Where We Are

I feel like Tyler and I are in kind of an interesting place right now. He’s finishing up his last semester of college for his undergraduate degree, and I’m halfway through mine. He’s gearing up for graduate school (let’s face it, I am too), and we’re both working part time which is great. It just feels like we’re sort of in between. It’s like sometimes we aren’t really “big kids” yet, and other times I feel like we’re ancient. (I usually feel that way when I’m falling asleep at 7:00). We’re also anticipating a transition.

One of the top goals in our marriage has been to be debt free for as long as possible, more specifically, until we buy a house. We have been showered with blessings, and so far, we have been able to get through school and pay for our expenses without going into debt. With graduate school on the horizon though, it’s getting tougher, and school is not getting cheaper. With that in mind, Tyler has been job shopping with hopes of finding a full time job that can help us to be able to keep meeting our goals. He has some amazing opportunities looking up, and I’ll blog about those when we know what’s going on.

I’ve also been looking to move up. I still work at UVU, and I really love where I work, but the pay isn’t fabulous, and the tasks are pretty boring. I applied for another job in the same office that offers higher pay as well as three credit hour tuition waivers per semester and a more varied load of work. I have an interview on Tuesday, so that will be interesting.

On the threshold of change, I’m having a hard time identifying how I feel about it. It’s so wonderful to be moving forward and progressing, but it’s also daunting. I’ve never been very good at waiting, but now it seems like that’s what we’ll be doing. We’re waiting to hear about new job possibilities and Tyler’s immediate educational future. We’re waiting for summer to come. We’re waiting for this next phase of life. I keep learning that I need to be more patient which is always fun. But I’ve also been able to enjoy this journey more than any of the past “waiting periods” of my life, and that’s because I have the greatest partner. He works so hard, and I’m blessed to be part of his life and have him in mine.

Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam

It seems like my life is this swirling combination of work, school, Tyler, and primary. At any given moment, one of these four things will be demanding my attention with little deviation. Presently, I’m sitting in class, but I’m thinking about primary and how to help our class. At the end of December, the primary president asked Tyler and I to move from teaching the four and five year olds to teaching the sunbeams. We accepted and looked forward to teaching a new class. After nine months of teaching the CTR 4 class, I felt pretty prepared.

I wasn’t. I’ve written before about how overwhelmed I was after we started teaching primary, but this was different. We initially had eleven children on our roll. Our stake had just realigned the ward boundaries, so the primary was undergoing some serious changes, and we were some of the only teachers that stayed in our ward. After doing some recon and meeting the kids in our class, we ended up with nine. Anyone who has ever spent time with nine three-year-olds knows how crazy they can be.

Something I’ve learned is that every class has its own dynamic. Ours is very unique. We have two that are difficult. They push our buttons and are aggressive with us and the other kids. We have two more that don’t ever sit. They run in circles and do somersaults regardless of what we do. One of the kids in our class is deaf. We have two other kids that talk nonstop. They’re anxious to share their thoughts and tell stories at every opportunity. The last two are relatively quiet and sometimes get overshadowed by their louder and more rambunctious counterparts. That’s the general energy in our class, but that doesn’t account for the days when they (or we) are especially attentive or rowdy. Regardless, we get home every week exhausted.

Our primary president armed us with knowledge going into the new year, and that was unbelievably helpful. We have amazing leaders in our primary. I don’t feel judged, but I feel supported. It’s been such a blessing. When our primary president told us about our class, she mentioned that they might need to split the class or call a third teacher. After the first week, I felt great. After the second week, I felt like the class needed to be split. Now, after eight weeks, I still sometimes feel impatient or frustrated, but I have also become really attached to our little sunbeams. I understand if our leaders need to split the class, but part of me hopes they don’t. I hope they don’t split the class because it would break my heart to lose any one of them.

Anyway, here’s a list of some things I’ve learned from being a sunbeam teacher so far.

