Comfort from Conference

When Sister Wixom started her talk during the Women's Session of General Conference by talking about the miracle of birth, I was reminded again that there always seems to be something just for me in the messages from the leaders of the church. Obviously childbirth is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately, and Sister Wixom's words about our divine nature from birth really struck me. How marvelous to be able to know that I have a Father in Heaven who knows me personally and knows my unborn child in the same powerful and individual way. I'm just barely embarking on the journey of parenthood, but I'm constantly amazed by the new impressions I'm blessed with every day.

I still remember each of my siblings (with the exception of Hailey) being brought home from the hospital. It was always such a special time in our house when there was a new baby. Not only did it give my dolls a break, but there is a special piece of heaven each baby brings with them. It’s something that points back to the divinity of God. Thinking about the divinity within each person has had me thinking a lot about the divinity of my unborn child and the responsibility I have as a parent to teach my child (and subsequent children) about the light within each of us that comes from being a child of a Heavenly Father.

Such a heavy task completely overwhelms me sometimes. I look at the amazing parents all around me in the forms of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends, and I am amazed by all they have accomplished in their roles as parents. Some days I am overwhelmed by the task of being a parent. Other days I feel empowered. After listening to the Women’s Session of General Conference, I felt empowered. That’s one of the reasons that I am looking forward to this weekend. I’m hoping to gain more wisdom and understanding about my role as a mother.

April Conference calmed many of my anxieties about parenthood as it occurred right when Tyler and I had decided to follow the prompting to start our family. It seemed like so many of the talks revolved around the importance of marriage and having a family. Even though the prospect of being responsible for this special spirit is daunting, I found myself comforted by the words of apostles as I so often am. In the past few months, when I find myself overwhelmed and anxious, I have found peace in many conference talks from April. Here are a few quotes that have brought me comfort in the process of preparing to be a mother.

“God ordained that men and women should marry and give birth to children, thereby creating, in partnership with God, the physical bodies that are key to the test of mortality and essential to eternal glory with Him. He also ordained that parents should establish families and rear their children in light and truth, leading them to a hope in Christ.” -D. Todd Christofferson

“The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth has never been rescinded. It is essential to the plan of redemption and is the source of human happiness. Through the righteous exercise of this power, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fulness of joy, even godhood. The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness.” -Boyd K Packer

“We also believe that strong traditional families are not only the basic units of a stable society, a stable economy, and a stable culture of values—but that they are also the basic units of eternity and of the kingdom and government of God.” -L. Tom Perry

“A legal and lawful marriage sealed in the temple and in which the sealing covenants are honored gives parents and their children the opportunity for the best experience of love and preparation for a fruitful life. It offers them the ideal environment in which they can live their covenants made with God.” -Joseph W. Sitati

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2015/04?lang=eng

Unprepared

Overall, I thought I was fairly prepared for the process of pregnancy. Mostly I felt this way because I’ve been surrounded by pregnancy my whole life. I watched my mom carry five little siblings, and in between and during those pregnancies my aunts and friends’ moms were experiencing similar things. I grew up overhearing stories about crazy cravings and having to pee all the time and strange dreams and sore backs. But I’ve found that nothing can really prepare you for the realities of childbearing, and I’m just beginning the process.

I never realized how hard it was to keep a secret until I found out I was pregnant. Up until then, the secrets I’d had were easy to keep. I was unprepared for how many emotions and feelings I would experience when I found out we were really having a baby. I was so excited. I was overwhelmed. I was overjoyed. I was sick. Having a secret with Tyler was fun at first, but then I started having questions that I didn’t want to ask Google, and I wanted to share our excitement with the other people we love. That’s why we told people so soon. I couldn’t wait anymore.

It’s interesting how having a baby is simultaneously an intensely personal and communal experience. I was surprised by all the feedback I started getting when we announced that we were going to be parents. People have shared ways to cope with morning sickness, which books to read, some must have purchases, and other things that have helped with the pregnancy process as a whole. It’s been such a big blessing to have friends and family members who have done this before share their wisdom with me. I’m grateful for women who have had powerful and sacred experiences while pregnant and in childbirth that they have shared with me. The support that I’ve experienced has been touching and overwhelming. All this feedback has strengthened a conclusion I came to quite a while ago, and that is, birth (and pregnancy and parenthood) is a powerful experience.

