What is Sleep?

This is how my mom left us when Will was 5 days old.

I've always been the kind of person who didn't need very much sleep. As a one year old, my mom quit giving me naps because if I took one, I wouldn't go to bed until 11. It's one of those characteristics that I've always had that I thought would be a blessing when the time came for me to have babies because I knew I wouldn't get very much sleep. And it has. I've been grateful that my body does okay without a lot of sleep. What I didn't fully grasp is the complete exhaustion that occurs when you have a baby.

This picture is one of the most genuine ones
I have of those early weeks with Will. Every
time I see it I cringe at the complete exhaustion
evidenced in my face, but this was my reality.

For the first few months of William's life, I didn't ever know what time it was. I slept when I could. While Ty was on paternity leave we kept crazy hours. Often we'd be awake in the middle of the night and sleep through the day. It mostly worked because we could take turns and just do what had to be done in order to get some rest. It got harder after Ty went back to work, and like every other new mom in the world, some nights were harder than others, but this is me. Before I got pregnant, 4 or 5 hours of sleep was enough to sustain me through the day. Pregnancy made it harder because I was so fatigued, but after Will was born I didn't feel like I needed as much sleep.

Then all of a sudden, every couple of weeks, I would just hit the wall and be so exhausted I would feel like I needed to sleep for three days straight just to function. What I learned most acutely was that functioning on few hours of sleep is different than waking up every hour for 10 hours. Never entering REM sleep is no joke. It was brutal, but just when I thought I would die from constant sleep deprivation, Will started sleeping pretty well. After that, he had a sleep regression, and today I've resigned myself to the reality that he is not a good sleeper.

I was always so relieved when I got Will to
sleep. I sent pictures like this to Ty at work a
lot because I knew he could appreciate them.

I don't know why Will doesn't nap or sleep well, but I do know that when people talk about newborns sleeping all the time, it doesn't apply to my baby. From the time he was born to the present, Will consistently has taken naps that only last 30-45 minutes at a time. It's our normal, but it's been hard to get used to. People always tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but when your baby only sleeps for short bursts of time, it's really hard to do that. In fact, trying to sleep while Will slept only made me resentful. I would put him down and by the time I had gone to the bathroom, taken a drink, and settled into bed to try to sleep, he would be awake again.

This summer has marked an interesting change in Will's sleep patterns. He'd be doing okay, and then we'd go to a family reunion and his whole schedule would deteriorate. We'd figure it out when we got home, and then we would have to leave again. One time he got an ear infection. Through the last weeks of summer, he was finally sleeping okay at night, but then I went back to school, and his sleep regressed again.

The sleep battle was never fought alone.

Being the only child right now means he gets a lot of cuddles when Ty and I are around. I think that with us both in school again, Will just misses all the connection. When he wakes up at night, he usually just needs a snuggle. Sometimes he wants to nurse, but a lot of the time I just rub his back or rock him and he settles down. Ty and I have even coslept with him a few times because he sleeps so much better with at least one of us next to him to reassure him when he wakes up.

I know it's normal for babies to wake up periodically through the night. I just didn't fully comprehend the scope of the amount of energy that goes into taking care of an infant night and day for weeks and months on end. I've spent hours googling how to help my baby sleep better, and basically what I've learned is that some babies just don't sleep very well, and this hopefully won't last forever. We've tried different sleep training methods. We have a solid bedtime routine. We use white noise and a humidifier. While each of these things has helped to varying degrees, Will just isn't a great sleeper, and neither was I. (I even apologized to my mom for that recently).

I love my sweet baby, and I've spent a lot of time holding him so he gets decent sleep. Ty even bought an amazing rocking chair that I've spent countless hours in as I've soothed and fed and read to and sung to our baby. It's pretty comfy for me to sleep in, so it works pretty well in moments of desperation. I just wish someone had honestly told me that on top of adjusting to being a new mom, there's always a possibility that your wonderful, sweet new baby won't sleep well and no amount of sleep training will help. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in this struggle. I know this stage of sleep deprivation won't last forever, so for now I'll just try to remember that and enjoy the extra snuggles.