• It’s always appropriate to sing a fun song.
• Whether we sing “Rain is Falling,” “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam,” “Once There Was a Snowman,” or “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” etc, it always causes some giggles and makes class more fun.
• Taking turns is hard.
• I’ve never seen more children who want to say the prayer at the beginning or end of class. Sometimes, we end up saying several in order to keep the peace, and that’s okay.
• Sometimes, you just really need a snack.
• I used to be anti-snacks in primary, but with our class, it’s nearly impossible to go without a snack. The three-year-olds in our class have already been sitting still for two hours before we are in class together. Often they’re tired and hungry, and a handful of pretzels makes everyone feel better. Plus, it keeps their mouths full, so they’re relatively quiet.
• Everyone has something to share.
• When I ask a question as part of the lesson, I have to be prepared to listen to each child. They all want a chance to share what they know, and a lot of times, it has nothing to do with the lesson, but everyone deserves to be listened to.
• A hug can fix any kind of hurt.
• Whether you’ve fallen off of your chair or someone hurt your feelings, a hug can make it better. Sometimes at the end of church, my lap is really tired, but I love that the sweet children in our class insist that I can make them feel better with a simple hug or kiss.
• Reading books is pure magic.
• I have a book about reverence called “Monday I Was a Monkey.” When I read it in class, the kids were enraptured. I’ve never seen them so still or excited about something.
• Beanbags are magical too.
• I will never again be caught at church without a beanbag on my person. In both of our primary classes, they’ve loved having the chance to catch the beanbag in order to answer a question or share a story. It helps everyone pay attention and makes listening more fun.
• The kids who act out are often the ones who need some extra love.
• There are several children in our class that are a little bit difficult to interact with, but what I’ve learned is that those children need some extra love and attention. Sometimes they need more turns than the other kids, or they need responsibility or a special assignment.
• There’s no such thing as a cookie cutter kid.
• Every child is different. There’s no recipe for how to teach every child or what is going to be each child’s favorite activity. I don’t like to be part of blanket-statements, so I shouldn’t consign three-year-olds to them.
• Consistency is a must.
• People need consistency, and children do too. I’ve noticed that the children in our class look forward to having the same teachers every week. If Tyler doesn’t come into the primary room with me for one reason or another, I answer to nine children as to if Brother Johns is here today and why he isn’t there yet. It’s so important to be able to build relationships with children you teach.
• Life isn’t consistent.
• Even though consistency is super important, it’s also hard to nail down. Just because one week class goes well, does not guarantee that next week will be successful. This inconsistency exists in each person too. Sometimes, one activity will be awesome one time and horrible the next. One child may be docile one minute and hyper the next. That’s what life is like. We can’t expect things to always go smoothly.
• Jesus wants us all the be sunbeams.
• We can all shine as brightly as the sweet three-year-olds that I get to spend time with each week. If it’s hard to remember that we all have light to share, take a leaf out of your local three-year-old’s book. Even when they are being naughty or challenging your patience, they can reflect love and light, and we should do our best to do that too.

We're missing a few in this picture,
but here we are in our sunbeam glory.

Writing and Introversion

I’ve been thinking today about why I write. I’m an English major. My study usually includes reading and writing, so why is it that I want to write for fun? My conclusion: it’s my outlet, and it’s a way to communicate and interact with the world. It doesn’t matter if no one ever reads this blog, and I don’t mind if people critique the writing. I just need a place to get my thoughts out.

The truth is that I am more withdrawn than ever. A lot of people come out of their shells in college. They make tons of friends and do things they’ve never done. They reach out and reinvent themselves. They come into their own. I’ve done those things. The difference is that for me, that means being who I really am. And that is a person that likes to be at home reading books and baking, okay eating, cookies. I have a lot of friends in my program, but we don’t hang out. It’s not personal. It’s who we are. Don’t misunderstand--I love spending time with people and connecting, but I’m a one-on-one kind of girl. I love being in small groups. Large gatherings are not my happy place, so reading and writing are right up my alley.