I’m so grateful for parents who taught me that birth is amazing and that my body was made to be able to participate in this amazing process of growing a human in my womb. The knowledge that I have about my own body has been so empowering throughout my pregnancy so far. I also love that I have midwives who really listen when I have questions and concerns and who validate my feelings instead of brushing them off. These women have been such a blessing in my life already. Their knowledge and compassion strengthens me. I wasn’t prepared for that.

I also didn’t realize that I would immediately bond to the baby inside me. I didn't know that I would think about him constantly. I couldn't comprehend the way it feels to feel a fetus squirming, kicking, and somersaulting around. Now I treasure those feelings. I love sitting with Tyler with his hand on my belly as we wait for our baby to make his presence known to us. It's magical and sacred to know that we've created a life together.

Perhaps the most significant thing I was not prepared for was the way my love for Tyler has grown exponentially through this experience. Whenever Ty talks to the baby or rubs my belly or talks about our future as a family, I find myself tearing up. I already knew I had married a compassionate man, but he has gone above and beyond in taking care of me since I've been pregnant. I know that having a baby will change our life even more when he's born, but he's already making an impact on our life, and he's captured our hearts.

Deja Vu

My sister Hailey just started college a month ago. While Tyler was in New York and I was here, I got to spend a lot of time with her. It's been so fun to be in the same city again and to be able to get together without it being an ordeal. It's also offered an interesting opportunity for reflection. I met Ty the day before I started classes. Even though Hailey doesn't think she's met her soulmate yet, I've been reflecting a lot on my own experience.

I've written before about how the timing of my marriage to Tyler wasn't what I had planned and how blessed I've been on God's timeline instead of my own. It's a lesson I think I'm going to keep learning over and over again. In my mind, I always thought that around my second wedding anniversary we would be ready to talk about having kids. If that were the case, I wouldn't be pregnant yet.

In March I felt very strongly that we needed to consider our family planning timeline. It was a crazy time for us. Ty was about to graduate, and he was trying to get a full time job lined up, but he hadn't heard anything yet. I was just trying to survive the semester, but the prompting persisted. One night in the temple, Tyler and I knew that having a baby needed to be on our radar sooner than we had planned.

I was again struck by the fact that this wasn't what I had thought it would be. I wanted to graduate first. I wanted Tyler to have his own insurance for our family. I wanted to be a little more established. Instead, I elected to place my trust in God. Tyler was offered his position at Goldman Sachs before I found out I was pregnant, and that blessing alleviated many of my concerns.

Finding out I was pregnant was a joyous moment. I've never wanted to be anything more than I've wanted to be a mother, and now that blessing is being extended to me. Like most wonderful opportunities, it's changed my plans. I won't be graduating in April 2016, but I honestly feel peaceful about that. I'm still going to finish my degree; it will just be on an extended deadline. I know that my education is important, but I also know that right now is the time for me to become a mother, and that's a gift.

11 Items of Gratefulness

After my frustration and general negativity in my last post, I decided to post about some things I’m really grateful for right now. The pressures and frustrations are still pressing on my mind, but I'm not letting the negativity win today. There are some things I’m pretty much always thankful for: Tyler, our apartment, a bus pass, the gospel of Jesus Christ, family etc., but here’s a list of some random extra things.

• Buttercup, the Motorcycle
• I love that Tyler has a motorcycle. We have so much fun riding together, and it makes him so happy. It’s truly been a blessing in our life.
• The amazing ladies I work with
• Seriously, my coworkers are incredible women. Working at UVU in the Transfer Credit department has been a life saver. There is something so wonderful about having a community of women to help me and for me to rely on.

• My new job
• I used to hate how repetitive my job was. I loved the hours and location, but doing data entry for four hours every day is mind-numbing to say the least. My new job is a lot more varied and engaging.

