The Longest Weeks

I’ve always heard that the last few weeks of pregnancy are the longest, and that seems to be true. Although I’m trying to maintain a healthy perspective, the days of anticipation are dragging by one at a time. I have been grateful to not be in school though. It’s been so nice to be able to take it easy and not worry about class and homework. I’ve also been able to get more much-needed sleep. The sleep deprivation of the third trimester is no joke. We’ve also had a shift though because while I’m at home without a job or class to go to, Tyler has gone back to school and now he has to navigate his full time job and a master’s degree.

For the most part, I have really enjoyed being pregnant. It’s been miraculous to feel life grow within my body, and I have been fortunate to not have complications or even be too sick. Even considering all of that and my attempt at a good perspective, this last week has been the longest of my life. I’m so ready to be able to snuggle and love on this baby I already feel so close to and bonded with. I’m also looking forward to sleeping on my stomach again regardless of the length of the increments.

I’m just tired of waiting. I know there’s a natural time frame for the gestational process, but I’m ready for it to be over. Logically, I understand that my baby is safe in my womb. He’s comfortable and growing better there than he would in my arms. I also know that most women go past their due dates when they have their first baby, so logically I know that my baby could reasonably and safely come as late as February 6 even though my due date is January 23. Today I’m 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant. So even though the baby could come as late as the beginning of February, I know that he could also come anytime now.

Again I find myself learning patience. I know I’m going to be getting a lot of that through my experiences as a mom, and I now just have an early start on that. I get to keep playing the waiting game while I wait for this baby to make his grand entrance into the world. In the meantime, I’ll read books for fun, get more and more excited for the baby’s birth, and try not to drive myself crazy while I wait.

Reflections on 2015

When Ty and I were celebrating our second wedding anniversary, we were reflecting on our last year together. It’s been a wild year. The obvious highlight was getting pregnant and preparing for our family to grow. It’s been so wonderful and humbling, and the upcoming arrival of our baby has definitely been a focus, but we’ve also been busy with other hard things and some fun adventures.

Ty and I both earned degrees; Ty finished his bachelor’s, and I got my associate’s. Both of us being in school was challenging, but it was rewarding too. We saw each other less than we would have liked, but we consistently learned that we could do more than we thought we could. Following graduation, Ty got a “big kid” job working for Goldman Sachs. His job has been such a blessing since he started working there in June. He has already learned so much and is enjoying the opportunities facing him.

Our year was full of travels which is something I’ve always enjoyed. In May we went out to Maryland to visit Ty’s brother and his family. We had so much fun in Washington DC, Amish country in Pennsylvania, Baltimore, and other fun places on the East Coast. It was so fun to spend time with family while on vacation.

A few weeks later we made it to Oceanside, California with my parents and siblings. Ty learned to surf, but I laid low since I had just discovered that I was pregnant. Instead of surfing, I lounged on the beach and read books for fun which made for a change from my pattern during school. I love the beach and had so much fun being on vacation with my siblings again.

At the end of July, Ty left for training in New York, and I followed a few days later. The fun that we had in New York is something I will always treasure. Even though we didn’t stay together, we were able to do some incredible things. There’s something so special about being a couple, a unit, and trying new things together. We spent time in an exciting city before our family of two becomes a family of three, and I am grateful for that.

Leaving Ty in New York was more emotional than I even thought it would be. We spent a month apart, and it was the most difficult part of the year. Ty has been amazing through my pregnancy. From rubbing my feet to making me food to encouraging me to nap when I need it, he has been a rock, and I would not have had such a smooth pregnancy without him. Being apart was difficult. Luckily, Hailey had moved to Orem. She was so good about checking in with me and helping me. Even though it was exhausting and challenging to live alone, I learned that I am more capable than I thought and my Savior will always help me if I only ask.

That seemed to be the lesson of the year. I decided to take eighteen credits for the fall semester, fifteen of which came from English classes. I learned so much, but it was pretty overwhelming. There were days when I didn’t accomplish anything because I had no idea how or where to start. In those times I felt so much support and love from my Savior, and I ended up doing well in school and enjoying the semester more than I even thought I would.