So, in part, writing is a way for me to be myself. I can communicate and get my thoughts out without being in a crowded space with a lot of people. I can sit at home and connect with my husband instead of being in public where I feel out of sorts and at odds with my surroundings. My best evenings and days are spent in small groups with people I know well. I like to have long talks, especially with Tyler, and I like to read books and write a blog that isn't read very extensively. Sometimes I act this way and get branded as antisocial or distant. I’m not trying to avoid you, and I’m not disinterested in what you have to say. I’m just not in my element. And I don’t think I’m the only one.

When I was in high school, my best weekends were spent with just a few close friends either watching a movie, making treats, or chatting, usually a combination of all of that. Sometimes, my friends and I would read together which doesn't sound social, but it was wonderful for me. I have a couple friends who would come over to my house, and we would take naps. I felt bad sometimes that I didn't go to all the dances and sporting events, but I knew what it would be like. I would sit in the student section and wish that I was at home reading a book or talking to someone instead of yelling and jumping. 

My senior year of high school, I embraced that part of myself, but not before I spent my junior year as a cheerleader and pushed myself to the point of exhaustion in my attempt to be "involved" and "fun." Loud and busy social interaction just isn't my happy place. I like to be alone, and that's okay. I've learned a lot about being myself, and the most important part of being an introvert for me is being okay with being an introvert in a world geared towards extroverts.

A little while ago, I stumbled across a ted talk about the power of introverts, and it made me want to walk around with it constantly playing on my back. I felt like someone eloquently explained my life in nineteen minutes. Then I realized that I wasn’t the only person who would rather sit at home with a book than go to a dance. So maybe even though this blog has little to no circulation or popularity, someday, someone will see this confession and know that they’re not alone.

Confrontation and Me

I've been thinking about confrontation lately. It's been on my mind mostly because I often hear people say, "I'm really non confrontational" like it's the worst personality trait. Then I hear other people say "I really shouldn't be so confrontational." So which is better? Why do we perceive that both confrontation and the lack of confrontation are negative things? It's frustrating, and I decided to share a little bit of my story of learning to love myself.

I’ve always seen myself as a mixture of a peacemaker and a confrontational debater. Even though it may seem like that’s not necessary a bad thing, it was a really difficult part of my personality to navigate. Where for some people, this combination would be positive, it just showed me that I could be passive-aggressive. This is best illustrated in my life from ages 12-14. During those years, I stewed endlessly about the things that really bothered me in order to salvage relationships, but then I would end up exploding about something that didn’t even really matter to me. It may be cheesy to say, but I read The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, and it helped me a lot.

People who didn’t know me during my explosive years or still don’t know me well might be surprised by the fact that I am a red/white combination, but as I read the book, I realized that there were aspects of my personality that needed some help. Instead of bottling up my frustration, I tried to communicate it effectively by confronting the real issues, not the unimportant things. It was a painful process of trying to figure out who I really was and how I could communicate with people in a way that was positive and clear. This was most often the case in interactions with my parents. It wasn’t until after I embraced the confrontational side of me that our relationship was able to mend and progress.

It’s too bad that confrontation has such a negative connotation because all it literally means is to face something. When we confront fear, it’s a great thing, but then the word skews and changes to be negative when it’s transferred to social interaction. That’s fine, but I’m saying that it was vital for me to accept and embrace that part of me even though confrontation perceived as negative in most circumstances. But I also had to accept that there is a part of me that wants to be a peacemaker and keep people happy. It’s still a balance everyday. I try to actively think about what I’m saying, but I fail a lot. I hurt people’s feelings. I communicate in confusing ways. And I sometimes cause problems. But I’m still doing my best to figure that all out.