Meet "Molcajete." A rock filled with chicken, steak, and shrimp
in a sauce made of deliciousness and served with rice,  beans,
tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, avocados, and topped with a giant pepper.

• Delicious food
• Tyler and I found an amazing restaurant in Orem called Maria Bonita last August, and it has become our favorite. When we go out to eat (which isn’t very often), we go there. We can eat for $20 or less, and the atmosphere is fun too.
• Amazon
• This may be silly, but I was able to order an Easter gift for Tyler on Monday, and I got it today with Prime shipping which I have for free as a student. It’s so nice to be able to shop online.

• Sunshine
• I love that the sun has been shining more lately. It boosts my mood in such a big way.
• Uncle Scotty’s Truck
• Tyler and I finally bought a bed on Friday. (We’ve been sleeping on a mattress for eight months). I had looked around before, and we knew what we wanted, but we didn’t feel like a bed was at the top of our list of needs since it’s expensive. Anyway, we found one at the DownEast outlet in Orem for an amazing deal, and my uncle Scotty took time out of his day to come and help us move it into our house. It was so kind of him, and we are so grateful.

• Awesome sequined shoes
• I happened to be at my parents’ house when my grandma brought boxes and boxes of my Grandma Great’s shoes over. I happened upon a pair of multi-colored sequined shoes. They made me miss Great so much, but since then, I’ve been able to wear them when I miss her or need some extra glitz in my life, and I’m convinced that they’re magic. (I think Tyler will wear them to his next job interview ;) ).
• Three-year-olds
• I’m convinced that life is better when three-year-olds are in it. I’m so grateful for our sunbeam class. Every week I hear a chorus of “I-love-yous,” and it melts my heart.
• Babies
• I love babies. A couple of weeks ago I got to spend two hours holding our upstairs neighbors’ baby. It’s so miraculous to hold a baby and see a little glimpse of heaven.
• FINISHED GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATIONS
• Tyler finished his application while I wrote this post. All I can say is HALLELUJAH!

Cloudy With a Chance of Frustrated

After writing my last post, I thought I'd be writing a week later with the amazing news that Tyler had gotten an incredible job that would put an end to all my financial insecurities. He didn't. I'm still trying to process it. I know his resume is impressive, and people really like him. He's eager to learn, and he has loads of initiative. In my view, he's the perfect candidate for any job. I know I'm biased, but I've also talked to the people who have worked with him. They know how capable he is too. 

It's baffling too because the last time he interviewed for jobs, he got three offers. I know the "it's for the best" mantra, but it doesn't make circumstances any less frustrating. I recognize that we've been blessed, but I also don't really appreciate getting what I perceive to be bad news. I don't like watching Tyler feel small and inadequate. I guess this is when I should have any epiphany about how Heavenly Father watches us struggle, and it's just as difficult for him. But I can't even think about that. Instead my heart just hurts for the opportunity that would have paid for Tyler's graduate school and provided us with insurance, another step to being more self-reliant. 

We really thought this new job was an answer to our prayers. We thought it would open doors and lend experience. Instead, a door has been shut, and we aren't sure what's next. Honestly, Tyler loves his current job. He's learning so much every day, and it's a blessing to work close to our house, especially while he finishes up at UVU. I'm just not sure it pays well enough to support us through grad school even when his income is paired with mine. 

My frustration with this dead end is only exacerbated by my new job. It's hard to watch Tyler struggle with knowing what to do next when I know what's next for me. I got the new job at UVU and a three dollar per hour raise with it. It's a blessing for us, and I'm grateful. But if I could choose, I would take rejection and give Tyler the job he applied for. I guess that's why I'm not in charge, and I'm here again, trying to figure out how to be happy in my current place in life when I'm frustrated. I know I will be happy. The light is already brighter today than it was yesterday, and for that, I am grateful. 

Where We Are

I feel like Tyler and I are in kind of an interesting place right now. He’s finishing up his last semester of college for his undergraduate degree, and I’m halfway through mine. He’s gearing up for graduate school (let’s face it, I am too), and we’re both working part time which is great. It just feels like we’re sort of in between. It’s like sometimes we aren’t really “big kids” yet, and other times I feel like we’re ancient. (I usually feel that way when I’m falling asleep at 7:00). We’re also anticipating a transition.