My reflections on this year have left me feeling grateful and humbled. I’m so grateful for the experiences we’ve had, and I’m so excited for all that 2016 has in store.

A review in photos:

Comfort from Conference

When Sister Wixom started her talk during the Women's Session of General Conference by talking about the miracle of birth, I was reminded again that there always seems to be something just for me in the messages from the leaders of the church. Obviously childbirth is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately, and Sister Wixom's words about our divine nature from birth really struck me. How marvelous to be able to know that I have a Father in Heaven who knows me personally and knows my unborn child in the same powerful and individual way. I'm just barely embarking on the journey of parenthood, but I'm constantly amazed by the new impressions I'm blessed with every day.

I still remember each of my siblings (with the exception of Hailey) being brought home from the hospital. It was always such a special time in our house when there was a new baby. Not only did it give my dolls a break, but there is a special piece of heaven each baby brings with them. It’s something that points back to the divinity of God. Thinking about the divinity within each person has had me thinking a lot about the divinity of my unborn child and the responsibility I have as a parent to teach my child (and subsequent children) about the light within each of us that comes from being a child of a Heavenly Father.

Such a heavy task completely overwhelms me sometimes. I look at the amazing parents all around me in the forms of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends, and I am amazed by all they have accomplished in their roles as parents. Some days I am overwhelmed by the task of being a parent. Other days I feel empowered. After listening to the Women’s Session of General Conference, I felt empowered. That’s one of the reasons that I am looking forward to this weekend. I’m hoping to gain more wisdom and understanding about my role as a mother.

April Conference calmed many of my anxieties about parenthood as it occurred right when Tyler and I had decided to follow the prompting to start our family. It seemed like so many of the talks revolved around the importance of marriage and having a family. Even though the prospect of being responsible for this special spirit is daunting, I found myself comforted by the words of apostles as I so often am. In the past few months, when I find myself overwhelmed and anxious, I have found peace in many conference talks from April. Here are a few quotes that have brought me comfort in the process of preparing to be a mother.

“God ordained that men and women should marry and give birth to children, thereby creating, in partnership with God, the physical bodies that are key to the test of mortality and essential to eternal glory with Him. He also ordained that parents should establish families and rear their children in light and truth, leading them to a hope in Christ.” -D. Todd Christofferson

“The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth has never been rescinded. It is essential to the plan of redemption and is the source of human happiness. Through the righteous exercise of this power, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fulness of joy, even godhood. The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness.” -Boyd K Packer

“We also believe that strong traditional families are not only the basic units of a stable society, a stable economy, and a stable culture of values—but that they are also the basic units of eternity and of the kingdom and government of God.” -L. Tom Perry

“A legal and lawful marriage sealed in the temple and in which the sealing covenants are honored gives parents and their children the opportunity for the best experience of love and preparation for a fruitful life. It offers them the ideal environment in which they can live their covenants made with God.” -Joseph W. Sitati

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2015/04?lang=eng

Unprepared

Overall, I thought I was fairly prepared for the process of pregnancy. Mostly I felt this way because I’ve been surrounded by pregnancy my whole life. I watched my mom carry five little siblings, and in between and during those pregnancies my aunts and friends’ moms were experiencing similar things. I grew up overhearing stories about crazy cravings and having to pee all the time and strange dreams and sore backs. But I’ve found that nothing can really prepare you for the realities of childbearing, and I’m just beginning the process.

I never realized how hard it was to keep a secret until I found out I was pregnant. Up until then, the secrets I’d had were easy to keep. I was unprepared for how many emotions and feelings I would experience when I found out we were really having a baby. I was so excited. I was overwhelmed. I was overjoyed. I was sick. Having a secret with Tyler was fun at first, but then I started having questions that I didn’t want to ask Google, and I wanted to share our excitement with the other people we love. That’s why we told people so soon. I couldn’t wait anymore.

