. Can I get a ”hallelujah?!”)

I think subconsciously one of my worries is that Will will learn to prefer someone else to me, and selfishly, I want to be Will's favorite. I've really enjoyed having a mama’s boy around who just wants snuggles from me and only me sometimes. I'm just not ready to lose that yet, but today, after all the prayers I've offered and the tears I've cried, it's finally okay with me. If Will is ready to move away from me a little, I can let him. Happily, he still loves to snuggle with me. He's been a little more clingy since I went back to school, but overall, it's been good just like I knew it would. And hey, only 28 more classes until I'm finished!

Separation Anxiety

This is Will's favorite spot.

This summer has been busy and hectic, and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath right before I jump back into school for my final semester. I’ve loved being home with Will all summer. He is so much fun. I love watching him learn and grow. It’s also fun to know that I’m his favorite person. He is a complete Mama’s boy right now which makes sense since I’m with him 99% of his time. He loves to snuggle and talk to me, and he’s gotten to the point where he gets really frustrated if he can’t see me. I love that he’s so snuggly and loves me so much, but it’s been tough to have him be so clingy recently especially since I’m going to be leaving him for a few hours twice a week in order to go to class.

When Ty and I got married, I didn’t think that we’d have kids before I graduated. Then when we knew we were supposed to start having kids, I realized that my timeline was going to be different than I had originally projected (like every other aspect of my life). I’ve been really blessed to be able to finish all but three classes without leaving Will with a babysitter. Now though, I have to take my last 9 credits in person. I’ve been dreading going back to school since Will was born in January.

More than anything else, I have always wanted to be a mom, and now I am. It’s also been a goal for me to get my bachelor’s degree, and I am blessed to be in a situation where I can do both, but it still hurts my heart to know that I’ll be leaving my sweet little boy. I know it isn’t for very long, and I know I’m lucky because I can leave him with his grandmas. I know I’ll never regret finishing college, and I know that 31 afternoons away from my baby (yes, I counted) isn’t going to kill him or destroy our bond. I know that this is a better time to finish my degree than trying to go back to school in a few years when I have more children, but that doesn’t change the fact that I would rather not leave him at all.

Even though I know that it’s normal for Will to be getting clingy and having some separation anxiety at this stage in his life, I think my own separation anxiety might be worse than Will’s. I worry about leaving Will a lot. I know logically that it will be okay, but that doesn’t soothe me. So I’ve decided to let myself feel what I need to feel. Leaving Will is going to be hard for me, and that’s okay. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. I can do anything for four months, and I know I’ll be better for it when this is all over. Now pass me the tissues.