One of the top goals in our marriage has been to be debt free for as long as possible, more specifically, until we buy a house. We have been showered with blessings, and so far, we have been able to get through school and pay for our expenses without going into debt. With graduate school on the horizon though, it’s getting tougher, and school is not getting cheaper. With that in mind, Tyler has been job shopping with hopes of finding a full time job that can help us to be able to keep meeting our goals. He has some amazing opportunities looking up, and I’ll blog about those when we know what’s going on.

I’ve also been looking to move up. I still work at UVU, and I really love where I work, but the pay isn’t fabulous, and the tasks are pretty boring. I applied for another job in the same office that offers higher pay as well as three credit hour tuition waivers per semester and a more varied load of work. I have an interview on Tuesday, so that will be interesting.

On the threshold of change, I’m having a hard time identifying how I feel about it. It’s so wonderful to be moving forward and progressing, but it’s also daunting. I’ve never been very good at waiting, but now it seems like that’s what we’ll be doing. We’re waiting to hear about new job possibilities and Tyler’s immediate educational future. We’re waiting for summer to come. We’re waiting for this next phase of life. I keep learning that I need to be more patient which is always fun. But I’ve also been able to enjoy this journey more than any of the past “waiting periods” of my life, and that’s because I have the greatest partner. He works so hard, and I’m blessed to be part of his life and have him in mine.

Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam

It seems like my life is this swirling combination of work, school, Tyler, and primary. At any given moment, one of these four things will be demanding my attention with little deviation. Presently, I’m sitting in class, but I’m thinking about primary and how to help our class. At the end of December, the primary president asked Tyler and I to move from teaching the four and five year olds to teaching the sunbeams. We accepted and looked forward to teaching a new class. After nine months of teaching the CTR 4 class, I felt pretty prepared.

I wasn’t. I’ve written before about how overwhelmed I was after we started teaching primary, but this was different. We initially had eleven children on our roll. Our stake had just realigned the ward boundaries, so the primary was undergoing some serious changes, and we were some of the only teachers that stayed in our ward. After doing some recon and meeting the kids in our class, we ended up with nine. Anyone who has ever spent time with nine three-year-olds knows how crazy they can be.

Something I’ve learned is that every class has its own dynamic. Ours is very unique. We have two that are difficult. They push our buttons and are aggressive with us and the other kids. We have two more that don’t ever sit. They run in circles and do somersaults regardless of what we do. One of the kids in our class is deaf. We have two other kids that talk nonstop. They’re anxious to share their thoughts and tell stories at every opportunity. The last two are relatively quiet and sometimes get overshadowed by their louder and more rambunctious counterparts. That’s the general energy in our class, but that doesn’t account for the days when they (or we) are especially attentive or rowdy. Regardless, we get home every week exhausted.

Our primary president armed us with knowledge going into the new year, and that was unbelievably helpful. We have amazing leaders in our primary. I don’t feel judged, but I feel supported. It’s been such a blessing. When our primary president told us about our class, she mentioned that they might need to split the class or call a third teacher. After the first week, I felt great. After the second week, I felt like the class needed to be split. Now, after eight weeks, I still sometimes feel impatient or frustrated, but I have also become really attached to our little sunbeams. I understand if our leaders need to split the class, but part of me hopes they don’t. I hope they don’t split the class because it would break my heart to lose any one of them.

Anyway, here’s a list of some things I’ve learned from being a sunbeam teacher so far.