Mimi holds him for naps a lot when she's around.
I think it's one of the reasons why Will loves her so much.

So Far, So Good

Best Buddies

When Will was born, I wasn't in a rush to get on a schedule. Being a stay at home mom and having only one child meant that I could go with the flow relatively well. Basically, for the last 7 months I've breastfed on demand and put Will down for a nap when he acts tired. It's been on about a 3 hour rotation for a while, but it isn't really very structured. I like having flexibility in our day, and I feel like Will thrives on it even though I know other babies might not. I'm not saying it's the only way to live with a baby, but it works for us.

Over the course of the summer I've felt anxious about his lack of a schedule, knowing that he'll be spending two afternoons a week with his grandmas. Miraculously, over the last few weeks, Will has developed a pretty clear schedule with no help from me. He eats on the hour at multiples of 3. He takes 3 naps a day that fit right in there. It's been a huge blessing and a relief. The only other major thing that concerned me when it came to leaving him was breastfeeding.

After our rough start with breastfeeding, I wasn't sure how long we'd stick with it, but now Will is still going strong, and neither of us are ready to wean. In conjunction with that reality is my love/hate relationship with my breast pump. Although I'm grateful for the convenience of being able to pump when I need to and the fact that it helped my supply issue, I really hate pumping, and the thought of pumping in the car on my commute to UVU makes me want to scream in frustration.

So I decided that I won't do it. Instead, Will's 3:00 afternoon feeding has been replaced with baby food instead of breast milk. We've been doing this for the last few weeks, and to my relief, Will has been doing really well. That makes me happy, and it's actually helped me feel better about leaving him. (Plus, it means no more mid-church meeting breastfeeding sessions. Can I get a ”hallelujah?!”)

I think subconsciously one of my worries is that Will will learn to prefer someone else to me, and selfishly, I want to be Will's favorite. I've really enjoyed having a mama’s boy around who just wants snuggles from me and only me sometimes. I'm just not ready to lose that yet, but today, after all the prayers I've offered and the tears I've cried, it's finally okay with me. If Will is ready to move away from me a little, I can let him. Happily, he still loves to snuggle with me. He's been a little more clingy since I went back to school, but overall, it's been good just like I knew it would. And hey, only 28 more classes until I'm finished!

Separation Anxiety

This is Will's favorite spot.

This summer has been busy and hectic, and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath right before I jump back into school for my final semester. I’ve loved being home with Will all summer. He is so much fun. I love watching him learn and grow. It’s also fun to know that I’m his favorite person. He is a complete Mama’s boy right now which makes sense since I’m with him 99% of his time. He loves to snuggle and talk to me, and he’s gotten to the point where he gets really frustrated if he can’t see me. I love that he’s so snuggly and loves me so much, but it’s been tough to have him be so clingy recently especially since I’m going to be leaving him for a few hours twice a week in order to go to class.

When Ty and I got married, I didn’t think that we’d have kids before I graduated. Then when we knew we were supposed to start having kids, I realized that my timeline was going to be different than I had originally projected (like every other aspect of my life). I’ve been really blessed to be able to finish all but three classes without leaving Will with a babysitter. Now though, I have to take my last 9 credits in person. I’ve been dreading going back to school since Will was born in January.

More than anything else, I have always wanted to be a mom, and now I am. It’s also been a goal for me to get my bachelor’s degree, and I am blessed to be in a situation where I can do both, but it still hurts my heart to know that I’ll be leaving my sweet little boy. I know it isn’t for very long, and I know I’m lucky because I can leave him with his grandmas. I know I’ll never regret finishing college, and I know that 31 afternoons away from my baby (yes, I counted) isn’t going to kill him or destroy our bond. I know that this is a better time to finish my degree than trying to go back to school in a few years when I have more children, but that doesn’t change the fact that I would rather not leave him at all.