Marrying Tyler introduced a new dimension to my struggle with confrontation and peacemaking. Tyler is most definitely non confrontational. (According to the color code he’s a white/yellow personality). He has a magnetic personality, and he’s constantly acting as the peacemaker in every aspect of our lives: family, friends, primary etc. The amazing thing about this part of Tyler is that instead of these opposite aspects of our personalities causing friction and contention, it strengthens us as a unit. Because we cover both ends of the spectrum, for the most part, we are able to balance our communication. I won’t let big issues rest and simmer, and he makes it so that we don’t end up wasting energy on something unimportant.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that Tyler and I make a good team because we’re different. Maybe another time I’ll write about our similarities because that’s a longer list, but today I want to point out that our differences in communication make us stronger in our relationship. Together we’re becoming a fuller spectrum of color and variety. I’ve mentioned before that Tyler is a lot more fun than I am, and I stand by that. We bring different things to our relationship, and I don’t ever want to live in a world where we can’t strengthen each other and become better together.

It's Been A Year

A year ago Tyler and I got married. Our wedding day dawned snowy and freezing, but I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I had been praying for snow to make the pictures absolutely gorgeous, and they were (although it did make it so that a few of our family members couldn’t make the trip. Sorry). The night before our wedding I was in Kamas. I went to a dear friend’s wedding reception, and then spent the night hours talking to some of my dear friends in a bachelorette party of sorts. Really it was just a gathering of Hailey, Merilee, Hannah, and I, and we just talked. It was a lovely way to spend my last night as a single lady. It didn’t feel real that I would be getting married the next day.

After about five hours of sleep (maybe…), I was ready to get the show on the road. I woke up early to put together a Christmas present for Tyler; I couldn’t sleep anyway. Still it didn’t feel real. I couldn’t believe that I was really about to marry Tyler forever. I didn’t have regrets or feel nervous. I was just kind of passive. We got to the church in American Fork where the luncheon was, and I said hello to family and close friends, but it was sort of a dream. Then I saw Tyler. It was the longest we had gone being apart from each other in a month, and suddenly, I was filled with so much love and joy. He kissed me, and I knew that I would never look back and feel regret.

I remember that we were late to the temple, but we got there before our escorts. I remember feeling so happy and peaceful, and I remember how whole I felt when the ceremony was over, and Tyler and I were bound together. I remember getting dressed in a little more than ten minutes, and the ordinance workers were amazed. Everyone told me they loved my dress, and I got to tell them that it had belonged to my grandmother, and she had worn it forty-four years and two days earlier. I could list a million silly details of what I remember, but I mostly just remember the wholeness that I felt with Tyler.

Now a year has passed, and I still feel a wholeness and oneness with Tyler. I know him even better now, and we’ve become even closer. As much as I loved Tyler on our wedding day, I love him even more now. I know his heart, and he knows mine. There are so many days when I feel overwhelmed by the blessings in my life. Being married to Tyler is my greatest gift. I’m so grateful for his partnership and love. The last year has brought happiness and laughter as well as sadness and tears. We've faced disappointment and discouragement. We bought a motorcycle. We've taught primary. We've eaten delicious food, attended funerals, and watched lots of movies. I'm a better person because of all of these things, but especially because I got to experience them with Tyler.

Give Thanks

The missionaries joined us too.

Whew! I am behind on this blogging thing. I just thought I’d share a little about Thanksgiving. We spent Thanksgiving in Kamas this year, and it was wonderful. The food was amazing; it always is when Dianne is at the helm. ;) Plus, I was able to spend time with my cute siblings and veg a little bit. We had the whole week off of school, so Tyler and I didn’t have any class which was nice, but we both worked the beginning of the week. Unfortunately, bills do not pay themselves.

The most fun part of Thanksgiving was just spending time with family. We busted out Harry Potter Clue, and it was a blast. The month of November was pretty emotionally taxing, especially since we said goodbye to Great, but there is still such a feeling of joy when you get to spend time with the people you love. :)

My cousin, Ashlee Smoot, was diagnosed with colon cancer a little while ago, so we got #teamashlee shirts to support her. You can read more about her story here. She is an amazing woman. We’re praying and cheering for her.

We made gingerbread houses at my Grandma Goates’s house, and it was fun. It’s always been one of my favorite traditions. We also slid off the road on our way up to the house. That was an adventure as well. I’m grateful everyone is okay, and the car seems to be running just fine.