• It’s always appropriate to sing a fun song.
• Whether we sing “Rain is Falling,” “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam,” “Once There Was a Snowman,” or “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” etc, it always causes some giggles and makes class more fun.
• Taking turns is hard.
• I’ve never seen more children who want to say the prayer at the beginning or end of class. Sometimes, we end up saying several in order to keep the peace, and that’s okay.
• Sometimes, you just really need a snack.
• I used to be anti-snacks in primary, but with our class, it’s nearly impossible to go without a snack. The three-year-olds in our class have already been sitting still for two hours before we are in class together. Often they’re tired and hungry, and a handful of pretzels makes everyone feel better. Plus, it keeps their mouths full, so they’re relatively quiet.
• Everyone has something to share.
• When I ask a question as part of the lesson, I have to be prepared to listen to each child. They all want a chance to share what they know, and a lot of times, it has nothing to do with the lesson, but everyone deserves to be listened to.
• A hug can fix any kind of hurt.
• Whether you’ve fallen off of your chair or someone hurt your feelings, a hug can make it better. Sometimes at the end of church, my lap is really tired, but I love that the sweet children in our class insist that I can make them feel better with a simple hug or kiss.
• Reading books is pure magic.
• I have a book about reverence called “Monday I Was a Monkey.” When I read it in class, the kids were enraptured. I’ve never seen them so still or excited about something.
• Beanbags are magical too.
• I will never again be caught at church without a beanbag on my person. In both of our primary classes, they’ve loved having the chance to catch the beanbag in order to answer a question or share a story. It helps everyone pay attention and makes listening more fun.
• The kids who act out are often the ones who need some extra love.
• There are several children in our class that are a little bit difficult to interact with, but what I’ve learned is that those children need some extra love and attention. Sometimes they need more turns than the other kids, or they need responsibility or a special assignment.
• There’s no such thing as a cookie cutter kid.
• Every child is different. There’s no recipe for how to teach every child or what is going to be each child’s favorite activity. I don’t like to be part of blanket-statements, so I shouldn’t consign three-year-olds to them.
• Consistency is a must.
• People need consistency, and children do too. I’ve noticed that the children in our class look forward to having the same teachers every week. If Tyler doesn’t come into the primary room with me for one reason or another, I answer to nine children as to if Brother Johns is here today and why he isn’t there yet. It’s so important to be able to build relationships with children you teach.
• Life isn’t consistent.
• Even though consistency is super important, it’s also hard to nail down. Just because one week class goes well, does not guarantee that next week will be successful. This inconsistency exists in each person too. Sometimes, one activity will be awesome one time and horrible the next. One child may be docile one minute and hyper the next. That’s what life is like. We can’t expect things to always go smoothly.
• Jesus wants us all the be sunbeams.
• We can all shine as brightly as the sweet three-year-olds that I get to spend time with each week. If it’s hard to remember that we all have light to share, take a leaf out of your local three-year-old’s book. Even when they are being naughty or challenging your patience, they can reflect love and light, and we should do our best to do that too.

We're missing a few in this picture,
but here we are in our sunbeam glory.

Writing and Introversion

I’ve been thinking today about why I write. I’m an English major. My study usually includes reading and writing, so why is it that I want to write for fun? My conclusion: it’s my outlet, and it’s a way to communicate and interact with the world. It doesn’t matter if no one ever reads this blog, and I don’t mind if people critique the writing. I just need a place to get my thoughts out.

The truth is that I am more withdrawn than ever. A lot of people come out of their shells in college. They make tons of friends and do things they’ve never done. They reach out and reinvent themselves. They come into their own. I’ve done those things. The difference is that for me, that means being who I really am. And that is a person that likes to be at home reading books and baking, okay eating, cookies. I have a lot of friends in my program, but we don’t hang out. It’s not personal. It’s who we are. Don’t misunderstand--I love spending time with people and connecting, but I’m a one-on-one kind of girl. I love being in small groups. Large gatherings are not my happy place, so reading and writing are right up my alley.

So, in part, writing is a way for me to be myself. I can communicate and get my thoughts out without being in a crowded space with a lot of people. I can sit at home and connect with my husband instead of being in public where I feel out of sorts and at odds with my surroundings. My best evenings and days are spent in small groups with people I know well. I like to have long talks, especially with Tyler, and I like to read books and write a blog that isn't read very extensively. Sometimes I act this way and get branded as antisocial or distant. I’m not trying to avoid you, and I’m not disinterested in what you have to say. I’m just not in my element. And I don’t think I’m the only one.