Even though I know that it’s normal for Will to be getting clingy and having some separation anxiety at this stage in his life, I think my own separation anxiety might be worse than Will’s. I worry about leaving Will a lot. I know logically that it will be okay, but that doesn’t soothe me. So I’ve decided to let myself feel what I need to feel. Leaving Will is going to be hard for me, and that’s okay. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. I can do anything for four months, and I know I’ll be better for it when this is all over. Now pass me the tissues.

My Breastfeeding Battle

After nursing when Will was 2 days old

It's hard to write about something sensitive and deeply personal, and that's exactly what this post is because I feel like it's something I need to share even though it's painful. Breastfeeding. That word evokes such strong feelings for so many people, myself included. Before William was born, I was sure that I would breastfeed my baby for well past six months. I knew it was good for the baby and the mom, and it sounded convenient to not have to worry about making a bottle every time he needed to eat. I even took a breastfeeding class to be more prepared for the experience. Then Will was born.

I mentioned before that Will had a hard time latching on at first. He's jaw is set pretty far back and apparently, my nipples are flat (who knew?). So before we were discharged from the Birth Center, we used a nipple shield to help William eat. I was just relieved that he had finally latched, but Ty did not like the idea of using the shield even though he couldn't tell me why. So my breastfeeding relationship with William was established with the nipple shield. Right at first,I tried periodically to latch him without the shield. Sometimes it worked, but more often it resulted in tears and frustration for both of us. So I gave up on latching without the shield, telling myself that I would try when he was older but dreading that day.

Milk drunk...

I actually liked nursing. Even though the shield was a little bit annoying, nursing was pretty fulfilling. The only downside was that even at 2 months William wanted to nurse for several hours at a time, long after he had stopped swallowing. He also sucks really hard. One time he gave himself a blister on his lip, and right at first even with the barrier of the shield, I was getting blisters too. Feeding William was all consuming, but I knew he needed the nourishment and the bonding, so I bided my time.

Then I took Will to his 2 month check up, and he hadn't gained any weight in two weeks. As soon as I saw the scale, my heart dropped. I knew it was important for him to be gaining a lot of weight, but he nursed all the time and for a long time. I couldn't figure it out. My pediatrician suggested that I pump in between feedings to help increase my milk supply and to give that milk to Will so he was getting more food.

So started the period of my postpartum life filled with feeding and pumping and crying. I was so upset that Will wasn’t gaining weight, and it felt personal. I felt like my body had betrayed me by not making enough milk for my baby to thrive. Additionally, William started fussing at the breast and refusing to latch sometimes. Sometimes he would full on scream after a feeding. It was a rough time. Tyler ended up calling a lactation consultant to help me because I couldn't call her myself. Failure shuts me down, and in my mind I had failed William.

The lactation consultant I spoke to was amazing. She offered support and suggestions, and I never felt like a failure when I was working with her. She suggested that I wean Will off the nipple shield since it served as a barrier between my nerves that determined milk supply and William's mouth. I dreaded the process of weaning Will off the shield, but it made sense to try, so I started the process on Good Friday, knowing that Tyler had the day off. That morning I spent about an hour skin to skin with him like I had when he was first born. He latched without the shield, and we haven't used it since. It was a rough day, but we got through it, and William is nursing really well now.

The thing is, it was still rough. My nipples hadn't had a chance to adjust to nursing as Will got older and stronger, so all of a sudden they were exposed to a very strong baby who sucks really hard. My breasts hurt so bad. I was in pain every feeding for a solid week. When the blisters and cracks healed, breastfeeding finally became the positive, beautiful experience depicted in celebrity breastfeeding photos (although I don’t think it’s ever glamorous).