It’s interesting how having a baby is simultaneously an intensely personal and communal experience. I was surprised by all the feedback I started getting when we announced that we were going to be parents. People have shared ways to cope with morning sickness, which books to read, some must have purchases, and other things that have helped with the pregnancy process as a whole. It’s been such a big blessing to have friends and family members who have done this before share their wisdom with me. I’m grateful for women who have had powerful and sacred experiences while pregnant and in childbirth that they have shared with me. The support that I’ve experienced has been touching and overwhelming. All this feedback has strengthened a conclusion I came to quite a while ago, and that is, birth (and pregnancy and parenthood) is a powerful experience.

I’m so grateful for parents who taught me that birth is amazing and that my body was made to be able to participate in this amazing process of growing a human in my womb. The knowledge that I have about my own body has been so empowering throughout my pregnancy so far. I also love that I have midwives who really listen when I have questions and concerns and who validate my feelings instead of brushing them off. These women have been such a blessing in my life already. Their knowledge and compassion strengthens me. I wasn’t prepared for that.

I also didn’t realize that I would immediately bond to the baby inside me. I didn't know that I would think about him constantly. I couldn't comprehend the way it feels to feel a fetus squirming, kicking, and somersaulting around. Now I treasure those feelings. I love sitting with Tyler with his hand on my belly as we wait for our baby to make his presence known to us. It's magical and sacred to know that we've created a life together.

Perhaps the most significant thing I was not prepared for was the way my love for Tyler has grown exponentially through this experience. Whenever Ty talks to the baby or rubs my belly or talks about our future as a family, I find myself tearing up. I already knew I had married a compassionate man, but he has gone above and beyond in taking care of me since I've been pregnant. I know that having a baby will change our life even more when he's born, but he's already making an impact on our life, and he's captured our hearts.

Deja Vu

My sister Hailey just started college a month ago. While Tyler was in New York and I was here, I got to spend a lot of time with her. It's been so fun to be in the same city again and to be able to get together without it being an ordeal. It's also offered an interesting opportunity for reflection. I met Ty the day before I started classes. Even though Hailey doesn't think she's met her soulmate yet, I've been reflecting a lot on my own experience.

I've written before about how the timing of my marriage to Tyler wasn't what I had planned and how blessed I've been on God's timeline instead of my own. It's a lesson I think I'm going to keep learning over and over again. In my mind, I always thought that around my second wedding anniversary we would be ready to talk about having kids. If that were the case, I wouldn't be pregnant yet.

In March I felt very strongly that we needed to consider our family planning timeline. It was a crazy time for us. Ty was about to graduate, and he was trying to get a full time job lined up, but he hadn't heard anything yet. I was just trying to survive the semester, but the prompting persisted. One night in the temple, Tyler and I knew that having a baby needed to be on our radar sooner than we had planned.

I was again struck by the fact that this wasn't what I had thought it would be. I wanted to graduate first. I wanted Tyler to have his own insurance for our family. I wanted to be a little more established. Instead, I elected to place my trust in God. Tyler was offered his position at Goldman Sachs before I found out I was pregnant, and that blessing alleviated many of my concerns.

Finding out I was pregnant was a joyous moment. I've never wanted to be anything more than I've wanted to be a mother, and now that blessing is being extended to me. Like most wonderful opportunities, it's changed my plans. I won't be graduating in April 2016, but I honestly feel peaceful about that. I'm still going to finish my degree; it will just be on an extended deadline. I know that my education is important, but I also know that right now is the time for me to become a mother, and that's a gift.

11 Items of Gratefulness

After my frustration and general negativity in my last post, I decided to post about some things I’m really grateful for right now. The pressures and frustrations are still pressing on my mind, but I'm not letting the negativity win today. There are some things I’m pretty much always thankful for: Tyler, our apartment, a bus pass, the gospel of Jesus Christ, family etc., but here’s a list of some random extra things.

• Buttercup, the Motorcycle
• I love that Tyler has a motorcycle. We have so much fun riding together, and it makes him so happy. It’s truly been a blessing in our life.
• The amazing ladies I work with
• Seriously, my coworkers are incredible women. Working at UVU in the Transfer Credit department has been a life saver. There is something so wonderful about having a community of women to help me and for me to rely on.