When I was in high school, my best weekends were spent with just a few close friends either watching a movie, making treats, or chatting, usually a combination of all of that. Sometimes, my friends and I would read together which doesn't sound social, but it was wonderful for me. I have a couple friends who would come over to my house, and we would take naps. I felt bad sometimes that I didn't go to all the dances and sporting events, but I knew what it would be like. I would sit in the student section and wish that I was at home reading a book or talking to someone instead of yelling and jumping. 

My senior year of high school, I embraced that part of myself, but not before I spent my junior year as a cheerleader and pushed myself to the point of exhaustion in my attempt to be "involved" and "fun." Loud and busy social interaction just isn't my happy place. I like to be alone, and that's okay. I've learned a lot about being myself, and the most important part of being an introvert for me is being okay with being an introvert in a world geared towards extroverts.

A little while ago, I stumbled across a ted talk about the power of introverts, and it made me want to walk around with it constantly playing on my back. I felt like someone eloquently explained my life in nineteen minutes. Then I realized that I wasn’t the only person who would rather sit at home with a book than go to a dance. So maybe even though this blog has little to no circulation or popularity, someday, someone will see this confession and know that they’re not alone.

Confrontation and Me

I've been thinking about confrontation lately. It's been on my mind mostly because I often hear people say, "I'm really non confrontational" like it's the worst personality trait. Then I hear other people say "I really shouldn't be so confrontational." So which is better? Why do we perceive that both confrontation and the lack of confrontation are negative things? It's frustrating, and I decided to share a little bit of my story of learning to love myself.

I’ve always seen myself as a mixture of a peacemaker and a confrontational debater. Even though it may seem like that’s not necessary a bad thing, it was a really difficult part of my personality to navigate. Where for some people, this combination would be positive, it just showed me that I could be passive-aggressive. This is best illustrated in my life from ages 12-14. During those years, I stewed endlessly about the things that really bothered me in order to salvage relationships, but then I would end up exploding about something that didn’t even really matter to me. It may be cheesy to say, but I read The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, and it helped me a lot.

People who didn’t know me during my explosive years or still don’t know me well might be surprised by the fact that I am a red/white combination, but as I read the book, I realized that there were aspects of my personality that needed some help. Instead of bottling up my frustration, I tried to communicate it effectively by confronting the real issues, not the unimportant things. It was a painful process of trying to figure out who I really was and how I could communicate with people in a way that was positive and clear. This was most often the case in interactions with my parents. It wasn’t until after I embraced the confrontational side of me that our relationship was able to mend and progress.

It’s too bad that confrontation has such a negative connotation because all it literally means is to face something. When we confront fear, it’s a great thing, but then the word skews and changes to be negative when it’s transferred to social interaction. That’s fine, but I’m saying that it was vital for me to accept and embrace that part of me even though confrontation perceived as negative in most circumstances. But I also had to accept that there is a part of me that wants to be a peacemaker and keep people happy. It’s still a balance everyday. I try to actively think about what I’m saying, but I fail a lot. I hurt people’s feelings. I communicate in confusing ways. And I sometimes cause problems. But I’m still doing my best to figure that all out.

Marrying Tyler introduced a new dimension to my struggle with confrontation and peacemaking. Tyler is most definitely non confrontational. (According to the color code he’s a white/yellow personality). He has a magnetic personality, and he’s constantly acting as the peacemaker in every aspect of our lives: family, friends, primary etc. The amazing thing about this part of Tyler is that instead of these opposite aspects of our personalities causing friction and contention, it strengthens us as a unit. Because we cover both ends of the spectrum, for the most part, we are able to balance our communication. I won’t let big issues rest and simmer, and he makes it so that we don’t end up wasting energy on something unimportant.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that Tyler and I make a good team because we’re different. Maybe another time I’ll write about our similarities because that’s a longer list, but today I want to point out that our differences in communication make us stronger in our relationship. Together we’re becoming a fuller spectrum of color and variety. I’ve mentioned before that Tyler is a lot more fun than I am, and I stand by that. We bring different things to our relationship, and I don’t ever want to live in a world where we can’t strengthen each other and become better together.