After gingerbread houses, Tyler and I took Molly, Lily, and Jonny home with us for a sleepover. It was fun to have them with us, and I especially loved having them in our primary class. The kids get really excited about visitors.

Molly was awake; Lily and Jonny were not.

We met back up with my parents at Temple Square to hear Hailey and Riley sing with the Tapestry. They did an awesome job.

This Thanksgiving I’m most grateful for my wonderful husband and everything I’ve learned after being married for almost a year. I’m also grateful for the gospel, school, a good job, Winco, and bobby pins (among other things).

Be Thou Humble In Thy Calling

Tyler and I are primary teachers. We teach the CTR 4 class, and that means that on Sundays we get to play with four and five-year-olds instead of going to Sunday School and Relief Society and Elders Quorum. Tyler thinks it’s a great gig. I do too, but some weeks I miss Relief Society. When we were first called to be primary teachers, I was excited, and then we taught our first lesson, and I was freaking out. We got home from church after our first week as primary teachers, and I was a basket-case. I told Tyler that there was no way I could be a primary teacher. I’m not fun enough. I’m not creative enough. I’m not patient enough. Basically, I’m not enough.

Tyler assured me that we would figure it out and get into the swing of things, but I was doubtful. How could I really be a good primary teacher when Tyler and I both were in school full time and working part time? When would I be able to prepare the lessons? How was I going to not lose my mind in a room full of eight energetic four-year-olds? I took a step back and figured we would do the best we could and hopefully the kids would enjoy it and sometimes remember something spiritual. I was amazed when I was set apart. The man performing the blessing blessed me that I would be able to manage my time well and even have extra time for my hobbies. He also blessed me to be inspired to know what specific things the children in our classes needed. I felt peaceful after that, if still a little overwhelmed. Then I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t have been called if I couldn’t do it, so I got to work.

I called my mom after that first week and she gave me a “bag of tricks.” It’s this magic bag full of primary bingo cards, bean bags, wands, puzzles, a matching game and all other things that make four-year-olds’ worlds go round. I went back to church, and things went a little better, but we had a major reverence problem. I could not figure out how to teach little kids to sit still and listen. It was easy in class because I could let them stand up and twirl around or hop on one leg for a minute, but they couldn’t listen during sharing time at all. I pondered and prayed and came to the conclusion that we would do the best we could, and we would make reverence books during class. We worked on a page a week, and then I took them home and laminated them and put them together.

It was a project inspired by a reverence book I had made to help me be reverent during the sacrament when I was in primary. They had words to our favorite primary songs and pictures of my favorite temples and of Jesus and of my family. It worked for me, so I figured I would give it a try with our class. The kids loved them almost as much as they loved using glue sticks to make them. Slowly, the kids in our class began to be more reverent. I don’t know if it can be traced back to the reverence books, but I was grateful for the improvement.

Last Sunday, the sacrament meeting talks were about humility. They were fantastic, and I found myself nodding along with everything they said. Then one of the speakers read the words of the hymn Be Thou Humble. It’s one of my favorite hymns. I’ve always loved it, but it had been a long time since I listened to the words of the second verse. It says:

“Be thou humble in thy calling, and the Lord thy God shall teach thee

To serve his children gladly with a pure and gentle love.

Be thou humble in thy longing, and the Lord thy God shall take thee,

Shall take thee home at last to ever dwell with him above.”

I was so moved. I know that we are all God’s children, but I had literally been teaching children about Jesus and about the gospel. I realized that I had been blessed “to serve his children gladly with a pure and gentle love.” I didn’t start out feeling that way, but over the course of the last eight months, I have truly learned to love those crazy, wonderful children in a new and special way, the way that God loves them.

I gave the kids the books they had made. The excitement in their eyes was amazing. Several of the children told me that they loved me and gave me perfect hugs that only children can give. I was so humbled by the love that I have come to feel for each child. So often I have had glimpses of the love Heavenly Father has for these sweet children in our class. I am in awe of the strong personalities that they have that will help them stand up for what’s right as they continue to grow and learn. I feel so blessed to be their teacher.