He had a weight check this week, and he's gaining well now. Hopefully that continues. When I started using the nipple shield, I didn't know that it would negatively impact my milk supply. The lactation consultant said that it happens, but it isn't super common. I'm glad to be rid of the shield, and I probably should have listened to Ty when he said he didn't have a good feeling about it.

After nursing yesterday

What's interesting about my breastfeeding experience is that in all my conversations with women about nursing, no one ever shared anything that resembled my experience. It seems like everyone I talked to either had great breastfeeding established from the beginning, decided not to breastfeed at all, or breastfed for a short time and then stopped for one reason or another. I'm not trying to judge any of those courses of action, but I feel like I ended up in a completely separate category: breastfeeding was fine- breastfeeding was a nightmare- breastfeeding is pleasant. I guess what I've learned from this is that like everything else related to pregnancy, birth, and parenting, breastfeeding is a relatively unique experience for everyone. I just wish I had had a little more warning and perspective.

7 Reasons My Baby Is Actually A Hobbit

I love my baby. He's cute and cuddly, and we spend all day and most of the night together. I've recently noticed though that he has a lot in common with hobbits from The Lord of the Rings. Here are a few examples.

1.He's miniature.

Sure, he's a baby, but it's a similarity nonetheless.

2. When he was born, he had hair all over his body, including his feet.

Hobbits have notoriously hairy feet. William just had the typical peach fuzz, but it still reminded me of a hobbit.

3. Eating is the best part of the day.

A hobbit’s truest love is food.

4. He eats like 9 meals a day.

Remember when Pippin talked about second breakfast, elevensies, afternoon tea, lunch, dinner, supper etc? That is Will's reality.

5. He's a good friend.

When Frodo left the Shire on a dangerous quest, his friends willingly followed. William is a great listener and loves to smile in agreement with me.

6. He's underestimated.

Hobbits are always doing amazing things to shock everyone. William does too. From peeing all over things that are well outside his reach to holding the record for shortest nap ever, William loves to surprise us.

7. He provides a significant amount of comic relief.

The hobbits are always making everyone laugh with their shenanigans. William is the same way. Who knew newborns were so stinking funny?!

DISCLAIMER: I'm incredibly sleep deprived right now.

Postpartum Thoughts I Didn't Anticipate

I knew before Will was born that I would have overwhelming emotions during the postpartum period. I knew I would fall in love with our baby and be tired and sore, but I've found myself having some thoughts I did not anticipate. Here are a few.

I miss feeling William moving around and kicking me.

How can I feel so energized after giving birth and also so exhausted?

I'm still starving every two hours.

Going to the bathroom is the absolute worst.

Am I ruining my life and Will’s if I let him sleep on my chest at night?

These diapers don't actually smell bad.

Sneezing and coughing might be as bad as the bathroom.

Thank heaven Ty is happy to get up with Will so I can sleep a little more.

Those are some really stinky toots coming from such a small body that only consumes breast milk.

All I've done today is breastfeed.

Sitz baths are directly from heaven. Also witch hazel.

This tiny human is dictating everything now. I don't even mind.

How many pictures is too many?

Thank goodness Ty has four weeks of paternity leave.

How am I ever going to do this alone?

I can't believe this baby used to be inside my body.

Is it physiologically possible for my breasts to explode?

There's so much room in my bed.

Between breastfeeding and my jelly belly, my body takes on a new shape every few hours.

All my baby carrying muscles are so sore… I didn't even know some of them existed.

Is there anything better than baby smell?

I can sleep and nurse at the same time. Multitasking for the win!

I'm simultaneously more hydrated and more thirsty than I've ever been.

Oh yeah, baby boys can shoot pee at you while you're changing their diaper. I had forgotten that.

Breast milk stains.

I'm a horrible mother; I gave my child a pacifier when he was only a few days old.

Follow up: he's a nursing champ. Take that nipple confusion people.

I'm never going to get anything done again.

When I was pregnant I couldn't sit in the same position for very long because of discomfort, that's still the case but for very different reasons.