• My new job
• I used to hate how repetitive my job was. I loved the hours and location, but doing data entry for four hours every day is mind-numbing to say the least. My new job is a lot more varied and engaging.

Meet "Molcajete." A rock filled with chicken, steak, and shrimp
in a sauce made of deliciousness and served with rice,  beans,
tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, avocados, and topped with a giant pepper.

• Delicious food
• Tyler and I found an amazing restaurant in Orem called Maria Bonita last August, and it has become our favorite. When we go out to eat (which isn’t very often), we go there. We can eat for $20 or less, and the atmosphere is fun too.
• Amazon
• This may be silly, but I was able to order an Easter gift for Tyler on Monday, and I got it today with Prime shipping which I have for free as a student. It’s so nice to be able to shop online.

• Sunshine
• I love that the sun has been shining more lately. It boosts my mood in such a big way.
• Uncle Scotty’s Truck
• Tyler and I finally bought a bed on Friday. (We’ve been sleeping on a mattress for eight months). I had looked around before, and we knew what we wanted, but we didn’t feel like a bed was at the top of our list of needs since it’s expensive. Anyway, we found one at the DownEast outlet in Orem for an amazing deal, and my uncle Scotty took time out of his day to come and help us move it into our house. It was so kind of him, and we are so grateful.

• Awesome sequined shoes
• I happened to be at my parents’ house when my grandma brought boxes and boxes of my Grandma Great’s shoes over. I happened upon a pair of multi-colored sequined shoes. They made me miss Great so much, but since then, I’ve been able to wear them when I miss her or need some extra glitz in my life, and I’m convinced that they’re magic. (I think Tyler will wear them to his next job interview ;) ).
• Three-year-olds
• I’m convinced that life is better when three-year-olds are in it. I’m so grateful for our sunbeam class. Every week I hear a chorus of “I-love-yous,” and it melts my heart.
• Babies
• I love babies. A couple of weeks ago I got to spend two hours holding our upstairs neighbors’ baby. It’s so miraculous to hold a baby and see a little glimpse of heaven.
• FINISHED GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATIONS
• Tyler finished his application while I wrote this post. All I can say is HALLELUJAH!

Cloudy With a Chance of Frustrated

After writing my last post, I thought I'd be writing a week later with the amazing news that Tyler had gotten an incredible job that would put an end to all my financial insecurities. He didn't. I'm still trying to process it. I know his resume is impressive, and people really like him. He's eager to learn, and he has loads of initiative. In my view, he's the perfect candidate for any job. I know I'm biased, but I've also talked to the people who have worked with him. They know how capable he is too. 

It's baffling too because the last time he interviewed for jobs, he got three offers. I know the "it's for the best" mantra, but it doesn't make circumstances any less frustrating. I recognize that we've been blessed, but I also don't really appreciate getting what I perceive to be bad news. I don't like watching Tyler feel small and inadequate. I guess this is when I should have any epiphany about how Heavenly Father watches us struggle, and it's just as difficult for him. But I can't even think about that. Instead my heart just hurts for the opportunity that would have paid for Tyler's graduate school and provided us with insurance, another step to being more self-reliant. 

We really thought this new job was an answer to our prayers. We thought it would open doors and lend experience. Instead, a door has been shut, and we aren't sure what's next. Honestly, Tyler loves his current job. He's learning so much every day, and it's a blessing to work close to our house, especially while he finishes up at UVU. I'm just not sure it pays well enough to support us through grad school even when his income is paired with mine. 

My frustration with this dead end is only exacerbated by my new job. It's hard to watch Tyler struggle with knowing what to do next when I know what's next for me. I got the new job at UVU and a three dollar per hour raise with it. It's a blessing for us, and I'm grateful. But if I could choose, I would take rejection and give Tyler the job he applied for. I guess that's why I'm not in charge, and I'm here again, trying to figure out how to be happy in my current place in life when I'm frustrated. I know I will be happy. The light is already brighter today than it was yesterday, and for that, I am grateful.