My husband is amazing. There's no way I could make this transition without him.

It's fun to have young siblings when you have a baby.

Why am I crying?

I'm taking more pills now than I've ever taken before.

William's Birth

William Clark Johns
7 lbs 10 oz 20 inches

On Thursday night (January 21) I got home from a church activity feeling pretty tired. Ty and I went to bed at about 10:30, and at 11:45 I woke up thinking I probably needed to pee. It only took me a few seconds to realize that I actually was having my first “real” contraction. (I'd had Braxton Hicks, but nothing very significant or intense).

Anyway, I went back to sleep because I didn't want to pay attention too soon or get myself excited if I was going to be in labor for a long time. Then I woke up again 10 minutes later. This went on for about an hour. At that point I woke up thinking I had peed a little. (Unfortunately that was a serious possibility. I had been losing bladder control little by little a day at a time). I got to the bathroom though and experienced a gush of fluid that I knew was amniotic fluid. I decided to shower and go back to sleep since it was 1 am and our strategy was to ignore labor as long as we could.

I decided not to wake Ty up since I wanted us both to be well rested for what was ahead, but when I got out of the shower, he was awake. He tried to go back to sleep but ended up rubbing my back and supporting me through the contractions which were about 6 minutes apart. I did text my midwife just to check in, and I texted my mom since she was going to attend the birth as well. Ty and I stayed in bed as long as we could, but by 6:30 I was feeling a little restless. We moved into the living room, and I kept laboring.

My mom got to our apartment at 7:30, and her presence was greatly appreciated. Ty was able to sleep for a few hours while my mom and I went on a walk and she helped me relax and breathe through contractions. Things seemed to be picking up, and I talked to my midwife. She recommended that I labor at home as long as possible which was our plan anyway, but since my water had broken, she decided that we needed to check in at The Birth Center at 1pm, 12 hours after my water broke.

When we got to The Birth Center, I was dilated to a 3. Katelin, the attending midwife, swept my membranes (some of them were still intact), and I was then at a 4. Because of the risk of infection when water has broken, we needed to get labor moving a little more. While Katelin was getting some herbs and homeopathics ready for that, I threw up my lunch. I was frustrated because I knew I needed the energy from the food to sustain me through labor. Also, I was shaking like crazy because of the hormones, and that was frustrating to me as well.

Anyway, Katelin brought me some castor oil in a smoothie which I drank and then threw up a few minutes later. Luckily I didn't throw up the homeopathics, and I kept laboring. I spent a little while in the shower, letting the water pound on my back which brought some relief, but I could feel myself fading a little bit at a time. It was around 3:30, and I was exhausted. This was a hard time for me. I had tried so hard to be prepared for the rigors of labor, and I had to face the fact that I was not really prepared. Even with the healthy perspective I had tried to maintain, I was wholly unprepared. At this point, I knew I had to surrender to the process. My prayers shifted as I asked God to guide my body and keep the baby healthy and safe.

After the stress in the shower, I tried to rest in the bed, and I got a little cat nap, but lying down was so uncomfortable that I felt like I had to get up. I ended up sitting backwards on the toilet for a while with my mom behind me rubbing my back and shoulders and Ty next to me holding my hand and talking me through the contractions. After a little while, I had lines on my legs from sitting on the toilet, and I felt really strongly that I wanted to be in the tub. I got into the tub just before 5, and the relief was amazing. The contractions were getting more intense, but the water made me feel lighter and rejuvenated.

Ty put his swimsuit on and sat on the edge of the tub behind me supporting my back and shoulders while my mom knelt outside of the tub and provided counter pressure on my knees. It worked for a little while, but when I started to feel the urge to push, I knew I needed to shift. I ended up on my knees with Ty holding my hands and talking me through everything while my mom, Katlin, and the birth assistant, Adrianna, were more at my hips and side. I pushed for a while, and even though everyone was offering encouragement and support, I hardly heard it. I was locked into my body, and aside from that I was really only aware of Ty as he held onto me and talked to me softly.

At one point, Katelin asked me if I wanted to feel the baby's head. Reaching down and feeling his wet, fuzzy head was miraculous. I felt emotional and relieved that I was making progress. After that, I focused in even more, knowing my baby was almost ready to come out and meet Ty and me. I pushed somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. I kept trying to picture our baby boy. As he was being born, Ty mentioned that he might move, so he could see the baby better when he was born, but I clung to him and asked him to stay right with me. I'm so glad he did. There is no way I could have given birth without him.

We had arranged beforehand for my mom to catch the baby, so she was waiting, and because of my positioning, the first thing she saw was his little face. When she saw him, she said, “He looks just like Ty!” I took a deep breath and he was all the way born a few moments later.

As he was placed on my chest, I couldn't help crying tears of joy and amazement and relief and every other emotion that comes with the miracle of a baby's birth. Will was so quiet. He was breathing just fine, but he didn't cry. He whimpered a little and opened his eyes right away. He was so alert and everyone commented on his amazing coloring. I was just overwhelmed and overjoyed. Ty and I just kept admiring him. I was so wrapped up in William that I didn't realize I had hemorrhaged about 1100 cubic centimeters. We moved from the tub to the bed to wait for the placenta.

The bed in the birth suite was nice and big, so Ty was able to be next to me in bed the 

whole time the birth staff was managing my hemorrhage and the placenta was being born. I was so happy to keep my baby with me instead if having him be whisked away from me. I got an IV to replenish my fluids, and Ty and I enjoyed little William (whose name was not yet decided).

We ate a snack and talked about names for a little while. I had been given some drugs for the hemorrhage, and my body did not love them. I threw up again, but luckily I was able to eat right after that. My mom was able to get us some dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant, and that settled my stomach a lot. Meanwhile, we decided that our baby would be named William Clark after Ty's Grandpa Bill, my Grandad (George William), and my dad, Clark. We think his name fits him perfectly. We had a hard time nursing at first, but we're figuring it out day by day, and he's a champ now! He only lost 3% of his body weight in two days and is gaining well now.

Even though I had lost a lot of blood, I felt really good. I was confident walking by myself and even showered without assistance. We got home around 12:30 and tried to catch up on some of the missed sleep from the long day of laboring. Giving birth is one of the most powerful and empowering experiences I've ever had. After giving birth, I know I can do anything. I'm still in awe of this tiny human in my arms. He's so beautiful and perfect, and we can't wait to keep discovering his personality  Ty and I feel so blessed and grateful that things went so well and that our eternal family is expanding.

Our birth team (minus my mom)

Taking William home

"The Perfect Birth"

I've commented before on how being pregnant is both deeply personal and widely communal, and one of the things that had entailed for me is hearing various views on what birth should be like. Growing up, I had quite a bit of exposure to conversations about childbirth, babies, breastfeeding, epidurals, pregnancy, and everything else related to motherhood. If my mom wasn't pregnant or nursing, chances were good that at least one of my aunts was, and I learned a lot by listening to their conversations. One of the things I learned was that “the perfect birth” was different for each mother's experience as well as for each baby that was born.

So upon becoming pregnant, I had to figure out what “the perfect birth” was going to look like for me. I put that phrase in quotation marks because I also learned that more often than not, things don't really go according to plan. Nevertheless, I wanted to do some research and figure out what was going to work best for us with the birth of this baby. My mom has been an amazing resource with her knowledge as both a mother and a doula, and I've been so grateful for her wisdom. But I also knew that there were a lot of things Tyler and I needed to decide for our family independent of all the wisdom of the people around us.

The first step for me was evaluating how I really feel about childbirth and my body. Thanks in part to my parents’ examples, I realized that I wanted to give birth without medication because I truly believe that birth is a natural process my body was designed to be a part of. Once I knew that that was truly how I felt, I started looking into all the different methods of natural childbirth and the different ways it is accomplished. After more research and pondering, I decided that what I really wanted was to have a water birth. I was drawn to the way a baby is able to move from the familiar amniotic fluid to the water before taking his first breath. Overall, a water birth just felt right, so all I needed to do after that was find a place and caregiver to deliver my baby in a tub.

Ultimately, that led us to The Birth Center. I did a lot of research to decide what kind of environment I wanted to give birth in, and after a tour and meeting the midwives at The Birth Center, I knew it was the right place for us for this birth. I've been so grateful for the education I've received as a client, and I trust the caregivers explicitly which was one of the most important things for me in choosing a provider and venue for our baby's debut. The midwives and birth center have truly blessed my life through my pregnancy, and I'm grateful to have been led to them through my research and prayer.

Now, I'm here: sitting on my couch, reflecting on my process of deciding what I want this birth to look like, playing the waiting game. I still feel grateful for the examples in my life and for the opportunity to make choices about the birth of our baby instead of having them made for me. I know I've been infinitely blessed to have a low risk pregnancy and a healthy baby. Those blessings are things I do not take for granted. I express gratitude daily for those gifts.

As with everything else, Tyler's support has been unending and essential. He has constantly helped me with everything I need. I know I'm lucky to have such an incredible life partner, and I'm looking forward to watching him be a dad. We took a Bradley Method class to help us prepare for labor, and when I registered, I was worried that Ty would suffer through it, but he ended up learning a lot and being a fabulous support and coach (so far anyway). His support has been a strength to me. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, he offers his love and perspective, and it never fails to make me feel better.

I know everyone has a different perspective on birth, and I think that's wonderful. I know that unmedicated childbirth in a tub sounds like a nightmare to some women, and that’s okay. Things probably won't go exactly how I plan anyway. I'm just so glad to be living in a time and place where I get to make proactive choices about my baby's and my birth experience and that I have Tyler by my side.

The Calm Before the Storm

Today feels like the calm before the storm. We've rarely had such a low key day. This morning around 11:30 we went and got our car key copied, I went to the store for groceries, and we got our washing machine fixed. This afternoon, I've been reading while Tyler intermittently does homework and naps. It seems crazy that with all the changes (and probable chaos) in our near future, we've spent the day mostly in our living room relaxing.

I'm not begrudging the much needed break from craziness, especially since we have been super busy leading up to Tyler's sister's wedding. It just seems surreal to be sitting in our quiet apartment, knowing that any day now our little boy could join us. Every time he kicks or moves I feel a little awed. Every life is so miraculous.

I don't think there's any way to really be prepared for all the emotions of the home stretch of pregnancy. The anticipation is almost crippling. I honestly don't know how much longer I can wait to hold and love on this baby. I feel ready for the intensity of labor in part because I know it's necessary in order for me to meet this little one I already adore, and I know that labor and delivery means not being pregnant anymore. As wonderful as pregnancy truly has been, I'm amazed by the brilliance of the timing of the whole gestational process. As of today, 40 weeks seems like the perfect amount of time to be pregnant before labor and delivery.

Our life is on the precipice of a giant shift. I know our life will never be the same, but I also know that I can't really even fathom how different things will be. I'm not convinced that you can ever be 100% prepared for the way having a baby will change your life. I don't think I ever will be. But I do feel like I have done my part to get ready for this baby to join our family, and I'm so excited for the changes coming our way. The contradiction of the situation hardly seems to matter. I wouldn't wish for things to be any different.

The Longest Weeks

I’ve always heard that the last few weeks of pregnancy are the longest, and that seems to be true. Although I’m trying to maintain a healthy perspective, the days of anticipation are dragging by one at a time. I have been grateful to not be in school though. It’s been so nice to be able to take it easy and not worry about class and homework. I’ve also been able to get more much-needed sleep. The sleep deprivation of the third trimester is no joke. We’ve also had a shift though because while I’m at home without a job or class to go to, Tyler has gone back to school and now he has to navigate his full time job and a master’s degree.

For the most part, I have really enjoyed being pregnant. It’s been miraculous to feel life grow within my body, and I have been fortunate to not have complications or even be too sick. Even considering all of that and my attempt at a good perspective, this last week has been the longest of my life. I’m so ready to be able to snuggle and love on this baby I already feel so close to and bonded with. I’m also looking forward to sleeping on my stomach again regardless of the length of the increments.

I’m just tired of waiting. I know there’s a natural time frame for the gestational process, but I’m ready for it to be over. Logically, I understand that my baby is safe in my womb. He’s comfortable and growing better there than he would in my arms. I also know that most women go past their due dates when they have their first baby, so logically I know that my baby could reasonably and safely come as late as February 6 even though my due date is January 23. Today I’m 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant. So even though the baby could come as late as the beginning of February, I know that he could also come anytime now.

Again I find myself learning patience. I know I’m going to be getting a lot of that through my experiences as a mom, and I now just have an early start on that. I get to keep playing the waiting game while I wait for this baby to make his grand entrance into the world. In the meantime, I’ll read books for fun, get more and more excited for the baby’s birth, and try not to drive myself crazy while I wait.

Reflections on 2015

When Ty and I were celebrating our second wedding anniversary, we were reflecting on our last year together. It’s been a wild year. The obvious highlight was getting pregnant and preparing for our family to grow. It’s been so wonderful and humbling, and the upcoming arrival of our baby has definitely been a focus, but we’ve also been busy with other hard things and some fun adventures.

Ty and I both earned degrees; Ty finished his bachelor’s, and I got my associate’s. Both of us being in school was challenging, but it was rewarding too. We saw each other less than we would have liked, but we consistently learned that we could do more than we thought we could. Following graduation, Ty got a “big kid” job working for Goldman Sachs. His job has been such a blessing since he started working there in June. He has already learned so much and is enjoying the opportunities facing him.

Our year was full of travels which is something I’ve always enjoyed. In May we went out to Maryland to visit Ty’s brother and his family. We had so much fun in Washington DC, Amish country in Pennsylvania, Baltimore, and other fun places on the East Coast. It was so fun to spend time with family while on vacation.

A few weeks later we made it to Oceanside, California with my parents and siblings. Ty learned to surf, but I laid low since I had just discovered that I was pregnant. Instead of surfing, I lounged on the beach and read books for fun which made for a change from my pattern during school. I love the beach and had so much fun being on vacation with my siblings again.

At the end of July, Ty left for training in New York, and I followed a few days later. The fun that we had in New York is something I will always treasure. Even though we didn’t stay together, we were able to do some incredible things. There’s something so special about being a couple, a unit, and trying new things together. We spent time in an exciting city before our family of two becomes a family of three, and I am grateful for that.

Leaving Ty in New York was more emotional than I even thought it would be. We spent a month apart, and it was the most difficult part of the year. Ty has been amazing through my pregnancy. From rubbing my feet to making me food to encouraging me to nap when I need it, he has been a rock, and I would not have had such a smooth pregnancy without him. Being apart was difficult. Luckily, Hailey had moved to Orem. She was so good about checking in with me and helping me. Even though it was exhausting and challenging to live alone, I learned that I am more capable than I thought and my Savior will always help me if I only ask.

That seemed to be the lesson of the year. I decided to take eighteen credits for the fall semester, fifteen of which came from English classes. I learned so much, but it was pretty overwhelming. There were days when I didn’t accomplish anything because I had no idea how or where to start. In those times I felt so much support and love from my Savior, and I ended up doing well in school and enjoying the semester more than I even thought I would.

My reflections on this year have left me feeling grateful and humbled. I’m so grateful for the experiences we’ve had, and I’m so excited for all that 2016 has in store.

A review in photos: